People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

I'd missed sammylady37's post, it's so astute and it represents so much what so many of the OW threads on Mumsnet largely degenerate into.

Thank you, :-) I am in a better place now,although I suspect that the guilt will always be.

@ beeinmygarden but it’s posters like Faye who emphasise that people like me are more to blame for what we did because there can never be any circumstance which makes it ok to cheat.

Its an interesting one because there is 2 sides to every affair. Honeys story is an example i can understand it happening in. I can also understand people being young and naieve or being infactuated. I dont really understand the reluctance to leave bad relationships and continue affairs lomg term tho.

As i said upthread its facetime texts and calls in our house. I dont like the automatic assumption that the innocent partner must be to blame for their partner straying. I give dp everythinf physically and emotionally im always there for him. Yet after a few drinks he will be facetim other women. He will claim boredom or needing somone to chat to. Knowing im in the house and available to talk about anything so im not sure where i am wrong.

I dont think the reasons for affairs are black and white but i do think prolonging them is black and white imoral.

Leaving hurts but so does feeling 2nd best and worthless in a situation you should feel loved and special.

RyanBergerasTeeth (I have to go and look those up to see what's remarkable about them?)

If your partner cheats, it's not about you or what you give him, or what you don't. It's absolutely about him and how he chooses to treat your relationship.

It doesn't matter what you do or don't do - it will never be enough and he will always cheat. He could/should end the relationship but, we can't compel people to do things they could/should do. We have agency over what we do though... every single time.

When you know what he's doing and allow him to keep doing that to you though, you give him the green light to treat you and your relationship like it doesn't matter. What do YOU want to do? You don't deserve to feel like second-best, not ever.

@HoneyBeeHappy don't put that on me. I never once that abuse is ok. I don't think you deserve what happened to you and I do think your husband is a vile human. I still wouldn't recommend and affair under those circumstances. It could have had terrible implications for you.

@JingsMahBucket who's bullying now? Just because I won't go along with your narrative that affairs are sometimes justified. People are entitled to their opinion. Many religious people share similar beliefs would you around calling them names?

Unfortunately I've never seen the Handmaid's tale.......however I also imagine that you would be first in line to jump in bed with a married man because you believed he wasn't having sex with his wife and that somehow justified it.

You're out of order, Faye1284

why would you stay in a sexless marriage though? If the marriage isn't serving you, leave

True. Except if you have a SAHP or low earning partner who is financially dependent on you, its not a nice prospect.

You'll be paying an awful lot of money and may end up in a little pokey place in divorce .
I see a few posts where women have a new BF move in so quickly ... he was previously staying in a shared house or back with mum and dad at 40 +, after divorce and the Ex stays in the house that he probably still pays for.

I’ve used lockdown as an opportunity to end a relationship I was having with a married man. It’s consumed years of my (single) life that I’ll never get back and believe me I feel horrendous about it.

@Faye1284 whatever you say, Serena Joy. :)

@RyanBergarasTeeth

Why do you accept this?

Yet after a few drinks he will be facetim other women. He will claim boredom or needing somone to chat to. Knowing im in the house and available to talk about anything so im not sure where i am wrong.

See...I'm the kind of person that, if I couldn't leave such a relationship, I'd just emotionally detach from a man who did that....and find an AP of my own....but I'd let my DP/DH know I wasn't interested in him anymore and after his repeated contacting other women....I'd be doing the same.

Those of you who have had an affair. Any of you think it was because of that one person? I’ve never cheated before and don’t think I would again. I think it was him that I wanted and my circumstances meant it happened repeatedly. I couldn’t even begin to contemplate the levels of deceit I’ve gone to with another person.

I’m not justifying it at all. Just could never see this happening again with someone else.

I love him is the simple answer why i stay although after last time i have told him he is not to phone other women after a drink. I have to accept him talking to his ex though which sucks but it is what it is. Dp had a very very bad childhood and probable adhd which means he is very emotionally complex.

So i wonder if sometimes emotionally damaged people are more prone to starting affairs.

Damnmeifyouwish, Yes, the same for me. It was Him.

RyanBergerasTeeth, He has zero respect for you. Your relationship is over from his side. From yours, you love him (the person you think he should be) and you're limping it along by yourself. When you realise the contempt he actually has for your and your relationship you'll kick yourself. Just know that when he finds somebody he does like better, he'll be off.

I think you're just as emotionally damaged if you put up with this but, it's your choice to do so.

Totally in love with mine too. More than a love that makes me wants to make him mine. Want to see him happy and healthy and just love spending time with him. That’s the reason it has gone on for over a decade on and off. We enjoy each other’s company. Wish we could keep it just as that. Hopefully this next phase will be different. We’ve both surprised ourselves by breaking lockdown. On the night it was announced we immediately messaged each other and just met and sat quietly together for ages in car listening to music with head on shoulder. Spoke volumes to me that did. Affairs aren’t always about sex. It’s affection.

@Damnmeifyouwish I'm with you x

Agree it's about affection and attention above and beyond sexual needs.

I love him but in a different way to how I've loved partners. He is older and a big part of it for me is having that father type figure who listens and cares and advises. And I'm sure a big part of it for him is a kind of distraction from real life responsibilities - someone who is attentive, keen and focused solely on him when we are together.

His other affair has been going on for a decade or so. I imagine ours will too unless circumstances massively change.
I've met the other AP, she's nice. I'm sure his wife must have an idea. I do feel bad at times, but if it wasn't me it'd be someone else. And it's working for me. His family is his responsibility not mine.

Seen mine every day. It’s not as simple as we’re breaking rules, I’ve got kids with him. They shouldn’t see their father because of this? In fact, he’s the one who’s been doing all the shopping for us. We have young children, so I can’t drag them out. His wife knows. But turns a blind eye to it as and when it suits her. Yes he could leave but she threatens him with their kids together, suicide, you name it, it’s threatened and no he’s not just telling me what I want to hear. I’ve seen all the text messages and WhatsApp messages with such threats. It’s not ideal for any of us but at least he gets to see all his kids, I can’t be responsible for his kids being taken off him. Am I happy with how things are? Of course not, but this is the situation and no before anyone says it, our kids weren’t planned, but they are loved beyond measure.

@RyanBergarasTeeth
That's very sad. As long as you accept it, he'll keep doing it. Alcohol is no excuse.

Love should be a 2 way street. You deserve respect from him too.

You cite his childhood as a possible reason, but do you not think there's something in your own childhood or other relationship experience, that leads to you accepting this behaviour?

I fully acknowledge that childhood experiences, impact on you as an adult...but if you don't respect yourself...it frequently leads to other people to disrespect you.

There's another forum I'm on and this woman's DH has been cheating on her for 10 years with the same woman (also married), but she stays.

I guess we're all different, because for those having affairs, you have many betrayed spouses willing to accept the affair.

People do what they can get away with...it's the same with abusive partners...they get away with it, with the vulnerable spouse they have.

@AllAboardSpidweman just curious - did you have the kids whilst you were having the affair? Does the wife know about the kids and your affair? Do the kids see eachother? So sad if they can't know eachother even though they're siblings.
He must be so stressed out living between two families I don't know how they do it!

@AllAboardSpidweman has he gone to a solicitor with these texts? Has he discussed having permanent residency of the children as his wife is unstable and dangerous?

Has he discussed having permanent residency of the children as his wife is unstable and dangerous?

🤣

Am I happy with how things are? Of course not, but this is the situation and no before anyone says it, our kids weren’t planned, but they are loved beyond measure

Yeah I bet they love living in that particular shit show.

but it’s posters like Faye who emphasise that people like me are more to blame for what we did because there can never be any circumstance which makes it ok to cheat @honeybeehappy

Well, posters like Faye are just wrong. Some people think all affairs are ok, some think they can be justified in certain circumstances, some think they are never right, some think monogamy is for repressed idiots. You know your circumstances. My view is that only people with very extreme ideological positions on affairs would judge you in your situation.

NotMyNigel you are spot on. Win win for the man.