People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

Scenario -
A person has been married for many years, the marriage is not happy, intimacy has gone despite many attempts to improve this. The couple pretty much live separate lives under the same roof. There are young children still living at home, to break up the marriage would unsettle the DC and is not an option due to their financial circumstances. The person meets someone else that they develop feelings for and would prefer to be with. There aren’t many people in this situation who would end a marriage without having tested a relationship with a new person. They may not want to cause themselves financial difficulties or affect their DC without being sure that they new relationship is worth the consequences. An affair then develops, now the person has another dilemma; do they leave causing financial hardship for the entire family and cause emotional damage not to mention the judgement they would face from others for abandoning their family. Do they stay and continue their affair and endure the emotional turmoil that this causes and also be judged for having an affair? Society still judges people who walk out on marriages where there are children involved just as much as those who have affairs!

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism I think the one thing you're right about is me being overly invested in this thread. I need to come away from Mumsnet completely. I am astounded at what I have read here.

Because the other women don’t meet your stringent, black-and-white moral criteria you feel you have a moral right or imperative to verbally abuse them with vile dehumanizing language.

Is it really that stringent to expect people not to cheat? Not to cause pain to others? Really? If it is then hands up 🙋🏼‍♀️ I have stringent criteria for how people should behave in relationships.

You also refuse to empathize and see there may be legitimate reasons for participating*

Actually you're right with this one too. I cannot emphasise with cheats. But I feel that there is equally a lack of empathy for betrayed spouses too. Surely all the 'legitimate reasons' for cheating would also be 'legitimate reasons' for leaving a relationship?

I was an OW years ago, I'm not now and never would be again but honestly, those of you who've been at the receiving end of a cheating husband, why are you flocking to this thread? It's really clear what it's about and the name-calling to people who were not involved in your break-ups is pointless.

Why put yourself through the pain? Must be like picking a scab but what does lashing out do for you exactly?

The assumptions being made on this thread that APs are also breaking lockdown are pathetic. Yes, it's a public chatboard and yes you can post any old bollocks on it that you want to, even if you believe your own nonsense, others don't have to.

I think many OW will be reading the thread and not commenting, it's a taboo subject here. I think there will be a higher divorce rate after lockdown for various reasons but will have in common that one or other spouse no longer wants to be in marital 'lockdown' with their husband/wife once covid lockdown has ended. Better that though than maintaining a pretence.

The usual name-calling on the these threads is sickening.

For arguments sake, let's say it's not all black and white and you have an affair for an 'emotional need' .
But if you leave your marriage for the person you had an affair with, what makes you think that relationship will be better?
Surely you're taking the same emotional stuff into the next relationship that the affair was helping to escape from?
Unless the marriage was an abusive one.

That your new partner is better ar providing providing emotional need? That's a big ask.

And trust must be a huge factor that they could treat their married partner like that and it could easily happen to you.
Or would love save the day?

It's pretty complicated.
I feel for the women on the threads where their life had been turned upside down when discovering an affair and the pain is enormous.
An affair is so much more than 2 people involved. It has knock on effects like a ripple through a pond.

This isn't helpful I suppose to the original OP question I know. Just saying how complicated it is really.

I agree with @Boredofbeingathome

If you don't condone cheating and say so = you're a bully

If you don't accept that there are legitimate reasons for cheating = you lack empathy

Gaslighting at its best.

For the life of me I will never understand why people (just women?) do co-sleeping for so long

I don't get why people do this at all, but that's a whole different thread!!

Totally not for me, bed time was my time I couldn't bring myself to share with a baby or child, ever.

Surely all the 'legitimate reasons' for cheating would also be 'legitimate reasons' for leaving a relationship?

Indeed. But it’s no much more convenient to have one woman at home to do the housework/ childcare and another one to date / shag / for emotional support.

He gets to take from both women and give fully to neither. It’s perfect.

People are either cheats or they're not. It's a moral issue

You see, when PP said some people on this thread make themselves look silly, this is exactly the sort of comment that does make the person who said it look silly. It is quite obviously not true. People not either cheaters or not. Everyone's actions will be within a certain context. People often find lives turns out a way that means they do things they never would before. Would you say women are either teh sort of person who would have a abortion or not? Because plenty of women who thought they would never have an abortion have ended up having one.

And as for people saying that people who have affairs have no morals. Well, this is clearly ridiculous too. Reminds me of extreme vegans who dismiss all non-vegans as evil or whatever. Just because someone doesn't have your morals, doesn't mean they have no morals. And often in life, people do things against their morals. See my example above.

I doubt there are many people, except those with very easy lives, who go through their whole life without doing anything against their own moral compass. Isn't doesn't mean they are amoral.

@Faye1284 I think you actually meant to mention me when replying because I was the one who posted this instead of @MysteriesOfTheOrganism.

Actually you're right with this one too. I cannot emphasise with cheats. But I feel that there is equally a lack of empathy for betrayed spouses too.

You don’t know that there is lack of empathy for the spouse. You’re assuming a lot. Way too much actually, and that’s point other posters and I are trying to make. The bullying posters are assuming way too much about people’s intimate lives and are trying to sort everything into hard and black and white columns. The truth is that there’s a lot of grey area in life.

@beeinmygarden
Would you say women are either the sort of person who would have an abortion or not? Because plenty of women who thought they would never have an abortion have ended up having one.

YES. THANK YOU!!

@NotMyNigel

Absolutely. It’s a dream scenario for a man. That’s why so many don’t leave their wives when it comes to the crunch. They don’t want to see their AP in PJ’s watching Eastenders every night. They want her to be sexy, attentive and alluring. They have what they want at home with the wife bar the sex and excitement.

The abuse people dish out on these threads stems from pure fear imvho. I've said that before and it was robustly denied but I still think it. It's fear because you know deep down that most people are capable of it and you're scared your husband might be one of them.

I think you're absolutely right, YgritteSnow.

Nobody's relationship is immune from others. The only rights we have are those which other people choose to give us and fidelity is something we can only compel for ourselves.

The number of threads I see where posters says to 'have a word' the other woman and 'put a stop to it'. It's ridiculous. The only stopping is done by their partner, along with the 'not doing it in the first place'. Other women are not the guardians of anybody's relationship and, if you have a partner that you have to 'police', then you really don't have a relationship worth having at all.

Seelowbrown or perhaps they just don't want to lose out from seeing their children every day, having their financial security heavily impacted, losing friends in the circle, etc.

It's possible but not easy to divorce and the system is set up to penalise, even without Mumsnet posters baying for blood.

@JingsMahBucket yes, sorry it was for you. Is it not a fair assumption that by sleeping with someone's else husband you are showing a lack of empathy towards them? Certainly not enough to stop what you're doing. So I'm happy with my assumption of that. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to to do that to someone. I couldn't justify it to myself for any reason. I would hate myself for that.

For me, participating in an affair is the equivalent of witnessing someone being attacked and doing nothing about it. It's quite black and white. You choose to cheat or you choose not too. There's always a way out of a relationship. Sometimes it's hard but it can be done. As for those that suggest they stay for this kids....as if that makes them a good person 🙈. Kids won't be thankful that you stayed when/if they discover a parents affair. It will tarnish their view of them forever.

I can't believe someone actually compared women's choice to have an abortion with their choice to cheat. Shocking.

If it continues too long, I see him leaving his wife

Agree entirely with beeinmygarden's post. It might not be comfortable for a betrayed spouse to think in those terms but I don't see what benefit there is to platitudes and clouding the reality.

Situations are not black and white, no matter how much some people like to try to convince others that they are.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

or perhaps they just don't want to lose out from seeing their children every day, having their financial security heavily impacted, losing friends in the circle, etc.

That's hardly fair on the poor spouse who thinks everything's ok though is it. How can you justify that? He can't have the best of both worlds and deny his wife the opportunity of having a fulfilling relationship.

I can't believe someone actually compared women's choice to have an abortion with their choice to cheat. Shocking

Well. all you have done there is show how relative morality is.

For those who are against abortion, it is murdering a child.
Much worse than an affair.

And that's my point really. You are very against affairs and judging everyone very harshly against this one standard. Other people with different morals, such as pro-life- judge your morality just as harshly.

The abuse people dish out on these threads stems from pure fear imvho. I've said that before and it was robustly denied but I still think it. It's fear because you know deep down that most people are capable of it and you're scared your husband might be one of them.

Exactly.

A lot of people make some massive decisions that affect the other party and just assume they will suck it up because 'vows'

So many families are together out of convenience.
PPs saying about traumatizing the children, what about those children living in households where the atmosphere can be cut with a knife, Daddy sleeps in the spare room half the time and there is anxiety and resentment constantly bubbling away beneath the surface?
Kids see and feel this.

"Situations are not black and white, no matter how much some people like to try to convince others that they are"

If adultery were illegal it would very much be black and white. As it is it's only moral, so excuses are always used.

"Oh judge, I stole that handbag from that woman because I was feeling financially neglected at home and not being paid attention to, I did it because it made me feel better" - "Oh of course, you poor thing - you;re right, life isn't black and white, no prison sentence for you, no one cares how the other woman felt about having her handbag stolen, off you trot".

Faye1284, that isn't what was said. It was about mind-changing. The black and white thinking that some women have, using a polarising opinion such as having an abortion.

It's a very good analogy. Some women are dogmatic saying that they would never ever have an abortion, no matter what... and then something happens and they change their view. Insert 'affair' for abortion and it's exactly the same thing.

Nobody can know what it's like to be in that position until you're in it. I don't care who they are.

PPs saying about traumatizing the children, what about those children living in households where the atmosphere can be cut with a knife, Daddy sleeps in the spare room half the time and there is anxiety and resentment constantly bubbling away beneath the surface? Kids see and feel this.

Exactly, so the relationship is an incredible unhealthy one that should end. Shagging someone else is just another issue on top of that one!

Adults should model healthy relationships for children, which often means splitting up and coparenting separately.

Shagging someone outside the marriage doesn't do anything for kids in tense, walk on eggshells homes. It just adds another issue to the marriage that is toxic and unhealthy.

@YgritteSnow do you have the same fear then that your partner/husband might do it? Because everyone's capable of it (I can say 100% I'm not capable of it) is it not natural to fear losing someone you deeply love?