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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hand hold needed after huge fight with DH

97 replies

MrsSwears2Much · 25/04/2020 03:50

My husband blew up after an extremely petty disagreement tonight.
He asked me to make another drink (alcoholic) and I playfully pointed out that I was pretty sure it was his turn as I had made them all evening.

His whole demeanour changed and the nasty look that crossed his face made my stomach contract. He shouted. Called me a liar.
And for the record I wasn't lying.
The fact is though, that he was having a beer -sometimes 2- with every Cubra Libre I made (3). And in the short space of an hour had knocked over 4 drinks (the kids, mine and his own beer). So I really did think he was too drunk by this point anyway.

I don't like confrontation at all, so took myself upstairs. And the kids followed me. They were unhappy with his raised voice.
So now "I have turned the kids against him. I need to get out of his life. He hates me. Blah blah blah."
He followed me in and out of our bedroom 4 times. Screaming abuse. I stayed calm. Didn't engage. He wouldn't allow me to talk when I tried anyway. Would just shout and swear over me.

He was starting to really scare our youngest (5yo DS) and our eldest (10yo DS) came into the room asking if I was okay. So I tried to block the door to protect them from the aggression.

This was a bad idea as their father flung the door open (I was holding it closed, asking him to please go back downstairs) and literally flung me across the room onto the bed beside the kids, by his arm on my neck. He picked up a full water bottle from my vanity unit to throw at me, but threw it at the window instead. He then made comments saying I was looking dramatic and trying to get sympathy.

After his 8th go of screaming at me how horrible I am he finally fell asleep downstairs.
But the kids were crying and wanting me to take them to my mum and dads house. Saying that dad is too angry tonight and it's scary.

This is not the first drunken fight, but it's the first time he has lay his hands on me. I'm just so lost. I love him sober. He is a totally different man without alcohol.

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 25/04/2020 06:21

Call the police, they'll probably arrest him and put him in cells for a few hours which will buy you time to pack and go to parents house.

NerrSnerr · 25/04/2020 06:27

You need to get out today. You cannot risk your children experiencing that again- they must have been terrified.

MarginalGain · 25/04/2020 06:41

Hand-hold.

Get out today.

Good luck.

BuddleiaTime · 25/04/2020 06:43

One of you needs to leave.

bulliedintonamechange · 25/04/2020 06:46

I'm so sorry, you need to leave him

PussyWillowPeach · 25/04/2020 06:46

OP you NEED to leave or have him leave. What the children have witnessed tonight is emotional harm and they have every right to feel safe in their own home. The way your partner treated you was completely unacceptable - drunk or otherwise. I hope you’re ok as can be, please don’t make excuses for him in the morning, get your ducks in a row and make him leave.

I know there is a lot of stigma with Children’s Social Care but if you get in touch with them, they’ll be able to put you in touch with an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate), these people are a fantastic support and will be fully on your side to give you advice etc as to what to do next.

Mummyoftwo91 · 25/04/2020 06:47

He's picked drinking over your children, now it's time for you to pick them over him

Buyitinbamboo · 25/04/2020 06:48

Please leave. Don't let your sons think this is an acceptable way to treat a woman

Ohohohwhereyougoing · 25/04/2020 06:49

Oh this brought back awful memories.

I remember her telling me dad was having a bad day and it would never ever happen again.

It did. Worse and worse and worse.

You know that this side exists to him now. There can be no going back. Please, PLEASE. Get out.

ScarfLadysBag · 25/04/2020 06:53

You need to get rid of this man. No one should be so drunk in front of their children they are violent, knocking things over, unable to regulate their emotions. Those poor kids. Let this be the last time it happens. In the interim, do not have alcohol in the house. Get rid of it all.

Friendsofmine · 25/04/2020 06:54

I don't know the history OP but as you say he is argumentative when he drinks I assume you've asked him to stop drinking many times over the years but felt forced to make him drinks and watch with bated breath...therefore I see it as he has had plenty of chances to get a grip before it got physical and now it is too late.

Time to end it I'm afraid.

Patch23042 · 25/04/2020 06:56

Your children will never forget what happened last night. In years to come, do you want them to recall it as a turning point where you put their well-being first and kept them and you safe? Or do you want them to recall it as one of many nights during their childhood ruined by this grim piss head? Be strong OP. It won’t be easy but you can handle it I’m sure. The first step is to get them out of danger and to your parents’ house ASAP, as you ten yo suggested.

AlwaysCheddar · 25/04/2020 06:56

Kick him out today. No excuses.

mummmy2017 · 25/04/2020 07:01

MrsSwears2Much
How are you today?
Did you get any sleep last night?

Gobbycop · 25/04/2020 07:05

Complete asshole.

You're children shouldn't be exposed to this and neither should you.

Plenty of guys can have a few beers and not bash their partner around.

stoptherideiwanttogetoff · 25/04/2020 07:14

This is awful for I read, I hope you and the children are out of there and safe x

SunshineCake · 25/04/2020 07:28

Please don't be another mum who chooses her man and herself over her kids. Let me tell you a child never gets over that. Your child is ten, in primary school and made the right call. I hope you listened.

VettiyaIruken · 25/04/2020 07:35

Please put your children first.
This is no childhood.
Begging you to help them, by leaving. Saying dad is "too angry" says it all. They are used to a certain level of anger from him when he's drunk.
You have a choice. They don't. They are powerless.
You also matter. This is not acceptable. A line has been crossed that can't be uncrossed

fallout5 · 25/04/2020 07:36

Speaking as an adult in my 30s whose father is an alcoholic (but the loveliest man sober) and has been behaving in a similar fashion since my early childhood, stand up for yourself and your children now. My mum is still minimising his behaviour, my sister and I have been talking about past events, terrible nights subject to his drunken madness and trying to figure out why nothing was ever done. A few months ago he threatened to kill my sister in a terrifying evening of him at his worst, my sister has cut him out, my mum immediately forgave him and is beyond upset my sister has "torn the family apart".

Please, be no tolerance on his behaviour, please choose your children, don't let them grow up with this asshole end evening them.

fallout5 · 25/04/2020 07:37

*endangering

Deathraystare · 25/04/2020 07:50

I feel really sorry for any woman or man going through this at the moment.

I do not have an abusive partner but live in a flat with a paranoid, very very angry misogynistic little Napoleon. No fucking way would I put up with an abusive partner, but the rest of us in the flat have to tread on eggshells with this individual. He bellows and slams doors. I work in psychiatry and can take this at work but when you get it at home too! Obvs cannot move right now because of CV but also the rent is just about affordable.

A few days ago I tried the handle of the loo door and he was in there. He shouted get out (I wasn't in there obvs). He then ranted and raved in the kitchen that we are spying on him! He doesn't like us appearing in the kitchen when he is there. Fair enough. But our loo does not have an engaged sign so how could I know he was there? I did try to listen at the door and heard nothing. Normally you can hear him make a 'nest' out of toilet paper!

I am not trying to say I am suffering the same as you. He has not become violent (yet), but if he tries I will deffo get the police involved. Most of our warden staff are on CV lockdown. I know one of my flat mates was offered another room but has not heard back yet. (she works long shifts at a hospital and his favourite thing is bellowing and slamming doors at 2.45 am to say people are spying on him in the kitchen) so she has had to let a few shifts go just so she could get some sleep. Three of us are working still (NHS), he is not.

It pisses me off that I am having to put up with his behaviour and he is not even a partner!

Deathraystare · 25/04/2020 07:51

I hope you and your children do go to your parents. You absolutely can do so as your partner is abusive. And do get the police involved.

He may well try to pretend he is sorry until the next time. He has shown you what he is capable of.

HugeAckmansWife · 25/04/2020 07:54

To be clear in case of doubt, in these circumstances you CAN go to your parents, or any other place to remove yourself from violence. Ideally he would go, but either way, you need to not be in the same house. I have no personal experience of this but have read enough to know that. Best case scenario, he's massively shocked himself, he'll get help and demonstrate over a period of months that he's changed and you can maybe get past it but you can't do that whilst living together. As pp have said you have to keep your kids emotionally safe.

copycopypaste · 25/04/2020 07:57

You should take your kids advice and go to you Mum's

Bluntness100 · 25/04/2020 07:59

I don’t really understand op, if you know he gets like this when drunk and it’s not the first time, why were you sitting drinking in the house like this and making him drinks?

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