DP wants to move. I don't. Help please.

[JesusDontWantMeForASunbeam]

DP and I have lived in this house for 8 years. It's a private rent, very cheap for area, kids are settled. He had wanted to move to the south west last year to be closer to DSD (13). I agreed reluctantly, closed down my business etc then the move fell through (we're buying for the first time)

Now he's decided we're moving up north. Purely because we'll save £500 a month on bills etc. It's an extra 2 hours from DSD. 3 hours from where we are now. Away from all family etc.

Arguing my point just leads to him pulling holes in everything. I'm not currently working due to closing my business and the job I had lined up falling through due to covid.

I'm contributing all the child benefit and DS' low rates DLA towards food, bills etc but it's not enough to feed 3 kids and meet all the bills. He pays rent of £800, car payment (£300 ish) and £300 child maintenance. We don't share finances as my credit is appalling and I wanted to keep my finances separate in case it all fell apart. Rocky patch before DC3 was born. He earns £45k

He's going on about how I'm not contributing so don't understand the pressure he's under. When I've looked for work before he has stated I'm not to work evenings or weekends as it's family time and will damage our relationship.

I just feel stuck. I'm wary of uprooting the kids especially DS1 as he has adhd and is finally making friends etc.

Rambling but would you move for the sake of saving £500? It's Scunthorpe he's looking at but I have no knowledge of the area.

It's easier to earn more than to uproot the family

Nope, not a chance. Totally ridiculous idea, and more to the point, You Don't Want To.

He sounds a prick though. Time to really put your foot down. No you're not moving. Yes you will start working, and he'll support that work in the same way you do his. Or, maybe it's time to split. His choice.

Oh and let him shoot arguments down - just don't argue. Just say, NO.

NO.

My exh started off smashing our home. Progressed to threatening to put dc through a window and me through walls.
At 28 ds still has therapy despite leaving when ds was 7..
Get him the hell away op...

Op you are being completely reasonable. Do not move

Given that he already has one child that he has no issues with moving away from, do not listen to anything he says about making him a part time father. That is just words.
In your shoes I would start to sort myself out financially. Apply for UC. Work on your credit rating.
Also focus on your mental health.

Best wishes

Show him the channel 4 documentary skint, it was filmed in Scunthorpe and he will immediately change his mind about wanting to live there and bring kids up there

Oh OP, smashing anything is DV.

Your barvis so low, you dont realise it.

Please protect yourself.
Protect your children.

Don't go anywhere with this violent bully.

Life will be better without him.

Don't get pregnant either.

@billy1966 , do read the OPs posts. She is sad about having had a hysterectomy.

I live in Doncaster,near Scunthorpe,do not move there,I repeat do not move there

He sounds awful

Scunthorpe is very deprived.
Has he looked into schools, or jobs? Or considered the impact/cost of extra travel on his relationship with his daughter in Bristol?

Moving somewhere cheaper only saves you money if your income remains the same and your social outcomes are the same - ie will your kids have the same education and opportunities?

More worrying though is his dictatorial attitude.
Make plans to leave OP

He sounds like an abusive wanker

Don’t go to Scunthorpe, no jobs and I don’t think the cost of living is cheaper in the north. Housing can be cheaper in the less affluent areas, it’s expensive in the better areas and in rural areas you are hit with very high council tax and water rates on small houses. We don’t pay less for food, fuel, clothing or electrical appliances
If you have a long term stable rent stay put.

There's a reason why Scunthorpe is cheap. Had he even been there? There aren't many places worse for job prospects.

He seems to think we can have DSD for extra school holiday time as opposed to EOW but I don't think any teenager will want to commit to weeks at a time away from her mates rather than EOW.

Of course she won't. Has he asked her if she'd be happy to spend her holidays in Scunthorpe away from her friends (and with a ten hour return journey), rather than in the West country having fun?

Don’t move. You will be miserable!

Please do not move to Scunthorpe. A lot of jobs there are dependent on the steelworks. Every couple of years or so there's talks of the steelworks being in trouble, looking for a new buyer, asking the government for help etc.
If it did close it would be disastrous for the town, not just the people directly employed there but all the ancillary jobs too.

Wow, what an irrational thinker. so he wants to move much further away from DD to an area with few jobs and possibly fewer in coming years when he has no promise of employment just because he thinks it is a bit cheaper there. I know Scunny. I don't think it would be an easy place to move to if you don't know exactly where to look.

Plus I would foresee contact with DD dwindling and her feeling abandoned by him. as you say, a teenager will not want to go and spend long holidays in some random town with not much to do when they have their own friends plus, in coming years, part time jobs and coursework.

And yes he is violent and abusive. Claiming you do not contribute when you pay most of the Bills and food is bollocks.

I'm aware you've only given us a snapshot of a problem but he doesn't sound a very nice or stable man.

Has he thought what will happen if the economy in Scunny tanks if the steelworks do fully close (hello, Redcar)? your house will be worth even less and relocating will be more difficult.

When you can, re register as a child minder and get working again (I know lockdown is a problem). And don't give up on the police if that's what you want. there's loads of advice online about improving your credit score.

And 100x what conga says

Even IF he gets a mythical 45k job. The arse WILL eventually fall out of the steel industry there and take everything else down with it.

i’ve been in this position before and i was dragged to dubai for 3 months then he decided we’d come back.

i lost a great job where my take home pay was 700 euro a week for 15 hours per week.

don’t do it, he’s a controlling arsehole!!

I wouldn’t move to Scunthorpe for anyone. Has he actually been or has he just seen where is cheap on rightmove? There’s a reason some places are cheap they’re shitholes

I certainly wouldn't be moving anywhere without a job lined up first. Scunthorpe is a deprived area, property is cheaper for a reason - and that is linked to no jobs. I'd want to stay put, especially for your DCs and perhaps make plans for going it alone without him.

No I wouldn't move. You agreed to moving closer to DSD and gave up your business. Now it's fallen through he's completely changed the goal post. Absolutely not thinking of you or the kids, or his DSD. Stick to your ground. Time goes so fast you don't get these years again with the kids. Stay put for their mental well-being and yours.

He hates his job but there's very little out there in his field so he thinks moving means he can look for a lesser paid job and not work a 40 hour week

What??? He works 40 hours a week and wants to work even less? While continuously badgering you about not 'contributing'?

He earns a very good salary, your rent is very low - so what is he doing with all the money? If he didn't waste money on a flash car, would you have enough to buy in the area where you are now?

But this is all academic. He clearly does not see himself as part of a team, and all the shouting and coercive behaviour is deeply worrying.

Are you sure you want to stay married to him?

Where is the other £1400 a month he has left going and why is he not helping you with your debt ?