Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off with my DH .... would you be if you were me?

106 replies

FeelingAngry · 08/10/2004 20:27

I have changed my name for this just in case, but it wouldn't be rocket science to work out who I am if you really wanted to ...

Be warned ... very long post coming up. Anyway, my DH is perfect in so many ways. He is a fantastic father, great husband. He does ironing, washing, shopping, looks after the children whenever I need to, works hard, supports us really well. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed. I love him to bits and usually feel very lucky to have him.

But ... every so often he lets me down and I get so cross and angry and I don't know what to do about it. It is always in the same way.

This is what happened. Yesterday it was his birthday. I worked hard to plan a nice day for him. Bought him some lovely presents, organised a nice day out for all of us for today, organised a treasure hunt for him and DS to do to find his presents. It was fun. I also baked him a lovely cake and sent it to work with him. I organised a baby sitter for last night and he booked a table at a posh restaurant ... we decided to really splash out this year.

A week ago he told me that there was a leaving do on the same night for someone at work but he was relieved it was his birthday as he had a perfect excuse to not go.

So... half an hour before we went out last night he said that he was under pressure to join everyone from work after our dinner. My heart sank because I knew exactly what was going to happen.

I tarted myself up, we went out ... spent stupid amounts of money on a meal and at 10.30 ended up having a mini row because he wanted to put me in a taxi home and go and join his work mates (had to be home for babysitter at 11). I got into a taxi feeling crap. Sent him a text telling him that and he told me he loved me and promised not to be late.

I got home ... I can never sleep when he isn't here so I had a long bath, came on to mumsnet for a bit and eventually at 12.30 went to bed. Read my book. Fell asleep at 1am. DD woke at 2am for her dummy. DH not home. So I texted him. Got a text back from one of his mates at work telling me to give DH a break, it was his bithday. A few lighthearted texts were exchanged ending in a phone call from DH, a bit squiffy telling me he'd be home soon.
I fell asleep at 3am.
DD woke me up at 5.50am.
No sign of DH ...
DS woke up at 6.15am ... still no DH
I phoned him and basically told him that he was a w@nker and not to bother coming home. He was at this time in a taxi on his way home ... a total dribbling wreck.
When he got home at 6.40am I made him go straight to bed (he was all pissed and affectionate ... yuk .. and smelly) so that DS wouldn't see him in that state.

I feel sooooo resentful and angry ... I hate it when he does this. What was worse is that about an hour later DS went into our room (unbeknownst to me) to wake up Daddy and DH was in such a drunken coma that he pushed DS out of the bed and turned over ... DS was distraught because he couldn't wake Daddy up. This has made me fume to such a point that I don't know what to do with myself.

Ok ... rant over ... sort of ...

Would you be pissed off with your DH if he did this?

OP posts:
emmatmg · 08/10/2004 21:29

MTS (why have you changed back btw?) I guessed that after I posted but forgot to come back and say. Derrrrr.

Still, in our house when Dh does this I let him have 6 hours sleep than send in the kids to annoying. Don't see why he should get a nice long sleep when I've been up worring all night.

MummyToSteven · 08/10/2004 21:30

coz I liked the old one better, only really changed coz of the trolling a few weeks ago, and then not everyone realised I had changed names

emmatmg · 08/10/2004 21:32

oh I see.

Branster · 08/10/2004 21:45

FeelingAngry
sorry you got so upset over this incident.
Thrutfully, I personally wouldn't have been annoyed if my own DH did that sort of thing. being his birthday, working hard, great around the house and with the kids (as youd escribe) I'd have given him a break but made him feel guilty about it anyway to make sure he'd make up for it. It's only 1 birthday and it is his. Lighten up!

Must make it clear this is my own view on it and I don't undermine your feelings, everyone feels different and you do sound hurt by what happened. Sorry you got so upset. I'm sure he'll make it up to you.

unicorn · 08/10/2004 22:00

sorry Branster.. but 'Lighten up' is my least favourite saying...(extremely patronising)

because - it is all about how the person who delivers it is feeling.. ie you - not the person who has asked for help.

I think as most people do, that she has quite legit reasons to be 'feeling angry'..

to tell someone to 'lighten up' is very easy/superficial and tbqh smug.
It may be entertaining for you to read as an outsider.. but I don't think "lighten up' is a suitable comment (but I guess you will tell me to do the same?)

wobblyknicks · 08/10/2004 22:01

OMG!!! I would have hit the roof, and then kept going!!! Fair enough for him to have a night out and get more drunk than he should - IF you'd arranged it that way before. But to stay THAT late without being responsible and ASKING you first then come home that drunk and push your son out of bed too - am speechless!!!

Can only echo some comments on here - don't let him get away with it, think up a huge list of things he can do to make it up to you and make sure he does every single one!!

Rowlers · 08/10/2004 22:02

I'd be angry too.
I'd be FURIOUS with the twat of a mate who texted you! He'd be dead meat. I'd find it very hard not to seek him out and give him what for. Cheeky arsehole!
I do think though we ladies need to keep things in perspective. We know that ALL MEN are really little boys when it comes to keeping up with their mates on boozy nights out.
My DP is such a lightweight drinker but he insists on drinking as much as the other blokes he's out with. Silly bugger. He just can't help himself.
It was bad timing on his part. He should have spent the rest of the evening with you but succomed to the pressure from work mates and probably a little voice inside him telling him he should be allowed a night out every now and then.

Rowlers · 08/10/2004 22:05

BTW, If he's the man you says he is, I bet he feels terrible about it all when he sobers up.
Hope the feud doesn't last too long!

jasper · 08/10/2004 22:21

I agree with Branster. And I don't think for a second she means to be superficial, smug, or patronising.

That's assuming your dh doesn't do this too often.

If it is just a few times a year I think you should try not to get too upset. Again, as Branster says, not to undermine your feelings. There are things my dh does that wind me up that probably would not bother you!

If he is such a great dh in most ways it is not much to ask to not object to him getting out and getting completely trashed with his pals every so often. Surely on your birthday it should be about what YOU want?

In my book a hangover is punishment enough for these mad evenings and I should know as I have had a few myself.

jasper · 08/10/2004 22:24

FA I see below you say it bugs you that you never get to go out and get trashed.
Are you anywhere near Glasgow?

Original poster
FeelingAngry · 08/10/2004 22:37

I know ... I know ... I do agree with Branster too in a way, which is why I posted this because I have kept telling myself to lighten up and stop feeling angry but I just can't help it.
Like I said, I don't have a problem with him going out and getting drunk with his friends WHEN IT IS PLANNED ... He can pickle his liver for all I care and stay out for days and days ... IF IT IS PLANNED!!!
But telling me "I won't be late, I promise!" and "I have to do the right thing by work" (as if it was a sacrifice to meet them and he would be seen as not taking part and being a kill joy) was just not fair IMO ...
And saying to me only 1/2 an hour before we went out that he wanted to meet them when I had been looking forward to this romantic night out for weeks ...
Oh ... and when I spoke to him at 2.30am it was just him and his friend (young, 25, single) left out ... all the other work mates had gone home by 1.30am ... AND his words to me were "I will come home soon, I promise!" (I hadn't even asked him to come home, just asked what time he might be home)
I am now sitting with a fed up DS who can't understand why Daddy is still asleep ... what do I do about that?
Also I have been thinking about Zebra's DH's comment about 'keeping him dangling so that he wants to see me often'
Well, TBH ... we have been married for 6 years and together for 10 ... we have two children ... I am well past playing stupid games like that. I have sacrificed a huge amount to be with him and be a mother ... why can't he do the same for me?
Sorry ... my nickname had better be FeelingBitter now ...

OP posts:
Branster · 08/10/2004 22:42

I apologise to FeelingAngry (and only to her) if she herself feels my comments were as unicorn understood them to be.

It is not my intention whatsoever to ridicule or view someone else's problems as mere entertainment.

I did find your message to be quite harsh unicorn but I do understand you picking up on that particular phrase.

As I clearly stated in my message, it is my own view and I sympathise fully with FeelingAngry's feelings.

The question was ''Would you be if you were me?...'' It is my own way of dealing with such matters and if in the past DH behaved similar (if not to that extend) I did not feel resentful or angry with him. I would be worried in case he'd get lost or mugged on the way home when drunk. Perhaps I should have limited my message to strictly answering the question not venture in other advice worded as such that might be offensive to others (especially the thread's originator).

emmatmg · 08/10/2004 22:44

FA, I know EXACTLY what you mean.
It's not the fact that he was out getting drunk, it's the total disregard for the feelings worrying about him, and the empty promises of "I'll be home soon"

Honestly our Dh's are like two peas in a pod.

unicorn · 08/10/2004 22:49

Sorry I may just be reading this all the wrong way..but I just can't quite get.. why you should 'lighten up'...
so it's his birthday whoopey!!!!! but he is not 5.
I just don't understand why it is acceptable to do what he did (just because it was his birthday)
And to push away his ds (due to hangover)- well I am sure we would all love to do that sometimes.. but fact is, someone has to be responsible...
and that usually ends up being.. well primary carer (to be pol, correct)
Not really sure what advice/help you are after really ... are you really feeling angry?

jasper · 08/10/2004 23:05

FA I do see what you mean, it's not the getting drunk it's the not coming home when he says .
Thing is, and not to excuse him, that's the nature of the drug/poison called alcohol.

monkeygirl · 08/10/2004 23:08

My dh manages to do it at the end and beginning of an evening so much sympathy. He is currently snoring away on the sofa having managed to come home just after kids' bedtime (how convenient!) after having been out for '1' drink. Am very tempted to do 'evil' things to him (shave half his hair/eyebrows off or something!)

jasper · 08/10/2004 23:09

"I have to do the right thing by work" quite possibly means " I really want to go out with my pals from work but I don't want to upset you so I have to pretend not to want to go"

If this really is the only bad thing about him I think you are very very lucky.

unicorn · 08/10/2004 23:20

Well I really am lost..
It seems we all have very different opinions of what is ok and what is not..
I reckon at the end of the day (and other such cliches) you have to work with what YOU think is acceptable.

I hope you can sort it out, ..
I'm not quite sure whether you think he has done anything wrong.

alexsmum · 08/10/2004 23:41

just to add my two pennorth ...I would be absolutely f steaming!!!!I would be so angry and upset.For several reasons.1)He was having a night out with you, that you had planned and made a great deal of effort for.To leave at the end of the evening to be with people from work,is just such bad manners.That alone would make me angry.2)To allow a work colleague to send you a text saying give me a break...incredibly disrespectful, and as someone else says, humiliating.3)To not come home until nearly 7am,shows no consideration for your feelings.How the hell you were you to know that he wasn't dead in a ditch somewhere.?
I can't believe that anyone is telling fa to lighten up.I can't believe that anyone thinks this is acceptable behaviour.From anyone.
Whenever there is a discussion about things like this,people always come up with the 'boys will be boys' argument.I really think we do ourselves a disservice when we come out with this.It's just a way of giving men permission to act badly.
Fa I think you are right to be angry.Absolutely.

Jimjams · 08/10/2004 23:49

I'm with feelingangry on this one. Feel exactly the same - for the same reasons. DH has done this occasionally. I think what happens is that he doesn't really mean to/want to go out - so he says "I'll be home by 11" then he gets carried away, drinks too much etc. He does it when we're out together as well- I have to drag him home reminding him that my parents don't intent babysitting all night1 Mind you he doesn't do it often- the last time I can remember was when I was pregnant with ds2 (so 3 years ago). He came back plastered - passed out on the bed and proceeded to snore so loudly (and smell revolting) I ended up sleeping on the floor of ds1's room (he was too comatose to wake up and move downstairs to the sofa- I tried). But oh boy did I give him a hard time for having to sleep on the floor at 7 months pregnant

I have a feeling I know who FA is

Jimjams · 08/10/2004 23:50

Actually the text message is bad bad bad. Would give him serious grief for that (although if its from the 25 year old single work colleague guess its to be expected)

merglemergle · 08/10/2004 23:58

No, I'm sorry. You get to do what you want on your birthday when you are about 5. When you have kids you have to grow up. IMO if he is getting so drunk that he pushes his son out of bed then he needs to stop. I don't think that seeing daddy that drunk is a fantastic example for a child of that age. My father had problems with alcohol when I was growing up (no longer drinks thank god) and seeing them really that drunk eg not able to wake up, dribbling, etc-thats something that stays with you. Its extremely frightening. I'm maybe over-reacting but if it were me and I know you're not saying he's an alcoloic or anything...but...I would be furious and he would have to never ever get that drunk again so far as the kids knew. I really think that must have been a terrifying experience for your ds-honestly, Ive been there. Also-is he really teaching them a responsible attitude to alcohol?

Sorry-I'm quite zero tolerance on this because of the past...this is just what I would be thinking. I think I would probably bluff an ultimaum but I don't think thats necessaily a good idea, just I would be soooo angry (mainly because of your son tbh).

Also-he'd have to be up at the usual time, showered, etc-maybe off doing the shopping (by foot if still over the limit) if you don;t want him near the kids in that state...

Original poster
FeelingAngry · 09/10/2004 00:10

Branster ... no need to apologise ... truly. You gave your opinion and that is what I asked for. I do keep asking myself if I am over reacting and if I need to lighten up about this ... but for some reason I just can't help getting sooooooo pissed off with him when he does this.
Unicorn ... I wasn't really asking advice ... just wanted reassurance that I am not angry for no reason. I am not an angry person ... I hate anger ...
I think he has done wrong ... he has been crap and I feel very hurt ... he knows it upsets me and hurts me so why does he do it?
My parents brought me up to "Never give people cause to worry" ... and DH's parents never really cared what he did ... so we have a catch 22. I lie awake worrying and worrying wishing he would call to tell me he is OK ... he doesn't ring because he doesn't want to wake me (or so he says) ... He thinks it isn't a problem and I should just chill. He just doesn't get that I will always always worry ... no matter what.

I am angry more because our Saturday is ruined ... DS looks forward to weekends so that he and DH can play ... I have been dealing with them all week and Saturday is my break too ...
We are due to go to the circus in 3 hours time ... a nice family jolly ... but I don't feel jolly at all ... I have a good mind to leave DD with DH for the afternoon and go to the circus with DS just the two of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingAngry · 09/10/2004 00:20

I agree Merglemergle ... When DH got home this morning I went to meet him at the door and told him to go to bed before DS saw him. He was in a disgusting state and he has never ever done that before that bad. His usual trick is to come home at about 4am except once when he came home at 5. This is the first time he has ever rolled in at this time.
When DS went into our room I didn't know ... all I heard was DS screaming and crying and as I ran to the room I heard him crying "Wake up daddy ... wake up daddy ... " When I got there DS was crying and saying that he tried to wake daddy up but daddy pushed him out of the bed. When I tell DH this he will be mortified I know ... and I will tell him that this must never ever happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingAngry · 09/10/2004 00:23

While I was writing my last sentence DH went to the loo ... then threw up ...
He then came past me and said, "I don't feel very well ... " with a 'feel sorry for me' type look on his face.
I gave a catty sneer and told him that his name was mud on mumsnet ... then refused to look at him. He looks like $hit ...
He is clearly still pissed ... so will go to the circus without him.

PS ... Jimjams ... you can't possible know who I am ...

OP posts: