DP wants to move. I don't. Help please.

[JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam]

DP and I have lived in this house for 8 years. It's a private rent, very cheap for area, kids are settled. He had wanted to move to the south west last year to be closer to DSD (13). I agreed reluctantly, closed down my business etc then the move fell through (we're buying for the first time)

Now he's decided we're moving up north. Purely because we'll save £500 a month on bills etc. It's an extra 2 hours from DSD. 3 hours from where we are now. Away from all family etc.

Arguing my point just leads to him pulling holes in everything. I'm not currently working due to closing my business and the job I had lined up falling through due to covid.

I'm contributing all the child benefit and DS' low rates DLA towards food, bills etc but it's not enough to feed 3 kids and meet all the bills. He pays rent of £800, car payment (£300 ish) and £300 child maintenance. We don't share finances as my credit is appalling and I wanted to keep my finances separate in case it all fell apart. Rocky patch before DC3 was born. He earns £45k

He's going on about how I'm not contributing so don't understand the pressure he's under. When I've looked for work before he has stated I'm not to work evenings or weekends as it's family time and will damage our relationship.

I just feel stuck. I'm wary of uprooting the kids especially DS1 as he has adhd and is finally making friends etc.

Rambling but would you move for the sake of saving £500? It's Scunthorpe he's looking at but I have no knowledge of the area.

He sounds rigid and selfish. I can totally understand moving nearer his daughter but don't understand this new hare brain scheme. Say no.
Huge coercive red flags here
Start planning how to become financially independent, you have many skills by the sounds of it. Do not let him dictate when you can work

Holes in cupboards 😲 🚩

He's not violent?!

Give your head a serious wobble, op.

Sorry- he's not violent towards me or the children. Just inanimate objects.

I'm not downplaying it. Late teens I was in a physically abusive relationship and referring to current partner as violent felt like it was making a mockery of people who are being physically abused.

He sounds completely irrational, swinging from one extreme to another, moving to random places with no job or plans.
Where is this ideal world where you work less hours for £45k?
Let him fuck off wherever he likes, get your business back up and running and build a happy secure life for you and your kids.

Him punching holes in cabinets IS violence towards you and your children. He does this to shut you up and intimidate you. First the cabinets, your face next. Get rid of this fucking loser.

Scunthorpe does have some nice parts, surrounding villages are also nice BUT does he have a job to go to And does he know the area at all? Don’t pick the wrong side of Scunny

If you are in a situation where you are able to, I would simply just say you are not going and don’t wish to discuss it further. If he wishes to go alone, that’s a decision for him. Then leave it to him. He sounds horrible!

Where do you live now? Why on earth did he choose Scunthorpe, did he just stick a pin in a map?

I certainly would not be going along with this ridiculous plan. His thinking is completely illogical. I wouldn't bother having a 'chat' about it, just tell him you're not going but he is free to do so, on his own.

All I will say is there is usually a reason some areas seem very cheap. It isn’t that they don’t have nice bits, they often do but they are usually cheap because they aren’t that well connected or there are very few well paid jobs on tap, that’s why most cities and large towns with nice housing and good jobs are pricey .

You're thinking about moving away from all your family? Uprooting a child with issues who likes routine? To somewhere you know nothing about?

With. An. Abusive. Man.

Put your kids first and don't rip them away from their family and friends who are the only stable adults they know.

And leave the man who is ruining your children's lives.

If police service is not an option, have you considered the prison service? Its still shift work and some incredibly horrible people, but some amazing team work and can be a really fascinating and rewarding job. Also the money is pretty decent, in SE jails.

We're Northamptonshire. DSD is just near Bristol. If I out myself then errr hey I guess

I've just made a pros and cons list and even being open minded and forgetting what a twat he can be then there's no logical argument to move.

As for registration as a childminder- I had a hysterectomy last year and I don't really want to be around small children all day every day.

Holes in cupboards is violence.
It says I am capable of this and if you dont toe the line it could be you I hit.

Dont move anywhere with him.
let him go.

Do not move to Scunthorpe, I used to work there and it's cheap because it's rough... join some of the local pages, every other post is about a break in or someone's been arrested or beaten up! There are certain streets (Frod road) you cant walk down without abuse! There's a reason it's classed as affordable! Also I wouldn't uproot my children for the sake of £500

He doesn't want you working evenings and weekends because of it disrupting the family life, yet you applied for the police? You did realise you'd be working evenings and weekends then, didn't you? Or did you think you'd get special treatment?

You don't see any problem with your children being in an abusive and disfunctional household.

You have serious debts.

Perhaps the police turning you down wasn't a bad thing. I certainly wouldn't want you turning up at a safeguarding job!

I applied for the police off my own back. I informed him I was going for it and he had no choice. I in no way expected special treatment. He agreed to the police but was making a lot of negative comments trying to dissuade me.

I have no intention of moving my children. I posted looking for others opinions to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.

I've held safeguarding lead roles for 12 years. I've worked in rough areas and helped families get away from abusers whilst supporting their children. It's a lot easier to do that from the outside.

Also I have serious debts because following surgery I had hideous depression. This manifests as being completely shit at handling money and has always been my goal to deal with them as soon as I have an income which I'm trying to sort currently.

Don’t move! Apply for UC as soon as possible but this relationship is not healthy and you need to extricate yourself as soon possible.

It must be so exhausting dealing with this selfish bully.

You were in a physical relationship before so are more likely to downplay violence. But holes in cupboards are not acceptable ever!

UC can take a while to sort out but you would be eligible for an advanced loan. The pandemic will mean things will be longer.

CMS will take payments from him depending on his salary - unless he's self employed and can fiddle the numbers.

It's definitely easier as an outsider looking in but not when it's your own situation - I think everyone can relate to that

Let him move to Scunthorpe by himself.

There's already one cunt in it. Another won't make any difference.

I grew up in Lincolnshire. Don’t move to Scunthorpe.

If you apply for UC then you receive the first payment 1 month and 1 week after your claim is submitted providing you complete your ID and verification checks.

You can apply for an advance loan once your ID has been confirmed which is 100% of your applicable amount and is paid back over 12 months. You can take less money and less time if you want.

A £45k Job in Scunthorpe. He’s having a fucking laugh.

Housing is cheap for a reason

(I live somewhere similar, no Jobs, definitely no professional jobs, poor transport links. That’s why it’s cheap.)