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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He enjoys it, I enjoy it so why does it leave me feeling so awful?

76 replies

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 10:58

Been together 7 years. Very happy in all aspects of the relationship. But I have an issue with sex that I cant get over.

I wont go into too much detail, basically I enjoy being treated roughly and DP enjoys displaying an aggressive (but always controlled) side sexually.

Over the past year or so, I have been left upset afterwards, I feel weak and pathetic and (hate to use this word as its soooo not the case)abused.

I cant let DP know as he would feel awful if he knew that this was affecting me in this way - also I believe he would insist that it stops but TBH, I dont think I could enjoy that part of our relationship any other way.

I'm so scared of things carrying on the way they are as I'm starting to feel like a total fraek, never felt that way before. But I'm more scared of it stopping and that part of our lives becoming (for want of a much better word) normal, because I dont think I can relate to him in that way.

Oh god, I sound like a complete nutter seeing it all written down!! I'm not btw - I promise.

OK so the point of this is - I dont know what to do for the best. I realise this is not the sort of subject many people will want to associate themselves with (dont blame you - I have namechanged after all)but if anyone has any kernels of advice they would be accepted most gratefully.

OP posts:

totaleclipse · 15/09/2007 15:22

AnonaMouse

You say you dont know if you had an abusive childhood or not, do you think its possible you did? as often children can push traumatic events to a subconcious level of the mind, as a way of self protection, so effectively they forget, but the memories can and often return slowly in adulthood, I hope I have'nt worried you, its just a possibility.

RitaRitaMeterMaid · 15/09/2007 15:29

Have you ever done any reading around issues of domination and submission? Top and bottom? Read 'A Defence of Masochism' by Anita Philips.

There is a theory in which submission is not loss or abdication of power, but that the submissive partner controls the other by setting the boundaries, leading the fantasy, and leading from the back if that makes sense. It is what the submissive partner allows or entices that controls the relationship. I don't think submission in a sexual relationship is necessarily connected to former abuse or low self-esteem - quite the opposite, sometimes. Maybe the problem here is that you feel that you have lost the direting role and that your DH is proceeding without your tacit permission, or is taking it for granted that you want this all the time and so the real control has moved from you to him. It sounds a bit messy that you have started to mix real life situations with sexual play, in making him genuinely angry etc.

Would it help to have a 'truce' - agree that for a month or two months you will only engage in vanilla sex - find out how you relate sexually without the 'play' - and see how you feel then? Whether things become clearer?

A good relationship counsellor with experience in sexual counselling will have no qualms about you discussing any of this - you are not even particulary unusual in your sources of enjoyment, but for some reason this is not much talked of.

Amoose · 15/09/2007 15:35

lol @ cod. She's right though, you really should talk to him. Sounds like he would be horrified if he thought he was upsetting you.

We are complicated creatures aren't we Like I said in my first post maybe there is nothing wrong with this kind of sex, I mean people get off on all sorts of things but what worries me about you Mouse is that it makes you cry after. That is very sad and very worrying. Sex/lovemaking should be a wonderful experience no matter how you choose to do it, it should not leave you feeling sad.

If not self esteen issues could it be guilt? I often feel guilty and ashamed especially because some women have very real experiences of the kind I am 'acting' out. That's not nice to acknowledge.

Amoose · 15/09/2007 15:38

Holy shit Rita, I'm a little stunned, you've just hit on something that may explain a lot for me. I'll be getting that book.

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 15:56

The whole abuse issue is really complicated for me. Questionable things hapened but I dont wish to identify myself as someone who was abused, I dont feel like a vicim of abuse, I dont want to lessen the meaning of what abuse is.

From reading this thread I feel liek telling him how I feel would be the best thing, but in all honestly I will have to give that some serious thought. I'm very guarded about my emotions so that alone would make it hard.

I have looked into the whole asdism/masochism thing quite a bit but its never felt resonant for me. The idea that its a choice, with very clear definitions and boundries doesn't fit with my own feelings. For me, it feels like a personal trait rather than a life style choice. (Sorry! I dont know if that makes any sense).

And yes, I do feel pretty guilty (and ridiculous) to actively seek the sort of treatment that I would advise any woman (in an abusive scenario)to run from.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 15:58

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 15:58

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 15:59

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Neverenough · 15/09/2007 16:16

Having read through the whole thread,agree that the key issue here is the way you feel afterwards.
I think you would do best to seek therapy by yourself first as sounds like you are the one who has changed not DP.
If you and DP were both happy with this flavour of sex then there wouldn't be a problem.
Best of luck in finding a really good therapist in your area.
Prob you could start with Relate.

Neverenough · 15/09/2007 16:17

I should have added though that of course you should talk to DP as well.

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 16:17

Message withdrawn

Neverenough · 15/09/2007 17:02

Reminds me , bizarrely, of a joke I heard once about a bunch of red roses.......

loopylou6 · 15/09/2007 17:14

maybe im welloff the mark, but it sounds to me that maybe you feel guilty over something, and this rough sex ismaybe a form of punishment? allbeit "safe" punishment because it is being administered by your husband? i dunno maybe im just chatting crap, as ususal

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 18:38

Odd thing just happened.

DP on his way out, he does this thing sometimes - he stroked my cheek and leaned in to kiss me, I went to kiss him but he pulled away and looked at me as if I'd done something wrong.

As I say, he does that sort of thing sometimes and I dont mind, its just how we are but this time I felt myself welling up.

I think its because of talking about it on here today, I'm feeling sensitive and the whole thing feels a bit raw.

A soon as I felt the tears coming I thought 'this is it, I have to tell him how I feel'. But he really surprised me by being quite harsh about it and also I feel he took it (my crying) as part of the 'game', so there was no way I could say anything.

Maybe I'm wrong but it was not normal for me to react this way and I am surprised that he took it in his stride. I would have put money on a different reaction from him.

Dont know what to say really. Am quite surprised by him.

OP posts:

Amoose · 15/09/2007 18:48

Aw mouse, you have to talk to him

If this is something you would normally do then he can't be blamed for doing what he just did.

When is he due home? You said earlier that he would feel awful if he knew this was affecting you this way, are you now thinking he only wants things this way?

I'll ask but I'll understand if you don't want to answer - what were your relationships been like before you met dp?

Amoose · 15/09/2007 18:49

Leave out been in last

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 19:09

No, no I dont blame him - I'm just surprised but I think perhaps he misread things.

Previous relationships mostly had an element of this but never to such an extent.

Amoose - how did you go about finding a counsellor? and what kind?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/09/2007 19:21

anork and cod eminently sensible advice.

Nowt wrong with that sort of role play but it is concerning if it overtakes everything else.

It's easy to get passion and strong desire confused with aggression.

Maybe you crave the passion and being desired, but the aggression has overtaken any sense of that feeling, and your DP has continued with things as they were, not realising?

Or, maybe as you were growing up sex was considered "naughty" in your family, and so the aggressiveness made it 'okay' for you (and exciting for DP) and enabled you to enjoy it. Except that you have probably grown away from the 'sex is naughty' thing, and are finding yourself devalued and objectified...?

Either way, I think a chat with your DP is first on the list. With suggestions from you about what you could 'do' instead of the aggressive roleplaying?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/09/2007 19:22

Sorry anorak

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 19:41

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/09/2007 19:42

You managed to type that alright then You MUST be pleased!!!

FluffyMummy123 · 15/09/2007 19:43

Message withdrawn

Elizabetth · 15/09/2007 19:52

He took your crying as "part of the game"? How can you ever have an honest relationship with this man? The pulling away when you went to kiss him sounds incredibly controlling (and punishing) as well.

Are you sure that what goes on in your relationship isn't only for your benefit? It sounds like he gets a great deal out of being in control of you. I think the way you feel afterwards shows that the real, human vulnerable part of you knows that you shouldn't be treated like this by someone who supposedly cares about you.

I don't know about anyone else, but I could never hurt or abuse someone I loved even if they asked me to and said they enjoyed it. It would just feel so wrong.

Amoose · 15/09/2007 19:57

I was going to counselling for other reasons, it ended up being discussed and far more important an issue in my relationship than I had thought.

I asked about your previous relationships because in mine there was an element of this kind of sex too but, like you, never to the extent it is with dp. In the beginning everything was great, we had lots of fun, like in other relationships but as I grew to love him I could no longer allow him to dominate me though I wanted that type of sex. (This is all very hard to write ) VVVQ said 'finding yourself devalued and objectified' and that's how it began to feel.

That's why we separated it from our everyday lives because we love eachother and part of displaying and showing that love is love making. Two people making love not one person doing what they want.

I think you've become overwhelmed by this whole thing. I think (not 'I know') if your dp took a different approach and made love to you differently, gently, you'd cry. You'd cry because you'd realise that being 'the man' and 'carer' does not mean being 'the agressor' and that men are capable of very tender, passionate and overwhelming love, all of which you deserve.

I could of course be talking through my ass

Whatever happens you take care of yourself

Original poster

AnonaMouse · 15/09/2007 20:37

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Am going to speak to him.

I am feeling drunk brave!!

OP posts:

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