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Original poster

People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

502 replies

Sosweetmylovelygirl · 30/04/2020 16:28

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 30/04/2020 23:28

@roff
Thank you for answering, no I certainly wouldn’t have scoffed, I was genuinely interested in whether your feelings would be different if you were not the only one, or if you were at peace with being in a shared situation, that’s all.

namechangecareerchange · 30/04/2020 23:29

I'll bite. Although I'm not strictly having an affair - I'm single. I'm seeing and falling in love with a married man. I haven't seen him for weeks. We are both keeping to the rules - I haven't gone past the end of my drive for over a week! Although we speak daily (we work together so it's necessary) it's kept to work talk.

I hate it. I miss him. I shouldn't have these feelings, and I don't deserve sympathy. But i do have them and it hurts.

So yes it's lonely. It's increasing the feelings of jealousy. Both of his wife and my friends who are with their partners.

Judge me. You can't make me feel more awful about what I'm doing than I do. I don't want to end it because I'm scared of being hurt. And that's selfish I know. And I hate myself for it. One day I'll get the courage.

roff · 30/04/2020 23:31

@RyanBergarasTeeth it started really gradually. Like I said we've known each years and just started spending more time together, talking more, sharing more. We both noticed it at different points and stepped back, but ended up being drawn in again.

Then we had a massive fight about something, weren't talking which was horrible and were both really hurt. Then on a celebratory night out with friends we over compensated our making up.

We then spent many weeks avoiding each other before eventually talking about how we felt and going from there. Then lockdown happened immediately so now we stuck at this point.

We have discussed the fact that we will need to make a decision together before long but neither of us is quite ready to confront it all yet. I'm as scared of him leaving as I am of him staying.

roff · 30/04/2020 23:35

@Samtsirch sorry for assuming. I would be devastated if not the only one but I'd have a hard time believing it even possible.

As for how, because I know him. I know what this is doing to him, I know how he already doesn't have enough time in the day, and I know that this started with feelings that became sex, not looking for sex to begin with.

But also because I trust him and in him. But I suspect that's the bit people can't get their head around.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 30/04/2020 23:38

@roff thanks for answering. I do think after lockdown so many people need to make long term decisions that can affect their lives forever.

qwertyl · 30/04/2020 23:42

I wondered the same, work in a male dominated city role and the random snogging and shagging is rife, suppose different to 'affairs' but expect it to be ten fold increased if everyone is back to work...

Chewbacca1111 · 30/04/2020 23:46

Roff have you met his wife?

roff · 30/04/2020 23:47

@Chewbacca1111 no I haven't. She came into the background of a group zoom a few weeks ago and I just froze.

UnaCorda · 30/04/2020 23:49

I don’t doubt what you are saying. I’m not implying people who have affairs are completely devoid of all morals...

Some posters do seem to be saying exactly that, though.

...but they are still ‘breaking rules’ to get what they want. If someone is prepared to break marital promises for an affair then likewise I would expect them to break lockdown rules for it also.

But that's my point. You may of course be right, but just because someone breaks rule "a" doesn't mean it's a given that they'll also break rule "b". Yes, there are people who wouldn't dream of breaking any rule, but usually people are less black and white than that.

One person might have no problem speeding on occasion, but will fill in their tax return with scrupulous honesty. Someone else might have the occasional spliff but wouldn't dream of bending the truth on their CV. And others might do the exact opposite...

Chewbacca1111 · 30/04/2020 23:50

Roff I’m not gonna lie, I hope a really cute and nice guy meets you randomly and then you be his girlfriend.

NoMoreDickheads · 01/05/2020 00:02

@roff If your feelings are kind of serious, and you've already known him years, why not wait till he's left his wife? If he's that into you he could leave her before he starts /continues anything. If he doesn't want to be with her anymore he could leave anyway.

I know the practicalities might take a while to sort out.

I say this as someone who's been an OW several times, so I do understand. But nowadays I think about someone in your situation- what's the rush? Why do this at all? You could stay relatively platonic till he's left his wife (and got his own place.)

UnaCorda- good point. I always used to have a blind spot or something when it comes to seeing men who were in relationships. Other than that I like to think I'm not a particularly unpleasant person.

Jezebel101 · 01/05/2020 00:04

If only everything was as clearly back and white as the world some live in.

People can have affairs because they're shits in human form, and people can have affairs because of a million other reasons, that may involve factors that are uncommon and otherwise devastating. If you don't know someones story, don't presume to know enough to stand in judgement. There are many (50?) shades of grey in the human experience.

I've never had an affair, I have been cheated on in the past.

Faye1284 · 01/05/2020 00:07

@UnaCorda I do believe that cheaters have lower morals than those that don't cheat. Cheating requires deceitfulness and a lack of empathy for the feelings of others. I honestly believe that you can justify having an affair and inflicting emotional pain on others (including children) then you are probably unkind, inconsiderate and deceitful in other ways too.

Faye1284 · 01/05/2020 00:12

I say this as someone who's been an OW several times,

@Crazychild - see what I mean? You're either that way or you're not.

scrambledbananas · 01/05/2020 00:14

The only people I know who are having an affair, are not seeing each other currently.

I don't ask for details as I don't want to know BUT I don't think that my married friend is worthy of somethings said on here.

I think she is increasingly desperately unhappy and needs to be supported as she works through this (she does realise that she has to end her marriage) because she is a good person, even though she hasn't made the best choices. Although I don't want to hear the ins and outs of it.

(But it did take me a month after discovering this to get myself to this point of realisation because I would be heart broken if DH did this to me.)

Zovir · 01/05/2020 00:20

My AP is spending lockdown at home with his wife and children, I’m divorced and living with a family member. At the end of lockdown he’ll live here during the week, my family member will go back to their home.

Lockdown has been interesting. I’ve been fine. I’ve missed the frequent sex and cuddles but we’ve stayed in frequent touch by messaging and phone calls. He is evidently struggling a lot, often in tears. He doesn’t like being at home. I dread him reaching the end of his tether and leaving his family for me, because that’s not what I want (and he knows it).

I know the accepted MN take is that a married man who has an affair is causing pain to their saintly, deeply loving wives and treating their AP as a sex object while all the OW wants is a man to make her complete, but I think that’s just sexist. I want him part-time, I don’t want to take responsibility for him or anyone else. If I found a single guy I’d be in the same dilemma. I think society and conventional morality are ridiculous in expecting long-term, 24/7 monogamy as the norm. I did that for 30 years and it didn’t make me happy. This does.

NotMyNigel · 01/05/2020 00:23

@namechangecareerchange

I hate it. I miss him. I shouldn't have these feelings, and I don't deserve sympathy. But i do have them and it hurts

I don’t judge you for having feelings for a colleague and I do have sympathy for you. However I judge you and particularly him for acting on them.

Please end it before you are really badly hurt. And you waste years of your life when you could be in an honest relationship with a man who wants to be with you and is proud of you, not someone’s dirty shameful secret.

Faye1284 · 01/05/2020 00:32

@Zovir who's expecting long term monogamy as the norm? Most people are perfectly excepting of people having open relationships, having more than one partner or leaving a partner they no longer love. People have a problem with the dishonesty and pain caused by cheating.

SandyY2K · 01/05/2020 01:20

Thanks for clarification on name change OP.

Affairs can be complicated and it doesn't really help to use insults, especially in a thread where those in an affair have been invited to comment.

A pp mentioned APs being dumped during lockdown, but spouses are also being dumped too. It depends on the state of the marriage.

Being with your spouse all day, may just highlight that you're deeply unhappy and can't stick it out anymore. Instead of sneaking around, you suddenly realise that life's too short and you need to split up.

NoMoreDickheads · 01/05/2020 01:21

^I say this as someone who's been an OW several times,
Crazychild - see what I mean? You're either that way or you're not.^

@Faye1284 People can change though and it's not something I'm going to do again. Everyone has their weaknesses/flaws I guess.

I want him part-time, I don’t want to take responsibility for him or anyone else. If I found a single guy I’d be in the same dilemma. I think society and conventional morality are ridiculous in expecting long-term, 24/7 monogamy as the norm. I did that for 30 years and it didn’t make me happy. This does.

@Zovir But why with a married guy when you could have a single one and not mess with someone's marriage? I know it's easy for me to say now I'm out of it. I always thought there was something special about the guys in relationships I saw, which made them worth it.

As to those who say how can we 'cause pain' to someone- I didn't consider it that way as it wasn't doing the partners any harm at the time because they didn't know about it, so it didn't effect them in any tangible way. Wrong, I know. It's more of a potential pain isn't it? You're doing something that someone wouldn't like if they knew about it.

I don't see it as justifiable though as it's completely unnecessary. Even if it's true love they can wait till the person's left their spouse.

TinRoofRusty · 01/05/2020 01:36

One of my closest friends is having an affair with a medic. Admittedly she has rather un mariage blanc. He's divorced. She's still been meeting him. She says she's going for a walk, and she does, to his apartment. Business as usual. I don't think her husband gives a shit, tbh. He hasn't for a long time.

McTits · 01/05/2020 01:39

I’m not in this situation but have been cheated on and I cannot believe how vile and judgemental some of the comments are. According to Mumsnet having an affair is second only to being a murderer or child abuser!!! Having an affair is not a criminal offence! Yes morally it’s not a good thing to do and people should end a relationship before starting another but life is rarely that simple when you are financially tied to someone or if there are children involved whose lives would be affected by divorce.
Human emotions are complex and people have affairs for a variety of different reasons, this does not make them bad people.
Suggesting that people who have an affairs won’t be sticking to lockdown rules because they have no regard for rules is ridiculous!
It’s clear from reading posts on these forums that many people are trapped in unhappy relationships. Affairs are about far more than just sex. Generally, people in happy relationships whose emotional and sexual needs are being met don’t cheat!
There are lots of things I don’t agree with such as being religious, voting Tory or for Brexit but going out to clap for the NHS etc. I wouldn’t dream of judging anyone who makes these choices.

FirstOfMyNameMotherOfCats · 01/05/2020 01:41

Tottenham Marshes, apparently

TinRoofRusty · 01/05/2020 01:43

You'd have to know them well to really understand it. She can't really leave and tbh, neither of them, she or her lover, want that. Her husband, he's nice, but he's, I think he's asexual just, not sure, but I know him quite well, there's something off about him in some ways. Their meetings are briefer, but seriously, she could disappear all day and her husband wouldn't give a fuck. He wouldn't even ask where she'd been.

1forAll74 · 01/05/2020 01:51

Some people who are having an affair, will be sensible for the interim, and take a break. But others will still be going full steam ahead. It's the same with most things, the sensible, and the chancers. But maybe, there will be some,who will break off an affair now, because the absolute awfulness of this covid virus, and what it is doing to families, will make them realise what the most important things in life are now.