DP wants to move. I don't. Help please.

[JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam]

DP and I have lived in this house for 8 years. It's a private rent, very cheap for area, kids are settled. He had wanted to move to the south west last year to be closer to DSD (13). I agreed reluctantly, closed down my business etc then the move fell through (we're buying for the first time)

Now he's decided we're moving up north. Purely because we'll save £500 a month on bills etc. It's an extra 2 hours from DSD. 3 hours from where we are now. Away from all family etc.

Arguing my point just leads to him pulling holes in everything. I'm not currently working due to closing my business and the job I had lined up falling through due to covid.

I'm contributing all the child benefit and DS' low rates DLA towards food, bills etc but it's not enough to feed 3 kids and meet all the bills. He pays rent of £800, car payment (£300 ish) and £300 child maintenance. We don't share finances as my credit is appalling and I wanted to keep my finances separate in case it all fell apart. Rocky patch before DC3 was born. He earns £45k

He's going on about how I'm not contributing so don't understand the pressure he's under. When I've looked for work before he has stated I'm not to work evenings or weekends as it's family time and will damage our relationship.

I just feel stuck. I'm wary of uprooting the kids especially DS1 as he has adhd and is finally making friends etc.

Rambling but would you move for the sake of saving £500? It's Scunthorpe he's looking at but I have no knowledge of the area.

Just adding to the chorus: stand your ground and do not cave in to his bullying. If he threatens to leave just say "that's your choice.". It doesn't make any sense to move so much further away from his daughter and it's not fair to your children to be yanked away from their school, friends, and extended family. What sort of business did you have? Could you open it again?

Your first mistake was giving up your financial independence to an unmarried partner. Your second would be to move. He's bullying and controlling.

Read up on Scunthorpe, it's not a very nice town and doesn't have many job prospects. I really wouldn't move. Go through CMS for maintenance.

Wow.

I think you need to let him move if he’s absolutely determined, to but you stay put.

Do not under any circumstances give up the house you’ve got in a good location for you and where your children are happy and settled in schools and friendship groups and where you’ve got family nearby.

His thinking is muddled and his obsessive nature and rigidity is making him extremely irrational.

Dig your heels in and let him fuck things up for himself if he wants to. He’s incapable of seeing the bigger picture, so it’s down to you to ensure that things are kept as good as possible for you and your children.

Agree with PP, stay put!!

If he really wants to go, tell him to. Be warned though if he does go, he likely won't get a better job and will return to mess you and the kids around.
I'd re-look at childminding if you can.

Excuse random comma in the wrong place!

Don't do it.

Just because he's the breadwinner, it does NOT give him unquestioned control over massive life choices that affect everyone.

DH tried this on me a few years back. He tried to get me to move us all hours away, just because we'd be a bit better off. I would not do it. I knew me and the kids would be unhappy...no one wanted it except him.

There has to be a set of very valid reasons to uproot like this and saving £500 is not a valid reason, imo.

So his bills are £1,400 a month and he earns £45k. You pay all the other bills. Is that right? So what the hell is he doing with the rest of his money? There's over a grand, if not a grand and a half, left from his salary every month at least!

Do not move away from your support network for a financiLly controlling man who hasn't even sort out a job. Check your benefit entitlement asap and stay put!

You can't move three kids that age t a place like Scunthorpe on the hope he will find an easier job there! Unemployment is high there and the few steel jobs are looking very shaky. It's also an area with a characer all of it's own. Maybe not as bad as people make out, but if you aren't from there you, the kids and probably him are unlikely to immediately like it! It is a stupid idea, do not let him bulldoze it through.

The North cost of living is cheaper, but the flip side of that is usually that it’s more difficult to find work. Otherwise we’d all move up there!

Quite aside from that, I agree that you need to focus on escaping this abusive relationship. Work on your confidence, get your registration etc back; and work on getting some contacts etc so you can build your childminding business back up.

And leave him to crack on with whatever insane scheme strikes his fancy, but he can do it alone.

Sounds like he’s making some big assumptions on the kind of salary he might earn if you moved. Rents/living expenses are often lower because average earning are also lower. And you say he hasn’t even found a job, so this is all just pie in the sky, grass is always greener type thinking from him.

Cornwall to be nearer a step daughter is one thing, a random move to Scunthorpe is another. As others have alluded to, it's not a well off area and that's why you'll be "saving" so much money. Is he envisaging keeping his current job and just being somewhere else to do it? And what about you?

Absolutely no way OP, it’s not a great area and you have no ties to it, so will be even more dependent on him. It’s also limiting for you jobwise. If it’s all about saving £500 then I would say the most important thing is for you to be earning £500 plus, that’s not a lot- a good many even very part time jobs will pay that, so I would say you are staying put and will sort a PT job as soon as you possibly can, in the meantime sit down and go through bank accounts, his fixed outgoings aren’t that high unless there’s other stuff you don’t know about. I would guess that the fixed outgoings plus household bills - excluding food are maybe about 2k, but he should have about 3k income, so in theory should be fine, where’s it going??

I feel like you need to start to become independent. Can you go back to your police plan? Although would there be shift work, which isn’t easy with children?

If you still wanted to go the police route there are things you can do to improve your credit score, such as take out a credit card, spend a little each month and pay it off. Make sure you are on the electoral roll etc.

So everyone has to be unhappy because he's made a decision to move? I wouldn't go with him - he could go on about it as much as he wanted.

No, he is being incredibly selfish.

My god. There’s so much going on here. I was reading your post and read the bit about you closing down your business to move south west for his daughter and was thinking “god that’s a bad idea and she’s been bullied into that” and then I read he’s changed his mind and wants to move NORTH!! WTF? Then that he wants to give up his well paid job even though he doesn’t have another job up north. Then he wants to sell the car! Then he’s expecting teenage DSD to want to travel hours up to Scunthorpe in her holidays! This is like reading a horror novel. You can’t keep giving into his weird bullying. He’s not even making sense. You have to say no. This is the worst time in history to be moving. It’s definitely the worst time to be moving to an already deprived area when thousands more are out of work and try to get a job. Where? How? This is utterly utterly ridiculous. Your poor kids. Have you even looked at the schools? Does he not even care about his kids feelings? This is one of the worst and most ridiculous things I’ve ever read on here and I’m on here every day. You have to say no. Why on earth did you close your business! Why did you cancel your registration? This man is going to ruin your life and ruin your kids lives. It has to stop now. Get your registration back and open your business back up. Try to work out how you can afford to live in the house without him. For gods sakes don’t make any big life changes during what could be another year of lockdown. Look into what benefits and child maintenance you could get. Housing benefit? Then tell him “you wanted to move south west and I was prepared to do that against my better judgement but I’m not moving hours to somewhere I’ve never even visited. If you want to go, you go alone”

and actually it won’t be saving £500 will it? It will save £500 in rent but it will cost more in the drop in salary? The only way to save £500 is if he gets another job on £45,000. Tell him if he secures another job on the exact same salary then you’ll go. Then sit and wait and watch him work it out for himself.

Just tell him you don't want to move. He can't force you.

Oh and I read your post that says he won’t “agree” to CMS. He doesn’t have to agree! It doesn’t work like that. If he moves north or you split, you apply for CMS and they take it from his salary. I think you’ve given him far too much power. I’m not sure who the hell he thinks he is

Imo he doesn't get to decide what happens to all of you. Suggest he moves alone. Cms and stay put op. His bad attitude will worsen when further away from his dd.

Could you do childminding in your own home starting in September? Otherwise could you do social care overnights and weekend cover?

Heck no, I wouldn't move.

Thank you for all of the replies.

I know how insane it sounds. Trust me. I'm aware I'm being a coward. He's not violent etc. He does shout, has put holes in cupboards etc and obviously with the kids home all the time I don't want him kicking off if we discuss this.

Going to try for a calm chat tonight.

How long does universal credit take to start if anyone knows? I don't want to run the risk of eviction if I'm waiting months for payments.

Thank you again.

If he puts holes in cupboards he is violent.
It is aggressive, intimidating behaviour.
He's a bully.