DH not talking to me, 2nd day

[goingtobeokoneday]

Posting because I feel pretty lonely and sad and have no one to talk to.
I recently (very recently) had my eyes opened that actually my DH is abusive, although quite low-level (if there's such a thing)
Now he's not taking to me and I would previously have been feeling quite quilty about causing it but now i think no actually it's not ALWAYS my fault... or perhaps it is
Still doubting myself.

Few days ago we actually had a nice day, in the evening spending time all together and then DH starting joking about something (fairly trivial) but he knows I don't like it and it's about me and what I haven't done. So I stood up for myself/or got annoyed/angry for no reason (depends on a viewpoint i guess) and listed everything i do in the home and saying I don't see you appreciating any of it or ever saying thanks! that's it, no personal attacks on him, no swearing or calling names, i then left the room.

Afterwards heartbreakingly my kids came to me to say sorry, I explained it was not at all their fault!! (Yes, I failed there as a parent!)

And now 2nd day no communication from DH.

Vretz, I don't know what your agenda is here but you seem determined to water down clear, unequivocal instances of domestic abuse. I don't think you can know much about domestic abuse to say what you have - do read up on it.

op, he is training you, like a dog, to do what he says. He is the boss, your owner, you obey. If you step out of line you're punished (eg silent treatment) until you're half dead, emotionally tortured, and craving for it to stop. Or that's his plan, anyway. Then you'll think twice about crossing him next time...

He is using the children - thank goodness you stood up to him in front of them so they start to understand that what is happening is not right. It wasn't bad parenting on your part but the very opposite. You called out his abusive behaviour in a clear and assertive way. Bravo you!

He will probably sense you're pulling away and his strategies aren't working as well as they have in the past. He may up the charm, become a dear sweet man, or get nastier . But watch out for it and don't be taken in by it.

Keep reading Lundy, look at the Freedom Programme book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven (I think you can get it in pdf). When the madness is over (pandemic) do look at attending the Freedom Programme or do it online, though it costs. How are you reading the Lundy book btw? Is it a physical book or are you reading it in pdf?

Depression and abuse are two different things, not in any way linked or a natural progression. Don't be feeling sorry for him, he knows exactly what he's doing.

ie doing the Freedom Programme on line has a cost but attending the Programme is free. ime it is better to do the f2f meetings if you can.

You're doing great btw.

@Springydaff, I agree with what you have said here, been there, done that!

As for going forward, do study the Womens Aid site. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse btw. It's a shame things are as they are with the lockdown but it gives you time to do research so that when lockdown ends you are more prepared. I have to agree with pp that your relationship - the children witnessing, and being coerced to collude in, his routine abuse - is very damaging for them.

He knew perfectly well he'd dropped the fruit. He was testing you to see how well-trained you are. King of the Castle indeed.

I wonder if you could print out something from 'Why does he do that' that describes his behaviour and give it him to read. Tell him it is classic emotional abuse and ask him what he intends to do about it.

Please don't do this!! Disastrous. He will up the ante and God help you.

Agree, Dont share the source of your new insights op!!

For one thing, if you show him that you have read it in a book and you need to show it to him in the hope that he "approves" it, then you are just showing him that you don't feel this boundary. You have read about it but you dont feel it.

Keep your insights and the source of them private.

Springydaff thank you, it's a relief to hear (even if just online) that I'm not crazy and it's not always only my fault. Although amazingly he has a way of making it out that i blame him for everything and so i make him feel bad. I obviously don't want to make him feel bad so i try to be careful what i say and how.

Thanks for the reading suggestions i will look at womens aid website, i had a brief look once but I felt like a fraud because I don't feel it's that bad...

I'm reading (nearly through) "why does he do that?" on my phone as a pdf.

No I wouldn't show him the book. I don't know how he would react exactly but I'm sure it wouldn't go well

OP.

Your partner may well have mental problems because controlling behaviour like this does not come from nowhere. It originates in his own family, where he will have seen his own mother and father do exactly the same. It has affected him significantly as a child to the point where it is the preferred way of handling everything.

You will not change it. You cannot get him into therapy. He knows what he is doing. He would not treat anyone else he knows like this. He does it in the home because no one sees.

He is deeply contemptuous of you. Where you to dare show him the book he would be enraged. His control would get all the worse.

Get yourself and the children out. I imagine this cleaning thing is not the only example you have. I suspect there is worse but you are embarrassed to say. Don’t be.

Instead get that book and read those lists of conduct. Get a pencil, tick what you feel apply to him. This might upset you. But it will also make you see that he is not a depressive, but someone dangerous to you and your children. Instinctively you will then start to feel what you have denied.

I would also make a strong guess that his father is a bully to his mother and was also to his children.

Children do not forget that. They will side with their mother but also, they will resent a mother who they think did not protect them.

There are people who downplay domestic abuse and it’s impact. The reason to take it seriously is that not just the individual risks, but the sad fact that children brought up in abusive homes are much more likely to end being criminals. Most prisoners grew up in families where there was domestic abuse or violence.

OP,

Your life sounds so controlled and so stressed.

Keep reading and make a plan to live a better life elsewhere.

It originates in his own family, where he will have seen his own mother and father do exactly the same

Not necessarily Lex. It's complex and, yes, it has usually been modelled somewhere in the past but it's not necessarily the mother and father.

but I felt like a fraud because I don't feel it's that bad..

I assure you, it IS bad.

I was you for years. Because I was never hit I felt like a fraud (even now I've recently seen ads for DA orgs with pictures of women with beat up faces). If it helps at all, when I finally got to a WA support group (now defunct, sadly) the others were shocked at what I was experiencing. Many said they'd rather be hit any day than the soul-destroying, decimating effects of emptiness/psychological etc abuse (I'm just reporting what they said, folks!). As it is, women who are hit are also subjected to non-physical abuse, as I was.

*emotional

@Vretz
So the whole dropping the fruit example is because he's depressed?
And your advice is to call MIND?

Dear Lord, think you're completely minimising what the OP is saying and again suggesting it is the OPs job to 'help' him with this shit behaviour. Cos that's what it is. Shit controlling behaviour.
Not only has the OP got to use her energy to look after her own mental health as a result of his behaviour (and her kids)she has to take on looking after his too?

If the OP is going to use energy for any support, it would be to read/join the freedom programme as others have said.
Find some support from WA as well if you can.

@springydaff

Agree but more than likely that the caregivers who raised this man have modelled this behaviour extensively over time. You need repeated exposure for it to be trained into you and then you do it to others. People who have had healthy relationships with their parents don’t often do this.

The bully father gives his kids a choice; defend your mother and get bullied. Or join in and cope that way.

His childhood was not very happy, I don't think there was physical abuse, but definitely emotionally it wasn't great.

Now when i think back to the start of our relationship there were plenty of red flags, but i was young and naive. Always being late and not really apologising for it, didn't want me to go out to meet friends, being rude and aggressive to other people who he thought had 'wronged' him somehow , a waiter, a person in the cinema on our 2nd date who he nearly had a fight with... i wish i had been on mumsnet then

He has recently started to say teasingly to the DC 'are you a girl' when they don't like something, feel tired etc. That made me uneasy before, now it makes me anrgy!
I've been saying'well, i am a girl, what's wrong with that' and also had a talk with DC (away from him) about it, but he is starting to condition them to think the same way isn't he?

I'm so sorry OP.

What to say to you.
It's awful.
Poor you.
Your poor children.
He's a horrible abusive man.
You know.
Your children don't have the words.
But they know.

He's a horribly abusive man.
Reach out to family and friends.

Reach out to Women's Aid.

This is your only hope to try and prevent further damage tonyour children witnessing this.

You are a good mum.
You are trying your best.

Anywhere is better than this.

Peace is priceless.

"goingtobeokoneday" OP, I could have written your post myself. I have been with someone for 16 years, I used to love him, but now he gives me the silent treatment quite often when I step out of line, eg I disagree with him, or won't take his side when he has a go at one of our neighbours. It is emotional manipulation from a "man child". In my case I have made a mental and written plan to escape in less than 2 years, until then I will have to put up and shut up. I wish you well and hope you realise that you deserve more.

My dh used to act like this. I sometimes felt like I was walking on eggshells but one day, I just felt like my eyes had opened so I stopped caring.
When he’d go all silent I just said ‘ok So you’re off for your ritual toddler sulk. Let’s see how long this one lasts, shall we?’ And I just got on with my life.
And one day when he was trying to belittle me I just looked at him and said ever so calmly ‘it used to matter to me what you’d say. Not anymore’
I realised then that I actually had the upper hand. All his tactics were down to his insecurities and maybe feeling he had to control in case I left.
Things started to change after that.
I’m not saying to use the same tactics as I don’t know what your dh is like. Some men can ramp it up.
I felt secure because I knew that deep down below all his issues, he did actually want me to be happy.

Ignore the last poster who can take care of herself and does not have kids by the sounds of it. This man is bullying your children. He is bad news.

@LexMitior well that’s an assumption! We actually do have kids otherwise I would’ve just left his arse. It’s the only reason I stayed.

My DP used to do this. I think the longest was around 5 days. He's stopped now, but I think it definitely changed our relationship. There's a part of me that feels really like 'fuck this relationship' whenever we have a row now, because it takes me straight back to that feeling. That kind of behaviour is so destructive to relationships. It's really quite hard to ever come back from, even if it stops.