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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Keep having the same argument with dh

33 replies

PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 13:35

I’ve walked out and gone to sit in a local field as it just annoys me!

We’ve had this same argument over and over again ever since our kids were born... so 10yrs!

He think that I have had it easy, he has put a roof over my head, paid the bills, made sacrifices blah blah blah whilst I’ve looked after the kids. He right, he has and I appreciate it! I tell him this but the argument is, is that he can’t seem to see that I have had to make sacrifices too, particularly with my career due to having children. Plus the only way he’s actually managed to get anywhere with his job is by me enabling it by being main carer for our children.

Why doesn’t he get that? That we’ve been a team? Not that I’ve swanned around with the kids whilst he’s working his arse off?

I do work By the way, never been a SAHM, but have been part time up until 2yrs ago when dd started school and I started my PGCE. I’m now doing my NQT full time.

It fucks me off that he thinks I don’t appreciate him, but he doesn’t appreciate me... but also, what does this actually mean? Does he want me to suck his cock every night and say ‘I appreciate you?’ 😖

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 02/05/2020 13:38

That sounds intolerable. I'm sorry OP. What do you want to do about it?

cheeseislife8 · 02/05/2020 13:41

Raising your children IS work, you've both contributed. Does he take your feelings and thoughts on board generally, aside from this issue?

Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 13:43

I just want him to understand that I have made sacrifices too

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 13:46

Yeah he does @cheeseislife8, it’s just this issue. It’s like he resents the fact that he has had to work whilst I’ve been at home, but someone had to and he earns more than I do.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 02/05/2020 13:52

So sorry your DH is being ridiculous. All your points are valid. And good on you for continuing to build your qualifications. He should be praising you for not resting on your laurels.

Many men never twig that they are able to have a good homelife and family because of their DWs. My situation is similar to yours: DH is our main breadwinner and I have worked PT and looked after our DDs. Fortunately, he has the wit to see that I am contributing to our family too.

Sadly, if you're having the same argument with your DH, it mainly means you're married!! My DH is not perfect and we certainly have some 'broken records' we both play.

So I fear you'll have to make do with feeling smug because you are totally right.

PS Unless you're actually willing, DO NOT offer to suck his cock at any time, much less every night!! No man would pass that up.

Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 14:06

Thank you @tarheelbaby

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 02/05/2020 14:17

What is the point? 10 years of going around in circles. You are not going to change his opinion of you or your contribution.

Either you accept that this is his opinion or leave, hand wringing has not been successful strategy to date.

mamato3lads · 02/05/2020 14:18

It's a tale as old as time OP.

I have to physically hold myself back from wrestling my 6'4" husband to the ground and stuffing his misguided self righteousness down his throat.

No answers from me I'm afraid, but I do understand 🤬

LannieDuck · 02/05/2020 14:28

Maybe ask him to do the school run next week? Do they do afterschool clubs - perhaps he'd like to start taking / collecting them? Oh, he can't because he's at work? EXACTLY.

Does he acknowledge that one of you needed to work PT? (Admittedly, it's not necessary - my OH and I both work FT - but it's obviously a decision that the two of you have made for your family... was it unilateral on your part, or did he agree?) Would he have been willing to be the one to go PT? Why didn't he? Did he want to pursue his career? Did you?

Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 14:29

You’re right @AgentJohnson it crops up every now and again and it just makes me cross that he doesn’t see!
I need to start just quashing the convo if it rears it’s head, but my emotions take over sometimes. It usually starts off as an innocent conversation and then escalates

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 14:32

@LannieDuck it made financial sense for me to take a step back as I was freelancing so could up work as and when needed, I had a lot more flexibility over holidays I could take etc etc... he works offshore so does 3on 3 off so technically we’ve had the best of both worlds as he had regular time off. So it worked... he just hates going off shore and considered me swanning about riding bikes with the kids whilst he was stuck out there financing it all.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 02/05/2020 14:35

On his 3 off, did he ever have the kids by himself? Or on his 3 days off, did you keep on doing all the grunt work while he played with the kids?

Makes a huge difference when fathers have done actual childcare (instead of being Disney Dads) and seen how exhausting pre-schoolers can be. But if he was never left to do it, he won't understand.

LannieDuck · 02/05/2020 14:38

If he is aware how tiring it can be...maybe his complaints aren't actually that you were swanning around, but that he wants to spend more time with his kids?

Could you switch over so you increase your freelancing, and he reduces his work? I don't know if a 3 on-3 off arrangement can work PT, but perhaps he could find a job share?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2020 14:38

After 10 years of this, it's time to accept he doesn't respect or value you at all. I know I wouldn't be married to a man like that.

Elieza · 02/05/2020 14:39

This type of post is on here all the time. I feel your pain OP. These men are arses. And they seem to get away with it. As though what you achieve is not work, it is nothing, worthless.

They don’t see it because they choose not to.
Yet if they were expected to do all the multi tasking things their other half gets through while just intending to do one thing they couldn’t.

Eg he feeds the child one day thinks he’s done just bit. Quite happy with himself.

She feeds the child another day and additionally has a washing on, lets the cat out, charges up the laptop for school stuff later, leaves a reminder to self in the worktop about groceries and has the slow cooker on for tea.

Of course He won’t see any of that. To him he did the same as you. He supported you. Because you do nothing and it’s his money that achieves everything.

So frustrating for all concerned, who appear to be mostly women. None of those other things you did are work. They just happened. Only they don’t just happen when it’s his turn.....

Getlostu · 02/05/2020 14:41

Maybe you should ask him what he expected would happen? Did he want you all sitting naked starving on a cold hard floor, crying until he gets home from work just to make it “even”? Isn’t he happy that his kids were happy and well looked after? Ask him directly how he thinks it should have worked out then? He got to Swan off for 3 full days at a time while you held down the fort? Who did he think was picking up the slack? He should be appreciating YOU. For those 3 days he’s done no bedtimes, no school runs, no housework, no home life work at all. He’s been fed. Can shit in peace. Have a drink in peace. Maybe you should point that out and maybe if you’ve got somewhere to go you should leave him to it for 3 full days on his own so he can appreciate what that means. Has he ever had the kids by himself for longer than a few hours?
If he hasn’t, he’s never going to get it so you should make that a priority. Make him do it all. Kids school work, washing, cooking, breaking up arguments, the relentless tedium of parenting with no back up.

Shortfeet · 02/05/2020 14:43

I completely understand his viewpoint but am not suggesting for a second he is right and you are wrong. I found it really hard that for most of my children's young lives my then husband was at home with them and I went out to work.
I believed I had the worse deal and still believe that.
I too used to accuse him of not appreciating me

Shortfeet · 02/05/2020 14:43

And I still believe he had it easy compared to me.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 02/05/2020 14:54

How annoying for you - he needs to parent for a few weeks with no assistance so he actually sees what it is like!

MikeUniformMike · 02/05/2020 14:55

Just agree to disagree.
You both think you've made sacrifices, and you almost certainly both have.
Arguing about it is getting you nowhere.

NoMoreDickheads · 02/05/2020 15:01

That's really annoying etc, especially as it's not even like you're not doing work, you have a decent job.

AnotherEmma · 02/05/2020 15:07

Twat. If he hated his job he could have looked for something else.

Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 15:18

@LannieDuck he helps out around the house but when he is home.

@Getlostu he does 3 weeks on 3 weeks off

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 02/05/2020 15:26

It is massively stressful being the one who is financially responsible for a family.
I do that as a single mum and its exhausting.
For him though surely it wasnt as bad because I imagine he wouldnt have to also do 100% of the housework, shopping, ironing, kids admin etc. So he had a full time job and some of the housework etc at most. So considering full time working single parents do both I dont know how he could think he is hard done by.
I do think being at home or part time working is the easier option but lots of people disagree. Maybe he wants the chance to go part time in years to come after you have qualified. If its affordable (which I doubt it would be if you were newly qualified) then I think it would be fairest to do that for a bit.
He would then have to do whatever share of house/ family running around that you did when you were part time.

Original poster
PeanutbutterJamSandwich · 02/05/2020 15:32

Thing is, I don’t disagree with him. I know he works hard and it’s stressful being the breadwinner but what annoys me is him not realising that I have enabled him to be the higher earner through support. There is no way he would be where he is now financially if I wasn’t here for the kids.

OP posts: