No compromise with DP anymore

[Dranktoomuchpepsi]

I am just so fed up.

I'm no longer working now at home, he's working from home.

Our suspected ASD toddler keeps waking up at 5.30 in the morning because he has dropped his nap and is in bed for 5.30/6.

This is getting some getting use to and I'm shattered. So so tired. I've asked him if he'll get up with DS and the answer is a continuous no, I'm the one working, blah blah blah. He won't talk to me about it says on repeat 'I'm not talking about this now'

When fully confronted, I then ask the same again and then say well, what about the weekends? You're not working then. Surely I could have a lay in on one morning then?

He says no, because I've been working all week he then says you don't work, all you do is get up with DS and clean. I'm the one working.

I have explained how tired I feel and he just isn't interested, looks drained from talking to me, etc. Earlier I layed on the sofa with a Blanket, DS was really irritating him (he is a pain, just touched everything he shouldn't 24/7). I said give me 15 minutes (of shut eye), and I'll take DS out for a walk. He wasn't happy with it, said why can't you just take him now.

2 minutes in and DS gets hold of some bubbles from somewhere and tips them all onto the floor. He snatches them up, throws them to the ground and then goes ans clears it up, shouts this wouldn't happen if you got off you're arse. I can't remember what else was said.

I'm just so fed up. Am I the one who's taking the piss or am I right and he's being a twat? Feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to get how tired I am.

I agree with PPs, it's time to get out of this relationship. There's nothing but heartache ahead for you and DS. At least if you were parenting DS every day you wouldn't be expending energy on this sad excuse for a man. I I was you I would be starting to align my ducks and making plans

Honestly? As a mum of two sn ds myself i have seen it happen so often when the men "can't cope" and end up bailing out and i would start figuring out what you can afford and what you would be entitled if you were to split.

You as dc's mum of course never get a choice and it's always assumed you will cope because you have to and you will. But it will be easier when you don't have to try to negotiate everything with your husband.

Around the food issue. My asd son around the same age would only eat pizza so we gave him pizza with a few little bits of something else and he would eat the pizza and leave the extra bits until one day he might try one and if he liked it we got something else to add to his diet. He is now taller than me and closing in fast on his dad at 13 he does also now eat a wider range of things but is still very limited.
Try a multivitamin if you can get him to take one.

It’s totally unreasonable for him not to get up with him at least once on the weekend.

When I haven’t been working but had babies/toddlers we have split things more equally than that because toddlers are work until/unless you have some childcare.

I think you need to think about leaving him.
And meanwhile no sex, no cooking, no washing and cleaning, no nothing.
I couldn't stay with a man who was so blatantly disrespectful of me.
He just doesn't give a shit.

Your DH sounds like an absolute cunt, please leave him, he's verbally abusive towards his own young son and treats you like a skivvy.

I'm currently on mat leave and DH is wfh. We've had to have a discussion yesterday (albeit after I threw my teddies out the pram). I do all night and during office hours. Our little one is only 11 weeks and has just started waking at 6 with an earlier bath, sometimes will settle back, sometimes won't. On the basis that I do the night shift I've asked him to do 6-8, even if it means an early night, so I can have some quiet even if I don't go back to sleep. I've also taken myself off this evening for an early soak in the bath with a g&t. We'll see how it goes but having worked full time that's definitely easier! For financial reasons he'll be having 10 weeks shared leave soon and I'm hoping it's an eye opener.
I'd second bringing your son into the bed or at least the room once he's woken. If nothing else your 'D'H will also be disturbed.

Your husband is a bully, pure and simple. He bullys you and is bullying his son because he thinks he is The Big Man. In his eyes are the one who should see to your childs every need, that is not a mans job!

I also think he cannot accept your son has development issues and is probably ( unnecessarily)embarrassed about this, he's a horrible twat and things will only get worse as you son get older and as you say, becomes wiser to his fathers disgraceful words towards him. I would get out now before he does emotional damage to you little boy.

Make sure blackout blinds are in place in DS room, he might be getting up with the daylight, and yes then gradually work his body-clock up to 7pm.
A 5.30 bedtime is absolving your partner of having to do any parental responsibility after his work, not on, he doesn't get to switch off in the evening if he's not doing the mornings. If you do leave him, it might help in future for you to have a later wake-up time.
Sadly, and fundamentally, he seems to be disaccociating himself from his son, he's using general terms and insulting descriptions, rather than his actual sons name, talking about him in the 3rd person, he's not accepting and dealing with him having ASD and also being his child. The worry is that if you split, you may find he's only too happy to let you have total responsibility and not care about what access he gets - basically because he's coming across as that kind of twat.

You've had some shitty comments.

You're also being treated like shit by your husband, he doesn't sound like much of a father.
Outrageous he's not giving you a free night at the weekend and taking the weight of parenting.
Which as most people with half a brain know is a full time job.

I agree with what other posters say. Try moving your dc bed time back by 15 mins a day until you get to 7 pm ish. Can you talk to your health visitor for more advise? Your 'd'h doesn't sound very nice. I can't believe the degorary way he is taking to and about his own child. That's going to be great for him in the long term, as will shouting at him. OP he sounds like an awful dad. He believes he's entitled to sleep and you aren't as you don't work, really!! He clearly does not see how hard being a parent is (as he isn't acting like one), or value you and what you are doing to raise your child. Did you give up work to become a SAHM? I feel angry on your behalf that your dh sounds like a bully and idiot.

DH insists that small boys/men are bullied and he doesn't want his son like that. But he bullies him as a response? Sounds like a shaky excuse to me OP and not only is he bullying your son verbally, but with food as well... there are a lot of things wrong here. I don’t often encouraging to LTB - but in your shoes OP, to protect my DS from what could be a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse, I would be making plans.

He can’t just ‘bulk’ your son up and magically make him grow like a beanstalk, that he thinks this is possible makes your Husband sound a little unhinged.

I agree with @Anydreamwilldo12 actually. You need to have a long hard think about things.

You life will become infinitely easier when you only have to look after yourself and your dc. It's soul destroying to have someone live with you who won't lift a finger to help.

Your husband is bullying him now.

OP, I'm five foot nothing. But female. I went to school with a guy that was shorter than me. I met him a lot later in life, and he was now around six foot.

Being short, can be a challenge for a person. Perhaps (almost certainly) for a male. But being berated for being short never made a person grow taller. Being mocked for being short, never made it less likely that they would be bullied for it.

Your son needs the help and support of his parents.

News flash for your husband - your child's height is not a reflection on him, or about him, and he needs to love and support his child unconditionally.

I had a neighbour who got the news that her daughter had been born with acondroplaysia (sp), she was a little person. She was less than 4 foot. Because of the amazing support of her parents (okay, her mother, but at least her father wasn't a negative influence), she was also a paralympian potential, and is studying biogenetics post-med.

Height doesn't necessarily equate to success, or strength.

Even if you can tolerate this lack of respect you can't stand by and watch him bully your son who may not grow tall if you had short men in your family.
You can also expect him not to accept any future diagnosis.
You need to prepare to leave even if you never do it will give you choice.
You say DP so not married?House rented or his/yours/joint.
You say you work in healthcare so no shortage of jobs for you to go back to,why aren't you working at the moment.Whatever plans you make I don't think you can rely on this man to do 50:50 child care.
I'm sorry OP as this is harder because you are so tired.
My DD did the waking at 5.30 regardless of bedtime(she could nap nearer bedtime,still go to bed and sleep though)Even parties where excitement kept her up late she would still wake up at first sparrow fart.The plus side is that even as a teen I have never had to get her up for school.
I think though that you need to go before this really impacts on your son too.

Well your husband seems to be doing his best to
ensure your son will get bullied by starting off on it and hammering at his self-esteem before the poor child has even had a chance to properly develop it.

Seriously I would go to bed a lot earlier than your H.

Yes try shifting your DS routine by 10-15 minutes an evening. Is his room blacked out to stop the sun waking him?

Yes longer term I don't think it's going to work because your H doesn't support you

When your son wakes get yourself dressed and get your keys ready. Put ds on the bed with your partner. Shout ‘see you later.’
And leave the house. And don’t come back for an hour even if you just walk for a while.
And tell

Personally I wouldn’t drop his nap. My DD still napped at 3 yrs old. Then he can go to bed a bit later and get up later. Then you can sleep until say 7am. I would not get up at 5.30. No wonder you are tired.

I don’t think your DP is helping though. It seems he thinks your DS is solely your responsibility rather than working together as a team. I would just not get up on a weekend day & tell him you are having a lie in!

I guess you have some decisions to make about your relationship if he won’t discuss a compromise.

OP - this reply is in two parts. I also have a child who is small for his age and refused food for a long time. He also regressed a bit with speech and development when he was 12-18 months. He's now almost 5 and is slowly catching up. He has no formal diagnosis.

From what you've said, your husband is a bully. Of you and of your son. Aside from his selfishness about childcare and sleep, his attitude toward your son (short of patience, name calling) is enough for you to be fully justified in leaving him. I'm not sure I'd want him near my son at all if he did this.

And I think you're right, you'll feel better about sleep if you're not with a man who refuses to pull his weight with his own child.

Thank you for the replies the support is fantastic at a time where I don't want to tell my own family, at least yet. They're very protective of me and DS.

I don't know how I'd leave, if I wanted to. I haven't got the cash behind me. I am married to him. But we don't own the house. And I know he'd want DS regularly. He's even said so a few times before in passing, when he's read things and become disgusted that such and such a woman he's read about has got the DC all the time and the dad only got every other weekend.

This sounds selfish too but I'd be so isolated. I have no family here. They live 1.5 hours away. I moved here to DH's hometown when I married him.

So it looks like emergency accommodation /B&B with DS. I won't get housed here according to the local council website.

I remember living in temp accommodation with my mum (before she met my amazing step dad). It was very very grim and I just keep thinking poor DS

Right, first things first:

This is all so intense, and your DH can cope much less/worse than usual because you're all on top of each other. This won't be the case forever, but it's creating a lot of tension now. Particularly because DH isn't getting his usual space/time out.

A lot of men are not great with smaller kids. Especially the first time round. They tend to want to order the kid around, criticise and make damn sure he's going to grow up how they want. And they really slope out of the boring routine care stuff.

But when the child is bigger and easier and they get more back, they start to like having a kid more.

It strikes me your DH is one of these, and also just deeply angry and worried and disappointed that his son is small and seems to be very sensitive and may have SN. Your DH cannot cope with this. He actually needs some serious support. So he can behave in an acceptable way around your son and you. Because you're right. He can't be allowed to talk about and to your son like this.

For now, I think your only option apart from leaving is to do something different, because the current way you're all behaving isn't working. Your DH seems no more capable than his little boy of behaving differently, so in all practicality, it's up to you.

I would:

Set your totally justified resentment, dismay, hurt and exhaustion to one side for now. (A big ask, I know, but the pay off is worth it.)

Decide that your strategy now is to ask nothing of your DH apart from, eg, taking your son for a walk in the pushchair for half an hour or so on Sat and Sun. Tell your DH you've had a think and yes, it's all been too much pressure, and you just need him to agree to that. (Tbh he should do Sat or Sun morning routine, but not if he's going to be mean to your son).

Then you have effectively taken over. It's agreed. It's your decision. And you know you're only doing this for now, for the good of you all. You're being the grown up.

So now you expect zero from DH except the two walks. So you stop feeling angry when you don't get anything. Because now you've ordered him not to do anything. That feels different.

Now: you can make the day with your son a whole lot easier too. My advice would be:

Go through the whole house - any area where your son is - and pack away or put in a closed room anything at all in reach that could cause trouble if he got it. No bubbles in reach. No nothing. (This is something we all have to do periodically, as they grow - we have to adapt the house to their new skills.)

Next, seriously read up on how to tempt fussy eaters. Try a new thing each day or couple of days. Find more of a range of food. And don't worry if you can't. But there must be and will be some things.

And pace yourself. If DS is asleep at 7, go to bed yourself at 8.30/9. Pamper yourself. Nice bath. Good series. Whatever you like. Ignore DH. Have chamomile tea and go to sleep by 10. Then 5.30/6 won't feel like you've lost out.

Pace yourself. Make your son your job. Nail this. You do it. DH, at the moment, is incapable.

Just make life bearable. Better.

And then when you go back to work and DH goes back to work, ease up your own lockdown regime and see if DH can do more.

Right now you need to make life better for yourself. And be there for your son. Withold judgement on DH. Tbh I'm only saying that as he clearly can't cope. But if he gets support and is still so awful, then I'm afraid I'd be ushering him right out the door. And don't be afraid to do that. Ultimately it sounds to me like that will probably be best. Not least because the verbal abuse will be so damaging for your boy and you can't allow it. Your son is utterly precious and nobody gets to talk to him like that, or think about him like that.

But right now, I'd say defuse the situation and take the pressure off.

Your DH is a nasty bully to his own DC. He isn't behaving like a loving partner to you either and doesn't seem to care how exhausted you are. Once lockdown is lifted I think you need to take your DS and go and stay with friends and/or family for a few days and really reflect on your relationship.

On a different note has your DS consultant checked him out for growth hormone deficiency? We were palmed off when my DS was small and shoe size hadnt changed for 2 yrs when he was 3. Clothes just got old as he didnt outgrow them . He didnt eat much as he wasnt growing. When we finally saw an endocronoligist he initially said 'two tall parents, small DC its just genetics'. Anyway after tests and an MRI he was found to have an abnormality in the pituitary and started daily growth hormone injections and is on thyroxine. He is now 13 and after dropping to the 2nd centile is now on the 91st. It is worth pushing for tests to at least rule it out as hormones are so important for a DC development

Ah i posted on the food thread OP I remember you, I hope you are doing ok.

I'm going to give you some advice OP and you can listen or not but I do hope you find something in what I say helpful.

Firstly- having a child with ASD can feel incredibly lonely and isolating at the best of times and right now that is x1000, but there are support groups out there and many run online so ask your health visitor/pediatrician for some sign posting.

Being the parent of an ASD child is bloody exhausting and challenging, especially during toddlerhood and if your DH won't share the load then you need to ask yourself if being a single parent would be easier. His current lack of help and support is not the norm, nor can it be excused because he works- my DH works a job with very long demanding hours often time away from home but we would always divvy up weekend lie ins and share chores etc.

Your husband is showing you who he is, and I've seen many couples like your situation and the men never change they don't suddenly wake up and start behaving like good dad's and husband's, and when they eventually split up the mum always wonders why she didn't do it sooner.

Your husband does not sound kind, he does not sound respectful or thoughtful, or loving which is what you deserve in a partner and your DS deserves to have in his home.