Husband won’t keep me updated

[HayHoe]

For some reason my husband struggles to let me know when he’s coming home from work or if he gives a time he rarely sticks to it and is always between 10 - 45 mins late. Yesterday, he said 6pm so I factored in an extra 20 mins. He was back at 6.45pm. He works 5 mins down the road. I know it’s petty but I have 5 kids I’m home with every day and although I cope well I just mentally prepare for the load to be lightened, the conversation etc. I don’t get why he can’t keep me updated at least so I’m not waiting blindly thinking he’ll be home any minute. Does anyone have experience of this/suggestions of how to deal with it?

Your recent posts indicate this is just another issue and you don't feel happy in the marriage.

I was just wondering if this is a new thing (him not keeping you updated) ..because you've got 5 children now and if he was doing this after child number 1, 2 or 3.... what made you carry on?

If he was always on time and supportive with the first couple of kids what's happened.

Did he want 5 kids?

It's also not a case of "you liberal women"..... you posted on a public forum and not everyone will have the same view as you do....but it's important to give a fuller picture, because it's clear there's more to it...not just him coming back late.

That doesn't mean you're being mocked.. it's just a difference of opinion.

I also don’t think it’s anything to do with “liberal women”. It’s a personal thing to you that you need to know a precise time. I’m quite happy with a ball park time that allows for last minute conversations, stops at the shop, heavy traffic etc and I also give the same sort of updates. Anything more precise would lead to stress. The only time we do hold each other to a particular time is when it is dependent on who is going to pick the kids up from school etc. Or we would update if going to be noticeably late. It works for us.

Sounds like you have bigger problems though maybe.

So he's on the thread but still at 'work'

Why tell him? For the drama?

Ahhh is this thread a 'witty' piss take of MN and it's liberal women?

And you're obviously still able to stay in quite good contact even if he's at work but has the time to read your messages and check MN....

Yes, I think it’s fair to say it’s personal and I note that those at home with children can empathise with me. I don’t appreciate the implied comparisons with extreme behaviour. Bear in mind he’s his own boss and is out and about multiple times a day and manages to fit in shopping when necessary.. don’t begrudge it at all but definitely not the lifestyle of someone who’s being controlled.

Re the references to people’s controlling exes..gosh if I’m so awful and controlling I think he should leave me.

@tit Of course....

I referenced some of the comments the day I started the thread to demonstrate I’m not alone in wanting to know when my spouse and kids’ father is coming home... he obviously looked it up. I haven’t text him/barely spoken to him for two days.

Maybe after lockdown I start insisting on a weekly girls’ night out just to put my demands into perspective.

@train I’d say someone family orientated is happy to do the little things that mean a lot to someone else.

It’s clearly avoidance and delay.
Does he avoid chores whilst he’s out.
He’s his own boss - he can cook his dinner.
5 children and home schooling - you deserve a medal.

Ah op you are not the controlling one, he is. He is keeping you on a string, making you wait, anticipate, plan. This is how he holds the power and at the same time avoids doing any family bonding/family work.

A word of warning for OP's husband, my dh was like you, we gave up waiting for him, just went around our business/family life and he could join or not. Our dc are adults now and don't have the connection with him they could have had, had he planned otherwise or not just seen his job as his only responsability.

@ladyhummingbee Thanks. He and his siblings all say that about their own dad. I worry history is repeating itself.

I am always upfront about how grateful I am for his hard work and he does a great job getting stuff done in the house but think he could do more with the kids.

@Mary1935 dinner/bedtime is intense but it’s not that bad - it’s minimal input from him.

I love what I do.

Sadly @hayhoe if he is a workaholic and not that invested in family life, he will only (perhaps) realize this when he is bordering 60 and cannot understand why his dc aren't that 'into him'.

Yeah, he’ll never get this time back. And they’re so lovely. That’s three nights he’s deliberately not been here to kiss them goodnight.

How is he, outside of COVID lockdown times, if he knows you’re going out for the evening, does he make it home at a set time to take over the DC’s?

That's sad op, thing is the more you try to tell him, the more he will feel you are forcing him and he will react like a teen being told off instead of stepping up.

Best of luck, I think your best chance is if someone he respects and who is not involve can get this through to him. (That's why I wrote to him earlier).

Yes, he does... I have noticed he’ll sometimes come back later than usual - so at the latest acceptable time before I need to go out but it doesn’t bother me so much then because it’s obviously not family time. Just clear he’s optimising the opportunity and seeing us isn’t a priority.

I don’t even care if he tells me he needs to work late. I just would appreciate not feeling invisible and taken for granted with the vague crap texts. I get he has loads of work but I hate feeling guilty for expecting him to be present/engage when he ‘has to run a business’.

I know what you mean.

I’m going to give him all the freedom he wants..

Thanks again for the replies. My sympathy to all those who’ve been through similar. It’s lonely...

It sounds like he doesn't see you as equals. He does the big important job therefore it's fine to keep you on tenterhooks waiting around wondering when he might choose to show up. But if you do the same to him it's not OK, because he's the one who is meant to be in control.

I couldn't be in a relationship with some pine who didn't treat me as an equal. And I would worry about what sort of example this sets. I'm sorry OP, I know it must be difficult.

I would say to him ( in an observant not a critical way) how he is replicating his Dads behaviour with his own children and missing out on having any sort of meaningful bond with them beyond distant uncle.

He can pretend he needs to work that hard and do DIY but the truth is he doesn't like parenthood, it's too much like hard work.

If he doesn't change you will soon realise that all he contributes is money...

You have a very full on life with so many children, a baby and home educating. Is that always or just in lockdown? If always it must be very difficult and you need to be frighteningly organised to do it all. I understand why you need everything to run on a very tight schedule, including mealtimes, but not everyone wants life to be like this. I'm sure your DH has to be very organised at work to run his own business, so maybe he doesn't want this constant accountability and tight schedule at home?

Either way leave it. Leave him alone after work. Provided he is genuinely working then leave him to it. He can either have a cold meal, or something reheated, freezer food, or even ready meal. He can even cook himself something. You don't have to 'manage' him along with the rest of the family.