DH not talking to me, 2nd day

[goingtobeokoneday]

Posting because I feel pretty lonely and sad and have no one to talk to.
I recently (very recently) had my eyes opened that actually my DH is abusive, although quite low-level (if there's such a thing)
Now he's not taking to me and I would previously have been feeling quite quilty about causing it but now i think no actually it's not ALWAYS my fault... or perhaps it is
Still doubting myself.

Few days ago we actually had a nice day, in the evening spending time all together and then DH starting joking about something (fairly trivial) but he knows I don't like it and it's about me and what I haven't done. So I stood up for myself/or got annoyed/angry for no reason (depends on a viewpoint i guess) and listed everything i do in the home and saying I don't see you appreciating any of it or ever saying thanks! that's it, no personal attacks on him, no swearing or calling names, i then left the room.

Afterwards heartbreakingly my kids came to me to say sorry, I explained it was not at all their fault!! (Yes, I failed there as a parent!)

And now 2nd day no communication from DH.

Yas01 what would i say to womens aid? I'm not in physical danger, i can choose to leave or to stay but how can they help with either?

Yup, silence, eggshell walking, pandering to a man, feeling unsafe in their house, feeling helpless, feeling like they have to defend their mother, appease the man, cortisol and adrenaline flood their developing brains, causing lifelong problems. Then the anger comes. And the health problems. Hello digestive problems, heart pounding for years=medication, PTSD, anxiety, trauma responses, hyper vigilance. ‘Not arguing in front of them’ is irrelevant.

It sounds awful. Happy, Secure, Emotionally Healthy people don't behave like this. Knowing that doesn't solve it though.

Next time he does it, check in to a hotel for a night.

Everyone abuses everyone. Indeed, the definition of emotional abuse on Relate includes telling someone what to do (i.e being a parent!) so I would take the word 'abuse' with a pinch of salt as it is devalued too often here. There is a difference between abuse and being a prat, which is being missed here.

He is being a prat and projecting his own insecurities. It isn't your fault, but neither is it his. I would confront him using something called effective confrontation. It works by laying down the facts clearly.

"On XYZ day, when you did this, it made me feel like this. I am concerned if you continue, I will not feel important to you as my feelings aren't respected. How do we work together to stop it happening again?"

If he is unable to explain his reasons, you have a communication issue in your marriage, not an abuse issue. If he says it is because of health issues, GPs now allow partners access to health records with consent and provide support to partners. You will likely find by exploring that issue, that it unearths the root of his problem. At the same time, if he isn't willing to commit to a change to stop being a prat, then yes, you should consider if it's a relationship worth continuing.

Teach your DC how marriage is meant to work through teamwork, even when one is being a prat for now, as you'll give them the life lesson of showing self worth, compassion and communication.

(My replies are based on my own crap childhood inflicted on me. I had no choice, my mother did, I don’t have much to do with her now that I’m free. I wish I could rescue myself from back then, but I just have to live with the burden of the consequences of the adults failings. Do what you want, but be aware that it will have lifelong consequences for the kids forced to live in an abusive house. Whether or not you choose to call it that, doesn’t change the effects of childhood trauma. Good luck to those kids. Again, I ask-are they in counselling yet?)

Electrical
Thank you for sharing this
No I'm not in counselling i only started to see his behaviour as abusive literally just days ago, before I would say that our marriage is 'strained' or he's just being a prat (like previous poster here - so even niw these descriptions of our relationship can be still viewed as not abusive by some?)

I do worry about the children obviously but it's not quite as simple as it might seem to just leave. If I leave now i will be breaking up a family, removing kids from their home etc woth nowhere to go and no job
And I understand that sometimes this is the better choice but for us i don't know yet if it is. I need time.

Silent treatment and stonewalling is more than a 'communication ' problem and 'being a prat'. It is control. It is control so you behave how he wants you to.

Whether you call that abuse or not is up to you but it sounds pretty shit environment for you and your kids.

my partner does exactly the same thing to me. Were currently o day 3 of not talking. He didnt even day bye to our dd this morning when he left for work. So I asked him when this petty ignorance was going to end and he said he thinks hes done. Whichbisnt a surprise because he says it quite often after we have a fall out. But all of this is because j got annoyed at him staying in bed again on his day off and letting me get up with her. Baring in mind I work nights so after being up with my dd all day I then have to go and work a 12 hour night shift at the hospital and then look after her again all the next day so I would have appreciated a lie in myself for a change. He wont apologise and neither will I this time because I know it's not my fault. Maybe it is better if were both done with each other as hard as it is to leave. I'm also 7 weeks pregnant so being a single mum to 2 children wasnt exactly the plan but maybe that's what needs to be done

Silent treatment and stonewalling is more than a 'communication ' problem and 'being a prat'. It is control. It is control so you behave how he wants you to.

I agree it isn't acceptable long term. However that's a hell of a leap to presume he is doing it so she behaves how he wants to.

Is leaving and taking his kids not another form of control?

Call his bluff. Tell him to get help, for his and your sake, and hold him to account. Nobody is born an abuser, and he has testosterone in his blood. He sounds resentful, and he is being passive aggressive. I highly doubt you aren't also, which is why the environment is toxic. It is what happens when communication breaks down. I am the child of an abusive relationship that spent 2 intense years being treated by a psychiatrist specialising in abuse. You learn a few things as part of that... The main being is that it is rarely as clear cut as perpetrator vs. victim. The roles regularly reverse. Separate the behaviour from him and fight the behaviour together.

But why should she be the one that does that? Isn't he an adult responsible for his own behaviour? why should she be the one that tries to 'fix ' him.
It's not premsputous. Of course it's control. So she is put in her place and is punished for speaking back to him.
Leaving is the final step and not takem lightly but yes it is control of your own life and what you don't have to put up with and be treated.

The shit that women put up with because 'he can't help it' or it's not his fault cos he doesn't realise. It doesn't matter why he's does it, that's not her problem. And far too much emotional baggage for her to take on.
He chooses to behave like that. If she's spoken to him about it and he still does it then that laws it worse.
Women need to stop treating men like children that cant take responsibility and mothering them.

I think I would have to raise the issue again this evening when the kids are in bed. I understand the impulse to forget it happened now things are back to normal, but I wouldn't be able to. He obviously wants to pretend it ever happened, but this way nothing has been resolved.

I would want to ask him what happened over the last two days? Why did he ignore me for so long? Why did he think that was an acceptable way to treat someone you love? Did he understand how much it upset the kids?

I would also have to make clear that I wasn't willing to be ignored for days in my own house, and that I needed to be able to disagree with my partner. That I needed to be in a relationship where my opinions are just as valid as my partners'.

If he was unwilling to discuss it, I'm afraid this would be a red line for me.

@Charlottejade89 at least if you split up you’ll get every other weekend to lie in and recharge your batteries. How on earth are you coping doing a night shift and then being expected to do childcare the next day! Is he blind. Is he working? Is he just lying in bed while his pregnant partner works all night and then doesn’t get up tolet her sleep?? That’s disgusting.

Doesn't matter if it's your fault or not OP. That still doesn't justify ignoring you. Any normal adult would have a conversation about the issue once the dust had settled and sorted it out calmly

They're not allowed to slap us about anymore so I think some of them turn to silent treatment instead. It's abusive and controlling and a real gaslighting headfuck too because of the plausible deniability. "No I'm not ignoring you, I'm just tired, you're paranoid" blah blah. My wanker ex used to think that only shouting was abusive - merely going quiet for days on end was, according to him, a nice grown up way of punishing me processing his feelings. It's so subtle but it grinds you down so badly.

How can this behaviour not be abuse?
OP Atilla gave excellent insights and advice here, as usual.Please do not continue to live like this, a lifetime of exposure to this can only harm your children, as pp have said.
Please go to counselling, for your own mental health, and then decide how you want to proceed.
A lifetime of walking on eggshells is no life really.

@CharlotteJade89 I have frequently worked with RNs working night shift, after only a couple of hours sleep, or none at all. How they manage I do not know, I salute them, but it is quite common.

@Vretz, how can you fight behaviour together when one party will not communicate, for days on end. This is more than poor communication.
Please explain.

Sorry I don't have much to add but your comment about him spoiling special times like birthdays and days out struck a chord. There is a poster Jamaisdors who has 3 or 4 threads about leaving her sulking husband. I recommend you read them and draw strength to help you find your way forward. Sorry I don't know how to link.

Thank you all who have replied,
I'm almost through "why does he do that?" And been shocked how much of it I recognise and saddened of how little hope of change there seems to be.

How would i be able to get counselling? Through gp? Do i have to explain why? Is it free?
Thanks

Doughnothole thanks will have a look for that

Vretz
I really didn't think it was abuse either, i still would like to not think it is. But once I've seen it I can't unsee.
It's not just the silence and ignoring, it's a variety if different things that on their own seem insignificant or just the normal difficulties in relationships. But i now believe it not just that.
I have modified my behaviour a lot over the years to appease him, to not to rock the boat but it's not enough and occasionally i slip and have feelings that i show.

For example he has over the years made it clear that I should not challenge him on cleaning anything up after himself unless he wants to or occasionally if i ask nicely as to do me a favour. So now the other day he dropped some fruit in the kitchen floor, I assume he didn't notice, I noticed but not only did i not say anything i also waited until he was not there to pick it up so as to not insult him by 'cleaning up after him' because that makes him 'not at ease at his own home'.

He is abusive and has you well trained.

He will eventually turn your children against you as you become weaker, and then he will be open in his contempt.

He may never actually hit you if you stay. He does not need to. Some women never leave men like this. They are in harness until he dies. And they are mentally ruined by not being able to express themselves.

Don’t let that be you.

@goingtobeokoneday
He's behaving like a depressive. I'd phone MIND and discuss your experiences before viewing it as abuse, as the legal definition of emotional abuse is different to the one MN advocates.

@Rottnest
He has learned to communicate in that manner. His communication is non-verbal, as most is. As above, he is displaying behaviours seen in a depressed teenager. If she leaves, she still must communicate with him. There is plenty of content available online explaining how to communicate with a depressed individual.

I don't think its worth the hard work this will require, he is already damaging his children's mental health, is he not?
Having had a family member similar to him, I don't think I would spend the next ten or twenty years circling around him.
We are on earth for a short time.
Rather than constantly treading on eggshells, I believe I would rather bring up my children in a more settled and peaceful home TBH.
Many thanks for your comments