Pissed off with my DH .... would you be if you were me?

[FeelingAngry]

I have changed my name for this just in case, but it wouldn't be rocket science to work out who I am if you really wanted to ...

Be warned ... very long post coming up. Anyway, my DH is perfect in so many ways. He is a fantastic father, great husband. He does ironing, washing, shopping, looks after the children whenever I need to, works hard, supports us really well. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed. I love him to bits and usually feel very lucky to have him.

But ... every so often he lets me down and I get so cross and angry and I don't know what to do about it. It is always in the same way.

This is what happened. Yesterday it was his birthday. I worked hard to plan a nice day for him. Bought him some lovely presents, organised a nice day out for all of us for today, organised a treasure hunt for him and DS to do to find his presents. It was fun. I also baked him a lovely cake and sent it to work with him. I organised a baby sitter for last night and he booked a table at a posh restaurant ... we decided to really splash out this year.

A week ago he told me that there was a leaving do on the same night for someone at work but he was relieved it was his birthday as he had a perfect excuse to not go.

So... half an hour before we went out last night he said that he was under pressure to join everyone from work after our dinner. My heart sank because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

I tarted myself up, we went out ... spent stupid amounts of money on a meal and at 10.30 ended up having a mini row because he wanted to put me in a taxi home and go and join his work mates (had to be home for babysitter at 11). I got into a taxi feeling crap. Sent him a text telling him that and he told me he loved me and promised not to be late.

I got home ... I can never sleep when he isn't here so I had a long bath, came on to mumsnet for a bit and eventually at 12.30 went to bed. Read my book. Fell asleep at 1am. DD woke at 2am for her dummy. DH not home. So I texted him. Got a text back from one of his mates at work telling me to give DH a break, it was his bithday. A few lighthearted texts were exchanged ending in a phone call from DH, a bit squiffy telling me he'd be home soon.
I fell asleep at 3am.
DD woke me up at 5.50am.
No sign of DH ...
DS woke up at 6.15am ... still no DH
I phoned him and basically told him that he was a w@nker and not to bother coming home. He was at this time in a taxi on his way home ... a total dribbling wreck.
When he got home at 6.40am I made him go straight to bed (he was all pissed and affectionate ... yuk .. and smelly) so that DS wouldn't see him in that state.

I feel sooooo resentful and angry ... I hate it when he does this. What was worse is that about an hour later DS went into our room (unbeknownst to me) to wake up Daddy and DH was in such a drunken coma that he pushed DS out of the bed and turned over ... DS was distraught because he couldn't wake Daddy up. This has made me fume to such a point that I don't know what to do with myself.

Ok ... rant over ... sort of ...

Would you be pissed off with your DH if he did this?

I've actually found it reassuring (in a depressing kind of way) that so many men are like this. Dh rarely goes out these days but when he does I know he will pitch up paralytic at some point. Thankfully, he never stays out all night - I would be fuming at that too. He simply does not know when to stop, he never has. It would be a totally alien concept to him to go out and not drink, or even to alternate alcoholic drinks with soft drinks, and he does not know when he has patently obviously had enough . Thankfully, he is not aggressive or unpleasant when drunk - merely starts spouting incomprehensible (usually political) gibberish! And he hardly ever throws up.

I think he has some kind of juvenile image of himself as a man who can "take his beer" - he couldn't in his early 20s and he can't now. He very rarely goes out these days though - but when he does I always get the "oh I don't want to go, but it's a work do, I have to...I'm not going to drink that much." Yeah, right.

I would be livid too, feelingangry - mostly because of all the trouble you went to for his birthday (the dashing off after the meal and sending you off home in a taxi is just unbelievable , and the text messages from his work colleagues (implication that you are a nagging wife who won't let him off the leash to have a bit of fun ), and the pushing your ds out of bed (soooo ). Maybe that final thing will be the catalyst which will make him take a long, hard look at his behaviour. He sounds like a good dh and good father 99.9% of the time and he will be mortified when he finds out what he did.

I also don't buy the letting their hair down because they are hen-pecked and over-burdened with responsibility thing! I went out last night, and I am paying for it with a hangover today, but I didn't get myself in such a state that I couldn't look after myself or my kids at any point.

I hope he is suitably apologetic and chastened today (and that he suffers from THE hangover from hell) - and that he makes it up with your ds....and you.

Feelingngry I perhaps sympathise because I am a bit like your dh.

I have on , I think three occasions since having kids gone out and got can't -remember- what- happened drunk and stayed over at a friend's.

I'm not proud of it but one drink leads to another, and another... Most of the time I don't drink to excess ( I usually drive) but every so often I do.

I felt so awful the next day ( and the next, and the next) that I vowed NEVER to do it again.(but did). Having said that it was completely marvellous at the time. I did however arrange it all in advance, but then I am big on communication and maybe your dh isn't (mine certainly isn't) .

Alcohol(in excess) makes a monster of us all, which is why I recently started a thread about giving it up completely.

Sorry marthamoo I missed out the start of that last post which was to say I don't think it is necessarily a male thing.

Some of us females have this particular "arse" tendancy also

Happy belated birthday Tinker.
Did you buy yourself something special from Lidl?

Thank you again for all your support.

As you can see I am no longer that Angry but I am still upset about this.

DH spent most of the afternoon throwing up. He tried to tell me that he must have a bug from what he ate at the restaurant ... I laughed in his face and told him not to be an @rse ... he had clearly drunk too much.

I told him about what he did to DS ... his words were, "No I didn't! I would never do that!" I told him that I know he would never normally do something like that but pointed out that he couldn't talk or see at 8am so how could he take note to be careful with a small boy in the bed? When I asked him if he remembered DS getting into the bed he said he didn't so that made my point really.
I told him that what he did was totally out of order and he had taken it too far this time. I also told him that if he ever did that again and treated DS like that again I would be taking the children on the first flight back home and I would leave him
He looked a bit shocked at that and agreed that coming home at that time was out of order but we didn't talk about it any further at that point ... and we haven't really talked about it since .
I made him get up and shower before DS and I went to the circus (we had a blast!!!! ) ... DH did try and get in a strop with me when I said very bitchily "I hope you are proud of yourself for letting your son down" just before we left but I told him he had NO right to be angry with me for ANYTHING.
He tried to give me a cuddle later in the evening but I just couldn't so I stepped away from him ... Usually things are patched up with a cuddle so he knows how cross I am
Anyway ... this morning DS came into our room and said "Daddy, are you going to sleep all day too?"
Which clearly made DH feel bad as he got up, made breakfast for DS, got DD up, brought her in to me with a cup of tea and has played with DS all morning so far.
We are still being very clipped and polite with eachother but later tonight, when the children are in bed I shall talk to him about it and how it made me feel ... and tell him that it is up to him now to not do this again for every one's sake.
Thanks again to everyone for your support ...
And happy belated birthday to Tinker

Stillupset - I think you are dealing with this brilliantly. As you have made clear, it's not the behaviour, so much as the lack of consideration for the effects this behaviour has on you and your children. DH is usually good about keeping his benders to times when it won't impact - ie he stays in the city overnight (cos if he's going to be back after 10pm, then leave for work at , there's not much point in him coming home, especially if he smells). If you make this distinction to your dh then he cannot complain about you "nagging".
Whilst I do think everybody needs the chance to behave irresponsibly at times, as a husband and a father he needs to plan his irresponsible times in advance.