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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He enjoys it, I enjoy it so why does it leave me feeling so awful?

76 replies

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 10:58

Been together 7 years. Very happy in all aspects of the relationship. But I have an issue with sex that I cant get over.

I wont go into too much detail, basically I enjoy being treated roughly and DP enjoys displaying an aggressive (but always controlled) side sexually.

Over the past year or so, I have been left upset afterwards, I feel weak and pathetic and (hate to use this word as its soooo not the case)abused.

I cant let DP know as he would feel awful if he knew that this was affecting me in this way - also I believe he would insist that it stops but TBH, I dont think I could enjoy that part of our relationship any other way.

I'm so scared of things carrying on the way they are as I'm starting to feel like a total fraek, never felt that way before. But I'm more scared of it stopping and that part of our lives becoming (for want of a much better word) normal, because I dont think I can relate to him in that way.

Oh god, I sound like a complete nutter seeing it all written down!! I'm not btw - I promise.

OK so the point of this is - I dont know what to do for the best. I realise this is not the sort of subject many people will want to associate themselves with (dont blame you - I have namechanged after all)but if anyone has any kernels of advice they would be accepted most gratefully.

OP posts:

Baffy · 15/09/2007 11:02

could you get some therapy or counselling (individually at first, then maybe as a couple later?)

I don't know anything about this but I suspect the issues are much deeper routed than we could possibly begin to understand on here

I really hope you can overcome this - if it leaves you feeling so upset, and almost like you've been abused, but you don't want to change - then I really think you should get help to deal with it

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 11:04

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Nemo2007 · 15/09/2007 11:06

would agree with cod..there is something else underlying and do you 'enjoy' it because it of something else in your self esteem? If you feel so shite after then it is not enjoyment as you shouldnt come away from sex feeling that way. I do think you need to talk to DH about it aswell..maybe there is another way to have that aspect without you feeling so crap.

anorak · 15/09/2007 11:06

You have grown up and realised that

superior strength does not equal masculinity
being physically dominated does not equal being loved/taken care of
you deserve to be cherished as someone fragile and of value, not manhandled roughly like something no one cares about.
you are learning to value yourself more and want to start expecting your DP to as well

Did you have a domineering/abusive parent? Is that why you came to associated this treatment with love?

There is nothing wrong with you, it's healthy and good that you are healing enough not to be attracted to this pattern any more.

And I don't blame your DP, I don't suppose he's done it to bully you but probably just followed your lead and was pleased that you seemed happy with his lovemaking. But you might find he's secretly pleased when you want to change things.

hertsnessex · 15/09/2007 11:06

why not just try and introduce some plain lovemaking rather than this sort of sex - see how you feel after that, and perhaps only use the 'rough play' occasionally and only if it makes you feel comfortable, but i think you need to spk to your dh.

TotalChaos · 15/09/2007 11:07

I agree with cod and baffy - get some counselling - you need to work out what's going on here - whether you don't fancy/trust your partner any more, or wherther the whole fetish thing has overwhelmed your sex life a bit, and you just need to get things back to basics.

Acinonyx · 15/09/2007 11:07

You probably realise yourself that there's more going on here than just liking a bit of rough. Sounds like you had reasons for needing that and now those reasons have become complicated by the fact that your relationship has become more long-term and comitted and as a consequence is becoming incompatible with being treated roughly. I think proper counselling would get to the bottom of the real issues here - perhaps something like relate? You could go on your own. Jill

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 11:13

No one has called me nutjob/freak/wierdo yet ...

Oh the joy!!

Thanks or the comments so far, I am on my way out now but will check back later.

(Anorak - I had a lump in my throat reading your post, dont know why. Food for thought in there I guess?)

OP posts:

totaleclipse · 15/09/2007 11:17

Is it possible you are craving tenderness, but just dont realise it, try visulising it, see how it makes you feel, then try it if it appeals.

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 13:00

Something I a;ways wondered, do people like me (as in - people who choose to be dominated in this way) always come from an abusive background?

I cant truthfully say one way or another if I had an abusive childhood - strange as that may sound, I just dont know.

Counselling, on my own at first, may well be whats needed - I certainly cant understand my own brain well enough, a bit of outside help could make all the difference.

It may also be the case, as anorak suggested, that he would be relieved to lose this aspect of our lives but no matter how much I love him - and I do, I adore him, for me his appeal sexually is in his dominance. I want this from him, I feel like I need it. Scary to imagine him not being this way.

I dont feel in control of myself. I know I will feel shit after, that I'll go for a shower just so I can cry without him knowing but I actively look for it. There have been times lately that I have done or said things specifically to make him angry with me then when he is, I'll kiss him or do something to turn him on. Its ridiculous, I'm so ashamed of myself. It was never meant to be that this came from real feelings of anger (in his case) or of weakness (in my case).

I'm losing all perspective of what I want - but I can honestly say that I never feel as loved as I do when we are playing out these 'roles'.

He is such a good man, I also worry that I provoke a side of him that otherwise wouldn't be there.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 13:43

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 13:43

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 13:44

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AnonaMoose · 15/09/2007 13:47

Hi, I am like you. I don't come from an abusive background. My mother was a very controlling woman and my father was absent but I was not abused.

I have a very low self esteem and have had for many years. I lost my virginity to feel loved, wanted and taken care of. I have always been embarrassed about this part of my life and certainly confused as to why I would want to be treated like this. I feel guilty because lots of women are treated like this against their will and yet I want to be. I see it as needing to be (rightly or wrongly) rather than wanting to be. I need to feel like someone else is in control.

I don't think I can pinpoint one reason alone that makes me feel this way. Maybe because in everyday life I am in control, I am the worrier, I have all the responsibility. I want someone else to catch the ball when I want to let go. Maybe it's because I need to feel owned (wanted and loved) because that is what men (fathers) are supposed to do. They are supposed to want you (my father didn't)I wonder if it's because I slept with men at the drop of a hat from the age of 14 just to feel like I was needed and wanted by someone and if now maybe I'm subconsciously angry yet accepting that's what a man wants. I have no idea.

Sometimes I think I'm thinking too much about it and that it's ok to like this kind of play. I know my dp would never hurt me and I feel safe even when he is being dominant. I fantasise about being submissive to strangers and even groups. It's very embarrassing but it is what turns me on. Is it strange or just a harder version of the milkmaid fantasy? I don't know.

I wish I could help you but the truth is I'm in counselling so that I can help myself. Maybe that's the best advice I can give you. Talk to your dp and see about counselling just for you and maybe later for both of you. If you're like me, this is probably about things that happened long before you met him.

I don't know if this will help but having talked about it with my dp we decided to keep that part of our sex life separate to our love life. We take on roles for that part even use different names. We have que words for 'that' play and unless both of us are willing to go 'there' we leave it be and enjoy a very loving and intimate relationship as ourselves. He is a wonderful man, like yours and I bet if you talk to your dp he will understand.

I wish you luck. (I've namechanged too )

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 14:49

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Baffy · 15/09/2007 14:50

me too

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 14:51

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Amoose · 15/09/2007 14:56

Ok I've changed. I picked Anonamoose as a silly 'I'm like you' thing because of the op name. Sorry

namechangealso · 15/09/2007 14:57

I have namechanged.
Anonamoose and Anonomouse... you are not on your own with this.
I came from a childhood with extremely controlling distant parents who tried to mould me into something I wasn't. Deprived of love, never hugged or kissed etc. Just made to feel useless and surplus to requirements.
I validated myself by falling into lust with anyone that came my way... I now realise I was searching for love and attention.

All these years later, I now I have this deep seated need to be controlled sexually. I like 'rough' play very much. I like hair pulling, smacking and being shoved around. I have a loving family of my own but I am the one who is in charge of absolutely everything at home, juggling balls, keeping things ticking over. So I need to play the feminine girly girl in the bedroom and be totally dominated. I don't think its particularly healthy and I take my hat off to you Anonomoose for having counselling.

Anonomouse - I think how Anonmoose handles it could be a way forward for you. Can you not initiate normal loving lovemaking again, and just keep the naughty controlling side for special occasions, as it were... when you've had a few drinks or something. If you cry in the shower every time, there must be something wrong. If you were just to keep that type of lovemaking for the odd occasion and treat it as more of a roleplaying thing... you could maybe cope better with it?

morningpaper · 15/09/2007 15:01

Agree, you need to have some therapy/counselling to go through these issues. Your hubby sounds like he cares a lot for you and would help you through this process. You have all the tools you need to move on - you sound like you are in a good relationship and things are ok but you need to progress and get to the bottom of your feelings.

You like you need to find a way of having sex that makes you feel wonderful and loved without this fetish which seems to stem from your poor self-esteem and negative feelings.

Have you seen the film Secretary btw? It is actually quite an interesting exploration of self-harm in and out of relationships and how that affects a woman becoming the sort of woman and lover that she wants to be - it is quite interesting (although probably completely without any sort of useful lessons on conclusions!).

I hope you find a way of having sex that makes you feel positive and good afterwards. Talk to your DH - he sounds like he is going to be really helpful in your journey. Good luck.

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 15:05

Anonamoose!! A kindred spirit in more ways than one - it was a toss up between moose/mouse. (Thank you btw, very kind of you to post).

(Cod, you are a wise and cuddly fish - I knew it!)

WRT how 'horrible' he is, I suppose looking at it coldly he is pretty horrible...

When these things happen, he is not violent as such, no marks that anyone would ever see - he wouldn't lose control in that way. He says pretty horrid things too but again, only looking at it completely objectively would it seem 'horrible'. At the time it feels right and loving, 'moose mentioned feeling owned and therefore wanted, that rings true for me too.

I dont think I have self esteem issues though and I can imagine 'loving sex' (and do) but not with him - this is so tied up in how I see him.

OP posts:

namechangealso · 15/09/2007 15:10

I would say then AnonoMouse... if this is tied up with how you see you dh, this is a cyle you need to break maybe? Sorry, I am butting in here... and who am I to suggest anything as I haven't got it right myself.

But I do identify with the being 'owned' bit...

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 15:18

NCA - Thank you too for posting, it really is so kind and very touching [whuss emoticon].

W ehave tried doing this kind of thing as role-play but I hated it, I felt like we were both putting on a performance and it felt odd that he was 'faking' or acting the part. I want him as him not in some made up character. Though I definitely see that that would probably be the healthier approach.

MP - Yes, you're right. I do have a wonderful DP and I know he would be so upset if he knew how I felt. (I have seen secretary, its a lovely film).

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 15:19

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 15:19

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