Pissed off with my DH .... would you be if you were me?

[FeelingAngry]

I have changed my name for this just in case, but it wouldn't be rocket science to work out who I am if you really wanted to ...

Be warned ... very long post coming up. Anyway, my DH is perfect in so many ways. He is a fantastic father, great husband. He does ironing, washing, shopping, looks after the children whenever I need to, works hard, supports us really well. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed. I love him to bits and usually feel very lucky to have him.

But ... every so often he lets me down and I get so cross and angry and I don't know what to do about it. It is always in the same way.

This is what happened. Yesterday it was his birthday. I worked hard to plan a nice day for him. Bought him some lovely presents, organised a nice day out for all of us for today, organised a treasure hunt for him and DS to do to find his presents. It was fun. I also baked him a lovely cake and sent it to work with him. I organised a baby sitter for last night and he booked a table at a posh restaurant ... we decided to really splash out this year.

A week ago he told me that there was a leaving do on the same night for someone at work but he was relieved it was his birthday as he had a perfect excuse to not go.

So... half an hour before we went out last night he said that he was under pressure to join everyone from work after our dinner. My heart sank because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

I tarted myself up, we went out ... spent stupid amounts of money on a meal and at 10.30 ended up having a mini row because he wanted to put me in a taxi home and go and join his work mates (had to be home for babysitter at 11). I got into a taxi feeling crap. Sent him a text telling him that and he told me he loved me and promised not to be late.

I got home ... I can never sleep when he isn't here so I had a long bath, came on to mumsnet for a bit and eventually at 12.30 went to bed. Read my book. Fell asleep at 1am. DD woke at 2am for her dummy. DH not home. So I texted him. Got a text back from one of his mates at work telling me to give DH a break, it was his bithday. A few lighthearted texts were exchanged ending in a phone call from DH, a bit squiffy telling me he'd be home soon.
I fell asleep at 3am.
DD woke me up at 5.50am.
No sign of DH ...
DS woke up at 6.15am ... still no DH
I phoned him and basically told him that he was a w@nker and not to bother coming home. He was at this time in a taxi on his way home ... a total dribbling wreck.
When he got home at 6.40am I made him go straight to bed (he was all pissed and affectionate ... yuk .. and smelly) so that DS wouldn't see him in that state.

I feel sooooo resentful and angry ... I hate it when he does this. What was worse is that about an hour later DS went into our room (unbeknownst to me) to wake up Daddy and DH was in such a drunken coma that he pushed DS out of the bed and turned over ... DS was distraught because he couldn't wake Daddy up. This has made me fume to such a point that I don't know what to do with myself.

Ok ... rant over ... sort of ...

Would you be pissed off with your DH if he did this?

Do you think he doesn't ring because it doesn't occur to him. I know when its happened here that dh has just kind of got carried away with the moment- then remembers when its too late. Men compartmentalising and all that.

Dreadful with ds as well- I would be fuming. Perhaps it will shock him into not going so overboard? I think dh was pretty shocked the time I ended up sleeping on the floor pregnant- he's always been more sensible since (I do think there's a big difference between coming home pissed and annoying -you know gropey and happy- and rolling in absolutely plastered to the point where the next day is a write off- and with young children the second scenario isn't fair!)

Enjoy the circus with ds! Just make sure he's up to look after dd.... I HATE sick - to a phobic level- so that would make him even more unpopular in my eyes!

Well I really don't know what to say really..

If you aren't an angry person, that is your business(but why call yourself feelingangry?)
So you may be able to deal with it... but
perhaps it is time to look at your kids...

Yes I may be harsh.. but ffs.. just read what you have said about you ds, and his reaction...
Frankly I'm not bothered whether YOU are angry or not... I think it is time to think about the impact on your kids.

I called myself FeelingAngry because I feel angry about THIS ...
I am not normally an angry person is what I meant ...
I am quite aware of the potential impact on my children in this ... which is why I posted as I need a bit of support here ...
Thanks for your input unicorn ...
If you read my original post I said that DH is normally a fantastic father and husband. It is just that every so often he goes on a bender and ends up being crap with when he comes home. I have also said that this is the first time he has come home at 7am and the first time that DS has witnessed DH in this state. I also said that DH will be horrified and terribly upset when I tell him how he behaved to DS ...
The main reason I am angry is how he behaved to DS ... I think I said that in my original post ...
So please give me a break and understand that I am asking for some support ... the more the day goes on I am thinking that I am about to face the biggest challenge of my marriage so far ... and I am really scared

'His usual trick is to come home at about 4am except once when he came home at 5. This is the first time he has ever rolled in at this time.'

??????

I really am lost.. and shall leave this to the experts...

I mean at 7am ... when the children are waking up ...
Sorry if I have confused you ...
Look, I won't go on anymore ... not your problem ... mine ...

FA-I'm not on here much so I have no idea who you are but...

...and honestly, in your situation, I personally would be fuming but I wouldn't actually know how best to handle it when it came to having a rational conversation, I would be doubting whether I was over-reacting and being unfair on dh, or under-reacting and not being fair on (I suppse) ds and yourself. I really hope you sort it out because generally he seems pretty good and there isn't a surplus of men like that about

I think Unicorn's point on her last (12:50) post was that coming in at 4 or 5 isn't acceptable either. (Sorry, Unicorn, if I'm wrong.)

I would be very angry, FA. The text message thing is completely childish. But if it's OK for him to come in at 4 or 5 on other occasions, there's not much difference between then and 7 (except that your kids are already awake). Are you OK with him coming home at 4 or 5?

I totally believe that spouses need time to themselves and with their own friends, and you should both have that time, but to go out after you had a special evening is disrespectful. And while going out and having fun is great, IMO he should have bigger priorities now, and coming home at 7am doesn't work with that.

FA, I'd be livid too, especially where the behaviour towards your ds is concerned. My xh used to do this frequently and I absolutely HATED it. I've had the whole thing with mates ringing up at 4am to tell me he wasn't going to be home that night (oh, really? no Sh1t?!) too. TBH the state he used to come home in sometimes used to genuinely disgust me and on some occasions he'd be so completely out of it he wouldn't recognise me or even know where he was. I well remember locking myself in the bedroom one night when he got home as he was so drunk and incoherent it was actually quite frightening. And of course the whole weekend and all our plans would be a complete write-off while he recovered for the next two days.

I don't agree with this 'boys will be boys' rubbish. As alexsmum says it's just giving them permission to behave like disrespectful and irresponsible twats. There's a world of difference between having a good time because it's your birthday and behaving like an arsehole, IMHO. It would never, ever even occur to me to behave that way and I speak as someone who loves a good booze-up! Hugs to you and your ds and hope you can salvage the weekend.

Try and separate the issues.

That he did this the day/evening that you had spent so much time and effort to arrange a great birthday for him is not on.It should have been your (as in both of you) evening.

If he occasionally wants to go out and get plastered so be it but not after you had started the evening off together. I think NDP's idea of getting him to sleep over at a mates place is good in these circumstances.It also eliminates the horrible event with DS.

Tell him to keep his phone to himself too. I personally would be really annoyed if any of dh's friends started texting me to "give him a break"

He has really got his priorities muddled up he's not only ruined the great birthday you arranged for him but he's messed up you family day out too. He definitly should not have done this on this particular night.I would advise not even trying to discuss it til he's completely sobered up and you have calmed down a bit.He sounds so great in so many ways...

I would be so upset and furious. After all the effort you made to give him a lovely day, to go out like that and ruin your pleasure is so incredibly selfish IMO. I know we all (or most of us) tend to crave a bit of freedom now and then when we are parents, but this is, IMO, extreme and ugly. I can totally see why you were looking forward to a romantic night in with him, and I'm sure it made you feel rejected when he chose not to do that but hang out with a near stranger instead. I can also remember seeing my father very drunk when young and it was extremely upsetting, so I also understand your concern regarding your son. I hope he is very, very sorry, learns a lesson or two, and has a terrible hangover. When he is sober and more receptive I think you need to talk about this habit of his and how it affects you.

I would be angry as well and have been when dp has done the same. When i started new job a while back, my 3rd week there he had been out with BIL 'for a couple' and was expecting to be back about 11pm. Fine, BIL is quite a bit older and i wasnt expecting it to be his sort of thing. He didnt take fone out so i couldnt get hold of him and i woke at about 2am to find him not home, went back to bed then woke again at 4.30 to find him on the settee in a very bad state. He was so bad he was puking all day and i had to take a day off sick cos he wasnt capable of looking after the kids . He was very apologetic though and because its not something that happens usually i let it drop after a few days, but if he had come home at 7 i really would be questionning what he had been doing, and the txt thing is really out of order imo. Im glad you are going out without him, but it is not fair on children when they are let down in this way. I would have a serious chat with him, if he is a great dad then im sure he will be very ashamed of his behaviour.

My DH does this once in a while, but is otherwise, a fantastic husband,and I love him dearly.
I think as long as it only happens, very few and far between, you should just live with it.I think men need to "let their hair down", once in a while, so that they don't feel completely hen pecked and burdened with resposibility.
Whenever my DH does it, he knows he's in the dog house, and becomes very sheepish and apologetic.
As for letting it ruin the rest of the day,...DON'T... ,I'd let him sleep it off,wake him in enough time to get sorted and drag him along to the circus.
Sitting there, making him listening to the load music, bangs and crashes, should give you some revenge.

But maybe he did not WANT a romantic night in with you? (which of course does not mean he does not love you)

Maybe he really fancied a reckless binge with his mates but did not want to tell you for fear of upsetting you because you had gone ahead and planned what you thought was nice night for his birthday.

To me that would bug me more, him not being upfront about what he WANTED and the exact nature of his preferred birthday night (" I want to go out with my mates from work, get hammered and not come home")

Has he offered an apology?

I still think if this is his only fault you are extremely lucky.
Good luck with today and I hope it all gets resolved . These things usually do

why on earth should "men need to "let their hair down", once in a while, so that they don't feel completely hen pecked and burdened with resposibility. "

Sorry but I just don't buy that. There is a difference between letting your hair down, getting pissed, being quite amusing, and doing what FA's dh has done (and my dh has done on a couple of occassions). It's too drunk. I was able to learn what one drink too many meant in my 20's, so I don't see why men shouldn't as well. Doesn't mean I don't get drunk, but I don't get so drunk I'm unable to assume any responsibility the next day- that's just selfish. I think it's different once you have teenagers or slighty older children who can be more independent- but FA's children sound very young and so like it or not these men do have responsibilities. We can't just forget about them, so I don't see why men should be able to tbh.

100% agree with Jimjams (even down to the ick factor about vomiting!) it's one thing getting hammered - and a far different thing getting so hammered that it has a negative effect on the family, spoiling the day or two after.

FA - completely sympathise. I would say at this stage - don't get mad, get even - DH has had his fun - just think creatively about how to have your fun - day at a spa, evening out with the girls, DH doing lots of extra chores this week to free you up to read......

Yes - I would be angry too. Not because he got drunk and not because he slept in - but because he did it when he knew you had gone to so much effort organising a well earned romantic night for two. Also because of the knock on consequences for your children.
Don?t let the fact that this rarely happens stop you being angry. Sure, it is a huge relief that it seems to be a rare event and it is great that he is normally a fantastic husband and dad. But, and it is a big but, on this occasion he really messed up and you have a right to be annoyed, disappointed and feel let down. You are adults with responsibilities and need to be able to take responsibility for your own actions.
If it were me (and I was being rational and calm...) , I would try to put it all to one side and get him to shower, eat, get dressed and get ready for the family day out you had planned for your children?s sake. You and DS won?t enjoy it if only half the family are there and you having to come up with a reason for DS why daddy is not able to come as planned. Then, once the children are in bed I would sit DH down and calmly, explain how you feel. Don?t bother shouting or making wild accusations, just be honest about how angry you are and why. This way you will stand a better chance of him really appreciating what you have been through and why you feel like you do. If you get worked up you stand a good chance of not explaining how you feel fully and run the danger of him switching off thinking you are just being OTT or gets defensive and refuses to see your point of view ( if anything like my DH). Don?t play games such as loud music or ignoring him or other stupid tactics to get back at him. Don?t lower yourself to that - you are both adults in a loving relationship and deserve to show each other respect even when one of you has got it wrong.
I know you say that it is one of the biggest challenges of your marriage so far but if you time it right, keep the children out of it and stay as calm as you can, wait until his head is clearer, you stand a chance of dealing with it effectively with no need for anger or further upset. He is more likely to accept full responsibility for what he did, empathise with your feelings and not do it again. Just make sure that he knows that you don?t mind him spending time with his mates and staying out late, drinking etc. but that there needs to be a basic level of understanding for the sake of the family - ie. planned in advance, you know when to expect him back, if plans chance, he tells you etc. etc.

I totally know where you're coming from on this one FA (dh hasn't stayed out until getting up time tho!) and appreciate your feelings totally and am not changing my name for this!! Birthday or not isn't soooo much the issue as the total disregard for your feelings. Personally I feel it's a lack of respect and consideration when the same thing happens here with no warning! Makes me feel like I don't matter and neither do my feelings - yet I know he doesn't intend for me to feel this way and alcohol has this effect and unfortunately my dh is rubbish at finding the 'I've had enough now' switch!
I hate to admit this but I have been known to pack the kids in the car and drive 15 miles or so to pick him up at 3am because he's fallen asleep drooling down his shirt on the train (I could never embarrass myself in such a way) and missed his stop. I can't help worrying that he won't get home safely and would rather put myself and the kids through the hassle than lie awake angry and worried for another hour etc.
Btw - he's also a great dh and dad in every other respect and this doesn't happen often, but I feel like he just can't be responsible for himself sometimes and really, there's no excuse for that because I have to be responsible both for myself and our children and because of that, couldn't allow myself to get in that state. Sorry - long and ranty too - but loads of support and heartfelt empathy to you!!! I know it feels crap! Worse than that, each time it happens now, my tolerance level depleats further and I wonder how much more of it I can take! My anger lasts for several days just because I can't help feeling so hurt and unimportant to him! Rant over - it's difficult to put it all down here in a condensed form so the picture is clear!
I also have no problem with planned events - everyone needs to let their hair down from time to time.

No, I would not be upset. Well for me the evening would be over anyway - going home to bed and the babysitter was finishing at 11pm anyhow. It is his birthday so why not let him go out and enjoy himself!!?
He may have not come home in a great state.. but tbh I think there is a large sliding scale regarding this situation.... and he may well be pissed off at you for hassling him all nite? He might have drunk more as a result!

not really wanting to come across harsh but in this case I think overexpectation can make something alot worse than it should be.

Agree with jimjams as well. I should have added that i actually go out more than dp, but i have never got in that sort of state where i cant look after the kids, and if i knew it was going to be a long drunken night i warn him first and usually get rid of the kids to grandma's house the next day. I dont think the problem is him going out or even getting drunk but not knowing when enoughs enough. Seems to be a male thing, maybe ego or something? Dont want to wimp out in front of their mates? Is he out of bed yet?

I was thinking that after I posted. Getting completely trashed like that is not a good look in front of the kids. That would have made me upset definately.
My dh does not drink - never really has which is most unmale of him!

Going out and getting drunk doesn't worry me, but going out and getting that drunk does- I find it stomach turning revolting as well as unecessary. Of course I've done it (was banned from The Turf in Oxford for passing out on the floor - too much hobgoblin!) but that was in the days before I had children than needed looking after the next day. Before I had a job to get up and go to as well. Just think that if men do this then they are suggesting that they think the children are our responsibility and not theirs.

missing word = work!

I agree with jasper on this. Don't know how much you discussed the birthday meal and the day after plans with him but maybe you were doing it for you? Think women get more hung up on birthdays than men and he possibly did really want to go out and get smashed with his mates. I think if it had been my birthday (well, it was actually, on the same day )and I had the option of a night out to get drunk (and wanted to do that), I would have taken that and had a meal out the next night.