People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

@SandyY2K I completely agree with what you say about the imbalance when a single woman settles for being the OW. Up until very recently, I’ve been in that role for quite a while and let me tell you, I am anything but strong and independent. It upsets me because I suppose I never realised how little self-worth I had/have until this relationship started and I realised I was settling for the tiniest of crumbs while he had the whole cake back at home with his family. I’m out of it now and it feels so raw and painful, but I wish I’d done it sooner.

Relationships are complex, deciding whether to stay in a marriage or leave is complex. But deciding to cheat on someone is like deciding to poison them-while telling them the food is fine, don’t be paranoid. Not once, but time after time. It’s desperately cruel and while staying or leaving may be a hard choice, stealing someone else’s health and future, while denying them the enjoyment of someone who might love them - it’s not really difficult is it? I think once people start it becomes easier - like anything, really more you do it the less wrong you consider it to be in your mind. Eventually it just becomes habit - sneak off on a Wednesday, delete messages before entering house, etc etc.
Like - taking money from the cash till - the first £50 when you were desperate is so hard to do. You know it’s wrong, you’ve been in agony over not having enough for things you really need. By the time your shifting £500 a week - you’ve got the cunning system in place, and have forgotten it felt wrong - it’s just about not getting caught. Sometimes the public shame of being discovered creates a realisation and people are then horrified at what they’ve done. Others are just wrong’uns who will never change.
So yes - the reasons we steal, lie, cheat, hurt people are complex - often sad and not without a background of suffering.
But to reflect on it and consider yourself worthy of support to continue? Just honour among thieves I guess?

Oh - but I think those who are single and in a relationship with someone who is cheating to be with them, that’s completely different.
Unless they are planning on turning their life upside down to be with you (this is very rare)! Then let me tell you- you really don’t stand a chance!
For one thing - they have the comfort and security of another (primary) relationship. They don’t go home alone - you do. They gain strength, security, affirmation, love and usually sex in that family home - you have an empty cupboard. Second - they have every excuse to just feed you scraps, all on their terms - and you lap it up like an abused little puppy. They can call all the shots because they have a big deceit to maintain and you can’t spoil it - they have family obligations that you can’t stop.
The word narcissist is thrown around too much - but when someone doesn’t really care about you - it’s almost the same as being in love with a narcissist. Some are utter shits- but most are just not that into you - because - other life, wife, kids, family, secrets, money - that’s why they chose you - you’ll take it! It’s gonna hurt and you don’t stand a chance.

@CinammoninmyTea

I'm glad you're out of of it, because it really messes up with your mental health.

It ruins your self esteem and just has a way of making you feel like nothing.

You're sat on the sidelines seeing his life progress, while you watch.

Sometimes I hear the nonsense that the MM tells the OW and she believes it... it's the stringing along for years on end and sometimes, if and when he finally leaves his wife....he decides he wants to live the single life and make a fresh start with someone else.

There's something that one OW said that I'll always remember. She said, don't make it easy for him. If he says he's miserable in his marriage and you make it bearable...stop making it bearable, or he'll never leave.

She demanded that when he was with her, he couldn't take calls from his wife...when he was with his wife, she didn't want any communication from him.
She wasn't going to indulge with compliments and I love yous or his moans about wishing he was with her.

She told him she didn't want to hear about his marital problems and as long as he stayed, he had to deal with the problems on his own ow with a therapist.

She wasn't going to be the OW and the sounding board for issues with his wife.

She told him that until he committed to her, she was free to go on dates and he had no right to ask about it. He struggled with that, but she said he realised it was hypocritical...this is what sped up him leaving the marriage. He didn't want to share her, but expected her to share him and she wasn't having it.

He did leave his wife, as he realised she wasn't going to be a compliant OW that he could take in and out of a box when it suited him. That he could blow hot and cold when it suited him, while her emotions went up and down.

She said, don't make it easy for him. If he says he's miserable in his marriage and you make it bearable...stop making it bearable, or he'll never leave

She demanded that when he was with her, he couldn't take calls from his wife...when he was with his wife, she didn't want any communication from him.
She wasn't going to indulge with compliments and I love yous or his moans about wishing he was with her

She told him she didn't want to hear about his marital problems and as long as he stayed, he had to deal with the problems on his own with a therapist

She wasn't going to be the OW and the sounding board for issues with his wife

She told him that until he committed to her, she was free to go on dates and he had no right to ask about it. He struggled with that, but she said he realised it was hypocritical...this is what sped up him leaving the marriage. He didn't want to share her, but expected her to share him and she wasn't having it

I suppose if choosing to be the OW then this is the way to do it, at least it's partly on your own terms. Then MM has a direct choice - tell his wife which will hurt her but at least she is no longer being deceived & has a chance of rebuilding life not based on others' lies. Or leave OW alone and go home to wife and family.

I'm having an affair with someone who has flitted in and out of my life for 20 years
We had a very casual FWB relationship years ago didn't see each other for years as I moved away and got married then came back into each other's life 5 years ago
He said he had always loved me that I'd left him and he'd wanted me to stay and be with him

Many similarities to previous posters but the difference being now I am married and he has been single the last 4 years. Around a year ago we stopped contact he hated that he couldn't have a relationship with me wanted me to leave my husband and told me if he couldn't have it all then we had to end it! I respected his choice and we went NC.
He met someone else seemed settled and I was happy for him it's all I ever wanted for him
He got back in touch with me this year before lockdown and stupidly it started up again he says he loves me I think I love him
I think I'll leave my husband after lock down
Not for the other man but for me
I'm obviously not happy in my marriage whilst it's not abusive it's depressing nothing in common different aspirations and no sex for about a year and before that I could count on one hand how often we dtd a year
I want more
He is the only man I have ever cheated with I was someone who would have said I would never cheat in my marriage
The lock down has probably not effected my affair as much as it's effected my marriage
It's highlighted all the reasons I can't do this for the next 20 years!!

I'll bite.

Yes, I'm having an affair and yes it's been more difficult but where there's a will, there's a way.

I miss him, but we'll get through this.

As for the future, well who knows?

I'm not sure the benefits of marriage are all that, to be honest. Maybe for men? Anyway, I prefer the single life to my previous married life. I don't need anyone full time in my life. It makes things more stressful for very little benefit. Particularly when you have kids. If I was single with no kids, perhaps I would feel differently, but I am the head of my household, I really don't need anyone getting in the way of that. It's very much less stressful than being married. Why swap one husband for a new one?

I'm seeing a married man. I do admit that we have met maybe 5 times during this pandemic. We miss each other deeply and it's so hard not seeing each other as much as we normally did.

Reading these posts it seems tough and very sad being the OW. I would not want to be that unhappy so much of the time.

We miss each other deeply

Time and time and time and time again these men SAY they miss the ow "deeply" or whatever, but when it comes to leaving their wives and actually being with ow, they rarely.ever do. Why? Because words are cheap, and it's just so, so easy to get another human being to believe whatever you want by telling them whatever they want to hear. If they can lie so easily to their wives, what makes you think they are not lying so easily and skilfully to you?

Reading these posts it seems tough and very sad being the OW. I would not want to be that unhappy so much of the time

That's what I get from all this too. It's just really, really tragic and sad that this is how they are living their lives. What's worse is when they have children involved.

@YouJustDoYou to be honest I do agree with that and I know he would never leave etc but I just can't seem to get out. I do miss him and I do believe that he misses me but he obviously would never act on it but whenever I have tried to end things between us, he uses the suicide card and plays on that. I admit it's my own fault for getting involved but I do care for him and I guess he's got me wrapped around his finger which is sad.

@honie458

You are wasting a sizeable chunk of your life on someone who doesn't want you, not really, not enough to be with you. Aren't you offended that he thinks so little of you?

Life is so short and already hard enough, why are you wasting it on such a dicksplash?

Come on, be the one to end it and you can be proud of yourself instead of letting the toxicity chip away at you every day.

When I was young worked for the council a massive building, there were three young ones under a martinet Miss Evans, who was the Borough Treasurers secretary. She was late fifties. We were amazed to find out that she had been the OW to the town clerk for years, until his retirement as youngsters we thought it so funny, but in actual fact it was tragic. She never married, had children, just lived in her parents house until the day they died then lived alone.

The chief rating officer a jack the lad had a young woman he had made his OW, she had been that for years, she had a ring on her other hand he had given her. He had two young children he talked about all the time to other staff. Her youth slipped away. He did not leave his wife. Perhaps she did not mind, who knows, everyone felt sorry for her though there was an air of sadness around her.

@justasking111 it is very hard on the heart being the OW - I would not recommend it. You survive on hope alone. In 5%~ of cases it works in your favour but the rest of the time, things work out with the married couple getting back together - at least for a while. I was one of the 5% but I would not wish that on anyone. The guilt after the fact was as hard as the deed itself.

When I was young worked for the council a massive building

justasking same here. I was in my mid-20s & your comment has just reminded me how surprised I was to find out that so many people were having affairs. & we had flexitime so people having affairs would slope off together for a 2 1/2 hour lunch, and/or go out on home visits together. Nothing was ever said people just turned a blind eye, 'work couples' were a thing.

Since then I've always believed many affairs take place mostly or totally during working hours so it's entirely possible spouses would never find out.

I know he would never leave... but whenever I have tried to end things between us, he uses the suicide card and plays on that.

So he expects you to believe that he loves you so much that he would kill himself if you left him, but doesn't love you enough to leave his wife? This man clearly has no intention of topping himself.

Divorce was much harder then, and more stigmatized

The guy I have seen for years is Asian first generation, arranged marriage, muslim. He could easily divorce but it would be really shit for his wife, and also his grown but not yet married kids. Why would he do that? Personally I think she should divorce him, but she chooses not to, I don't need him full time so it makes no difference to me either way, presumably it works in some way for them so that's how it is. Arranged marriages don't always work out and divorce is more stigmatising for women and the children. We were like that as well as a society. Not sure we have moved on too much further tbh

The whole "how sad for you, you're so worthless" narrative on this thread is getting dull.
Let people tell their stories.
We get it, you think affairs are conducted by people with no self esteem etc.

Personally mine were because I didn't want any interference in my life. Guess who doesn't do that? Men with everything to lose.
Both get an itch scratched then off we pop back to our lives.

Agreed, I know many here are wives who want to denigrate the OW, but I was a wife too.

Relationships are complicated, marriages and complicated and so are affairs.

@Boredofbeingathome so maybe you don't have low self esteem but you are selfish and have poor morals and lack of empathy for others. I think you're the worst type. Willing to cause lasting trauma to all involved just to get your leg over. 🤢

@Faye1284
Takes 2 to tango
I have never chased anyone

@Faye1284
Besides, I thought you were leaving this thread?

@Boredofbeingathome they could probably sense your desperation. I'll do what I like thanks though 😊