Husband won’t keep me updated

[HayHoe]

For some reason my husband struggles to let me know when he’s coming home from work or if he gives a time he rarely sticks to it and is always between 10 - 45 mins late. Yesterday, he said 6pm so I factored in an extra 20 mins. He was back at 6.45pm. He works 5 mins down the road. I know it’s petty but I have 5 kids I’m home with every day and although I cope well I just mentally prepare for the load to be lightened, the conversation etc. I don’t get why he can’t keep me updated at least so I’m not waiting blindly thinking he’ll be home any minute. Does anyone have experience of this/suggestions of how to deal with it?

surely he can let you know he is heading home WHEN he is actually at the door/pc off/coat on

then you get an accurate ETA.

I totally get you OP. This happens to me most of the time. I'm often guilt tripped when I complain about it to him as he's "bringing a wage home ". I work 4 days a week so I am also earning. I also HAVE to leave at a set time , work demands/commitments or not, to collect the DC. It's stressful & I constantly prioritise the children over my needs , so it pisses me right off that my partner seems to think the DC aren't really his responsibility, aside from a weekend. And that he can't send a simple text when he's leaving so I know whether I'm going to have help at bedtime or not with two very young kids.
You helped create them, so surely you should share the care & the domestic load.

He doesn't want to be home 'on time' or let you know of changes cos he might be expected to interact with his own kids...take some hands on responsibility around the place.
That's your job and he's got you almost fully trained - you just need to get rid of this 'attitude' of feeling like you should be treated with at least basic courtesy and respect......

I think @monkeymonkey2010 nailed it. He doesn't want to be there for the evening shift of baby rearing. It suits him to come back when it's all done and just look after himself. Work is just an excuse. It's only five minutes down the road. Push it back on him. He comes home on time then once the dinner, baths and bedtime is sorted - he's free to return to work and complete whatever super important task he needs to do. I imagine the task will suddenly be able to wait till tomorrow. It's an excuse. A convenient reason to push the mental and physical load on to you.

Another way to push it back on him is our ask me - how can that happen? You said it's not about food, it's about having someone there to help and do their part in being part of the family. It's his responsibility to find a way to make that happen. If he's not willing to do that, then it's a question of will you be okay with that status quo until the children are older and more independent. Although, I suspect the grunt work of picking them up and dropping them off as teenager will also fall to you as the default carer.....

@Justtryingtobehelpful again, if dp said he needed to 'mentally prepare' for me arriving home, I would genuinely laugh and assume he was taking the piss.

@SandyY2K exactly. It isn't just work, sometimes one of us might just fancy calling in somewhere, or lose track of time because we're doing something we enjoy. We don't demand the teen dc give us the exact time they intend to be home, so we certainly wouldn't expect to run a daily itinerary past each other for approval.

Wow, some really disingenuous responses here. Big pats on the backs for you liberal women who can come and go as you please and not answer to anyone.

We happen to be a very family-orientated family (both from big families and siblings all have lots of children) hence the fact we’ve chosen to have five children (who are still very young and not teenagers) and for me to stay home with them all day. I’ve reflected on where my expectation comes from and I conclude it’s just an extension of the precedent that was set at the start of our marriage where that friendship, communication and desire to be together allowed things like that to be normal and acceptable.

To make courtesy conditional because he’s earning money is a dangerous precedent to set in a relationship. The only exception I would understand was if someone was under pressure and it physically wasn’t possible. Otherwise, it’s just disregard. He’s sat at his computer or worse case scenario on his phone which he always uses on speaker phone. When we’ve been round friends’ and stayed a bit late and forgotten to update him he’s been narked and hates it when guests are late to ours.

I’ve reflected more and think it’s about companionship in raising our children and being part of our family. I get some of you won’t understand this so I’d appreciate it if you keep the mocking comments to yourselves. Our relationship began with an email and we ended up emailing and texting each other countless times a day before our first day and then for a long time after. Now I’ve given up contacting him during the day because I get nothing back (even if he messages to see how I’m doing and I ask how his day is going in response; it’s just a generic reply) he’s clearly always preoccupied and I find it frustrating so would rather wait till we speak face-to-face. I am used to it now and it doesn’t bother me; like I said I have lots of my own interests/friends/achievements with the children. I think to not make it home for any meals during the week when you work 5 mins down the road is bizarre.. When I would fight for that he made it back a few times a week but always sat on his phone at the table. Since I gave up that battle that was the green light. Later and later... He has at times come back for dinner/bedtime and gone back to the office but sometimes I feel guilty and usually tell him not to worry and to finish up/I’ll deal with the kids then come back and we can relax. I literally ask him for nothing but a little bit of communication so we feel part of his life, like he’s actually bothered about seeing us.

He’s come home at 10pm the last two nights to punish me for daring to have an issue with him...

*first date

We have our evening meal at the same time each weekday ( weekends are, or used to be for fluid) and if anyone wants to eat, they turn up then. If the portions are tight, I'll dish up a serving for anyone running late ( who I know about) and set it under a dome near the microwave. That's as good as it gets in our house. It's a lot easier now that I know exactly how many to prep for!

Oh, an after thought, I'm guilty of working when the mood takes me and losing track of time too. The perks/ perils of being self employed can do this to you. Maybe you both just need to have a good old chat about each others lives currently. You both might find out stuff you hadn't realised ?

Bullshit behaviour on his part. Why father 5 children if you don’t want to see them and interact with them? Sorry OP he is being an arse.

"He’s come home at 10pm the last two nights to punish me for daring to have an issue with him..."

Twat

He's one of those arrogant superior fuckers who thinks he's above his wife and children, isn't he?

Your last update sets a totally different scene. Things don't sound good between you, you pulling and him pushing away. Whether this is because he thinks you are trying to control him, or you are trying to control him because you sense him pulling away, I don't know. Staying out til 10 - interpreted by you as a punishment (is this how your relationship works? I would have assumed 'affair' but my dh was an unfaithful twat) - is not sounding good
How is the relationship apart from this issue?

Does he "punish" you about other things?

My time management is not good so DH and I had the same issue about me communicating when I would be home. It affects the whole evening for the whole family after all.

The idea of justifying bad communication with bollocks like “I am bringing a wage home” never occurred to me. That really is an outrageous response.

I get it, OP. I now (well, before lockdown I would) tell DH in the afternoon whether I am likely to be late. I then text when I leave work.

No suggestions for how to resolve this with your DH, but you are certainly not being unreasonable.

With DP, if I'm not going to be back within my usual 45 minute range (public transport, so he's used to me walking through the door no earlier than quarter past), I tend to text him when I've just sat down on the bus and he can do the maths himself.

If it's all gone mammaries uppermost right at the end of the day and I'm pretty sure whatever has happened is going to take a long, long time to deal with, I normally message him to say I'm going to be late and will update once I'm on the bus.

The rest of the time, I don't message, as he knows roughly when I'm likely to be in.

However, with the ex, the sort of shit he gave me meant that 'company rules say I'm not allowed my phone at all during the day', and I deliberately found places to go for about an hour every day after work so he didn't know exactly how long it would take for me to get home - if he'd known that I could be home by 5.35pm each day, I'd have been getting 'Where are you? Who are you with?' messages by 5.37pm.

Oh hi OP's husband
I stand by my words, the truth hurts doesn't it?!
And I laughed at "holier" 🤣

So what’s he like when he’s looking after all the children and you come back 45 minutes after you said?

Why was my message deleted by MNHQ?

Deary me... He’s not been home since 8am and I’ve put the beautiful children to bed and he’d rather spend his time defending his honour to strangers...

This is him to a tee.. He knows he’s in the wrong but because I said ‘you’re bloody rude’ I get gaslighted and punished. You lot are in for it 😬

I was going to add that things were awful up until I had a miscarriage last summer. It was sobering for both of us but there were lots of promises of support, which frankly never materialised. And by support I will clarify I don’t EVER ask for physical support - I do EVERYTHING for the kids alone. I mean a bit of emotional support, just so I know I actually exist in his world. Guess I don’t...

Did you show him the thread or does he stalk you online?

I told him about it..

I didn’t see his comment but so pleased it was deleted.

From your update, a relationship where both have the opportunity to make mundane decisions independently has nothing to do with how family oriented they are, or how much they value each other's companionship, or anything else that you seem to think is linked.

Secondly, it doesn't sound as though he shares your philosophy or respects you for it.

This is the guy who will ask me to let him know when I leave my Pilates class so he can be ready for me despite the fact it’s the same time every week... Obviously that’s ok.