People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

I don't think there's any point judging people for having affairs, they'll do it anyway. But specifically the bullshit reasons they give are what makes me roll eyes. Cool with the home relationship as long as they can sneak around with someone else. There must surely be something very conveniently bearable at home?

We don't wither away for lack of any man or woman but some people speak as if they set eyes on this outside Demi-God and just like that, are entirely helpless to resist through no fault of their own. Instead of saying nah I fancied him/her just want to fuck around whilst doing just enough to keep the home fires burning so I don't have to face arguments or divorce none of that stress, I want to keep hold of my shitty home relationship.

Women in particular romanticise affairs to a cringinginglridiculous extent whilst Mr Leg-Over outside man likely isn't even fantasising analysing it all to even 1/4 of the extent.

And the are of course varying degrees of cake eaters too!

@Babaoreally I’m not saying it’s the same, of course it’s not. But both are open to moral judgement, as are lots of other things in life. The point is we don’t know what another persons life is really like as we’re not living it, and the choices of others can make no sense sometimes and be open to judgement, but I don’t personally feel you should judge in life. Those who do judge go on about empathy but they themselves have zero empathy for others who don’t behave in the way they deem acceptable.

Read the OP @ Confused866 . This it’s NOT a support thread.

The Op says quite clearly that she is NOT having an affair herself and is just curious. She’s not looking for sympathy.

The Op wants fun stories because she is curious and I have posted mine. I’m just as entitled to post my life experience as anyone else.

Read my post again maybe, I didn’t say this one was a support thread but the other one that has been derailed was.

one spouse is dreadfully unhappy - has been for years - but knows for certain that the other spouse will commit suicide if they left.

I will not be held to ransom like this. If they will commit suicide, then so bet it.
In fact that kind of manipulation would make me get as far away from them as possible.

@SandyY2K exactly. So it doesn't excuse an affair then does it?

Well - hold on @Confused866 - I’m not saying you can’t have compassion- even for people who are doing something wrong, or that all wrongs are the same - clearly some people’s have sympathy for the force of their circumstances or the pain they are in - others for their remorse. But you can’t possibly say you can go through life without any sense of right and wrong, good and bad, or not try to help people see the hurt they cause others? I think ‘judging’ is the wrong word because no one is passing sentence-but yes - if someone is causing harm to another person I’d say it is not wrong to explain why they should think again.

@babaoreally that’s fine but that’s not what happens on these threads is it? The judgers wade in and tell people they are a disgrace etc and start telling stories of someone they know who committed suicide as the result of an affair etc... it’s not what was being asked in the OP. It never is. Most people having an affair KNOW it’s wrong and don’t feel proud of themselves, there may be a small minority who are uncaring and don’t give a shit who they hurt but most will be feeling guilt and shame and don’t really need any more poured on them here. It’s just mud slinging and I presume people do it to make themselves feel good that they’re SO much better than these despicable adulterers.

@Confused866
*
I just think it’s annoying that they can never be discussed without the thread being completely derailed by the judgey people jumping on to tell everyone how awful they are.*

I guess some people don't feel that a support thread for cheats is appropriate. After all, it's a choice to cheat. Not something that just happened to you.

Also I very much doubt many people actually set out in life to have an affair or cheat on their partner, but things happen. I think the trouble is that people give their reasons or try to explain what led them there, then the judgey people jump in with ‘that’s not an excuse!’ - did the person say it was an excuse, or justifiable, or did they just try to explain how things ended up that way? No reason or explanation will ever be good enough for judgemental people because cheating is basically akin to murder it seems on here.

@Faye1284 I thought you were stepping away from the thread? I think everyone understands now that you find cheating abhorrent. Message received loud and clear!

@Confused866 - I’d completely agree that it’s only fair to respond to the actual circumstances of the person you’re commenting about, rather than jump in with blanket statements that rarely apply to everyone. That said - people can also be remorseless, in denial or truly narcissistic when engaged in an affair - and I think that can provoke judgement.

@Faye1284 also how very egotistical to think that just because YOU don’t think there should be a support thread then you can stop it from happening? Maybe set up your own forum with your own rules? It is allowed on Mumsnet as far as I’m aware.

And I think it depends whether someone is explaining or justifying their infidelity- whether they recognise the reasons and the harm, or whether they are excusing themselves. And people should take care over which it is before attacking them on they’re account of where they are.

I’m guessing by your name and stance that you’re having or had an affair @Confused866? I couldn’t judge you on just that. I think it depends on the pain you’re in versus the pain you are causing. Whether you are seeking something you deny to a partner or escaping something you are forced to endure?

@babaoreally that’s sensible but still, do they deserve to be attacked even if they are trying to justify it? I just think a lot of people need to look at their own behaviour on here when they think they’re on some kind of crusade to tell others what terrible people they are with no empathy. Everyone hates the ‘it’s not black and white’ statement but it’s true that human behaviour and human relationships are very complex and you can’t fit everything into boxes. However I do think some people really do struggle NOT to have everything in neat boxes. Right and wrong, good and bad. I do believe these people lack insight into human behaviour and lack critical thinking skills. I don’t expect them to agree with me there or to be willing to think about that as a possibility though.

@Confused866 When a cheat calls a non cheat egotistical 🙄 Oh the irony.

I don't want or think I can stop this thread. I was just answering your question.

@Babaoreally I haven’t personally but I am in a marriage that I’m not entirely happy in and I can see how it happens. I also have friends who have had / are having an affair and I understand their reasons. They’re not bad people in my eyes. There’s another thread going on currently about the reasons why women don’t just leave marriages they’re not happy in and there are plenty of posts on there detailing why it is very hard to divorce a lot of the time. It IS complex, however much some people like to say it isn’t.

@Faye1284 I’m not a cheat, but thank you for your judgement

@Faye1284

@SandyY2K exactly. So it doesn't excuse an affair then does it?

I don't believe it does excuse an affair. Its better to leave.

To say you're staying because they will commit suicide, is acting like you care. Making out that you who stays in some kind of matyr. Threatening suicide is just manipulation and I would be very resentful of it.

I'm not going to live this double life sneaking around. If your spouse has such severe MH issues, then assist them in getting support...they cannot only become suicidal because you're going to leave. Especially if children are involved....but to use this as an excuse to have an affair is just nonsense IMO.

I'm not they're might be other reasons people have affairs, but this isn't one of them.

Faye... I know you've experienced first hand the impact of infidelity, so it's real and I see why you feel very strongly about it. I get it.

I don't condone affairs, I've not been cheated on in marriage, neither have I cheated, but I've worked with people on all sides of infidelity in a professional capacity for a number of years and it's not always black and white.

I do however, think it takes a certain type of person to happily or even unhappily settle for the role of the single OW or OM, as there is such an imbalance in this set up. Despite the OWs professing how strong, independent and successful they are, deep down, they are everything but that in reality.

The married OW or OM is different and bringson further complexities.

When you hear individual stories from the people involved, it's very different.

Things happen
Complex

Things such as having sex with someone else then coming home having sex with your partner too doesn't 'just happen', it's your choice. Own it.

'Complex' could be applied to sneaking around, arranging timings and meets, lying to partner, lying to your kids, hiding away to send secret messages, using your mates/extended family members by claiming you're visiting them when you're not. But it's still done, and simplified as a means to the end that you want for yourself.

The lies cheats tell themselves AND their partner (who in most cases they've via selective omission not given a choice as to whether to put up with the affair for fear of being told to fuck off out of it) are what they are. Lies for your own convenience.

Bit of an eye-opener to read comment after comment calling people judgey, making excuses as if you can't be called out. Why can't you be?

Most people are a bit judgey in some respects no matter what the subject may be. I don't see why someone having an affair is supposed to be above that.

Affairs are nothing new and you're neither special or unique. Or above it all just because you're a woman. Im idly wondering if some have been on other relationships threads advising an upset wife to LTB for having an affair.

Where's OP dailymailreporter gone?

I’m not a cheat, but thank you for your judgement

Oh don't worry about it, Faye has made quite clear her absolute contempt not only for everyone who has an affair, but also everyone who disagrees with her.

@SandyY2K

To say you're staying because they will commit suicide, is acting like you care. Making out that you who stays in some kind of matyr. Threatening suicide is just manipulation and I would be very resentful of it.

I'm not going to live this double life sneaking around. If your spouse has such severe MH issues, then assist them in getting support...they cannot only become suicidal because you're going to leave. Especially if children are involved....but to use this as an excuse to have an affair is just nonsense IMO.

I agree with all this.

I have heard many individual stories of cheating and I'm yet to hear of one that I thought was acceptable. The stories on here are amongst the 'classic' excuses. I do have empathy for the OP that was a victim cohesive control but I still don't think the affair was the answer. It probably resulted in the husband getting more sympathy than he deserved. I also have empathy for the lady that cheated when depressed, I do believe mental health can impact on your decisions but I also have empathy for her husband and children.

I also respect those that made a mistake and own it without trying to excuse it but not for those that try and justify it with the most fickle excuses. Especially when the consequences of cheating are so severe.

@beeinmygarden not true. I accept that you and I are very different people who are both entitled to our opinions. You're just really annoyed that I won't go along with you 'affairs are sometimes justified' theory.