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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hand hold needed after huge fight with DH

97 replies

MrsSwears2Much · 25/04/2020 03:50

My husband blew up after an extremely petty disagreement tonight.
He asked me to make another drink (alcoholic) and I playfully pointed out that I was pretty sure it was his turn as I had made them all evening.

His whole demeanour changed and the nasty look that crossed his face made my stomach contract. He shouted. Called me a liar.
And for the record I wasn't lying.
The fact is though, that he was having a beer -sometimes 2- with every Cubra Libre I made (3). And in the short space of an hour had knocked over 4 drinks (the kids, mine and his own beer). So I really did think he was too drunk by this point anyway.

I don't like confrontation at all, so took myself upstairs. And the kids followed me. They were unhappy with his raised voice.
So now "I have turned the kids against him. I need to get out of his life. He hates me. Blah blah blah."
He followed me in and out of our bedroom 4 times. Screaming abuse. I stayed calm. Didn't engage. He wouldn't allow me to talk when I tried anyway. Would just shout and swear over me.

He was starting to really scare our youngest (5yo DS) and our eldest (10yo DS) came into the room asking if I was okay. So I tried to block the door to protect them from the aggression.

This was a bad idea as their father flung the door open (I was holding it closed, asking him to please go back downstairs) and literally flung me across the room onto the bed beside the kids, by his arm on my neck. He picked up a full water bottle from my vanity unit to throw at me, but threw it at the window instead. He then made comments saying I was looking dramatic and trying to get sympathy.

After his 8th go of screaming at me how horrible I am he finally fell asleep downstairs.
But the kids were crying and wanting me to take them to my mum and dads house. Saying that dad is too angry tonight and it's scary.

This is not the first drunken fight, but it's the first time he has lay his hands on me. I'm just so lost. I love him sober. He is a totally different man without alcohol.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 25/04/2020 03:57

He sounds like an alcoholic. I would take him at his word and get out of his life - with the kids in tow. Perhaps go to your parents as an interim measure.

You can leave the house to get away from an abuser, and that is what he is. Your children witnessing his violence should be the last straw.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 25/04/2020 03:58

Leave for your DC sake.

That was not something they (or you) should ever have to go through again.

MarthasGinYard · 25/04/2020 04:00

'But the kids were crying and wanting me to take them to my mum and dads house. Saying that dad is too angry tonight and it's scary.'

That's exactly where I'd be taking them if he won't leave.

TKAAHUARTG · 25/04/2020 04:02

I grew up with this. It was horrible.

Starlightstarbright1 · 25/04/2020 04:06

Report this to the police. You need to get out it is fine to do this in lockdown. Report to the police- it will help protect them at a later date.

Wagsandclaws · 25/04/2020 04:07

Shit :-( I'm so sorry.

He has more than crossed the line now and your children have corroborated that.

In the morning he will either be extremely sorry or blame you and continue the anger.

He either gives up alcohol NOW or he moves out. You need to stick to that otherwise it WILL happen again.

Sorry OP :-( and your ooor children, times are scary enough atm for them without their daddy adding to this.

HappyintheHills · 25/04/2020 04:08

Please do as your children ask

Candyfloss99 · 25/04/2020 04:32

Yea you need to be on your children's side and get away from him.

TheSkyWasDark · 25/04/2020 04:36

Just the fact that he was so drunk he knocked four drinks over would have me questioning his suitability as a father and husband.

Your children being scared...that's another level. My father was like this when he drank and it still sticks in my mind as an adult. It was horrible as a child to know your parent couldn't control themselves.

TheSkyWasDark · 25/04/2020 04:37

And of course him throwing you. That's "get the fuck out" territory right there.

mathanxiety · 25/04/2020 04:51

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SnowsInWater · 25/04/2020 05:21

Call the police. If this is the first time he got physical it won’t be the last. Make it clear NOW that if he ever lays a hand on you again you will walk, if he has to talk to the police he might realise you mean it. Please don’t ignore it.

wheresthehope · 25/04/2020 05:25

Is it even a question? Call the police and if your not going to leave for yourself atleast leave for your children

thelocalwoolieshasnotp · 25/04/2020 05:33

Christ call the police. He is a violent dangerous man and your children are terrified.

thelocalwoolieshasnotp · 25/04/2020 05:34

Don't make it clear if he ever does it again you will walk. Walk THIS time. The first time is one time too many. Do not continue a relationship with this man!

TwistyHair · 25/04/2020 05:44

That’s not an argument, that’s him being abusive. You need to go to your parents. Being drunk is not an excuse. If I knew that I acted like that when I drank, I would never drink again.

MissHoskins · 25/04/2020 05:44

@mathanxiety
Why are you blaming the op. That's a very nasty attitude from you. You should be ashamed of your self.
@MrsSwears2Much,
You can leave, even in this lockdown situation, just take your children and go. It's not safe for you at home anymore. If he starts again phone the police.

theBelgranoSisters · 25/04/2020 05:44

Like PP i too grew up with this..it was terrifying and i used to wet myself in fear every time an violent argument started. Ive never told a soul about this but the first time my childhood sweetheart who id been living with for 4 years shoved me around i felt totally conflicted as he was drunk,we'd been arguing and i figured i was equally to blame. It was over a period of about 2 years that these arguments became more frequent, the violence increased and when it finally culminated in a black eye&burnt thigh(being held on a night storage heater)and i listened to myself (incredulously)lying about how it happened to everyone at work that i thought id finally become my mum& felt sick at the reality of how it had happened to me-i couldnt understand it&knew could never bring kids into the same environment id been raised in so i left though i really just wanted to stay and not upend my entire life,home-townand friendship circle my self-esteem just said"enough".I really hope you find the strength to leave through your children. Take care x.

JazzyTheDog · 25/04/2020 05:46

Call the police. There’s no excuse for that OP and you know it. It doesnt matter if you love him and he’s a saint when he doesn’t drink. If you stay in that situation you are putting your own needs and wants in front of your children’s best interests and they will grow up just like him and you, as that’s the relationship you’re showing them. Don’t be that person who screws up her own children because she loves being in a fucked up relationship more than her own kids. Call the police now.

turnandfacethenamechange · 25/04/2020 05:48

He either gives up alcohol NOW or he moves out

I'd kick him the fuck out even of he does sober up. Plenty of people have been all flavours of shitfaced in their life never needed to assault anyone totally out the blue.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 25/04/2020 05:55

I agree with PP. you need to get the police involved. He attacked you, verbally then physically. You and your children deserve better than this. He is an abuser. He will turn on your children. Call the police and let them deal with him. He should also move out. Bastard.

timeisnotaline · 25/04/2020 05:59

Go to your mum and dads with the kids and please call the police from there, your parents can look after the kids in another room.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2020 06:00

Please call the police. I know you’re upset and confused. We are here with you. Flowers

AgentJohnson · 25/04/2020 06:07

Your kids must have been petrified. This is not fair on them and you know it.

Your 10 year by asking to go to your parents made the best call out of the two adults involved.

He needs to leave and the only way you can do that is by calling the Police, you can not prioritise your kids if you’re enabling and protecting him.

You are not in control of his behaviour but you can and must limit your kids exposure to his aggression.

smeerf · 25/04/2020 06:10

OP this was my childhood. It escalated. I wish my mum could have left the first time.

History repeats itself and I sought solace in the arms of terrible men until my mid 20s. I don't blame my lovely mum at all but I often wonder what my life would have been like without him in it, shaping my self worth and teaching me this is what relationships look like, this is what love looks like, this is what men are.

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