He enjoys it, I enjoy it so why does it leave me feeling so awful?

[AnonaMouse]

Been together 7 years. Very happy in all aspects of the relationship. But I have an issue with sex that I cant get over.

I wont go into too much detail, basically I enjoy being treated roughly and DP enjoys displaying an aggressive (but always controlled) side sexually.

Over the past year or so, I have been left upset afterwards, I feel weak and pathetic and (hate to use this word as its soooo not the case)abused.

I cant let DP know as he would feel awful if he knew that this was affecting me in this way - also I believe he would insist that it stops but TBH, I dont think I could enjoy that part of our relationship any other way.

I'm so scared of things carrying on the way they are as I'm starting to feel like a total fraek, never felt that way before. But I'm more scared of it stopping and that part of our lives becoming (for want of a much better word) normal, because I dont think I can relate to him in that way.

Oh god, I sound like a complete nutter seeing it all written down!! I'm not btw - I promise.

OK so the point of this is - I dont know what to do for the best. I realise this is not the sort of subject many people will want to associate themselves with (dont blame you - I have namechanged after all)but if anyone has any kernels of advice they would be accepted most gratefully.

Change of plan.

Clearly not as drunk brave as I thought

Just to say I understand how confused you feel. In my first marriage, was v. frustrated (with everything, not just sex) and he was too, he started to hit me, he was always sorry after, but it got to the point where I'd wind him up so he'd lose his temper, hit me, then be overcome with remorse, but more importantly I'd livened things up a bit and got a bit of power over him - made him lose his temper. It became a habit, me finding an excuse to wind him up etc. (I didn't see my parents for months because I was ashamed of the bruises.) Sounds perverted logic, but I think I felt I couldn't/wouldn't do better than him.

Anyway, I wanted to stop the cycle but couldn't see how, until I met another bloke, started an affair, and asked him to help me. When DH blacked the same eye twice in a fortnight I ran away with this bloke and stayed with him until DH accepted it was over. Am now in a 'normal' relationship with a lovely bloke.

Apologies for use of 'bloke' three times inone paragraph, also for hijacking, but I thought it might throw a bit of light on your situation. Best of luck xx

Tearinghairout - So pleased that you have ended up in a happy relationship after what must have been a soul-destroying one. Well done. Other than this aspect, our relationship is happy, so in my case the provocation thing isnt an attempt to sabotage things or highlight problems...though tbh I'm not sure why I do it.

Amoose - last couple of posts I was in a rush but I wanted to say that your post has really struck a chord though I feel I lack the clarity you have on the situation.

I am scared to change things and I'm scared for it to continue.... clear as feckin' mud!

I understand why someone outside of the situation might think he is wrong to do the things he does, but I have to reiterate that it is entirely consentual and that he is a loving, kind man. It is me that has the problem.

I have wanted this, I made it this way but for some reason it now screws my head up.

I feel that I would like to tell him, see what he says. He is always very good at helping sort things out in my own mind. I ruined the chance with inappropriate bawling so hopefully will try again anothre time.

I still think that you need to stop blaming yourself all for this. Your partner is responsible for his own behaviour towards you in your relationship.

Are you really that sure that you are the only person who wants this? I'll say it again, I could never hurt or abuse someone I loved even if they asked me to so why does your partner find it so easy? And why are you calling your bawling "inappropriate", there is nothing inappropriate about feelings - who has made you believe that crying is "inappropriate" when you are upset or hurt?

I think you are making things easy for him by not making any demands on him (been there, done that, got very hurt). Please start taking yourself seriously and respecting your own feelings and stop putting the whole blame on yourself for the problems in your relationship.

Anon, thanks. It's obvious you do now want things to change, but it's always easier to stick with what we know. But it's obviusly not right for you any more. Have the courage to talk it through with him. Good luck xx

OK, I brought up with him last night about the crying and feeling hurt.

Obviously, its a lot for him to take in and understand.

We've agreed thete's no need to go down the counselling route, we're not doing anything wrong.

The issue is my emotions. DP made a good point that maybe Its linked to being a mother now rather than our sex life in itself.

One step at a time, but we've decided that I will not go for the shower or leave the room afterwards but stay with him. Therefore I'm less likely to allow myself to get upset and if I do he will be there for me.

here goes my attempt at counselling!!!

Controlling mother, absent father, says a lot.

The making him angry, then kissing him etc, is like you want to feel that he will always want you and accept you, no matter what ie that he will never leave you.

Being controlled is what you grew up with, makes you feel safe.

Seems like you have reached a point in your life where you would like to do things differently, but always fall back to the safe feeling for reassurance.

sorry, I just wanted to add that I am very grateful for everyones advice. I truly am.

Last post sounds a bit dismissive - it wasn't meant to

Law3 - think you are reading another poster as me. Anonomoose not anonamouse?

Confusing, I know!

perhaps its a case of you enjoy it but also want to feel loved and when you only have rough sex you feel used and abused instead of loved can you not try a little gentle sex for a while so you feel good about yourself.
Things you do in sex tend to be addictive especially if both of you enjoy it and can also become the norm, so you just need a little brake from it to remember there are other ways

Law3 that's all my fault, I explained further down the thread. Sorry for the confusion

AM - it seems to me a good thing that you've spoken about this and him being there for you if you're upset is clearly good but I have to say, if I may, (along with many provisos that maybe I have misread/misunderstood etc) that "Therefore I'm less likely to allow myself to get upset" worries me - it sounds like the two of you are thinking not about causes (lord knows what), not even about symptoms (you being upset afterwards), but about displays of them. ie the goal you seem to have set yourselves is for you not to exhibit signs of being upset. are you sure you're not now setting a pattern for you to firsltly try to cover up how you feel and secondly feel guilty for how you feel? sorry if I'm wide of the mark. like I said, I do think you talking is a positive step - but make sure you keep doing it.

It sounds like his solution is to stop you being upset rather than stopping the behaviour. You've just told him you end up feeling awful after abusive sex and his solution is that you learn to control your feelings not that he should stop being abusive.

If one person is getting hurt, it stops being consensual, and yes someone is doing something wrong: he is doing something wrong by continuing to be abusive to you when he knows it is causing you hurt and pain.

Have you thought about getting some counselling on your own to sort our your feelings about this relationship without his (what sounds like controlling) input?

I have a little experience in this area, although I woudln't go as far to say that I like my sex abusive, more that I enjoy being submissive. I think the problem is that there is a very fine line, and as someone has said before there is an adictive thing about behaviour sometimes. I was not abused, or had a difficult childhod, but I was brought up to belive that sex was not enjoyable for women. I've only the one partner, and for years sex was not very enjoyable (not bad, just a bit boring really). Then after having children dh and my relationship went seriously down hill. We didn't have sex for ages and ages, and dh got very upset. Whilst we were trying to put things back together again we started talking about what turned us on, and what we fantasised about (dh has a bit of an unusual fetish, which he felt ashamed of for no very good reason). I have the submissive abusive thing, and I do think it's because of my upbringing, because my big sister has the same thing. We found that playing very gently and exploring what worked and what didn't was the way ahead, and there were some things that turned me on like anything, but made me feel really bad. It's really difficult to explain why, and the feelings that it arouses are very complicated, I think. We have now got the balance about right, and have learnt to redirect each other without it being a big deal (dh can be a bit single minded sometimes, if he thinks he's got it right). I found councelling (on my own) very liberating, and helped me think through a lot of things. It wasn't sex related, but just opened up communication for me.

I think that you have made a great start in talking to your dh, and I think he is right about not leaping up afterwards and being on your own. Sometimes it is your own mind that suggests nasty things, and you have to tell it to stop. Much easier when you are in the arms of someone you love than on your own in the shower. Good luck with it. Feelings are incredibly complicated, and sex can open up all sorts of thoughts and emotions that you probably wouldn't experience otherwise.

Elizabetth - I appreciate your point of view, but honestly its not like that.

I feel bad that I have portrayed him in such a way through not explaining myself properly - he really is not abusive.

sorry if i offended anyone did say my ATTEMPT, im no expert!!!

good luck, hope you get it sorted!!

"I wont go into too much detail, basically I enjoy being treated roughly and DP enjoys displaying an aggressive (but always controlled) side sexually."

Anonamouse in my opinion this is abusive, particularly if you are upset afterwards and needing to go away to be on your own to get over it.

You didn't portray him as anything, please don't blame yourself again - I have my own opinion about what is an acceptable way for people to treat one another sexually in relationships. And in my opinion (just mine) what he is doing to you is not acceptable, even if you have told him you want to be treated like that.

I hate to hear about people being hurt and I'm worried that that is what is happening to you. Sex shouldn't end in tears and if it does there is something wrong with the sex not with the person crying.

Look, in all honesty, I expected a different reaction, I fully expected him to say "thats it over" when he knew how I felt. He didn't.

I'm relieved, I'm anxious, I'm also now having to reasess the whole thing as maybe its not exactly how I thought (from his point of view).

So when he didn't stop it last night I felt let down but even more tightly bonded to him. Mad no?

None of it makes sense, even to me!

If he is behaving in a selfish way, he is only doing what he has come to see as acceptable. To both of us.

I'm no expert but i think there's something in your comment "he is only doing what he has come to see as acceptable". I think it might be difficult for him to see that something has changed and that maybe it's not acceptable anymore - because that might seem like he's been doing something wrong all along - ie he might need to re-evaluate the past - so I can see taht it might be hard for him to accept - but if you are upset and want something to change then you really need to work that out together. people change, dynamics change. saying it's not ok anymore isn;t the same as saying it never was - but neither is "well it used to be ok, so it must be now" an ok response. imvho. I just hope you're ok.

Hi AnonaMouse, How are you feeling now. I popped on briefly to apologise to Law3 for the confusion with my original name. I had to go out then, just wanted to clear that up in case you thought I was disinterested and buggered off.

I'm glad you managed to talk to dp. I know it's not abuse. My dp was very reluctant to explore sub/dom sex in the beginning because he said he couldn't bring himself to be the way I wanted him to be. It was very frustrating because I wanted him to be more rough and say nastier things (how embarrassing to be admitting that I'm sure people reading this will think I'm a freak)because that's what turned me on. I enjoyed being controlled and being his possession. I enjoyed it even when he wasn't there and he would text and tell me what he wanted when he came home and it was not always sex. Could have been something as silly as a cup of tea ready when he came in the door!

I know it's confusing, it still confuses the hell out of me sometimes and I can't explain what a rush it is to feel totally controlled by him and that it is something I genuinely crave. It could very well be to do with my childhood or teenage years but the important thing is that it's not hurting me, it doesn't make me sad and it doesn't happen every time we decide to be intimate.

It is something we are both in control of and that is what I find worrying about your situation. I don't doubt for a minute that you know your dp well enough to know that he is not abusing you but I am concerned that you cry. You're not crying for nothing, there is a reason and until you figure out what it is I would stop this kind of sex. It's wonderful and fun and very different (and some might say weird but we know we like it so who cares right?!)but ONLY when both people are enjoying it.

Stopping now does not mean you cannot ever go there again it just means breathing space to get a handle on the situation. Talk, talk, talk.

Why not try something very different. Next time rule out intercourse all together and instead explore every part of eachothers bodies slowly and lovingly (that's your homework ) It doesn't always have to be about orgasam, being intimate can be a wonderful experience without intercourse and it was one of the things that allowed us to continue with the rougher sex because I knew at other times he was capable of appreciating me and my body. Variety is the spice of life they say. If all you ever did was the missionary then that would surely get boring and unfulfilling (sp) the same could be said for any repetitive and routine type of sex.

I know you don't want to go to counselling and your right that you're not doing anything wrong but if you don't find things getting better soon please do reconsider. I don't know you but I wouldn't like to think you were upset and hurt. Take care of yourself and pop back here anytime you feel like you need a chat. I'll keep this thread in the ones I'm watching and with my serious MN addiction I'm bound to be here most days so I'll definately see it.

Bye for now

Oh, Amoose. Such a lovely post.

You are not in any way a freak - if I could I'd give you a hug

I understand exactly what you are saying, the cup of tea thing - so true! Its a tiny simple little thing but it feels wonderful.

You sound just where I want to be. I'll get there, I will!

I'm glad to see your smiley and see you being more positive. You'll be fine

I'm also glad to know I'm not alone either. It was lovely chatting to you. It's actually strange that we may chat when dressed up in our 'normal' MN names and never know it!

Until the next time we chat here, be good

Do you mind me asking Amoose - Was your DP not into this at all when you got together? and does he now enjoy it or does he do it for your benefit?

Dp was always this way inclined but it was definitely me who wanted it more in the beginning. He is very much into it now though!

The same story as you. He was taken back by how much rougher I wanted him to be but he did always prefer to be dominant. How you now?