I apologise for my previous rash post and I hope the following will flesh out and clarify my thoughts here. I believe we are all on the same page here, with shared insights into what is going on in the OP's home and what needs to change.
www.verywellmind.com/enabling-its-not-blaming-the-family-67226
Enabling: It's Not Blaming the Family article here.
"Many Times Family Members Sincerely Think They Are Helping"
Article ^
www.verywellmind.com/why-is-alcoholism-called-a-family-disease-63294
The Partner As the Enabler article here ^.
As the alcoholic behavior escalates and becomes routine in your own home, the last thing that would occur to you is to get help. You've been slowly drawn into the thinking that you should protect the alcoholic because you care. You cover for him, lie for him and hide the truth. You keep secrets, no matter how bad the chaos has become.
There is a very well-recognised and tragically predictable sequence of events here.
On the topic of enabling and all that goes with it - I think this summary is an important one to include:
Enabling vs Helping an Alcoholic
Many times while trying to help, friends and family members actually make the situation worse by enabling the alcoholic (such as giving them the wrong types of gifts that can enable their addiction)
What Is Enabling?
Enabling is defined as doing things for a person with an alcohol problem that they normally could and would do for themselves if they were sober. In contrast, helping is doing something that the alcoholic could not or would not do for themselves if sober. Helping does not protect an alcoholic from the consequences of his or her actions.
Anything that you do that does protect the alcoholic or addict from the consequences of his or her actions, could be enabling him to delay a decision to get help for their problem. Therefore, it's in the best interest of the alcoholic, in the long run, if you stop whatever you are doing to enable them. Enabling is not helping.
From:
www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-enabling-an-alcoholic-63083
Disabling (a better word is dismantling) the mindset that causes the enabling is vital before a situation will be turned around. It stems from a mistaken set of beliefs - that you caused a problem, that you can control a problem and that you can cure a problem.
Alcohol abuse on the part of one individual in a relationship is not something the other party can control or cure. It's not something the other party caused.
In the same way, abuse in a relationship is not something the abused party can control or cure and it's not something the victim caused.
The belief that you caused, can control or cure abuse is a very strong belief that is a very predictable - to the point of being almost universal - side effect of a relationship with an abuser (and it's addressed in Twelve Step approaches to treating families of alcoholics and also in therapy aimed at victims of DV).
Hence 'walking on eggshells' - doing everything in your power not to provoke the abuser. Even though the abuser's attacks are irrational and unpredictable, a victim will try to maintain a sense that she is in control of her situation by careful monitoring of the abuser's mood and adjustments to her behaviour.
DV is a world with its own rules, its own rhythms. The ultimate aim of DV is to make a victim feel she has no option but to stay and absorb more abuse. This doesn't mean that a victim who has been beaten down to that point is complicit in her abuse. It does mean that tackling the toxic belief she has been forced to live with must be addressed.
There is a difference between stating that a belief exists and governs someone's behaviour and responses, and blaming that person for having that belief. The word 'enabling' comes across as very negative, a reflection on the 'enabler', which is incredibly unfortunate. Enabling happens when there is fear and a strong sense or perception of powerlessness on the part of the victim, often caused by the abuser or the alcoholic, and always reflecting an imbalance of power in a relationship.
The belief that the power to cause, control and cure abuse lies within the power of the victim needs to be uncovered and dismantled - it's part of the process of disengagement which has to happen if a victim is going to gain the strength to get free and stay free of abuse.