DP wants to move. I don't. Help please.

[JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam]

DP and I have lived in this house for 8 years. It's a private rent, very cheap for area, kids are settled. He had wanted to move to the south west last year to be closer to DSD (13). I agreed reluctantly, closed down my business etc then the move fell through (we're buying for the first time)

Now he's decided we're moving up north. Purely because we'll save £500 a month on bills etc. It's an extra 2 hours from DSD. 3 hours from where we are now. Away from all family etc.

Arguing my point just leads to him pulling holes in everything. I'm not currently working due to closing my business and the job I had lined up falling through due to covid.

I'm contributing all the child benefit and DS' low rates DLA towards food, bills etc but it's not enough to feed 3 kids and meet all the bills. He pays rent of £800, car payment (£300 ish) and £300 child maintenance. We don't share finances as my credit is appalling and I wanted to keep my finances separate in case it all fell apart. Rocky patch before DC3 was born. He earns £45k

He's going on about how I'm not contributing so don't understand the pressure he's under. When I've looked for work before he has stated I'm not to work evenings or weekends as it's family time and will damage our relationship.

I just feel stuck. I'm wary of uprooting the kids especially DS1 as he has adhd and is finally making friends etc.

Rambling but would you move for the sake of saving £500? It's Scunthorpe he's looking at but I have no knowledge of the area.

Nope. Can you do anything about the car payment? Sell it, pay off the finance and buy a cheaper one?

It certainly sounds like he's deliberately putting obstacles in your way - not letting you work part time or weekends regardless of what you want

Moving to be closer to DSD I understand but moving further away from her seems unreasonable.

But he's obviously really stressed with the financial weight of your circumstances so you'll have to find a compromise.

No. I’d stay where I was.

Well the obvious answer if he doesn't like being the bread winner is for the op to get a job but he's said it'll ruin their relationship if she does!

It difficult to unpick because there are some red flags in that he wont let you work and damage your relationship versus the fact that you clearly dont have enough money

Talk about it and say moving isnt a plan away from everything and you are willing to work and you need to

And if he wont I think you may need to look at options beyond that

No bloody chance.

He wants to sell the car but put the money towards moving costs/deposit.

He gets very fixed in his thinking and obsessive so this is all he's spoken about for the past few days.

We're not struggling. Well he's not! He hates his job but there's very little out there in his field so he thinks moving means he can look for a lesser paid job and not work a 40 hour week. But he hasn't found a job up there yet so I'm not sure why he thinks it'll be this simple.

£500 a month is a lot to save... However there seems to be a lot more going on here....
He can't complain about you not earning if he is going to put major conditions on when work.... Is the objection really because he doesn't want to look after kids?

just picking a random location hours from people you know seems madness... Would there be good work opportunities for you both? Would kids be settled?

Do you have any links to Scunthorpe

What is he spending the rest of his income on? Your rent isn't that expensive, the car seems ridiculously expensive- what is it?

There are huge red flags. He'll bully and wear me down until I agree but I'm starting to realise it might be a case of he leaves and he's stay.

It's what he threatens when I say I don't want to move.

The financials thing- I was self employed for years and got into a mess with payments in and out randomly so I don't want access to his money as I'm shit at dealing with it. Better than I was but still.

It all sounds very controlling and worrisome.

OP he sounds very controlling. He dictates where you live, when you work, but throws it in your face that you're not contributing. Why does he get to decide these things? What other family decisions does he make?

The car is an x trail he bought on HP the took out a loan to pay that off and something else.

Tell him to move on his own. Very selfish. 45k is a lot of money if managed properly.

Claiming he wanted to be closer to his daughter is a plain lie. Surprised u didnt catch on that earlier on. U lived long enough with him to know when hes giving u porkies

What's your plan if you stay and he goes?

who told you were shit at dealing with money - I take it you were with him at this time

This is sunding more controlling and abusive as you post

Moving would be a massive mistake. Don't do it.

Firstly, sorry for all the questions!
How old are your children?
Could you work while they're at school?
Will the job you had lined up not be possible after lockdown?
Is your dh hoping to change jobs as part of the move to lower his stress levels?
Is he feeling trapped because of lockdown, including your new job falling through?

I don't think the current situation is the time to make such huge decisions. Even if people think they're thinking straight, I doubt they really are.

Scunthorpe is a very deprived area, there is lots of unemployment due to he collapse of key industries. His job prospects are not likely to be good I'm afraid.

Also moving a further 2hrs away from his daughter is a really shitty thing... He won't be saving £500/month because the reality is he will have even less time with her which means his maintenance will go up as will travel costs to see her.

I wouldn't be moving, other than out of his life.

He is being financially abusive amongst other things.
. Look into support from women's aid etc and get the hell out op!

Just let him move, you are in rented so you can apply for benefits and you will get some CMS whilst you sort yourself out.

Those are huge red flags, relocating is really difficult on everyone. I can't imagine there a good job prospects in Scunthorpe!

Don't do it OP. This is ridiculous.

Is he manic?

Kids are 11, 9 and 6

I've been doing some social media marketing bits and selling on eBay for bits of income. My background is early years, closed down childminding time move and have cancelled my registration etc.

I've been applying for jobs but I've been out of non self employed employment for a while. Was supposed to be starting as a police officer but failed security due to my credit (got through everything else though).
The company I had a job lined up with has closed.

Sorry if I'm missing questions.

He can be controlling. Will shout a lot. He has many adhd traits that I see in DS but these weren't managed as a child.

He seems to think we can have DSD for extra school holiday time as opposed to EOW but I don't think any teenager will want to commit to weeks at a time away from her mates rather than EOW.

My plan short term would be UC whilst I job hunted. The calculator said I'm entitled to enough as a single parent to cover bills etc.

He won't agree to CMS. That would be a battle. Doesn't want to be a part time parent yet is trying to uproot his kids on a whim.

CMS is not something he can NOT agree to OP. Is he salaried through a company?

The only way out would be if he decided to quit and not earn anything