He's moved out and wants 50:50 custody of DD

[paperweight1992]

I've been advised to start a new thread as I had wrote on here asking for advice on a few issues but yesterday things took a turn for the worse and my Husband continued to call me even worse names and be even more aggressive and I couldn't take it anymore so I asked a family member to come and get me and DD.

(He'd been wasting our money and getting us into financial strain and then telling me it's none of my business, keeping us awake on shouting his console all night then sleeping all day, not doing a single thing around the house or with DD, and anytime I asked him for help or suggested he wasn't being very nice I got called every name under the sun including bitch, the C word and fat. Ever since the lockdown and him not working he just has turned absolutely vile, and I know everyone is probably having a few issues but honestly it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't say anything to him or ask for any help because he'd just go absolutely nuts at me. The night before last I asked him to be quiet whilst he was gaming as he'd woken our DD, but he got so angry he came upstairs screaming and called me a bitch in front of her and was really aggressive.

He left the house and has gone to his moms for a while, so me and DD can have the house as obviously all of her stuff is here so it makes sense.

We've had absolutely no contact since yesterday and I've asked a family member of his if they will be the go between for a while until he cools down as I think if we speak any time soon he will just give me more abuse.

His family that I spoke to yesterday are implying he wants 50:50 custody of DD and whilst I am happy for him to see her, there's no way I'm happy with 50:50 custody. He has avoided her like the plague in this house, shown no interest in taking care of her and he hasn't had her for longer then 5 hours by himself since she was born. I'd be worried sick.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking that he's going to try and take her away from me today.

[thefourgp]

Sorry posted too soon- he refused to take them one Friday night then turned up on my doorstep demanding to take our eldest to the park. I said no you’re not messing them about. You were meant to have them all night. He was giving me the finger and banging on the window, shouting and swearing at me. Sorry to go on but there was so much and for nearly two years until I decided enough was enough last September. He lied to my solicitor saying I was doing drugs when taking care of the kids, he falsely reported to the benefits agency that my mum and myself were committing benefit fraud, he puts posts on social media telling people to choose between us and making out that he’s a victim. The thing is, anyone close to me knows he’s full of shit. Any acquaintance who chooses to believe his lies (and some do because I’ve never posted anything about him on social media) are not worth your time. I know the need to justify yourself is strong but you have to ignore it. We’re people pleasers. I don’t defend myself to anyone anymore. I was really hurt when one of his aunt’s and his cousin who I had always been really close to decided to defend him. They said I was creating drama etc. They’re no longer in my life. Don’t let his family convince you that you are being over sensitive. You’re not. You’ve been very brave in ending your relationship and you are ensuring your daughter won’t grow up thinking that’s normal behaviour.

[thefourgp]

Women’s aid were brilliant with me. As another poster has said, change all your passwords ASAP. Make sure all of you and your daughter’s important documents including passports, birth certificate are somewhere safe he cannot find them. If you have any joint bank accounts/savings accounts move half the funds into a sole account in your name. Speak to your doctor and your work manager about the stress you are under. Both of mine were brilliant and very supportive. I did have to go on medication and have counselling because the anxiety and stress made my physically and mentally ill. If I were you I would refuse to let him have your daughter whilst he’s not self isolating and then insist on set days and times once this is over. Children need routine and your daughter is too young to look after herself whilst with him. It’s going to be shit for a while but things will get better. I’m much more content and settled today than I’ve been in years.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Did he bring the car back? Legally he can only take it with your permission if it’s in your name. Is it in your name?

[Meckity1]

Is he invested in knowing where you are, as he can put a tracker on your car.

[paperweight1992]

@thefourgp thank you so much for replying!! I'm definitely going to speak to women's aid and my GP as my anxiety is just through the roof and I know I'm not going to be able to sleep and I really need to be alert obviously for little one!




He brought the car back, I was out on my walk with DD and when I got back the car was here and his vehicle had gone.

He's asked to take her for a walk tomorrow providing the weather is ok (through his mum), I think I'm going to say yes just because I think that's the right thing to do by DD. She loves him and providing he takes her for a walk and doesn't break any social distancing rules I think it's reasonable. Plus, it could be worse he could be insisting on a overnight so I feel like he's compromising (although I think this is more because he wouldn't cope as oppose to thinking of me or DD). What do you all think I should I say? It would free me up to do the shopping as well.

I'm going to log it with the police as suggested, I've been back and forth with this and I think because he's not here I felt less need to do it, but it definitely needs logging. I think it's only a matter of time before he kicks off again.

[BrooHaHa]

I think if you feel OK about it then it's OK to do it and shows that you're willing to facilitate child-focused access. Trust your gut on this one- if no alarm bells are ringing, go for it.

[thefourgp]

You’re welcome paperweight. I’m sorry it’s so long winded. My sister in law says Eastenders stories don’t have a patch on all the drama that’s gone on. Letting him take her for a walk sounds reasonable especially if she loves him. He can play the Disney dad for everyone else and you don’t have to worry about how he’ll care for her overnight for the time being. Things with my ex would calm down then blow up again regularly too. You sound level headed. Just remember not to let him push you into making quick decisions. Take your time thinking about what you want. Don’t stoop to his level in anger. I have been tempted so many times but I always took the high road and I’m glad about it.

[TippledPink]

Make sure you get an emergency residency order in place- if he takes her and doesn't return her you have no leg to stand on without it as you both have residency.

[CodenameVillanelle]

You won't get any emergency order unless he actually does something to warrant one. You can't get preemptive emergency orders.
Legal advice is a good idea though

[Mix56]

His mother is probably giving it to him in the neck, & he wont play games & scream in her house.

[paperweight1992]

He took his console and my tv with him (I say mine as it was my tv from before I met him that he punched and broke so he got me one to replace it). So he will be loving life at his mums, she thinks he's the blue eyed boy to his face but to me she says he's aggressive and needs help. I dont trust her to be honest but the bottom line is he's not here shouting at me or keeping DD awake. There's a lot to sort and I'm still a bit stressed but for the first time in a long time I am lay in bed feeling peaceful.
Can't thank you all enough for your support and advice x

[Starfish1234]

You’re doing the right thing by talking to woman’s aid and your GP. Get what’s going on documented now.
Best case you won’t need it, but in all likelihood he’s going to continue to be a nasty dickhead and the more evidence you’ve got of that the better.

Also, do something to stop him getting back in. Key in the lock/chain across maybe? Of course you’re only doing this as you’re home alone, you’re not deliberately excluding him from his home.....maybe a key will break in the lock and require changing? Shame you can’t get him a new copy easily...

[thefourgp]

Don’t count on it Mix56. I bought all my MIL’s presents, took her on days out, took the kids to see her, dragged him through to see her on her birthday/Christmas etc. She constantly complained she never saw or heard from him unless he wanted something.

She has never spoken to me since we separated. She criticises me to anyone who will listen. How dare I leave her precious perfect son? I never appreciated him etc. It makes her life easier because she doesn’t have to confront his aggressive behaviour or take any responsibility for raising such a terrible husband and father.

[thefourgp]

Sleep well paperweight. Mumsnet can be a really useful tool for sorting your thoughts and getting the right support/information you need. You’ll be fine.

[timeisnotaline]

Sleep well! And in the morning do log it with police. It could be really important. Do you have owner details of the car? Take the book etc out of the car so you have lots of evidence it’s yours if he does take it, you can go straight to the police.

[GilbertMarkham]

I imagine it's to do with child support - he's realised that if he has the child 50% of the time, he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

Yeah this was my first thought.

He's trying to get out of child maintenance.

Most men like this try this but when it comes down to it are so useless, lazy etc. they end up barely having it not seeing the child at all.

They try to dump the child on family members when they have them too - I'm not sure how the courts etc see that and I suppose it's difficult to prove until the child can talk and say who looked after them most of the time. Does anyone know how this is viewed if it happens?

[paperweight1992]

Slept really well, feel so peaceful and relaxed this morning. Can't believe how much nicer the house is without him here and this is going to sound weird but I'm actually finding it easier to take care of DD, I know he didn't help before but I guess he was a pair of eyes occasionally, but oddly enough, I feel like we're just plodding on quite nicely.

I'm aware it's day 3 and I shouldn't get too excited but for now I feel good and so certain I've done the right thing. I think if I still loved him I'd be missing him even a little bit by now. I feel nothing for him, not even anger tbh.

@thefourgp that is EXACTLY how his mother will be. She's one of these people that proclaims she never gossips and hates getting involved but all I've ever heard her do is gossip and stick her nose in - I want to scream just stop lying and own it you're a busy body!! Blocking the family has done me a favour but I am sad they'll be bad mouthing me with lies to people but there's nothing I can do.

[billy1966]

OP,
Don't concern yourself with what your MIL may or may not say about you.

You have thrown her son out in a lockdown.
You have a young child.
Whatever she decides to say to anyone, believe me, that they will nod at her but will read between the lines.

Good men don't get thrown out of their homes.

What she says about you has absolutely no bearing on anything.
Your family and friends know the truth.

Focus on contacting the police and GP and doing the right thing for your daughter.

Be a strong example to her.

Log the details of his abuse of you with police and GP.

That is what a strong woman would do.

[ALovelyBitOfSquirrel]

I'm so glad you're sleeping well OP. You're doing really well, stay strong!

[pickingdaisies]

Great update OP, glad you're feeling so much better. Hope you're feeling ready to start logging what he's been doing to you. Stay strong x

[cantarina]

Brilliant OP, a good sign that you are so positive. Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you aren't carrying that huge load you had last week. Onward and upward!

Let the MIL say what she wants, you know the truth and those who have any sense can read between the lines and work it out. Let him misbehave, threaten 50:50 custody and the rest, you can stay strong and shrug it off, you'll find support here and hopefully from others in real life who have better qualities than your ex and his family.

[paperweight1992]

So he took her for a walk for 45 mins and then when he brought her back I asked if he'd like to have her for a bit longer (I said I'd go for a walk), he said no. I had to do my best not to laugh! - don't get me wrong I don't mind him only having her for a short time but he's running around saying he wants 50:50 custody and that he's worried I won't let him see her, he's very shady.

Anyway, it was fine other than me asking if he'd leave his keys (which have a set of my car keys on) he said no. He was furious I asked to be honest. He said whilst he's still paying for the house he has a right to have keys. Luckily our new month starts tomorrow so by that rule I should be able to get them back then but I bet there will be another excuse tomorrow!

We only rent so I'm intending on speaking to the landlady and just telling her the truth about it all, she knows me well and trusts me so I think she will let me keep the house on my own and if he still won't give me the keys I'll ask if I can pay for the locks to be changed with landlady's permission. Not sure what I'll do about the car mind you.

He kept asking why I needed them back and who I planned on giving them to - I informed him that's not why I want them back and he said we could have the house and we're going to be here due to lockdown so if he needs anything he can let me know he's coming and I can sort them out. There's no reason whatsoever he'd need a key I think it's just the only bit of control he's got now.

Whilst we're in I bolt the door anyway so he can't get in, I'm just worried he will get bored at his mums and come back when we're out or even worse whilst we're here and just demand entry.

It's frustrating because I offered for me and DD to leave and him and his family insisted he left and we stayed. So it just doesn't make sense but he's gone for another day now and I made sure we have a plan for tomorrow so I don't need to worry about that all day. He's going to have her whilst I go food shopping and we've agreed a time.

I remembered that the new bike was collectible today anyway so hopefully that will keep him busy and out of our hair for a while!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

No surprise that he was happy with 45 mins as he sounds like a lazy good for nothing. Well done for not rising to it and calling him out on his behaviour.

[Itsallgonewoowoo]

Just in case you missed a previous posters idea I'll second it. Is it possible he has put a tracker on your car?

[BendyLikeBeckham]

I was on your other thread OP.

So pleased to hear you've got rid of him. Don't let him back in.

As soon as you can, check to see if has put a tracker on your car. Why else would he need to have it for 2 hours when he has his own car?