The Ick :(

[workofheart]

How do you cope if you get The Ick very badly during lockdown (TBH I had it before and we've had some ups and downs but this period has only magnified it and brought it fully to my attention every second of the day)? I am so irritated by every little thing he does - being in the same room as me, trying to touch me, wanting to go on every single bloody walk with me (I just need some space aaaaagh), wanting to go to the shop with me, hinting we aren't having enough (ok, any) sex: "shall we make some time for some sex at the weekend", ugh, I can't cope anymore.

And how do you end it with someone who thinks things are all fine, is making plans for the future about all the days out we can have, holidays, house renovations, children...and has no idea what is going on in my head (and why should he either, it's not his fault)? All can do is daydream about running away. I am having to pretend my irritation is down to work stress, when work is actually a welcome escape right now.

I think I am also worried that as I have just turned 40, have no children, but would like children, I am running out of time so maybe I should just settle and try to overcome this issue somehow? We've only been together about 14 months, but the thought of a lifetime with him made me shudder :( he will be so gutted when I tell him and he won't see it coming. I don't know what to do :(

I work from home

In the middle of the night when you are asleep, of course you can! Provided you've told him you want space and that is why you are sleeping in there.

Ah, damn. Hmm...'someone coughed on me at the shop?' Lol

What was your living situation 12 months ago?

How are you financially? I’d be making arrangements for as soon as is possible (lockdown wise) to have a full fertility health check.

We were living separately 12 months ago.

So you can finance a place independently.

Start searching for rentals. The relationships dead. Your hopes don’t have to be. The only thing You have against you right now is time, don’t waste any more.

As for financial situation, I have enough savings for a few months but am not that well off. I earn enough to be financially independent but don't have much stashed away.

shall we make some time for some sex at the weekend

Aaaaaargh, aaargh, aaaaaargh!

has no idea what is going on in my head (and why should he either, it's not his fault)?

Yes, it is, he's unsexy, and the only excuse is if he's thick (which doesn't make it any better for you.) He has no idea how to approach a woman, is clumsy, and how he goes about asking is a turn off.

All can do is daydream about running away

Start making a plan, then you can happily daydream.

Not sure how to keep my sanity until this lockdown is over - it's not like I can go anywhere

Have you tried being honest with him when you want a walk etc? Say you want some time to yourself. If he gets offended, tough shit and also shows how clueless he is about what people need.

Also keep thinking would I be making a big mistake?

#QTWTAIN Question To Which The Answer Is No.

Then when I don't want to I have to put up with the inevitable sulking where he flounces downstairs and is morose for the next day

Nooooo. This is a dumping offence. It's coercive and manipulative.

I feel so sad for him. He thinks I'm his forever

He sounds lame as hell. Some other woman might be for him but you're not. Maybe it's just me and what I want in a man, but what is there to look upto? Clearly not enough for you.

The combination of pathetic and sex pest isn't a good look. Maybe even the patheticness is a contrived manipulation to make you carry on with things longer than you otherwise would.

Even if I sit in the armchair across from him he says "how come you're sitting over there?". I feel like I can't breathe

Aaargh!

There is a very small spare room/office but no bed

Deliveries are a thing.

But I think most private landlords will still be willing to arrange to rent. You could find somewhere for a while, even if it's not where you end up long term it'll be your own space.

Honestly there will be rooms available in a house share or as a lodger, get looking!

shall we make some time for some sex at the weekend
Aaaaaargh, aaargh, aaaaaargh!

Some of his other behavior sound unreasonable, but this doesn't sound bad. Every woman differs on how she would like her husband to initiate sex right? Some might appreciate this forthrightness. Of course there is no right way for him to bring up sex, because she simply doesn't want sex with at all.

Forthrightness is one thing. Scheduling my vagina is quite another. I have no clue if I fancy a shag in a few days. It's all pressure, no seduction.

I can't even go upstairs to read my book or phone my mum without him rolling his eyes that I'm not staying downstairs sitting on the sofa with him. Even if I sit in the armchair across from him he says "how come you're sitting over there?". I feel like I can't breathe

Oh Jesus OP, that sounds absolutely unbearable. Just get out of there. Leave now. Run!

I feel for husbands/boyfriends who it seems are just expected to know, intuitively, the exact right way how to seduce their wives/girlfriends. It seems to me he was just suggesting they might have sex on the weekend, not saying they definitely would be.

I feel for husbands/boyfriends who it seems are just expected to know, intuitively, the exact right way how to seduce their wives/girlfriends.

I would tell him everything you have written here. It doesn't sound like you're particularly bothered if it works out of not, so you don't have much to lose.

@MrsTerryPratchett Obviously if a woman clearly tells a man an approach isn't working and he persists, then he's being insensitive and rude. But OP hasn't given him any clear feedback to his hints. If women won't give men clear feedback (such as in this case, that she's simply not attracted to him at all), how can men know what they want?

She does tell him no and: Then when I don't want to I have to put up with the inevitable sulking where he flounces downstairs and is morose for the next day. So she's using excuses and soft nos to avoid the day-long sulks and huffs. I don't think it's as easy as just telling him she doesn't fancy him anymore. I guess she's not ready for the fallout.

I am not sure what exactly is holding OP there, apart from her own fears and feeling emotionally responsible for him somehow.

I am just scared of hurting him (as I don't hate him!), and what will happen next. He might try to chuck me out but I have nowhere to go right now. He just came up to me as I was rushing to join a work call and said "kiss please". When I said I was in a hurry - he pulled a face until I came down the stairs and kissed him. He said you don't seem very interested in being affectionate, so I just said "no, because I'm working right now" and went back upstairs. I feel shit and so guilty about it all.

Is he pestering for attention, affection, company because he is sensing how you feel? He's insecure because he senses that you've checked out of the relationship, yet you've not told him and so he's constantly asking for reassurance that everything is ok.

You really need to tell him how you feel. It isn't fair on him that you're now basically just tolerating him because you haven't got anywhere to live and it's not fair on you because you don't want to have to.maintain the facade of a relationship with him.

Yes, I think he is sensing something is not right. I am battling with my emotions and wondering whether it is the lockdown magnifying everything and making me hyper-sensitive to stuff. I don't want to make a decision I might regret.

So how about working on where you can go and making an exit plan?

You must know this is untenable, right? You're not going to suddenly flip a switch and want to spend every waking minute with him for the rest of your life. And nothing less is going to satisfy him. And you can't be making him happy if you're pushing him away all the time however subtly.

So yes, if you leave him, you're going to hurt him. But he will recover and move on. That's what people do.

So, you can't stand being in the guys presence, you've only been together 5 minutes and you've already moved in, he's a needy, jealous, controlling arsehole and yet your actually considering having a child with him??? Give me strength

I don't want to make a decision I might regret.

But you said you knew from the first date that you weren't really that into him. Fourteen months later and you can't bear him, don't want to have sex with him and are rejecting him all the time. You're not being fair to him at all by stringing him along like this.

There's no way back from the Ick

So true.

OP you say he has no idea about how you feel but the way you describe him and what's going on, he must do, he must sense something. Lack of sex being one thing and the sulking, ugh I despise sulking.