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Original poster

No compromise with DP anymore

118 replies

Dranktoomuchpepsi · 28/04/2020 14:59

I am just so fed up.

I'm no longer working now at home, he's working from home.

Our suspected ASD toddler keeps waking up at 5.30 in the morning because he has dropped his nap and is in bed for 5.30/6.

This is getting some getting use to and I'm shattered. So so tired. I've asked him if he'll get up with DS and the answer is a continuous no, I'm the one working, blah blah blah. He won't talk to me about it Sad says on repeat 'I'm not talking about this now'

When fully confronted, I then ask the same again and then say well, what about the weekends? You're not working then. Surely I could have a lay in on one morning then?

He says no, because I've been working all week Envy he then says you don't work, all you do is get up with DS and clean. I'm the one working.

I have explained how tired I feel and he just isn't interested, looks drained from talking to me, etc. Earlier I layed on the sofa with a Blanket, DS was really irritating him (he is a pain, just touched everything he shouldn't 24/7). I said give me 15 minutes (of shut eye), and I'll take DS out for a walk. He wasn't happy with it, said why can't you just take him now.

2 minutes in and DS gets hold of some bubbles from somewhere and tips them all onto the floor. He snatches them up, throws them to the ground and then goes ans clears it up, shouts this wouldn't happen if you got off you're arse. I can't remember what else was said.

I'm just so fed up. Am I the one who's taking the piss or am I right and he's being a twat? Feel so hurt that he doesn't seem to get how tired I am.

OP posts:
KubaLeebre · 28/04/2020 15:30

I'm really sorry but he sounds like he's checked out. I never say LTB but it looks like that's what he wants.

KubaLeebre · 28/04/2020 15:31

You don't jump from 5:30 to 7 in one go. Move bedtime back by 10 mins each night

2catsandatoddler · 28/04/2020 15:32

It sounds like he has a complete lack of respect for what you contribute to the household. Does he not realise you being a SAHM is to facilitate him being able to work? I presume both of you decided to have children? And that it was both of your decisions for you to stay at home? And if he finds what you do so easy, then surely he wouldn't mind giving you a lie in one day out of seven. Hmm

wheresthehope · 28/04/2020 15:33

Does this man have any redeeming qualities?

GoofyLuce · 28/04/2020 15:36

He isn't going to change so you either stay and live with it or leave as soon as you can.

Surely you could at least get DS to wait until 6.30 for bed. It will be hard going for a while during the 'danger nap' time of day because your going to have to keep him awake but it will mean and your extra in bed for you all in the morning.
My toddler has just dropped his nap and I just make sure I'm keeping a close eye on him between 3-5 So he doesn't have a danger nap.

notalwaysalondoner · 28/04/2020 15:37

Can’t you shift his bedtime back slowly though? So not trying to move it to 1930 all at once, but maybe 15 minutes a night? It might take a week or two of disruption but it will be worth it - there is no sense in him going to bed at 1730 if he wakes up at 0530 and you’re not ready.

On the other hand, if he’s sleeping 12 hours there is no reason for you to be tired - why can’t you go to bed at 2130 or so? It’s not unusual for people get up at 0530 for work.

Your DH is a whole other issue. Sounds like he’s checked out of being a parent and using the fact you aren’t working as an excuse. At a minimum you should be getting one lie in on the weekend. Can you try and insist Sunday is “his” day with DS and he’s in charge of wake up, naps, food, activities etc. Pretty hard for him to flat out refuse to care for his son 1 day out of 7 (but expect he’ll try).

Weallhavevalidopinions · 28/04/2020 15:39

He goes to bed really early and sleeps for 12 hours which is really good..... can you gradually put him to bed later and later in small changes - 10 minutes later each night so he gradually wakes up 10 minutes later so you move to 7 pm bed and 7 am wake up? Still 12 hours sleep (excellent by the way) but more inline with what you do?

A short nap in the middle of the day? Then less at night?

A really clear routine with set times for meals, play, walk, reading/tv and same for bath. I found that a very predictable routine with the same times each day worked for my children with additional needs.

Go to bed earlier - if partner asks why/comments say it's because you are exhausted caring for child/home without help - unrelenting and difficult for you.

Arrange a time that he thinks he could sit down and actually chat about worries and how things are going. None confrontational, how you feel, non judgemental. Explain that long term you cannot cope with this and would lead to break up of relationship.... see what his views are

moonfacebaby · 28/04/2020 15:42

Your DH sounds like a selfish arse. I can’t believe he lies in bed until 10am and then gets both lie ins at the weekend too. And his tantrums with your son.

I’m not sure that men like him are capable of changing because fundamentally, he appears to think he comes first.

My2centsare · 28/04/2020 15:46

YANBU. I am in the depths of sleep deprivation with my DS and I know how hard it is. You need to fight for your sleep on the weekends. If he won't get the kid in the morning, you either : leave Him to scream so that both of you don't get a lie in ( a bit harsh on poor DS) or you make life a living hell for you DP. This means do not talk to him , give him cold shoulder, let him feel your resentment and hatred. If this doesn't wake him up in the slightest then eventually LTB. You can't make someone do something , you can only change the way YOU act. Use that power.

Original poster
Dranktoomuchpepsi · 28/04/2020 15:48

Thank you for the suggestions. He used to have DS on a Saturday because I worked PT. My hours were usually around 9 to 3. However, it's a healthcare setting so I sometimes finished early. Sometimes late. Pretty much every Saturday he will be texting to seen 'any chance you know when you'll be finished, he's driving me mad'

OP posts:
sergeilavrov · 28/04/2020 15:49

I’m the main breadwinner in our family. My DH has primarily worked from home for years, but I still take as big a share of the parenting as possible. Not 50%, because I work away in often remote locations and I’m simply not there enough. I could just come home and sweep up the good bits. But I don’t do that, I come and be present for them, for my husband, because I love them and this is my family. Providing money doesn’t make you a parent. If he wanted to be an active parent, he would be.

Book yourself a weekend away when this is all over. He can learn to stand on his own two feet the hard way. You deserve a partner, not a sponsor. I’m sorry he’s so selfish.

TwilightPeace · 28/04/2020 15:59

He’s a parent too! Sounds like you’re his skivvy, just there to make life easier for him.
There’s no partnership, just him being selfish and not caring about your feelings.

I couldn’t live with someone like him.

TwilightPeace · 28/04/2020 15:59

Would your life be any harder if he wasn’t there? Or would it be easier?

There’s your answer.

NaviSprite · 28/04/2020 16:00

Yeah he’s checked out completely and it’s not okay to use sitting on his arse answering a few phone calls and emails as an excuse for not doing his share of the parenting.

My Dtwins are also small for their age, DS is suspected ASD also and it’s looking likely DD will have to be assessed alongside him when things return to normal. They have completely differing presentations. It’s tiring, difficult and scary when you just don’t know if there’s a diagnosis there or not, is what DC is doing a part of autism or part of being a toddler.

Does your Husband ever speak of anything positive in relation to your DS? Despite the issue of sleep (which is completely unfair to you by the way, my DH is working from home and he goes and sorts our twins in the morning if I’m still asleep as he knows my sleep is wrecked at the moment. Then he’ll make me a coffee and entertain them for a bit whilst I wake up properly secluded in our kitchen) it sounds like he doesn’t want to be a father full stop? If that’s the case I wouldn’t be able to come back from it, for the sake of the child.

For now I’d say you need to consider that being a single mum is in your future if he can’t pull his head out of his arse and get involved. So I’d go with what validopinions said, get yourself to bed earlier if you can, put what contingencies you can into place and disengage from ‘D’H for a while until you can have a conversation with him about his complete lack of respect for what you do. But word it carefully, as best you can remain neutral and go for a fact based approach with your mutual involvement with raising your child. From the sound of it, the minute he hears any perceived criticism he loses his rag/goes on the defensive? So try to remove his chances of using your tone as a scapegoat to the conversation. Sorry you have been having such a shit time OP Sad Flowers

BackseatCookers · 28/04/2020 16:05

DH has been fuming, made him something last night anf DS refused. He shouted I give up! Open your mouth! Then shouted fine, but when you grow up to be 5 foot, I won't be here to see it happen'

This is fucking disgusting. He's a complete cunt OP.

FrogOfFrogHall · 28/04/2020 16:06

Wow! Yanbu. Your dp sounds selfish. My dh has been furloughed and I definitely think I've got the easy job going to work while he is cooped up with bored children. When I come home I try and take the brunt of the childcare so he can have a bit of space / opportunity to do something constructive. You should share lie ins. No reason dp can't get up at 5.30 half of the time and whoever is having a lie in can stay in bed til 7/8 ish.

Original poster
Dranktoomuchpepsi · 28/04/2020 16:11

He's very concerned for DS's future. I don't think he can stand to have an additional needs child if that's what happens, it looks like it'd weighing him down. But the main thing is DS's size. He is a beautiful boy but very small. DH is 6 foot 3 and he's often said 'I can't have a son who's 5 foot'. His size bothers DH, a lot. It comes into conversation more than once a day.

DS is under a consultant led team but hasn't seen anyone whilst COVID is happening. They're running some tests but think it may well judt be genetic. Both my grandads were jockies, one was 5 foot 1!

OP posts:
DysonFury · 28/04/2020 16:19

Can't you get a playpen for DS?

Original poster
Dranktoomuchpepsi · 28/04/2020 16:23

Dyson that sort of thing doesn't work for DS. He gets extremely upset

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 28/04/2020 16:26

Vitamin supplements? To be fair he sounds like he is deficient if he is falling asleep so early

And ditch the millstone he is only dragging you down

Original poster
Dranktoomuchpepsi · 28/04/2020 16:30

slippery Deficient in what? He does take a multi vitamin thankfully. He's only been sleeping by half 5 or 6 for a week or so. Before this it was nap at 12 and awake until 9pm

Also what is a millstone Blush

OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 28/04/2020 16:32

If you leave him, I'd be very concerned about his temper even your son is on his own with him. I really feel for you but I don't think he sounds safe to have your son alone.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 28/04/2020 16:33

And some posters have been awful. You have all my sympathy, he absolutely should be pulling his weight but it's clear that he won't.

LimpidPools · 28/04/2020 16:33

Well, he sounds like a man's man. Big strapping lads and the little woman at home.

He's going to do a number on your son when he can't measure up. And it wouldn't matter if he grew up to be 6 foot 6, top of his class and captain of the football team, he still wouldn't measure up, because this is all about your husband's insecurities. The man is a bully.
And he's treating you absolutely horribly. Of course he should take care of your son so you can rest a little. Of course he shouldn't be the only one ever to have a lie in. Of course he should respect and support you. But he won't, because he doesn't want to.

ErickBroch · 28/04/2020 16:36

He's a prick, I think you should leave him. I am WFH and I know for a fact it's a lot easier than looking after a toddler from 5:30am till they go to bed. There is no excuse for him being so rude, he full well knows he could help but he just doesn't want to. Him telling you to just leave him says it all.

I honestly think LTB - then he can have his child and parent fully on his own with shared custody even though he has 'worked all week.