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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do DP's resent SAHMs? DH has just called me lazy...

38 replies

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:00

I asked him to lift a case of dogfood, because it's too heavy for me (bad back) and he said "You sit on your arse all day doing puzzles, and swanning about". It was 9pm and I hadn't sat down since I got in from Tescos at 4pm & had a cup of tea (and a sudoku). (BTW you will notice that he realises I can multi-task at laziness) Anyway I feel deeply pissed-off at being called lazy. I work part-time, but if the house is a mess he complains, in other words, if I did work full-time he wouldn't like it. I feel completely fed-up and feel like going and getting a 'proper' job and putting on a skirt and earning some proper money, insteadof always being here for him and dch. Thoughts please.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 15/09/2007 22:04

tell him to sod off.... got to bed with a glass of wine and a good book.

puffylovett · 15/09/2007 22:05

tell him to bogoff and go on strike.

agree they think we do nothing. my dp secretly thinks i should be working, i just know he does. and my lo is 6 mths and i want to be a sahm and i daren;t broach the subject for this EXACT reason ! i know he thinks i do nothing all day !

(well ok i don't do that much but that's beside te point, i've only got 1 and you've got more obviously)

some friends did a job swap once. she ran the tree surgery business, he stayed at hone with the 2 yr old.

they never did it again and he says thank you all the time....

mumsville · 15/09/2007 22:07

Possibly

my dh wouldn't dare call me lazy but has no idea what it is to be sahm. I;ve just started a p/t job and he now looks after ds one day a week - when I get home the place is a wreck - so what do I do - roll up my sleeves and get cleaning! If he gets home to me and ds and find place a tip - he moans.

Yep, I reckon some men think that we have it easy. And sorry looking after a kid 1 day a week is nothing like what we do, eh!

You just tell him like it is!

CrookshanksinJimmyChoos · 15/09/2007 22:11

Oh God this is soooooo familiar!!!

They just do not get how hard work it is for us at home all day with a child and how everything takes twice as long to do as you have to watch them like a hawk and keep stopping what you are doing as they are screeching or wanting attention.

When DH does look after DS for ooh at least half a day, there is food all batch cooked and ready in the freezer for him to heat for DS's lunch, the house is reasonably tidy and they can just sit and watch them. We have to tidy, hoover, do the washing, cook the evening meal and all this while ballet dancing around the kids and going arse over tip over their toys!!!

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:14

Thank you. I feel so angry. I wanted to watch the X factor but can't bear to be with him. I spend all my farking time picking up after them.

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SittingBull · 15/09/2007 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

yama · 15/09/2007 22:16

I work full time and my dp does loads (probably more than me).

A the moment though, he is working 12 hour shifts for a one month secondment. I AM SHATTERED.

I am having difficulty working out whether I should be miffed that I'm being left to do it all or grateful that he usually does so much.

Sorry to hi-jack your thread but what do you think?

littleducks · 15/09/2007 22:18

the resentment stems from ignorance though, the only way he will learn what you do is if he has to do it!

dh doesnt have a clue how often floor is washed etc.

fransmom · 15/09/2007 22:20

i don't know yama sorry

as for dps and sahms, when i was on mat leave, dd wasn't very old (d'oh obv fm!) well, anyway. she wasn't very old and i was barely past the stage of getting out of my dressing gown before 12 midday if at all and he complained. big mistake. when i had the chance i let him look after her all day. he soon learned.

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:22

Actually, things are a lot easier now that the dch are 13, but I still want to be here after sch (and DH wants me to as well)and I stillhave to get up at 7.15 etc. As to the cooking thing, he is VERY critical, I have to put in alot of effort for not much appreciation, but the little sods are turning out to be critical too, whereas my mother can't cook for toffee and I got used to crap meals so I think they should be grateful.

I took the dch out for the day in the hols & got stuck in traffic on the way back. Was horrendous, so DH said he'd cook. It was pasta, overcooked to the point of mush. Just pasta. But I was so grateful that I didn't have to cook because I was so tired, and I told him so. Pig. There's no way he'd accept overcookd pasta from me.

OP posts:

fransmom · 15/09/2007 22:22

i don't think he even knows where the window cleaner is, he hasn't doen them once since we moved in - i have to do them. good job we on ground floor. i did them once whne i was pg, on mat leave, and was bad for 2 days. he was sure on guilt thing then

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:26

Sorry I'm ranting. Mine has suggested job swap, I work while he stays at home, but I would't earn nearly as much as he does. I think part of the prob is he doesn't feel valued at work. well I don't feel valued either! I'm bored stiff sometimes, I do the sudokus to keep me bloody sane. And come on here too. Thank God for MN!

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Dior · 15/09/2007 22:35

Message withdrawn

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:43

It's funny, when I was working full time (BC) and when the dch were at playgroup, I used to do a lot of creative, artyfarty stuff, because I had 'time off' to do it in. Now, I haven' done anything like that for years. It's because I feel I'm always working. Either paid (hours vary each week) or the stuff associated with the home. So Iever allow myself time to do the artyfarty stuff. The only time I ever felt like that BC was for 6weeks after we moved to a different area and I was unemployed. So, DH thinks I just swan about sitting on my butt all day, but I feel there's always a chore that needs doing so I can't take time off.

OP posts:

Dior · 15/09/2007 22:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:46

If I try to explain this to him, he glazes over. I refer back to title: he resents me being at home, wishes it was him, so he could fiddle withg the car or whatever. Nothing would get done.

OP posts:

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 22:49

Thanks Dior,perhaps that's what I need to do. If I did set a period each day/week for craft I might be a bit happier. It comes down to allowing yourself time off, as you say you feel always on duty, that's it!

OP posts:

Dior · 15/09/2007 22:59

Message withdrawn

fransmom · 15/09/2007 23:09

i'd second what dior has said - you do need time off from doing housework, you are not a maid sweetheart, much less a drudge.

Original poster

plainsailing · 15/09/2007 23:11

Am with you there girl! Thanks for cheering me up, everyone. Off to bed now. Will start a project tomorrow! (He has gone up to bed. I'm not sure if I'm speaking to him. I suppose I'd better) Night night.

OP posts:

FREAKshow · 15/09/2007 23:11

I've not read the posts, just the title, so apologies if I'm repeating, but DECK HIM, then get him to look after the kids and house for a few days all by himself to see who he thinks has the tougher time! I'm livid on your behalf.

controlfreaky2 · 15/09/2007 23:22

greetings fellow freak

CoolYerBoots · 15/09/2007 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harrisey · 15/09/2007 23:42

My dh always says that he might go out and the money gets paid to him, but we earn it equally (on generous days, that I earn it much more than he does) and he genuinely does appreciate what effort I put in when I am at home.

Mind you , if he stayed at home the children would watch a heck of a lot more telly, but the house would also bea heck of a lot cleaner and tidier than it is with me at home (still peeling white glue off me from yesterday!!!)

thegardener · 16/09/2007 19:03

Let him look after your kids for a few hours and then he may appreciate how difficult things can be

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