Hand hold needed after huge fight with DH

[MrsSwears2Much]

My husband blew up after an extremely petty disagreement tonight.
He asked me to make another drink (alcoholic) and I playfully pointed out that I was pretty sure it was his turn as I had made them all evening.

His whole demeanour changed and the nasty look that crossed his face made my stomach contract. He shouted. Called me a liar.
And for the record I wasn't lying.
The fact is though, that he was having a beer -sometimes 2- with every Cubra Libre I made (3). And in the short space of an hour had knocked over 4 drinks (the kids, mine and his own beer). So I really did think he was too drunk by this point anyway.

I don't like confrontation at all, so took myself upstairs. And the kids followed me. They were unhappy with his raised voice.
So now "I have turned the kids against him. I need to get out of his life. He hates me. Blah blah blah."
He followed me in and out of our bedroom 4 times. Screaming abuse. I stayed calm. Didn't engage. He wouldn't allow me to talk when I tried anyway. Would just shout and swear over me.

He was starting to really scare our youngest (5yo DS) and our eldest (10yo DS) came into the room asking if I was okay. So I tried to block the door to protect them from the aggression.

This was a bad idea as their father flung the door open (I was holding it closed, asking him to please go back downstairs) and literally flung me across the room onto the bed beside the kids, by his arm on my neck. He picked up a full water bottle from my vanity unit to throw at me, but threw it at the window instead. He then made comments saying I was looking dramatic and trying to get sympathy.

After his 8th go of screaming at me how horrible I am he finally fell asleep downstairs.
But the kids were crying and wanting me to take them to my mum and dads house. Saying that dad is too angry tonight and it's scary.

This is not the first drunken fight, but it's the first time he has lay his hands on me. I'm just so lost. I love him sober. He is a totally different man without alcohol.

Go to your parents house OP, pack a bag this morning and just go xxx

Stop blaming the OP for making him drinks!

Come on. We all know this kind of violent behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere. Her and her kids live on eggshells and she was hoping to placate him.

It didn't work. OP none of this is your fault, it's not your kids fault but please listen to your son, go to your parents and call the police.

He won't stop unless you make it stop. Be brave.

It's not 'blaming'

Enabling is a serious issue. There is a mindset behind it that has to be disabled before the OP can start to set herself and her children free from this horror.

@MissHoskins I take it from your comment to me that you know absolutely nothing of what goes on in DV/alcohol dynamics.

Are you okay OP?

Hope you're OK, OP, and you have been able to follow some of the excellent advice. Please don't blame yourself - you're probably still in shock and you've lived with this so it has gradually become normalised. But everyone is right - you need to get away. It seems impossible, it will even seem like an over-reaction, but it isn't. Get your kids away. It will be hard for a little while - and then it will be so much better.

Can you do it one step at a time? Will he sleep in this morning?

You can start by getting together your essentials - clothes, toiletries, paperwork (passports, birth certs, bank statements etc).

Ring your parents.

It took me a couple of days to work up the courage to ring the police - I really didn't need to worry, they were wonderful, took it really seriously.

Feed yourself and your children.

Just one step at a time.

Hope you're ok. Please leave and/or call the police. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Poor kids

How are things this morning OP?

Against the grain of this thread but there is the option for you to give him an ultimatum, no drinking ever again or you are all three out. If they see their father mend his ways and show contrition for his actions that could be better than him moving out and spiralling into even worse alcoholism.

However, if you feel you and your children aren't safe then yes, I would call police and go. Good luck.

I wouldn't recommend an ultimatum. That gives him the chance to do it again, even if he does temporarily improve. You'll still always be treading on eggshells..

I watched years of this between my BIL and his girlfriends / wife. He was also threatening to my MIL, who said that the sun shone out of his arse, but still sometimes would admit that she was frightened of him.

It won't improve. Leave him.

Please do not stay with this man. His behaviour will escalate over time. Do the responsible thing and get your kids away from him, you have a duty of care to them.

Your children will never forget what happened last night. In years to come, do you want them to recall it as a turning point where you put their well-being first and kept them and you safe? Or do you want them to recall it as one of many nights during their childhood ruined by this grim piss head? Be strong OP. It won’t be easy but you can handle it I’m sure. The first step is to get them out of danger and to your parents’ house ASAP, as you ten yo suggested

What Patch (and everyone else) said. He sounds like a horrible drunk. He needs to never drink again, but until you can be sure that he can do that, through thick and thin (spoiler alert - very unlikely) you need to get him away from you and your DCs.

Phone the fucking police and get him gone. Disgusting alcoholic prick of an abuser.

Calling the police is a really good way to show your children: 1. Just how unacceptable this is, and 2. That you take their fears about their own and your safety seriously.

You can’t live like this.

He's dangerous to you all. Please leave as soon as you can.

Please take your kids to your parents and stay there.

Sorry this has happened to you. This is not a huge fight. This is a drunk raging man attacking his wife in front of his children. I hope you have managed to get away from him or ideally get him out of the house.

This is not a fight. You have been assaulted by him. He threw you across the bed in front of your children. You say it's not the first drunken 'fight'. It sounds like a very volatile situation. Your poor children. He has crossed the line now and i am worried he will hurt you next time or one of the subsequent fight after that. This is no way to bring up kids.
You need to leave or kick him out. It doesn't matter how sorry he is today as long as you are both drinking this is always a risk. For your children's sake keep them away from this

So sad to see there is no update, I hope you are ok OP.

Jesus Christ. I would have been so disgusted and infuriated at that behaviour from him, I would have had to pack our bags and get away from him that night.

This has crossed that line OP.

@mathanxiety
Funny you thought I knew nothing about domestic violence and alcoholism, I do know quite a bit. I also know about victim blaming and that's what you did in your now deleted post.
@MrsSwears2Much, I'm really hoping that you've found the courage to leave this vile man. There is a thread on Mumsnet about escaping from DV in this lockdown.
I wish you well and hope that life improves for you and your children.

He flung you on the bed this time.

Next time he may fling you against the bedside cabinet, and accidentally smash your head on it and kill you. Your children will them be alone with him during their childhood without you to protect them.

And there WILL be a next time. He won’t be able to stop drinking on his own. He is addicted.

I’m not trying to frighten you but I am trying to be honest with you, as I have been in the same situation. Okey him off the once. He ‘was stressed, it was the first time’ blah blah. He begged and I forgave him.

Then it happened again.

He will probably either try and blame you for the incident or apologise profusely.

I wouldn’t be hanging around long enough.

Go to the police. Who knows it may be enough of a scare that he rethinks his drinking and in six months time may be sober and the great guy you used to know.

Don’t hang about waiting though. You need to be safe with the kids. Either you need to go to your parents or he needs to go elsewhere. The police will help you.

You really don’t have a choice. You’re doing this for the children.

Sorry you’re going through this. I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you love begging you to stay and promising he’ll change. Walk.

Your poor children. No child should ever be around that shit and for them to ask to be taken somewhere else is heartbreaking. Sorry OP but you need to lay down some ground rules because you don't want them growing up remembering this. My dad was like that and those nights are ones I'll never forget.

I agree with everyone else who is saying you must put your children and yourself first.

It does not matter if he's an alcoholic or not, it only matters that he verbally, emotionally and physically abuses his own wife and children when he drinks.

Whether or not he likes it, you need to leave him ( or kick him out) as nothing will improve, things will only get worse.

Maybe splitting will be the kick up the arse he needs to motivate him to change, who knows................but that's a problem for another day. Today, your only concern must be the safety and protection of you and your children.