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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The Ick :(

87 replies

workofheart · 22/04/2020 22:05

How do you cope if you get The Ick very badly during lockdown (TBH I had it before and we've had some ups and downs but this period has only magnified it and brought it fully to my attention every second of the day)? I am so irritated by every little thing he does - being in the same room as me, trying to touch me, wanting to go on every single bloody walk with me (I just need some space aaaaagh), wanting to go to the shop with me, hinting we aren't having enough (ok, any) sex: "shall we make some time for some sex at the weekend", ugh, I can't cope anymore.

And how do you end it with someone who thinks things are all fine, is making plans for the future about all the days out we can have, holidays, house renovations, children...and has no idea what is going on in my head (and why should he either, it's not his fault)? All can do is daydream about running away. I am having to pretend my irritation is down to work stress, when work is actually a welcome escape right now.

I think I am also worried that as I have just turned 40, have no children, but would like children, I am running out of time so maybe I should just settle and try to overcome this issue somehow? We've only been together about 14 months, but the thought of a lifetime with him made me shudder :( he will be so gutted when I tell him and he won't see it coming. I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
losingmymindiam · 22/04/2020 22:12

Don't settle. It's not fair on either of you. Be frank and honest. You can't help how you feel but it's not fair on him to continue thinking everything is rosy. What exactly has changed? Is there anything that could be done to change it back? If not, then better you find out now than being married with children.

Improvementsunderway · 22/04/2020 22:13

I think you know the answer if thats how you feel after just over a year... you can still have babies by yourself if you couldnt find the right man... thats not the end of the world . When i read your post i first thought, these circumstances are going to end a lot of relationships because we've been made to be with each other 24/7 thats bound to cause friction, with the added anxiety of the current time were living in, the worry, the not knowing.... But you said you felt that before this happened.... id wait for things to settle a bit and send the message loud and clear.

ANoiseAnnoys · 22/04/2020 22:19

I doubt it’s just because you’re in lockdown you’re feeling this way - when you have the ick you know in your bones it’s over. DH is doing my head in atm but I still love him and am attracted to him.

I understand the concern about your age but can you honestly see yourself having kids with this man and it working? Having kids will put a million times more pressure on the relationship and you definitely shouldn’t bring kids into a relationship that already isn’t working - that’s a recipe for disaster.

It’s sad but he needs to go.

AgeLikeWine · 22/04/2020 22:30

You have been together for 14 months, not 14 years, so the world won’t end if/when you split.

Insist on some alone time - this is something many people in LTRs need to keep them sane. Dodge any discussions about the future for now. Resolve the situation as kindly as you can at the first opportunity after lockdown. Don’t get pregnant, obv. Not that that seems likely....

Good luck.

BackseatCookers · 22/04/2020 22:34

We've only been together about 14 months, but the thought of a lifetime with him made me shudder :( he will be so gutted when I tell him and he won't see it coming. I don't know what to do :(

Imagine finding out someone you are with feels this way about you... wouldn't you wish they'd have put you out of your misery?

It would be so cruel to continue the relationship.

And tbh because you've only been together 14 months it feels like you're being pretty over dramatic - just end it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hunnybears · 22/04/2020 22:35

All can do is daydream about running away

Aww god @workofheart this made me giggle 🤭 but it is an awful situation.

Definitely don’t settle. It will only get worse. Get yourself on a dating site as soon as you end it and get to know someone via face time etc...

Crazychild · 22/04/2020 22:38

I’ve had a similar experience in the past and so much of what you say resonates especially the pretending being stressed etc.
There’s only so long you can fake it like that, it becomes exhausting.

He must realise things aren’t right surely?

OhioOhioOhio · 22/04/2020 22:41

Omg. It's because you're 40 you have to end it. You should know better.

LouiseCollina · 22/04/2020 23:07

It’d be very cruel to do anything but leave, and you’d be letting yourself down too enormously by staying.

WanderingLost167 · 22/04/2020 23:40

There's no way back from the Ick

category12 · 22/04/2020 23:50

Oh end it and send him home or move out. This will just get worse. You'll end up being far crueller in the long run than it is to put a stop to it now.

MayFayner · 22/04/2020 23:55

You can’t even consider having a baby with him. I’m pretty sure the ick means you are not genetically compatible (not real science)

Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 18:55

Not sure how to keep my sanity until this lockdown is over - it's not like I can go anywhere Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:04

I realise it's not like I'm in a terrible situation where I'm being abused or anything, I just don't know how many times I can say I'm too stressed or too tired Confused so close to losing my shit with him because I feel ill from thinking about it.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/04/2020 19:07

What's your housing situation? Do you own/rent together? Has he anywhere he could move out to, or do you?

Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:10

It's his house that he owns. I am feeling terrible about this, more worried about hurting him than my own feelings right now. Also keep thinking would I be making a big mistake? I'd have to start from scratch at most stuff in the house is his. What if I don't meet anyone else and run out of time to have kids (feel like I already have Sad). I feel so sad and desperate about the situation.

OP posts:
Lailaloo747 · 23/04/2020 19:11

Definitely don’t settle and have children with him. Any ‘ick’ magnifies 10000x once you have children.
Only ever have children with someone un-ickable or you’ll be forever tied to ick man.

Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:14

I don't know when or how to tell him seeing as I'm going to have to stay put for the foreseeable future. I dread going to bed every night in case he tries it on. Then when I don't want to I have to put up with the inevitable sulking where he flounces downstairs and is morose for the next day. Aaaaaaagh. Torture.

OP posts:
Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:16

About a week ago he was awake one morning before me which is unusual and told me he'd had a bad dream about us and said "we are ok though aren't we" Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/04/2020 19:17

Absolutely no one you can go and stay with?

Time40 · 23/04/2020 19:18

Is there somewhere else one of you could move to, OP? I think the best and kindest thing would be to end it right now.

Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:18

Not at the moment Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
workofheart · 23/04/2020 19:20

I feel so sad for him. He thinks I'm his forever.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 23/04/2020 19:30

Obviously you need to be completely honest with him and leave as soon as possible.

Children are another issue. How badly do you want them? Of course I'm no fertility expert, but to say you are running out of time seems like an understatement to me. If you want them badly enough, you will have to seriously consider becoming a solo parent.

Crazychild · 23/04/2020 19:31

How was it at the start? Was it ever special for you?

You need to end it and this dude must be an idiot not to realise you’re finished with him.

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