People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

I broke mine off just before lockdown. It was good timing as we would have to see each other at work and that last week was just awful. He was trying to be friendly and I couldn't bring myself look him in the eye, never mind speak to him.

It was emotional, over three years. Very slow burning. Never physical, but we were getting very close. We never discussed our home lives. Neither of us want to leave our marriages. It was simply a thrill, but when push came to shove, I just didn't want to make it physical. I didn't want to cross that line.

I missed him terribly in the beginning and thought about him ALL the time. Wondering what he is up to during lockdown etc. I have deleted his contact details (we don't have social media) and he hasn't made any attempt to contact me.

I feel much more in control of my emotions now, and hope it will stay that way when we do eventually go back to work.

I suppose there’s a difference between affairs where there is lying, deceit, cheating, the spouse is blissfully unaware and continuing to have sex etc. And ones like my XH’s where both know the marriage has died and they are going their separate ways but living under the same roof. I’ve been on both sides of that equation. I knew my XH was seeing other people and I was so relieved he was someone else’s responsibility, but I wasn’t yet ready to kick him out. I didn’t have sex with him for 7 years.

Being separated under the same roof isn't really cheating though. So not really comparable.

@Faye1284
If you read my initial post then you’ll see that it has happened to me. You’re obviously quite bitter at the moment, I’ve been there too but in time you’ll feel less emotional and be grateful that you found out now.
I’m just not a judgemental person and don’t believe that anyone has the right to judge others without actually being in that situation.
My ex was an absolute tosser, he was abusive which for me is a far better measure as to what type of person he is. Him meeting someone else when the marriage was already dead I couldn’t care less about.
It’s extremely difficult to get out of a marriage when you are financially tied, when there are children involved etc. The first time my ex cheated my DC were both under 10, we lived away from family plus I was recovering from a life threatening illness and I had been made redundant! The next time it was far easier because the DC were older and I was in a better position financially.
Am I happier now? Hell yeah, good luck to his OW, they’re married now and I’ve been reliably informed that he’s abusive towards her.

That’s my point really. The people seeing ‘affair’ assume there is cheating, the piss-taking, gut-wrenching, destructive deceit. To me it also encompasses the turning a blind eye, not making it official, can’t afford to split situation. What they both share is that they are part-time liaisons, not necessarily going anywhere, almost certainly won’t last. they’re certainly not for everyone therefore, but not seeing the AP during lockdown is just sexually frustrating, nothing more.

I don't see what's wrong in judging and its ludicrous to claim bullying. In many affairs there are kids who have their lives ripped apart. I'll reserve my sympathy for the innocent victims not the people hurting them.

@McTits why do you assume that I'm bitter because I don't condone cheating? I just think it's abhorrent and I'm entitled to that opinion. Luckily for me, in real life, I'm surrounded by people with like minded views and morals and my husband knows 100% that I would never forgive any kind of infidelity, because I deserve more respect than that. He also knows that he is free to leave at any time (as am I).

@McTits do you not view cheating as abusive too? It often impacts on mental health? The lies, gaslighting? Pretty abusive if you ask me.

I'm also a bit about the bullying claims. Of course there are many affair stories, and no one wants to hear of someone in a loveless marriage/relationship, or god an abusive relationship, but those having an affair whilst their other halves are blissfully unaware seems unimaginably cruel.

I'm also a bit annoyed that there is a consensus that those vehemently against affairs are bitter women, or scared of losing their partner/husband to an affair.

I don't understand how people in relationships can be unaware their partner is having an affair over a long period of time. Maybe if they work away but otherwise no.

@VivienneMary

Maybe complete trust makes people blind to subtle changes in their partners behaviour? They put it down to stress, or pressure, or the classic "depression".
Maybe feel confused and down themselves that perhaps they have done something wrong but can't figure out what is happening, and don't automatically assume an affair as they trust 100%.

All in all, a pretty grim scenario for all concerned.

He’s left his wife during lockdown but it’s been me who’s been apprehensive about leaving my husband.

Lovely. So now his wife is going into parenthood as a single mum whose husband left her while pregnant (I can't imagine how painful that would be at such a vulnerable time) not knowing that husband did so for a woman who didn't really want to be with him in real life anyway.

Which indicates it was worth you contributing to fucking up other people's worlds but not worth fucking up your own. Nice work.

Hopefully lockdown will make some people having affairs reflect on their own actions and cringe at how selfish and destructive their behaviour is.

People fall out of love, people fall in love with others, people have the right to leave a relationship for any reason at any time, people can want polyamory to be their lifestyle. That's just real life.

None of those reasons justify having an unknowing partner be cheated on and likely told they're mental / paranoid if they pull their cheating partner up on something that doesn't add up.

Life is short, don't be a dick.

It’s possible to acknowledge that cheating is a despicable act and that the person doing it is in the wrong without that then leading to the thought that they’re a despicable person on every conceivable level.

There are crimes where that would be considered to be the case,rape, murder,child abuse. But affairs really aren’t up there.

Sometimes good people do bad things. That doesn’t make them bad people through and through.

Sneaking around and cheating on your partner and then on theirs, how grim.

Cheaper than a prostitute I suppose.

@AlternativePerspective

I agree, I haven't said otherwise.

It's a horrible thing do do, awful and destroys the confidence and security of the unknowing partners.

Good people do bad things.

And it's a really bad thing to do, so I hope people doing it use this lockdown as a chance to reflect on their actions and the possible consequences.

I'm not damning them to hell in saying that.

@Loubylou9162 why is it complicated? Do you plan on leaving your husband now he's left his wife? Just curious

In many affairs there are kids who have their lives ripped apart. I'll reserve my sympathy for the innocent victims not the people hurting them.

Yes, and you can do that without bullying the affair partners. It is possible, you know. So many of posts on here are absolutely vitriolic and vile.

Name change because I don't want my other posts raked over.

I've been cheated on repeatedly in the past found myself single. I know why that happened to me now.

There aren't "plenty of lovely single men" it took me 2 years to find one that wasn't a dickhead. Dating in your 40s is absolutely brutal.

70% of the men that I spoke to on dating sites were in relationships already and some hid it magnificently. Eventually you suss them out, they beg (literally BEG at times) for you to just meet with them for a coffee.

The "lovely husband tempted by an evil scarlet woman" is a very, very naive way to look at it.
As PP have said, happily married people don't look elsewhere.

There's a lot more sexless marriages out there than people will admit to. (I was in one )
Life isn't black and white and neither are affairs.

One guy I chatted to didn't want sex, just attention. His wife still co sleeps. The child is 8. He sleeps on the floor in the lounge. That is his life now, I'm guessing he didn't enter marriage expecting that. She refuses to address it, he doesn't want to leave his beloved daughter or the family home.

I think this topic evokes such anger and vitriol because people are aware that they aren't necessarily in happy relationships.
If you're worried your other half is going to stray why aren't you working on your marriage?
Men unfortunately are quite sex driven. Maybe modern society needs to drop the religion based "sanctity of marriage" and be realistic.
If it's not happening at home, it might be happening elsewhere.

There are unwritten rules on Mumsnet; people who have affairs are scum of the Earth regardless of their circumstances, every husband who is acting a bit shifty is having an affair and everyone in an unhappy relationship is being abused!
Being judgemental and narrow minded is perfectly fine though... If you dare to suggest that life is rarely that black or white then prepare for the backlash!

@Faye1284 I think why you may be perceived as bitter is because you’re so caustic and seemingly over invested in this thread.

The posters bullying these other women and calling them equivalents of prostitutes, etc remind me of the ultra conservative women in The Handmaid’s Tale. Because the other women don’t meet your stringent, black-and-white moral criteria you feel you have a moral right or imperative to verbally abuse them with vile dehumanizing language. You also refuse to empathize and see there may be legitimate reasons for participating. This moral absolutism is a slippery slope.

@Boredofbeingathome

Well said

The deceit that goes on for months and even years is totally sickening. How could a new partner trust somebody prepared to lie like that and keep up deception. But they're probably doing the same thing themselves.

What @JingsMahBucket said too!

We all know what the ideal relationship looks like. But we also know how hard it is to find it and maintain it. Read any of the endless relationship posts to see how much people long for love and security, but get stuck in misery, deceit, fantasy, denial, stupidity, entitlement, addiction and confusion, or feel trapped by children, poverty, cultural expectations, and so on. Of course affairs are not ideal. But life is a messy business for most of us. If it hasn't been for you, maybe try compassion before judgement.

@Boredofbeingathome
The "lovely husband tempted by an evil scarlet woman" is a very, very naive way to look at it. As PP have said, happily married people don't look elsewhere.

Exactly. People want to believe it so simple as there was a harlot who tempted my silly husband away. Real life and real people are much more complicated than that.

There's a lot more sexless marriages out there than people will admit to. (I was in one ) Life isn't black and white and neither are affairs.

One guy I chatted to didn't want sex, just attention. His wife still co sleeps. The child is 8. He sleeps on the floor in the lounge. That is his life now, I'm guessing he didn't enter marriage expecting that. She refuses to address it, he doesn't want to leave his beloved daughter or the family home.

For the life of me I will never understand why people (just women?) do co-sleeping for so long and are then shocked, SHOCKED I tell you when their partners are unhappy or distant. Why on earth would you deliberately kill the intimacy between you and your partner like that?? My guess is the pro-co-sleeping parent may have anxieties about being alone with their partner again after the birth of a child? Then the child becomes a protective metaphorical and physical barrier against having to address the glaring elephant in the room.