People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

YouJustDoYou, well it isn't, so what's the point?

There's lots of things that people morally shouldn't do - park in BB spaces when they have no entitlement to, break the speed limit, park on zigzags/double yellows to pick up children... and on and on.

People justify the things that they themselves choose to do.

... and a husband isn't a handbag and can't be stolen.

Husbands can't be 'stolen' by another woman, they want to go and they go.

I’ll bite too.

He doesn’t live with his partner, although they have been together a long time. So we’ve been texting a lot more than usual, he usually has a busy social life so I think is quite lonely on his own. We have still seen each other very occasionally at work - shift workers so our paths don’t cross too often. Lockdown has changed the nature of our relationship as it was really just occasional sex before but the extra contact has made us both realise there’s probably more to it. It will have to end after lockdown as neither of us want the complication.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe she wasn't trying to say a husband could be stolen. She was emphasising they way cheats excuse their behaviour.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe she wasn't trying to say a husband could be stolen. She was emphasising they way cheats excuse their behaviour

^^This. Switch stolen handbag for punching someone in the face ("oh, I did it because I'm being ignored at home and feeling frustrated and this woman I just punched just made me sooo mad and it;s not black and white, is it? I needed to do it so I did"). Or, switch out for, I don't know, burgling a house, kicking a puppy, throwing a rock through somone's window, hurling racism at someone - all illegal things, all things that are not "black and white". The point you missed is that cheating, and adultery, are sadly not illegal so excuses are used to do it, because cheaters know they can just say they are entitled to do it for insertxyzexcusehere. Illegal things aren't permitted to be excused for "grey" excuses.

*That are black and white, should I say

do you have the same fear then that your partner/husband might do it? Because everyone's capable of it

I'm long term single. And I didn't say "everyone" I said most people are and I believe that. My ex H cheated on me prolifically. I'm long over it but wouldn't bother being in a relationship again because I don't see the point in handing my emotional well being to someone else.

is it not natural to fear losing someone you deeply love?

Of course, but I am talking about the vicious responses on here to anyone who admits to having an affair. Why the vitriol towards some random on MN? Unless you're scared that similar might happen to you.

There's no excuse for cheating anymore than there is for doing any of those things. Has anybody said differently?

What isn't black and white is why cheating happens. If it were a black and white issue then women (and men) wouldn't take cheaters back.

^^This. Switch stolen handbag for punching someone in the face ("oh, I did it because I'm being ignored at home and feeling frustrated and this woman I just punched just made me sooo mad and it;s not black and white, is it? I needed to do it so I did"). Or, switch out for, I don't know, burgling a house, kicking a puppy, throwing a rock through somone's window, hurling racism at someone - all illegal things, all things that are not "black and white". The point you missed is that cheating, and adultery, are sadly not illegal so excuses are used to do it, because cheaters know they can just say they are entitled to do it for insertxyzexcusehere. Illegal things aren't permitted to be excused for "grey" excuses. except that in many of the situations you mention there are such things as mitigating circumstances.

A woman murders her children and she isn’t prosecuted because she is apparently suffering from mental illness or PND. In fact women are almost always excused on here for murdering their children,the assumption is almost always that she must have been mentally ill.And yet to some,to me, murder is murder. No black and white there.

So if you can concede that murdering children isn’t black and white then how can you think that affairs clearly are?

In fact maybe if affairs became illegal (just what would you want the sentence to be I wonder?) the AP would bring the evidence to court that they were in an unhappy/abusive marriage and more men and women would then also be charged with abuse? Win win innit?

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe There's plenty of people excusing cheating and offering excuses for why it might be acceptable on here.

It really is black and white for some. I don't believe people should ever take a cheater back either. I believe it's too damaging and you can't ever really recover from it. How can you love someone that showed you so little respect? How can children feel the same about a parent who inflicted so much pain on another parent? That's why I think leaving is always the better option.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Yes agree with that too.

It’s not fair on the spouse at home but I can see why they want to keep the status quo, especially with kids.

@AlternativePerspective I don't necessarily believe that affairs should be illegal but I do believe you should be penalised more financially if you partake in one. That way maybe cheats would be more respectful and end the relationship before cheating. You're penalised if you break other contracts 🤷‍♀️

It's rightly illegal to abuse someone though and perpetrators of abuse should definitely be penalised.

Penalised in what way? How do you prove it for instance? And at what stage does it become an affair?

It’s already impossible to prove adultery for a divorce. And what if there are mitigating circumstances.

A woman in an abusive relationship for instance,should she be penalised because her way out was to have an affair? Thus the abuse continues?

I don't necessarily believe that affairs should be illegal but I do believe you should be penalised more financially if you partake in one. That way maybe cheats would be more respectful and end the relationship before cheating. You're penalised if you break other contracts 🤷‍♀️
Isn't a normal sex life part of that contract too?
Shall we financially penalise people for not performing sexually in that marriage?
You can still annul for lack of consummation after all.

@AlternativePerspective they should be fined or get less assets? There will always be mitigating circumstances but it's still illegal to thieve despite what your reasons for doing so would be.

@Boredofbeingathome why would you stay in a sexless marriage though? If the marriage isn't serving you, leave. You have every right to leave.

I'm not too worried about him having more sex with his wife. I know they sleep together anyway and he also has another AP apart from me, so I'm used to sharing him.

God thats depressing

Ah yes. Penalise their children into the bargain as well then because with less financial assets those children may well have to go without.

What about if the person having the affair is the main parent who needs to stay in the family home because of the children? Should they be financially punished therefore punishing their children as well?

@AlternativePerspective but wouldn't the parent who was having an affair be the one that penalised the children by knowingly partaking in an affair that they knew would have such consequences?

@Faye1284 I was referring to how ridiculous the idea of financial penalties are for having an affair.

How about financial penalties for not pulling your weight around the house, not getting promoted fast enough, not putting enough effort into sex, for going a over a certain dress size?

Pre nups are frowned upon in these parts don't you know?

Well that depends doesn’t it? Let’s say the person having an affair is in a physically abusive relationship,or even an emotionally abusive one.They meet someone else and that person gives them the confidence to leave that situation. Oh and for the record,a sexless marriage could be considered an emotionally abusive one.

And contrary to what people say, sometimes, depending on the circumstances, it really isn’t as simple as “just leave.” Or I’m assuming you’ll say that to every woman on the relationships board who is in an abusive relationship?

How can children feel the same about a parent who inflicted so much pain on another parent? That's why I think leaving is always the better option

You do realise that in relationships where one partner leaves (not for an OW or OM) and the left behind partner is devastated the children may still feel like this?
I just get tired of how much dishonesty there is in this debate in MN.
The narrative is spread that affairs hurt children/ the spouse but 'just leaving' doesn't. This is clearly not true. I have heard many accounts from people whose partners 'just left' and they were utterly bereft by it, feeling, why did they do this/ why did I deserve it/ feeling the relationship had been a lie/ they had been deceived.

There is more to a 'marriage contract' than "I promise not to fuck other people"