He’s messaging someone isn’t he

[Loveabitofrain]

So I’ve had issues with my partner in the past re messaging woman. In all honesty I’ve never trusted him since. Yeah I know why am I still with him. Very good question.

Big row last week where I explain how it’s all made me feel and I don’t trust him, conversation ended with him understanding and promising to help more with that.

We had a few drinks tonight and I went to bed an hour or so before him. He comes up and his phone goes twice (text). Snoring his head off. I looked at his phone to see who messages are from. Something doesn’t feel right. Bear in mind it’s 3am. His phone says “2 iMessages from JoJo”.

I’ve woken him to find out and got the usual abuse. Won’t show me and claims he’s talking to a woman off twitter about all the lockdown business. She gave him her number. He’s been very active debating on Twitter (I can see it all).

It’s bullshit right ladies?! This is typical gaslighting isn’t it??

I’ve just been on his Instagram and there is a woman there calling herself Jojo. Old school friend. Bit too much of a coincidence huh?!

@granadagirl this is typical of him. He’s gone to see his kids which is the norm. Still hungover. Let’s see what happens when the alcohol has worn off.

He’s blocked on everything.

Is the house yours OP? Does he understand he’s not coming back.
You’ve done the right thing 💐

@littlewing80 I recently sold my house and am renting. Fully in my name.

His ex wife is deluded enough to take him back. Crack on!!

Stay strong OP now is the hard part. Keep the anger!

I was fuming when I found out my bf was contacting another women! Mumsnet was great support but once all his stuff was packed and he was out the anger settled and I started to doubt myself, I stupidly ended up forgiving him. Now I think he’s at it again except now I’m pregnant so massive f*up on my part! Run and don’t look back whilst you still can and take the anger with you.

@marshmellowdreams you’re right. I’m so angry. He walked out with me in floods knowing my kids were home. Didn’t even try and make sure I was ok. That on its own tells me what I need it to.

It’s been a toxic relationship for a long time. I’m trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Too many things just aren’t right and I know I’m worth more!!

Like you say I need to maintain the anger.

I hope things work out for you x

I wonder if she would take him back instantly...or he's just tried to make you think that over the years. If he slagged her off one minute and yet sang her praises/compared you unfavorably to her the next you might want to check out 'narcissistic triangulation'.

Wouldn't be surprised if he tries to work his way back in at some point! Probably by calling her crazy and saying he only ever loved you or some such shit xD or the other angle, telling you you'll never do better than him (ha.hahaha.hahahaha yeh right!).

OP, well done.

If you feel yourself weakening, think of your poor children with so much drama going on around them.

This is so damaging for them.

Stop disturbing yourself darling, i was able to catch my partner red-handed after his phone was hacked, he couldn't deny anything with enough evidence in my possession...
we have been separated for 2 years, Now he wants back desperately..

@shirleey it’s always the way isn’t it?! They cock it up, royally, then realise what they’ve lost!!

I’ve had texts and just maintained my anger. What is nice is that I haven’t had the urge to text him at all. Now realise it’s pointless!!x

Well done on doing the right thing with such strength. He didn’t sound like he fought much to stay together, just tried to blame you. Keep your strength and hold your head up. You’ll look back on this as a relief.

@Honeyroar told him I didn’t love him and he needed to go.

I think that sealed it for him!

That said I was upset. I think he was too full of self pity.

At the end of the day if he was innocent he'd be willing to prove it to you by showing you his phone messages so you could see it was nothing.

Him becoming angry and defensive is a red flag to him lying as he feels cornered.

You've done the right thing.

Stay strong, I went back twice and each time he shat on me again. Once you realise these men are mentally and emotionally limited with no hope of progression the decision become clear and final. I had therapy as my ex was very abusive but in the end it was my decision and mine alone to be free of his toxic madness.
Every time you feel like shit repeat to yourself ‘I am a good person, I’ve done nothing wrong, he is a moron’ xx

Sorry, bullshit. I would absolutely ask to see he messages!

@Bugged

Well done you👏👏...words to live by👍

It feels tricky right now because you have allowed someone to treat you as less than, and he's not even sorry.
Some people are not very nice!
Its not you. Its them!

In a few days weeks and months you will feel fucking fantastic, because YOU CHOSE YOU. Well done.

Your future self will thank you for it.
Wherever this was going, it was not pleasant.
When the going gets tough and all that.

@Buggedandconfused wise words. Thank you.

I’ve watched to some very good YouTube videos on narcissists today. One was spot on.

Still feel shit and tearful but no urge to contact him.

Must remain strong!!

I know I’m a decent person and I def need to find me. If anyone has any good distraction techniques or coping mechanisms I’d be grateful.

I’m determined to stay strong this time x x x x

@Onacleardayyoucansee thanks I had a little cry because you are so right x x x

Exercise really helped me and kept me positive. But initially I treated myself as if I was poorly, wrapped up all cosy, made hot water bottles, comforting food, a nice bath. Allow yourself to heal. Reach out to your friends too. Reading was my go-to especially self help books but always had a good fiction book to hand too. Don’t be hard on yourself, take things a day at a time but think of yourself as a warrior or superhero who will win the fight to weaken 💪 It does get better faster than you think!
I online window shopped a lot too and bought the odd treat to cheer myself up. Looked at makeup tutorials on YouTube, always had the radio or a podcast on so the house wasn’t quiet.
Above all, just be kind to yourself x

You're doing really well OP, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. Distraction/coping wise I agree with Bugged, you need to cosy yourself up the next few days and recover a bit from what's happened. After that, if you're up to it, maybe a bit of a furniture/decorative rearranging, make the place feel like yours again? It will only feel this crappy for a little while, if you can just grit your teeth and get through it you'll be saving yourself from wasting anymore time on someone you can't trust

I’ve had texts and just maintained my anger. What is nice is that I haven’t had the urge to text him at all. Now realise it’s pointless

Block him completely on everything then. It's a really good feeling. Take back control.

Thanks everyone once again! I’ll try those techniques x

Blocking him on every platform is the best way to maintain control and the longer you hold out the stronger you will become.

Amazing effort OP, no longer will you have that knot in your stomach trying to second guess what BS he’s up to.

Welcome to the rest of your happier life ahead

Sorry to hear this- but run for the hills. Some men are v needy and love chatting to ‘friends’ esp late at night . Had a similar experience & told no one- speak to someone you know well & they will prob tell u that its not ok. When i finally told my friends (mutual) they were disguised as my DH always portrayed himself as the doting hubby- well he wasnt when he was messaging women in the middle of the night & telling me that i was the paranoid one.
Why is this such a common theme? Im reading this so much recently. 💐

@Munskin typical gaslighting behaviour!! Sad and I think these people are addicts and beyond help,