DH not talking to me, 2nd day

[goingtobeokoneday]

Posting because I feel pretty lonely and sad and have no one to talk to.
I recently (very recently) had my eyes opened that actually my DH is abusive, although quite low-level (if there's such a thing)
Now he's not taking to me and I would previously have been feeling quite quilty about causing it but now i think no actually it's not ALWAYS my fault... or perhaps it is
Still doubting myself.

Few days ago we actually had a nice day, in the evening spending time all together and then DH starting joking about something (fairly trivial) but he knows I don't like it and it's about me and what I haven't done. So I stood up for myself/or got annoyed/angry for no reason (depends on a viewpoint i guess) and listed everything i do in the home and saying I don't see you appreciating any of it or ever saying thanks! that's it, no personal attacks on him, no swearing or calling names, i then left the room.

Afterwards heartbreakingly my kids came to me to say sorry, I explained it was not at all their fault!! (Yes, I failed there as a parent!)

And now 2nd day no communication from DH.

My husband does the same, and yes it is abuse. It’s a form of conditioning, if you say or do something they do not like, or want to hear, they give us the silent treatment so we learn not to make the same mistake in future.

It's abuse, and I'm so sorry you have to live like this. I would confront him, if you feel that's safe and be very explicit that this is unacceptable.

You need to talk to him about how it makes you feel.

I don't feel up to confrontation.
I'm not afraid but it's exhausting to try to talk in this situation if he is still angry. Everything i say gets turned around i end up not being able to get my point across at all and often the argument escalates and i just feel worse

Well he would probably say I'm the one who's not talking to him!!
And it's true, because of his mood and him not saying hi (which is a sign things are not ok) in the morning I quietly retreated and then he's been in his office all day.

So your not talking to him. (but thats ok.) and he,s not talking to you. (but thats abuse?) Your not going to get anything sorted then are you and surely resentment will build. Someone has to step up and break the ice and he hasn,t done so yet. (and yes the children will be feeling the tension.). Think you need to think about a way forward because this isn,t good for anyone.

Yes it is abuse and my husband does it to me. He basically says whatever he wants, regardless of how insulting it is, and if I stand up to him then it results in silent treatment. You’re starting to realise that your husband isn’t a nice person and he’s putting you down in front of your kids. That’s what is happening and up until now you’ve tolerated it. By snapping back at his disrespectful behaviour/tone it’s showing him a “new normal” and he doesn’t like it. Stand up for yourself. Don’t be cowed by him. Disrespecting you makes him feel superior and better about himself. Remember that you didn’t start this. He did by being rude. If he hadn’t been rude you wouldn’t have needed to defend yourself. I bet if you’d done something similar he would have reacted hurt and angry because you can’t dare disrespect him right? And he’s probably very very sensitive to any perceived criticism?

What a dick. I hope you’re not cooking etc for him.

He's abusive and not that nice to you
Are you sure you want to stay married?

Its abusive, my stbexh was and still is the same. If my point of view isnt the same as his, then either all hell breaks loose or the silent treatment.

Ask your self what you get out of the relationship. If there are more positives then start counselling. If there aren't you need to leave and move on. Neither option is easy x

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

His actions towards you are about power and control, he wants absolute here over both you and in turn these children. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They cannot afford to continue to grow up in such an abusive household.

Not talking to you is a form of emotional abuse. The responsibility for his sulk here is all his, don't you try and jolly him out of it but ignore him instead and go about your day normally.

How can you be helped here into getting your abuser of a H out of your day to day lives?. He has and will continue to grind you and in turn your kids into the ground here and drag you all down with him. There is never any reasoning with someone like this and please do not ever enter into joint counselling with him.

Womens Aid and the resources at the top of the Relationships thread are worth using; they are there and they will help.

Thanks everyone for replying, been readying why does he do it? And it's wuite scary. Also from the book it seems leaving is not an instant solution...
He's not always like this of course and sometimes we have had quite long good periods but now that i think back there's so many instances that I keep remembering that just weren't right, so many trips, days out, birthdays ruined.
I am worried about the kids and he is quietly undermining me, it's not obvious and he is outraged when he perceives something that i do as undermining him ! So would have thought he wouldn't then do that, but laughing about me with the kids? Giving them sweets if I have said no? Putting things on tv that i have said are not suitable for kids etc... then I'm the one nagging and undermining if i say something.

What a horrible soul destroying way to live. Please listen to Attila, it will never change. In fact it will get worse as now you are becoming aware of what's been happening over the years and you will start to back off while he gets more angry trying to exert control.

He's a covert, emotionally manipulative, abusive fucker. I hope you take this time to read up, gather strength and make plans on leaving.

And don't make the first move to speak or pacify him.

I've been there. It does NOT get better. Pointing it out only makes it worse.

I wonder if you could print out something from 'Why does he do that' that describes his behaviour and give it him to read. Tell him it is classic emotional abuse and ask him what he intends to do about it.
He is a dick also.

I wonder if you could print out something from 'Why does he do that' that describes his behaviour and give it him to read. Tell him it is classic emotional abuse and ask him what he intends to do about it.

Do you think abusers abuse unwittingly? They do it because they can/want to.

Pointing it out to them isn't going to make them stop.

If I have previously complained about the way he speaks to me or in fact anything to do with him, his classic response is 'leave then' or 'why are you with me then'
I guess he knows I don't want a divorce and he can use that?
But now I'm starting to think differently.
last big fight he was throwing things around and at the same time accusing me of being awful and he was being the victim!! And that was after i had apologised for something that I said - basically had pointed out to him that he doesn't get to 'give me permission' for things but we should be deciding things together- it didn't go down well.
If I have a different opinion than him on anything he is not happy (takes it as personal insult- uses phrases like:'there you go again, always saying the opposite') then ridicules me if i say I'm allowed to have my own ideas

Also he would get annoyed if i ever answered his question with a question "always answering with a question "
But sometimes he would ask me a completely ambiguous question that I could not possibly answer without clarifying first woth a question!!! Him: "can you get me the thing?" Me: "what thing?" Him: "there you go with the question again!"

How to explain that?

First off there's no parenting fail, quite the opposite. You've shown your kids that it's ok to stand up for yourself and to make yourself heard.

Second, is this really the life you want for yourself? Do you really want to spend the rest of your days tiptoeing round and abusive man who doesn't give a shit about you or your children? You won't change him, this is it, this is him, this is your future? You're the only one who can change this if it's not what you want.

The more you say, the more patently obvious it is that he is actually quite controlling and abusive. Your are modifying your behaviour to comply with him. Just as worrying is that your children will also be experiencing this either directly or indirectly and getting a terrible example of relationships. Maybe he did too but it's no excuse.
The overwhelming opinion is that you can't change a person's behaviour when it's been like this for so long, you need to take him up on his threat and leave.

You can't reason with someone abusive. If you are able to hang in there until lockdown is over, make plans to leave with the children. Definitely speak to women's aid. I hope things improve in your life, while you stay with him, it will always be like this.

I tend to do this with my DH. It's the only way I can deal with his bloody stupid behaviour. I just keep out of his way until he stops being such a toddler. Can't have an adult to adult conversation with him - so I prefer none.

More important than your shit husbands thoughts and behavioural choices, is there anywhere better your kids can stay while you’re still with this bloke? I speak from experience when I say every second spent in an abusive house damages kids for life. Are they getting counselling yet?

How horrible of him. Poor you and your poor dc.

I agree it’s abusive. My exh was an ignorer too. There’s so much of it about on mn at the moment.

So now he is talking, seems like nothing is wrong, there's of course no apologies and no mention of whatever this was. The usual.

I'm still struggling to call it abuse, I know it's not normal behaviour but after feeling like it is my fault it's very strange to now think that it isn't. Even though i now see the pattern and recognise a lot of standard abusive behaviours, it's still relatively subtle.
There's usually no arguments in front of the kids, if there is an argument then it's usually me starting it. No name calling. Shouting is rare. Mostly silence and bad atmosphere, certainly sarcastic tones etc but i have been on mumsnet for years and have read threads about abusive relationships and never recognised my own as one!! And I'm normally not a complete idiot !