No compromise with DP anymore

[Dranktoomuchpepsi]

I am just so fed up.

I'm no longer working now at home, he's working from home.

Our suspected ASD toddler keeps waking up at 5.30 in the morning because he has dropped his nap and is in bed for 5.30/6.

This is getting some getting use to and I'm shattered. So so tired. I've asked him if he'll get up with DS and the answer is a continuous no, I'm the one working, blah blah blah. He won't talk to me about it says on repeat 'I'm not talking about this now'

When fully confronted, I then ask the same again and then say well, what about the weekends? You're not working then. Surely I could have a lay in on one morning then?

He says no, because I've been working all week he then says you don't work, all you do is get up with DS and clean. I'm the one working.

I have explained how tired I feel and he just isn't interested, looks drained from talking to me, etc. Earlier I layed on the sofa with a Blanket, DS was really irritating him (he is a pain, just touched everything he shouldn't 24/7). I said give me 15 minutes (of shut eye), and I'll take DS out for a walk. He wasn't happy with it, said why can't you just take him now.

2 minutes in and DS gets hold of some bubbles from somewhere and tips them all onto the floor. He snatches them up, throws them to the ground and then goes ans clears it up, shouts this wouldn't happen if you got off you're arse. I can't remember what else was said.

I'm just so fed up. Am I the one who's taking the piss or am I right and he's being a twat? Feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to get how tired I am.

Working from home is still working, so DH can't be expected to parent at the same time

What do you think 2 working parents do?

OP, either what you are doing is work, or it's just relaxing and doing nothing. If your not-so-dear H thinks looking after your son is nothing, then he should not have any issues taking over every now and then.

I don’t see how his son being short now/potentially later in life is any reason for his father to judge him negatively though.

The potential diagnosis is a hard thing to process, just because you can’t know at this age what that will mean in the long run, my DH buried his head in the sand a bit when I first voiced my concern for our son. His parents joined in with ‘convincing’ me DS can’t possibly be autistic because of XYZ. I was surprised that they all seemed to fear that ASD was a real possibility for both twins because of their very premature birth and low birth weight.

I had to frame the scenario to my DH that the reason I was pushing for assessment was because professionals have a much clearer idea on how to help our DS, should he need it, that denying the assessment would be denying DS the chance to have early intervention which could mean a much better life ahead for him depending on the nature of his diagnosis. That was it, he understood then that I wasn’t rushing for a diagnosis to give myself an excuse for DS being behind - but because it was DS’ best chance. Since then he’s been fully supportive and actively involved.

Has your DH ever reasonably explained why he reacts in such a horrible manner? Is it the ‘grief’ of his son not being the child he had imagined? If you think your relationship with your husband is salvageable he could probably benefit from counselling if you think this is the case... but he sounds like a bully and an arse from what you’re writing here I’m afraid.

I’m sure you’re concerned about your DS too, but would you ever dream of saying any of things your Husband has to him/about him? I’m guessing not.

A millstone is a heavy burden, dragging you down OP. In this case your husband.

"A millstone round your neck."

(Its literally a big, flat, round stone with a hole in the middle of it that was used in mills to grind grain. In the Bible, it was hung round the neck to punish by drowning.)

Hi op sorry if I come across rather personnel but what was your husband like before your son had suspected asd? Do you think that he's having a hard time coming to terms with it ? Xxx

"If what you do isn't work he won't have a problem taking over at the weekend, will he?"

This. What you're doing is work. That's what your partner needs to understand. It just so happens that the work is unsalaried. But it is no less work for that. And it's a damn sight more intense than most jobs also - no wonder you're exhausted. He needs to start stepping up and sharing the load. I see no reason why he can't do that in the mornings and evenings and at weekends, if he's based at home.

It's funny: I've been a full time working mum for more or less the whole time; it never occurred to me that I could opt out of the morning, evening or weekend routines when I was physically around just because I had an office job. Really pisses me off how some men try that on. I know many don't - and my DH never did - but it does seem to be a male thing.

Also I think your husband is being a right dick not helping you more. I work about 14-15 hours a day 7 days a week sometimes longer and I still run the house all cleaning all washing brining you my daughter . Cooking looking after my partner . He works long hours too . If we had a young child together and I was tired I don't even have to think would he help me because he would. I honestly think it boils down to the fact that your husband can't bind with him maybe ? I'm just going by what your saying about his size and your husband not liking it . Xxx

DS has had suspected ASD for over a year. We have known something wasn't quite right for a long while. I personally first noticed when DS started regressing just before a year old. He could say a few words and then nothing, just stopped. Then it just became clearer and clearer as the months went on

DH isn't in denial. He knows something isn't right and is the first person to moan 'he's' not normal '. Or' he's being a little weirdo' (said in jest but I don't like it anyway). Granted he hasn't said that for a while. But a frustrated 'why can't you do anything normally' comes out a lot

I am a very calm and non confrontational person. So why won't he talk to me, just sit down and talk? I won't get angry, I promise. So why is it he just won't, and if pushed says I don't want to talk right now, etc etc?

It sounds like DH isn't interested in parenting at all. He sees it as your job, which is frankly not acceptable. DS has two parents, not just one.

Does he see childcare as work?
If yes - you're working just as much as him (more!) during the week. So of course you should share chores at weekend.
If no - then it's no bother to look after DS at weekends, is it?

isn't it funny how I could never just walk out without DS hmm he says well that's just the way it is

Why? Seriously, ask him why. Is it because he has a penis?

What you do about all of this, is hard. Honestly, I couldn't be with someone who values my time much lower than he values his own. It sounds as if he's already checked out of the family.

But again it goes in cycles recently. DH will get really pissy with something DS does. Then go into one of his little 'moods'. Then all will seem to be forgiven with a sort of air about him that says 'That boy, tut tut' tongue in cheek sort of thing.

Then DS does the next really worrying or aggrivating thing and we're back to his mood again. This has all started up since lockdown. Didn't happen much before lockdown but has happened a handful of times before

Some ASD conditions can be hereditary, I wonder if your husband is somewhere on the spectrum?
He certainly needs to stop using such derogatory and abusive language toward your son, who will need supportive parents who are on his side.

Sam I don't think so. DH doesn't seem to display any tell tell signs. He's just quite selfish, it's his bed trait

I don’t know your husband so I can’t speak to why he won’t have a calm conversation about any concerns he may have - I would suggest depression as a possible cause for some of it, but depression doesn’t automatically mean being a dick to those you’re supposed to love. But I can say through experience, when a person wants out of a situation they will generally shut down and become impossible to appease.

It’s not your job to manage your Husbands feelings or reactions, that’s on him to manage as an adult and a parent.

I also wonder if your DS senses his fathers disdain and possibly acts out even more because of it. Even though he’s only 2.5yo it’s very clear to us that our DS has empathy and can sense tension/upset - he’s always trying to soothe his sister if she’s crying, comes for lots of cuddles when he senses I’m having a bit of a low mood day (even though I try my best to mask it from the DC) - so even if your Husband thinks it’s a joke to refer to him as ‘not normal’ a ‘little weirdo’ that will bear out eventually in how your DS matures and how he views himself.

What would you advise someone else in this situation OP? Do that. Your partner sounds like a absolute arse and a bad father for what it's worth.

I'm worried that if you don't leave him he is going to end up being emotionally abusive towards your son. He needs to sort himself out, but I think he needs to go away and do that. Your first obligation is to your baby

Sounds like your dh has checked out of the relationship.
He doesn’t sound like he’ll be able to parent a SN child at this stage in his life.
Doesn’t really sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you either.

Are you the same poster who was asking about diet the other day? I swear size came up about jockeys being grandfathers?

FWIW just because he is working doesn't mean he isn't a parent. Both DH and I are working FT and looking after our DS (15 months) and if we had that attitude he would be ignored!

I don't work on Tuesdays (AL) and although I take on most work this is only between 9-5. Outside of that we are both responsible for DS.

I recognised the name too, the 'is this enough food for a 2 year old?' thread and weetbix for dinner?

OP I think it sounds like he still needs his daytime nap. If he can't make it to 7/7:30 then a nap is needed.

You're husband sounds awful

My concern is that one day soon DS will realise what he's saying and then think less of himself because his dad has made him that way. The thought infuriates me. But if I bring it up, I'm the unreasonable one.

DH insists that small boys/men are bullied and he doesn't want his son like that. He just can't get passed him being small yet, and I don't know if he ever will.

He isn't an equal parent in my book, not really...but one thing he has become militant about is ensuring DS is 'bulked up'. And as you know, becomes extremely annoyed if DS isn't eating enough

Yes I'm the poster from the other day asking about 2 year old diets.

DH has been putting together all sorts since and absolutely fuming because DS is rejecting these meals.

Its just a phase in my mind, lots of kids go through it and I'm not worried yet about the eating. But DH is almost obsessed with it

You seem to have a number of issues going on here but i only have advice for one; If DS will tolerate it bring him into bed with you both in the mornings at the weekend. You probably won't get much sleep but he won't either and he might get your point about sharing lie ins.

I had to have this out it my DP while I was on mat leave when he wanted to keep his Saturday morning gym session and his Sunday morning lie in. The baby in bed with us technique worked. Make sure you sandwich child in the middle of the pair of you so he shares the kicking dished out by a wiggly child. You might get lucky and he gets an unexpexted knock to the balls

We have a day each at the weekend now.

Your dh sounds like a dick tbh. I understand he's concerned about having a sn child and he's probably struggling to come to terms with it, some people simply struggle with it.

However that doesn't stop him being supportive towards you. He should be helping and giving you time to yourself.

Tbh I'm not sure I could live with someone who had no regard for my happiness or wellbeing. Next time he says 'just leave then' take him up on his offer.

Is there someone you could go and stay with that could help? Are your parents able to put you up and maybe help with your dc?

Take him for a long walk about 11 am and then he hopefully have a lunchtime nap , then put him to bed a bit later , if that doesn’t work go to be earlier .

bed

I'm going to sound so hypocritical for saying this but I hand in heart feel like this would be a whole lot easier without him.

I adore my DS and I'm obviously the one to be at every appointment with him, take him to do all the fun things etc. But what I struggle with isn't really the early start but the early start, 7 days a week, whilst someone is there who could help but won't.

TIME.TO.GO!!!! he treats you so badly, when all you're trying to do is give your son the best chance in life, surely as his other parent he would want exactly the same thing?

I worry that he will treat your son exactly bas he's treating you when he is old enough to understand and it will damage him