People who are having an affair? How are you managing during lockdown

[Sosweetmylovelygirl]

Just that really ! Are you missing your lover? How are you managing not seeing them during lockdown? I’m curious.

And what if they leave because they’ve met someone else who they haven’t started a physical affair with but has made them realise they no longer love their spouse? Should they be penalised for that too?

And agree with PP.IF they don’t pull their weight,withhold affection,stay out every night,should they be penalised as well because it’s not sticking to the contract?

Last I heard people married each other because they loved each other,not because they wanted to enter into a business arrangement.

@Boredofbeingathome I personally think cheating is considerably worse than 'not pulling your weight around the house'. And I think this is exactly the problem, people trivialise the act of cheating itself and the consequences that follow. I think if people were penalised for it, less people were willing to partake in it then it would be viewed for what it really is.

@AlternativePerspective so you view a l k if sex emotional abuse (I don't necessarily disagree) but you don't view an affair as abuse. Interesting 🧐. See how the rules are re written to fit with people's narratives.

It will have to end after lockdown as neither of us want the complication.

So why not just end it now @hopefullyanonymous to avoid the complication getting any more complicated? Surely it's the best time to do so, you can cut contact and you aren't going to run into each other in the local shop or get tempted to nip over. What's the delay, I don't get it?

I don't necessarily believe that affairs should be illegal but I do believe you should be penalised more financially if you partake in one. That way maybe cheats would be more respectful and end the relationship before cheating. You're penalised if you break other contracts

You are really starting to sound like something from the 1850's. Do you think people should be sued for breaking off engagements too? Because you used to be able to sue for that as 'breach of contract'.

@Faye1284 I personally think cheating is considerably worse than 'not pulling your weight around the house'. And I think this is exactly the problem, people trivialise the act of cheating itself and the consequences that follow. I think if people were penalised for it, less people were willing to partake in it then it would be viewed for what it really is.

What about the other points you've ignored?
There are many abusive behaviours, not just cheating.
How would you financially penalise that?

@beeinmygarden

You do realise that in relationships where one partner leaves (not for an OW or OM) and the left behind partner is devastated the children may still feel like this?
I just get tired of how much dishonesty there is in this debate in MN.
The narrative is spread that affairs hurt children/ the spouse but 'just leaving' doesn't. This is clearly not true.

Yes, I accept that a parent leaving can be painful (it happened to me as a child too) but there is a difference. When children grow up, they're less likely to be accepting of a parent that left because they cheated than they will of a parent that was honest about not being happy in the relationship.

@Boredofbeingathome I did answer. Abuse is already illegal.

@Faye1284
Withholding affection is abuse but not illegal.
Gaslighting is abuse but not illegal.
How would you financially penalise that?

Do you have any evidence for that assertion Faye? And if you do, are you able to distinguish whether the children were damaged because the parent left for someone else (rather than just leaving), or were they damaged by the vitriol the left partner used to describe their former spouse?
For whatever reason someone leaves, the damage to children can be minimised or exaggerated by how the parents handle the aftermath.

I heard one description of how a boy was scared to grow into a man as he thought his mum would stop loving him. This was because his dad left his mum for another woman, and the mum talked to her son about how men were awful and hated them. The damage there was caused by the 'wronged woman', not by the leaving husband.

Faye1284 Fri 01-May-20 14:40:23
It's rightly illegal to abuse someone though and perpetrators of abuse should definitely be penalised.

You're straying into dangerous territory there or would be if illegality of abuse were defined. How would women who take back husbands who cheat (said abuser) manage to avoid that label themselves, having facilitate the continued abuse to their children? Would they then become defined as an abuser too?

I think some labels are unhealthy and dangerous as well as often being slapped onto behaviours and outcomes, wrongly. Critical thinking is a term oft used but not so often applied.

From my own experience, I would not take back a cheating husband. What would be the point? They'd have broken my trust and how would I ever be able to trust them again? I couldn't. That doesn't mean that we wouldn't be able to co-parent successfully or that he wouldn't be a good father just because our relationship had failed. We'd just establish a co-parenting one and both do our best to make it work in the interests of the children.

I think there are women who sadly make marriage 'all about them', husband and children are desirable (and necessary) accessories owned and directed by the woman. I've never said that before but reading threads here has often made me think it.

Great (although saddening) post beeinmygarden, absolutely agree.

@Faye1284

@Boredofbeingathome I personally think cheating is considerably worse than 'not pulling your weight around the house'. And I think this is exactly the problem, people trivialise the act of cheating itself and the consequences that follow. I think if people were penalised for it, less people were willing to partake in it then it would be viewed for what it really is.

Wow! Are you for real???

I’m genuinely shocked that someone could have this view in 2020!

I dunno OP but this thread has opened up a whole can of worms hasn't it?

Never had an affair, never (hopefully) been cheated on. Reading between the lines on here it seems to me that affairs are much less complicated than some try to make them out to be.

I guess where there's a will there's a way.

This is always a topic that draws such bile and vitriol from posters here. And as others have said, I suspect those posters are either women who have been cheated on and are lashing out or they are women who are terrified their ‘d’ h might have an affair and leave. Of course, it’s not up to other women to police and enforce their husband’s behaviour, it’s up to him not to cheat on his wife. Funny how the women get most of the blame though.

I remember seeing (on another forum) an AMA from an OW. she was abused on the thread, there were many vitriolic and hateful messages posted to her, she was asked the same questions repeatedly by people who clearly hadn’t bothered to RTFT but who had read the title and come in to spout their bile dressed up as a question. Having said all that, there were plenty people who asked very insightful questions, thought-provoking ones etc and did so in a civil manner. One of those civil people made a comment about a different AMA on the forum, one with a prostitute. And it turned out that the prostitute got much less anger and hatred than the mistress. People were curious about the logistics, safety, financial aspects, the funny stories, the fearful ones, the clientele etc etc. she received encouraging and supportive comments and was even told she should be proud of herself. She wasn’t called a home-wrecker, accused of wrecking lives etc. she was asked only once or twice about any guilty feelings. And once the difference was highlighted, the consensus was that many women fear deep down that their husbands might have an affair, whereas not as many fear they’d hire a prostitute, and the venomous reaction towards the mistress was as a result of that fear. They wouldn’t and won’t admit that though, their behaviour will be justified as having morals and ethics, and being so above that horrendous behaviour.

The lashing out and trying to belittle and hurt women who’ve admitted to affairs is so blatant and little short of pathetic, IMO. If you can’t make your argument without resorting to a snide dig then your argument isn’t that great in the first place.

I had an affair eight years ago. The affair actually ended before we divorced and I could have gone back but it gave me the courage to leave what had been an emotionally abusive relationship for years.

A marriage where my husband isolated me from friends and family, convinced me that he was all I needed in the world,put keyloggers and bugs in the house to find out who I was talking to. Gaslighted me when I went out because he tracked my phone and then would accuse me of seeing other men, told me in fact that I’d been seen with another man, I was,a friend of mine who he knew I was going to meet up with.

Turned off the boiler in the garage so I couldn’t have the heating on in the house while he was out at work. At my six week check he told me we would have to have sex beforehand so that I could report to them that sex was possible. I didn’t want to but when the baby went down for a nap it was understood we would be going upstairs and that was what was going to happen. So we did. I believed it was something I should want to do.

I started talking to someone online and we developed a connection. It was emotional for a long time because I never went out to meet anyone.But then I did.Just once and we slept together.

My husband found out pretty quickly because the guilt was too much but also I’d realised that I just couldn’t stay with him any more so I had become even more distant. I had previously tried to leave but it was always made clear to me not only by him but by family that I was wrong to want to leave and that you just have to work on unhappy marriages.

And whenever I brought up wanting to leave he would change just long enough for things to settle down and then things would gradually creep back to the way they were.

I will regret having an affair for the rest of my life. I never saw or spoke to the AP again and have no desire to do so.

I absolutely know that I was in the wrong and I didn’t need punishing,I did that to myself for years. I didn’t fight for a bigger settlement because I felt I didn’t deserve one.

Perhaps I should have been punished by law. Be held accountable for the damage done to my children.I don’t know.

I believe that what my ex did to me now is considered to be coercive control and is in fact legal now.

But in the eyes of many on here my crime was greater. Perhaps it was. Perhaps I brought all the control on myself.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

What are you talking about? I never said people's ability to co parent is effected if they cheat. What I said is in can effect how the children (especially older) can view that parent. I've myself have witnessed this more than once.

I stand by my statement that cheating on someone, gaslighting, lying etc etc is emotional abuse, in my opinion and they should be financially penalised for it. That's my opinion.

Please don't think that, HoneyBeeHappy, no woman deserves that treatment. I hope you're in a much better situation now.

Legal, *illegal

No, Faye, you said it was 'illegal'. You're presenting your opinion as fact.

@HoneyBeeHappy
Don't feel like that. You were the victim in that situation 100%
I hope you're in a much better place

As others have pointed out, there are many people who stay in unhappy marriages where the affection and intimacy has long gone. Divorce is very difficult and stressful, with the odd exception I would say that the majority of people involved in affairs are in unhappy marriages. I don’t buy the idea of the blissfully unaware wife who is devastated to find out her evil husband is cheating! That’s not usually the case. Relationship breakdowns tend to be gradual and there will always be signs of infidelity.

HoneyBeeHappy

You did nothing wrong. You are no man's possession. You're ex, like all misogynistic men, encouraged you to think that being 'unfaithful' was the worst thing a woman could do because he viewed you as his possession. You were treated the way you were by your husband because of his misogyny, and his emotional inadequacy. The blame you attach to yourself makes me feel you are still internalising that misogyny. I really hope you can get release from this and realise you did nothing wrong.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe definitely putting words into my mouth. I said it is already illegal to abuse someone. Is it not? Everyones view here is merely an opinion.