No compromise with DP anymore

[Dranktoomuchpepsi]

I am just so fed up.

I'm no longer working now at home, he's working from home.

Our suspected ASD toddler keeps waking up at 5.30 in the morning because he has dropped his nap and is in bed for 5.30/6.

This is getting some getting use to and I'm shattered. So so tired. I've asked him if he'll get up with DS and the answer is a continuous no, I'm the one working, blah blah blah. He won't talk to me about it says on repeat 'I'm not talking about this now'

When fully confronted, I then ask the same again and then say well, what about the weekends? You're not working then. Surely I could have a lay in on one morning then?

He says no, because I've been working all week he then says you don't work, all you do is get up with DS and clean. I'm the one working.

I have explained how tired I feel and he just isn't interested, looks drained from talking to me, etc. Earlier I layed on the sofa with a Blanket, DS was really irritating him (he is a pain, just touched everything he shouldn't 24/7). I said give me 15 minutes (of shut eye), and I'll take DS out for a walk. He wasn't happy with it, said why can't you just take him now.

2 minutes in and DS gets hold of some bubbles from somewhere and tips them all onto the floor. He snatches them up, throws them to the ground and then goes ans clears it up, shouts this wouldn't happen if you got off you're arse. I can't remember what else was said.

I'm just so fed up. Am I the one who's taking the piss or am I right and he's being a twat? Feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to get how tired I am.

I'd pack up and go back to your family. File for divorce

And he may well say he wants your DS regularly but I suspect the reality would be different - after all he could barely cope with him for a day whilst you were working.

ponchek you do realise you are asking OP to martyr herself? What exactly is the pay off? At what point does her husband step up?

I second what Fallon said, if you are close with your parents or any other family who might be able to take you in whilst you sort your next steps out, alternatively, have a look into where you would like to live and see what the councils/housing associations can do there.

I’m sorry if I came across as rude in any of my messages OP, I’m just horrified that any parent could speak the way and act the way your Husband has and his excuses for his behaviour remind me a lot of my own situation growing up as the ‘not normal’ child... it hurt, it still hurts, I don’t have much contact with most of my family now and it can be a bit lonely. So apologies if I was overly blunt. I do hope you find a way through this to the other (happier) side with your DS

Quentin I very specifically said either she separates right now or, if as she'd said she didn't want that, then she has to change how she's dealing with these variables in order to make life in lockdown more bearable.

She would NOT be marrying herself. She would be getting a grip fur the few weeks or months more, and then very likely separating.

But being angry with him and going to bed late isn't working.

Martyring not marrying!!

Sorry OP - not at all suggesting that. Just think you need to take full charge because DH is worse than useless.

And Quentin the point is he won't step up - and she can't force him.

Just telling him he's wrong hasn't worked.

He sounds horrible sorry OP!

In my experience it IS easier without an unhelpful husband. My ex was a lazy git. I eventually asked him to leave after 14 years of marriage and countless countless arguments about him pulling some weight around the house... not even his share, just something!

Now he has DD EOW and 1 night per week and I get to catch up. I do less shopping, less laundry, no making extra meals just for him. I don’t have to listen to him moan. I can pick what’s on TV. It’s wonderful and I wish I’d done it years ago. It helps that I don’t need his money so that wasn’t a concern but even so... good bloody riddance!

Consider getting him to move out.. you might be surprised at the sheer feeling of light relief!

I've been stressed all night. I think us separating is inevitable. But it also comes with a whole host of issues.

He would probably go and live with his mum... As for us, we couldn't realistically afford this rent. So, it would then mean temp accommodation for God knows how long. I remember being in temp accommodation and the thought of subjecting my own son to it makes my heart sink.

It'll also mean his family all turning against me and I will have no one in this depressing area. Even if I somehow managed to move back to my own family area, how would that logistically work? Husband doesn't drive. It's over 2 hours away by train. 1.5 hours by car. Does it mean I would be expected, by H and also by the courts maybe, to drive back and forth?

What if H does fight for having DS every weekend and sometime in the week. Or even 50/50? The thought of being without DS for such a long time makes me feel sick to the stomach.

For these reasons I can understand why women stay put for their DC. At least I know exactly what's going on that way.

H isn't stupid and if he wants to prove a point, he will. Even if he doesn't really want to go through with it, he will. To show he is in control of the situation. I can't see him just buggering off. I see him fighting for a. 50/50 and treating DS poorly in my absence because he's fed up of 'him'

Your husband sounds abusive to me. He’s extremely selfish, completely ignores your needs, stonewalls you when you try to discuss your needs, speaks in a voice of ‘absolute authority’ to shut you down and generally acts like the king of the castle. You are there to serve him, make him look good, take care of the home and generally make his life more convenient. Have you ever read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ There is a chapter in there about different types of abusive men, he sounds like the Demand Man with a bit of Mr Right. Here is the online version: www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf (sorry but I don’t know how to do a clicky link)

He is also being abusive to your DS and all because your son’s medical problems threaten his sense of masculinity. It’s hard having a child with additional needs and it puts a lot of stress on the family, but that is not an excuse for his conduct towards your son.

My stbexh was like this, note the stbexh!! Its selfish and they wont change. He doesn't respect you, once that's gone it's game over.

Go back to your Mum's so that you have support.

If your H wants to fight for 50/50 then let him - it will need to go to court. If he already cannot be bothered to look after his own child then the chances of him actually pursuing this are small. It's very easy to say he could be motivated by spite but if he can only afford to live with his Mum then he'll quickly realise that the court process isn't cheap.

Even on the off chance that it goes to court, you can show that you have always been the primary carer, provide examples of why you are concerned if your Ex has your son for significant chunks of time, and that it was necessary for you to move away because you needed support after leaving him because he was abusive.

OP, I think you need some concrete, practical information to help with your decision. Google "entitled to" and there are sites that help you to calculate what housing benefit, child benefit, (working) tax credits, and UC you might be entitled to as a single parent. That way, you would know if you might be able to afford the rent alone or not.

If you have a personal account, start putting more away in it. If there is a joint account, start syphoning off an extra £10 cashback on "shopping", £20 on "vitamins & stuff" to "bulk up DS".

Make yourself a list of all the reasons you are sad and frustrated to keep them focused in your mind, and to keep them clear if/when DH ever starts saying "I'm just looking out for him" or that he'll start doing more around the house (any help will be temporary to get back in your good books).

Try to find a solicitor in your area who will do a free 30 minutes so you know where you stand legally, and make sure that you "get your ducks in a row" so you know what you want to ask and what you're working with. Get copies of financial docs, joint account statements, pension statements, anything showing division of living expenses/childcare if relevant, stash DS's passport and birth certificate somewhere safe.

Having the information doesn't mean you have to jump, but it will make it easier to jump knowing that you have a little parachute.

I think the big giveaway was when you said that you don't mind the early mornings, but the fact that you're so frustrated that your partner and DS's parent, who could help, chooses not to help.

PS. Once you have made your decision, you might be surprised at how much your family is willing to help you relocate. You do not need to have this detail sorted anytime soon - you may rent for a bit while the dust settles, you may be happier where you are without your husband dragging your spirits down and treating you like a Victorian nanny/maid.

Also, moving 1.5-2 hours away by train (which you've not even decided to do) is not end of the world stuff. People who want to see their kids find ways around that, whether that is learning to drive or buying a rail pass, or maybe meeting halfway if you work out an amicable agreement.

Many posters will also point out from experience that a number of "I'll want 50/50" STBXH turn out to be EOW dads when they find out just how much work childcare is.

It all sounds horrible OP but what stands out for me is your DH being so unhappy about your sons size and constantly making comments. It’s something your son can’t change so spending his childhood growing up knowing he’s a disappointment and should be different will be really cruel and damaging.

Your DH unfortunately sounds as though he’s checked out of the relationship already and it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for either of you.

Just a thought. Is there any way you can keep your ds up a little later (I know you say he's dropped his nap) but distract him, play games, give him a bath until he eventually goes down at 7? Then he might not wake so early. I know how hard it is with early risers! My dd gets up at around 7.30 and the morning can still drag, when everyone else doesn't get up until 10!

Are you the poster from the AIBU forum who's son is completely non-verbal at 2 and a half? If I remember from that post, your husband is quite an unreasonable vegetarian who is adamant your son will never ever eat meat.

I’m a SAHM and my husband is out there working 6 days a week and he will still let me have a lie in a few times a week. He knows if I’m not rested I’m not myself and if I’m not happy damn well he won’t be happy. But trust me it took over a year to get here. He had the same mentality that he works so should do it all. So before lockdown it got to the point where I was close to done. If leave him and go to town, go for wAlks. A lot of the time when he’d come from work and eaten I’d go straight up to rest. And he felt it because he wanted to spend time together after work.

He quickly realised when I left him with baby that it actually wasn’t so easy and if he wanted to spend time with his wife after work he’d have to let me rest up in the morning sometimes . Now we have our own little routine.

But you have to be tough and he has to want it to work . You deserve better. I’ve been there. You can’t do this all your life.