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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t keep me updated

99 replies

HayHoe · 22/04/2020 08:41

For some reason my husband struggles to let me know when he’s coming home from work or if he gives a time he rarely sticks to it and is always between 10 - 45 mins late. Yesterday, he said 6pm so I factored in an extra 20 mins. He was back at 6.45pm. He works 5 mins down the road. I know it’s petty but I have 5 kids I’m home with every day and although I cope well I just mentally prepare for the load to be lightened, the conversation etc. I don’t get why he can’t keep me updated at least so I’m not waiting blindly thinking he’ll be home any minute. Does anyone have experience of this/suggestions of how to deal with it?

OP posts:
Whaddyathinkofthis · 22/04/2020 08:47

What's causing the delay? Is he chatting with colleagues at the end of the day? Finishing up stuff? Is it the unaccounted for half hour that bothers you or the waiting?

My exh used to do this. I explained to him once that the time he got home (from anywhere) was irrelevant to me and that I'd rather he were honest about the time he expected to be back.

It was something he'd learnt from his parents where one would say, "I'll be home in 20 minutes" and then not come back for an hour. He thought it would be preferable to me to give a shorter time and be late than to tell me outright he'd be an hour.

Once he understood that it was 'distressing' (because it is, you're on high alert for that whole time esp if your at home with children!) then he stopped doing it.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Original poster
HayHoe · 22/04/2020 09:07

He works for himself and I know he’s just finishing off stuff so I don’t begrudge it at all. It’s just exactly as you say, I’m on high alert and it’s draining.

I used to object to him not being home to eat as a family but I’m over that now. Then for ages he wouldn’t even tell me when he’s coming home until the last minute but I had to explain that made life really difficult with regards to food prep (sometimes he’d be home to eat with us and sometimes not).

I’ve explained but he won’t acknowledge it. He just comes home pretending everything is well with the world and objects to me being cross.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/04/2020 09:51

Don't prep him food then, make your dinner and let him eat when he gets back

noavailablename · 22/04/2020 13:30

Just batch cook. He can heat up his portion when he gets home.
He will either decide to function separately, or that he misses joining his family for meals.

FizzyPink · 22/04/2020 13:33

Oh no my DP is the opposite and I get constant updates on his movements! I love having just an hour on my own at home at the moment, I don’t need a phone call to tell me about how windy it is and how he can’t film what he needed to so will be coming home early. Tell me that when you get home!

SandyY2K · 22/04/2020 13:50

I would be irritated if I had to let my spouse know the time I'd be home from work every day...it just feels stifling to me.

I like to be free to pop to the shops after work if I choose to, without phoning to report home like I'm on probation.

I think you being a SAHM is a factor in all this, because you've got no other focus in the day, but the kids.

I assume some of them are usually in school though.

Whaddyathinkofthis · 22/04/2020 19:15

In that case, stop food prepping for him. Or waiting for him.

Feed yourself and the children. If he's there, he eats with you, if he's not, he doesn't.

If it's something that'll rehearse, he can rehearse it, if not, tough.

Then, if he complains, say, "well, you told me you'd be back at X time..."

Whaddyathinkofthis · 22/04/2020 19:18

My exh genuinely didnt realise.

He thought I'd prefer to hear, "I'm on my way" or, "I'll be home at 10" and then him be late than being given a more realistic later time.

If he feels the impact of it then he'll start to realise. Or not. But it will have stopped being your problem. Just get on with what you have to do and he'll be home when he's home.

If he complains, just tell him it is a better routine for the children and makes it easier for you when he's not there. He'll either get it and respond or he won't.

Original poster
HayHoe · 22/04/2020 20:08

Thanks for the replies..

I home ed so very busy and fulfilled. Just helps with logistics.

Yeah, going to leave him to it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2020 20:11

Lots of manky reheated meals in the microwave for him then.

You could turn tables on him in a way and just tell him what time you are dishing up. His choice to turn up on time or to have it reheated 🤷🏽‍♀️

Whaddyathinkofthis · 22/04/2020 20:15

You could turn tables on him in a way and just tell him what time you are dishing up. His choice to turn up on time or to have it reheated

That's a brilliant idea actually. He can hardly complain if he hasn't got back in time.

lovebeingmum · 22/04/2020 20:20

Give him a break , he’s working, the external world doesn’t revolve around your household

DeeCeeCherry · 22/04/2020 20:27

This isn't about him being home for meals is it? As you've already gotten over that. Seems from your post that you're drained after being with 5 kids morning till evening. I guess HomeEd is your choice but then if you need him to be there so you can have downtime and him to lighten the load, then assuming he's interacting with the children at that time, when he gets in from work - where is your downtime together as a couple? It just all sounds stressful and full-on for you. Aside from that it's not as if he's home hours late, so probably best to leave him to it rather than be rigid about time.

Original poster
HayHoe · 22/04/2020 20:35

No, it really is. I cope well with things here and just desire the basic courtesy of being kept in the picture (within reason - 10 mins is understandable) as would anyone who is expecting someone imminently and preparing accordingly. Kids are always in bed on time and we have lots of time to rest/relax.

Have done the ‘I’m dishing up at *’ for roasts and that usually works if we’ve agreed it beforehand but otherwise he’s fine with it just left to one side.

OP posts:
Justtryingtobehelpful · 22/04/2020 20:35

Get him to share his location with you on Google Maps. Means you have a real time snap of where he is. That's what we do and it makes me happier. I too was in a similar situation. Now, I can see when he's left work and figure out what time he'll be back. Took me off high alert. You can leave it on constantly or do a short time share.

RandomMess · 22/04/2020 20:37

It's just rude and disrespectful to basically well LIE about when he will be home.

Nothing says how little you matter with behaviour like that.

PippaPegg · 22/04/2020 20:39

He clearly doesn't give a fuck about having his dinner on the table then. Let him use the microwave. To be honest I'm shocked you would make 5 kids wait for dinner based on daddy appearing or not!

QuentinWinters · 22/04/2020 20:42

I used to do this to ex h and it was a few things:

  1. early evening is peak work time for me so I'd often get really stuck into things and not notice the time Blush
  2. he wanted to eat earlier than me so used to suggest a meal time I could only make if I left absolutely bang on home time so no latitude for urgent tasks/overrunning meetings
  3. he used to get pissy if I phoned to say I would be later than he wanted so I used to just say best case scenario of no road hold ups etc and then (obviously) that would often not pan out

I wonder if in your case he also is avoiding dealing with the kids the minute he gets in. Very unreasonable.

I don't have any advice really, apart from talk to him.about why it happens

QuentinWinters · 22/04/2020 20:43

Very unreasonable of him not you, btw

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2020 20:44

I disagree with a lot of people on here! It's common courtesy to let the other parent know when you'll be back. And he's not early, he's always late so it's not a vagueness thing.

Constant lateness in my exH was a sign that he felt everyone was slightly less important than him.

Whathewhatnow · 22/04/2020 20:48

Ok so he gets home at e.g. 7pm. You've told him you are planning on going out at 815, well,. It's got to be a run or a walk these days I guess. Anyway, he comes in door, you say... oh, 815 nah I'm.going right now. Cheery wave, off you go, bye DH! make sure to stay our till past the children's tea and bed time. If you come back and they are still unfed/ awake, you just say oh I'm so tired. Night night! It sounds childish but that is what he is effectively doing in this situation. Turn the tables.

Original poster
HayHoe · 22/04/2020 20:51

The kids and I have actually been having cooked meals at lunch time and I like to prepare his things while I’m in the kitchen giving them tea. We’re not waiting for him. Once I’ve breastfed the baby and start to feel sleepy going down and preparing food is a huge ordeal, lol.

He’d never agree to Googlemaps but I know he’s in his office down the road - he’s just tying up loose ends.

OP posts:
Aly92 · 22/04/2020 20:52

I got tired of asking his shift every day and asked for his weekly timesheet . He didn’t give it up easy but I was adamant just saved me having to constantly ask him.

Original poster
HayHoe · 22/04/2020 20:55

Good to know it’s not just me.

OP posts:
Jupiter202020201 · 22/04/2020 21:23

This would really annoy me. I know what you mean about mentally preparing for some help to be on hand at a certain time. It’s inconsiderate of him in all honesty. He needs to suggest a time he can stick to as small as it may seem to him, this consistent lateness every day would really get to me so I’m with you.

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