Husband won’t keep me updated

[HayHoe]

For some reason my husband struggles to let me know when he’s coming home from work or if he gives a time he rarely sticks to it and is always between 10 - 45 mins late. Yesterday, he said 6pm so I factored in an extra 20 mins. He was back at 6.45pm. He works 5 mins down the road. I know it’s petty but I have 5 kids I’m home with every day and although I cope well I just mentally prepare for the load to be lightened, the conversation etc. I don’t get why he can’t keep me updated at least so I’m not waiting blindly thinking he’ll be home any minute. Does anyone have experience of this/suggestions of how to deal with it?

Like sandy it would annoy me if dp expected me to report my every move. And if like a pp he asked me to share my location on google maps so he could track me, he'd soon be an ex dp. And ditto if I felt the need to stalk him.

Sorry, OP, but I wouldn’t tolerate my DP demanding to be given a running commentary on what time I would be home from work, or wherever, every day.

If a man was behaving like that toward his wife, there is a word which would be used on MN to describe it.

Controlling.

Get him to share his location with you on Google Maps.

If any partner of mine suggested this, he would get a very blunt two-word reply.

Massive red flag.

I would feel smothered if my partner wanted to know my work finish time very evening. It sounds as if you want to be with the DC all day and I assume you want him to be the main earner. As long as he pulls his weight generally with the DC and family life, I'd suggest you never ask him again what time he'll be home. As others said, batch cook and let him reheat it.

@lovebeingmum

So does her work not count then because it happens in the house? Of course it does. Also, his five children deserve to have their father there too.

OP, he's treating you like shit. What he's saying through his actions is that he and his work is more important than you or his children. Once lockdown is ear, just pop the kids in the car at 5.40 and drop them at his then bugger off by yourself. See how he likes it.

I don't think you can expect to be given precise information of the sort you desire.

And he obviously agrees.

You don't need the precision you seem to crave, so it would be best to get used to it.

@AgeLikeWine I don't think the op is demanding that she has a running commentary and exact timing. She just wants him to stop lying to her, and to turn up when he says he is going to turn up.

When people are waiting for you, it is really bad manners and inconsiderate to be perpetually late. Especially when you work 5 minutes away from home. And you have five children.

I would be irritated if I had to let my spouse know the time I'd be home from work every day...it just feels stifling to me.

I agree with this if he's within an hour or so of expected time then that's good enough for me. I'd hate to have to be home within 10 mins or else some of these suggested threats and punishments!

@TrainspottingWelsh I got sick of being text at 7.30pm that he'd be back at 9 30pm, when is expected him at 7.20pm. I don't mind doing the whole nighttime routine but myself but dislike it being sprung on me. If he's not left by 6.20pm he's not expected home for dinner. Whilst he'd tell me not to expect him, it was unreasonable as I too would be mentally preparing for him the arrive home. Works for us.

OP, it's not a case of knowing where he is, it's more a case of seeing he's still at work or walking down the road. Answers your question without any input from him.

Friendsofmine

Agreed.
But it really depends what he expects when he gets in.
If he expects food / you to be up waiting then he should message you.
If he expects some kind of food for warming up he should say so and you might be in bed and the house is quite.
If he expects nothing and communicate nothing at all.... well anything could be concluded....
Who knows.
But if the last one I guess it depends on how strong the relationship in question is.....

@TrainspottingWelsh

Like sandy it would annoy me if dp expected me to report my every move. And if like a pp he asked me to share my location on google maps so he could track me, he'd soon be an ex dp. And ditto if I felt the need to stalk him.

Absolutely. Thank you.
I will not be monitored like a prisoner released on a tag or on parole.

Sometimes I'm about to leave work and I get pulled into an urgent matter. I'm not on release from prison FFS.

When people are waiting for you, it is really bad manners and inconsiderate to be perpetually late.

Then don't wait...get on with what you need to do. Don't make your world revolve around your kids and husband, or you lose your own identity in all this.

This is why when such relationships break down, you just crumble...because life is just kids and DH. No life without them.

I never 'waited' for my DH to come home, even when I was on mat leave. I get on with my day.

Sometimes he came home from work and I was out with the kids...I went to visit family and relax.

If I had cooked then he could help himself and eat. All this dated thinking of put 'his dinner on' just isn't my way really.

I've seen a few threads where wives ask for location to be shared to get the dinner ready. Or some have secretly put a GPS tracker on his phone for this purpose. Very sad indeed.

A pp said he was abusive and I totally disagree. Stop asking when he'll be home and see him when he arrives...the constant daily asking would really grate on my nerves.

Get him to share his location with you on Google Maps

Fuck me. If you think this is an acceptable way to treat a partner then I honestly think you need help with your issues.

He doesn't mind having his meal put to one side. He's never more than 10-45 mins 'late'. You manage well at home, and you both have plenty of rest/relaxation time. I'm not sure what the issue is.

I let my DP know if I'm not going to be home within an hour of finishing work. However I dont expect anyone to wait to eat for me if I am running later, in fact I am grumpy if I get home late as something urgent comes up and the children haven't been fed.

I always give advance notice of work functions where I will definitely be out.

I get where you're coming from OP. If you say you're going to be back at a certain time, it's rude to turn up significantly later than that without letting the other person know. If you can't predict when you'll be home or can only give a vague idea, just say so.

DH used to do this all the time and it drove me mad until we realised that we think about time differently. If he said he'd be back at 6 and turned up at 6.30 I would consider that to be late but he would think he was on time. Now he says 6ish and I expect him at some point before 7. Happy days.

I have this but more because my husband works away a lot and can't ever finish a job in the timeframe he thinks he can. I have him on find my friends (iPhone app). I can set it to tell me when he leaves and it'll tell me how far away he is (time and distance). Plus I'm not ringing him when he's driving for giving the kids false expectation of whether or not he'll be home before bedtime. It's saved so many arguments.

And conversely to a lot of people's opinions he says he like me being able to know where he is!!

Wow. If my partner expected to keep tabs on me and demanded to know what time I'd be back every night and then got mad when I wasn't home on time, I'd be pissed off. I'm a grown adult and if I want to stop for a chat with colleagues after work, then I will without fear of getting it in the neck when I get home. I am not a child, nor anyones property to be kept tabs on.

If he finishes work at say 6pm and lives 5 mins from work, then it's enough to tell him that his tea will be on the table by 6.30pm every night. If he's late, then he can reheat it. Simple.

I don’t agree that objecting to being given false information that affects me is synonymous with being controlling/asking him to report every move/keeping tabs on him/demanding a running commentary/monitoring him like a prisoner. That’s just hyperbole. We both do our own thing all day and we’re both happy with that.

My understanding was that we’re a family so we do things together like eating and putting OUR children to bed and not for the physical sharing of the job aspect but because they’re people to interact with that he is partly responsible (for bearing in mind he wakes at 7am and leaves at 8am). As I said I accept now that’s not his priority and happily go about enjoying this time with them.

Despite that I still think that it’s etiquette to let the people your presence impacts know what your plans are.

This all really depends what he is doing.
If he was off drinking at the pub than you would have a point, but it seems that he is actually working and as he is the main (only?) wage earner he will feel under pressure to keep his job.
This shouldn't be a battle and you should both see each others side, but at the end of the day, it is important that he has a wage coming in and he maybe be at the beck and call of others to do this.

DH did this, still does. 4 years of it and I've had enough. He cycles home down a remote track which is very steep and quite dangerous, also very busy rural roads, had an accident some years ago, so I am nervous.. Told him so many times, if you came off your bike up there, I wouldn't look for you for several hours, because he could sometimes be home within a 3 hr window, I'd have no idea. He often forgot his phone or it wasn't charged. I tried find my phone apps, he ignored them, tried location sharing, asked him to send me a text when leaving. Did none of it.
He used to be so late some nights I'd have spent the whole day alone with the kids, or at work and have put the kids to bed and be thinking about going to bed before he'd be back. He would miss times I needed to be somewhere, or wanted to go out for a run, or when I needed to collect the eldest... I'd end up ringing round asking for lifts or putting my son in the car after he'd been in bed for a while, because he'd forgotten what day it was.
Basically it was a big fuck you, my job is more important than your feelings, the kids, or the things you need to do.
He's going to be ExDH this year.

My husband is back at weird and wonderful times, and when asked, can never give me an accurate time that he’ll be home, because it’s impossible to predict. I just tell him tea will be ready for XY time, and plate his up and leave it. If he’s there, ideal. If not, well he can microwave it later. I don’t see the need to know exactly when he’s coming home, I’m not going to break my back trying to be the perfect housewife having his tea hot on the table when he walks in the door, and he wouldn’t expect that either.
This is obviously presuming that the main issue is as you say it is, regarding food.
If it’s more that you don’t like the hours he works etc, then it’s another discussion altogether.

It depends on the job really.
I had a demanding job and did this for years to my DH who would be home first and doing child care, dinner, etc.
Yes, I had a supposed time the work day ended for me (6pm) but I was a salary employee with the expectation that any extra hours needed would be worked.
But often, I’d update my DH at 4pm saying days gone great, will definitely be leaving at 6pm. And then the phone rings at 5pm and it’s a critical issue or emergency meeting that I cannot skip. Next thing I know, it’s 8pm and I’m calling DH to apologise and say I’m on my way.
I’d even be called in on weekends, so some Saturdays he’d wake up to find that I was called back to work at 1am and had left him a note.

He got really difficult for him and we had fights until he basically understood it was not something I could control.

This would really annoy me (you, not him). Why do you need to know down to the minute when he’s going to be home? If you and the children eat your hot meals at lunchtime, then what’s the problem with just leaving his on the side to heat up? From the sounds of things he’s only minutes late and he’s probably not doing it on purpose. It’s big like he’s 3 hours late every night or even staying out all night. He’s out working all day and is just home later than anticipated some times. This sounds a bit controlling imo

My exh was like this, from the time we had dc1 onwards.

Before kids we always used to tell each other when we’d be home (give or take) to time dinner etc.

Then suddenly I was at home with a sick child with very high needs (at the time) and he wouldn’t tell me. Wouldn’t answer messages or his phone if I asked. I told him several times that it bothered me but he steadfastly refused to give me any idea - the job we both did at the time (but I had maternity leave) doesn’t finish at any kind of set time so it’s important to keep in touch.

I’ve heard it likened to doing press ups and you think you have to do a certain number, but when you’ve almost finished someone comes along and says “no, do another 10” or even “just keep going til I say”.

I did eventually get in the habit of just eating when it suited men- and when dd was a bit little older, even when I was back at work I’d be the one to be home first as someone had to get there - and we’d just have a set mealtime of 6.

Then when we were breaking up exh said it bothered him that he always had to eat alone and we’d eat without him!