He's moved out and wants 50:50 custody of DD

[paperweight1992]

I've been advised to start a new thread as I had wrote on here asking for advice on a few issues but yesterday things took a turn for the worse and my Husband continued to call me even worse names and be even more aggressive and I couldn't take it anymore so I asked a family member to come and get me and DD.

(He'd been wasting our money and getting us into financial strain and then telling me it's none of my business, keeping us awake on shouting his console all night then sleeping all day, not doing a single thing around the house or with DD, and anytime I asked him for help or suggested he wasn't being very nice I got called every name under the sun including bitch, the C word and fat. Ever since the lockdown and him not working he just has turned absolutely vile, and I know everyone is probably having a few issues but honestly it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't say anything to him or ask for any help because he'd just go absolutely nuts at me. The night before last I asked him to be quiet whilst he was gaming as he'd woken our DD, but he got so angry he came upstairs screaming and called me a bitch in front of her and was really aggressive.

He left the house and has gone to his moms for a while, so me and DD can have the house as obviously all of her stuff is here so it makes sense.

We've had absolutely no contact since yesterday and I've asked a family member of his if they will be the go between for a while until he cools down as I think if we speak any time soon he will just give me more abuse.

His family that I spoke to yesterday are implying he wants 50:50 custody of DD and whilst I am happy for him to see her, there's no way I'm happy with 50:50 custody. He has avoided her like the plague in this house, shown no interest in taking care of her and he hasn't had her for longer then 5 hours by himself since she was born. I'd be worried sick.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking that he's going to try and take her away from me today.

[Ulver]

@paperweight1992
Threatening you is abuse and you should write a detailed report of all of his threats and general coersive behaviour and submit it online as well as emailing it to a friend. Ring the police and submit a report as well and get a crime no.
He won’t like it but it’s necessary.

[Ulver]

@paperweight1992

Put a timeline in your report with dates. Outline the main threats and that he’s said you are “lucky” he’s not hitting you.

[MzHz]

I absolutely agree with you contacting the police, you need to get their help, you need to get this lodged as abuse as it will help you in the future.

Oh and for the love of god STOP TALKING TO HIS FAMILY!

How do you think he became this way? They are who made him and who allowed him to be abusive. Decent people would be horrified at how you have been treated and they’d be banging on HIS door wanting to know wtf he thinks he’s doing treating you like this.

If nothing else, they will be reporting back to him.

So if they call, tell them how dd is and bland stuff, don’t discuss him or your relationship at all.

THEY WANT YOU TO BE BACK IN THE ABUSE, so don’t give them airtime.

Do you have a good family and friends? Tell them what’s going on and only allow those into your immediate circle who support you getting away from this man

I’ve been there and it’s awful when people you trusted seemingly have a vested interest in you suffering.

[ALovelyBitOfSquirrel]

At the end of the day, imagine if he reversed the tables and you only had eow contact how you'd feel, yet this is being wanted in effect for him

@solomummy you mean if OP was an aggressive piece of shit that had behaved like an angry teenager instead of spouse /parent and abused and bullied him? Ffs.

Read the OPs other thread if you can't be bothered to read these posts. Get the whole story before you come out with such nonsense.

I'm so glad he's gone OP. I was on your other thread and I was worried for you and DD. Well done

[MzHz]

He hasn’t hit you.. yet.

But he absolutely would do.

He also absolutely would hit your dd at some point.

He’d hurt her to hurt you.

Get him out of your lives as much as is possible and never let him back under your roof

By filing police reports you’re helping yourself keep you and your little one safe.

[Ulver]

He likely has mental heat issues. My sisters ex has had psychotic episodes etc and he constantly called her crazy, me crazy, his ex was crazy. It’s projecting. He is the one who is losing it but won’t accept it.
So many men do this.

[Ulver]

Mental health 👀

[paperweight1992]

How do I go about him seeing her now though? He's asked a family member to be the go between. I know he will want to see her today which I don't mind for a couple of hours providing he sticks to the rules RE social distancing etc. But I don't want to see him, especially not on our own. I don't think he will hurt me but he will definitely shout at me.

Also, if I say no, they will either turn up at the house or say they're calling the police (he's said before if I didn't let him see DD he'd call the police).

I just want to keep the peace as much as possible but I don't really want to see or speak to him or his family tbh. I honestly just want to enjoy this peaceful time with DD but I'm constantly panicking waiting for one of them to contact me.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Can you go out? I know that's against the rules but could you combine it with your food shop and leave them in the house for an hour or so? Do you trust him?

[FallonSwift]

Some advice:

1. Stop talking to his family. Blood is thicker than water, and they will take his side regardless of how much of an arsehole he is. It's so common for ILs to minimise abuse, because they don't like the status quo being changed. Plus they have a vested interest in getting rid of him out of their house and back into yours.

1. Find a trusted family member of your own and make them the go-between - the discussions are between your H and you only. Not his family; if they have something to say then they need to talk to him. Otherwise it's none of their business.

1. As soon as you can, see a solicitor. Start the ball rolling on a divorce. You can thrash out child access as part of that. The chances of him actually wanting 50/50 are almost none, if he's shown no interest in his DD when he was in the house. He's saying it to frighten you into backing off. I suspect if you were to say that 50/50 access is fine, but that the other parent has first refusal if DD isn't being looked after by Mum/Dad, then he'd back straight off once he realised that he couldn't just dump her on his family.

1. If you haven't done so already, look at 'entitled to' and see if there are benefits that can help. Get a claim in with CMS - don't go direct with him, as he'll use it as a tool to control you.

1. Do the freedom programme.

[Ulver]

Let him call the police.
He should only be seeing your daughter under supervision.
Also what games is your husband playing? If they are violent slasher/ shoot em up games I would be very concerned.

[RainMinusBow]

I left my abusive ex-husband six years ago. Apart from physical, I'd suffered evert other form of abuse possible. My boys were just three and six.
Still in place to this day, he still controls and hurts me wherever possible and my eldest has significant MH issues. No maintenance payable despite a massive difference in earnings.
50/50 is simply not best for anyone if ex is abusive. I hope now we're in 2020 the powers that be recognise factors such as coercive control. Fight all of the way and make sure you have good legal representation. Best of luck x

[Ulver]

He is obviously addicted to these games and is prioritising them over his wife and child. He needs to enrol in an addiction / anger management programme.

[Ulver]

You need to get in from of this and contact the police now yourself and explain your situation.
ASAP

[Mix56]

He has gone to another house, he isn't self isolating. You cannot have your Child/him coming & going.
We are in lock down, you can refuse contact.
He is abusive, you need to contact the police & alert them he is agressive, & is emotionally abusing you. This is necessary for your paper trail. He will not get 50/50. He has never parented your DD, you are primary carer, he is abusive, manipulative, he wakes his own child screaming at night. He threatens you & uses coercive abuse to control you.
Please contact the domestic violence number & report.

[NotStayingIn]

If you are at any point alone with him, which I hope you will not be, try and very discretely have your phone on record. If you can do it safely. And try and get the bulk of any communications via text or email.

[Barton10]

The police won’t do anything. There is no court order so let him call them. You can then give your side of the story. At 14 months your DD is far too young for shared custody and it wouldn’t be in her best interests which is what any Court would be looking at.

[CodenameVillanelle]

@Mix56 it's permitted for children to move between households for reasons of contact with non resident parents and she CAN'T just refuse contact or insist on supervised. There is no evidence of his abuse or that the child won't be safe in his care.
It's never wise for mums to refuse contact without evidenced good reason to a man who is likely to pursue contact legally - It WILL be thrown in her face. She needs documented evidence of the abuse and she needs to show that she's promoted safe, child focused contact

[thefourgp]

I’ve been in your position OP and it’s truly awful. FallonSwift gave really good advice. My ex demanded 50/50 at first although he had hardly anything to do with them while we were together - at one stage he even said he would go to court to get full custody but it was all hot, angry, empty threats used to try to upset and control me. Over two years later and he has zero contact with them.

I had to cut all contact with his family (who incidentally I spent a lot more time with than he did when we were together) because no matter how many truly awful things he did and said after we separated they always made excuses for him and expected me to tolerate his bullshit. Because he wasn’t beating the shit out of me they denied he was abusive. He wasn’t raised to accept consequences for his bad behaviour. Anything completely unrelated to him/about my new life was fed back to him and he used it against me. The only people I am in contact with are his brother and sister in law who ended up falling out with him and the rest of his family because they were disgusted at how he was treating me and the children.

He is going to try every trick in the book to hurt you. Abusive men can not tolerate rejection and they absolutely cannot see anything from your point of view. They cannot he reasoned with. Do not suggest he get counselling as this will not make a blind bit of difference. He acts this way because it gets him what he wants. He will never change.

He will continue to use your child to mess you both about all the while telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s a great dad and you’re using the child against him. Expect him to do his best not to commit to a routine, repeatedly refuse to see the child at the last minute because he’s annoyed with you or has made other plans, constantly change anything you agree upon etc.

I’d ask friends and family for recommendations for a good solicitor. The first one I got was awful. I was constantly chasing her to do things and it was evident she was only interested in making money off me. The second solicitor was brilliant and he really helped me. Do not listen to the ‘parents have rights no matter how shit they are brigade’. There’s a world of difference between a bitter ex who stops their kids from seeing a parent and one who insists on routine and basic care for the children when they have them. My kids haven’t had contact in six months and haven’t once gotten upset about it or asked to see him. They barely mention him and when they do it’s along the lines of ‘dad has that Xbox game’.

The most important thing you can do is keep a diary. Note the dates and times of when he has her, what excuse he gives when he refuses to see her, any threatening behaviour, any correspondence with him, any times he has her and doesn’t feed her etc. I did this and my ex never took me to court despite countless threats because he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. You have to take control and do what is best for you and your child.

[paperweight1992]

All I've had is a message from a family member saying he wants to use the car (he has his own vehicle with him so I have no idea why he'd need/want to use the car) but I've said yes anyway as he has a set of keys to the car so he probably would have just taken it anyway and I don't need it at the moment.

He didn't ask how DD was or mention seeing her which has just made me even more anxious because I think he will be visiting people now and then click his fingers to have her later and I'll be worried about the virus - but if I say anything I'll just get called a psycho and have his family on my case.

I definitely think I need to report this because I am really struggling to catch my breath and feel sick to my stomach at what's to come. I need some boundaries and plans put in place, I'm not expecting us to work our every finance and every childcare plan for the next year, but even if just for the next few days so i don't have to just keep waiting for the messages from them.

I know I probably sound a bit frantic but I'm an anxious person as the best of times and the way he's been I'm genuinely quite frightened of him. He really hates me and wants to see me hurt.

[paperweight1992]

@thefourgp thank you SO much for sharing that. It sounds extremely similar, particularly regarding the way his family brushed you off. It honestly makes me think I'm being too sensitive and actually being called all of these names is normal - I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly that's the battle I've been having!

What happened when you split, at first? How often did he see your children? How was that? (I hope you don't mind me asking). Thanks again, that has helped a lot xx

[Windyatthebeach]

Do not agree to use a family member as a go between. Do not lend him your car. Speak to a solicitor today.
Keep a meticulous diary /timeline from when dd was born. How involved was he? Write it down.
Block his family before the abuse starts.
They are not your friends. They will never take your side. They will never believe he is abusive.

[IHaveAMagicBean]

It will not necessarily be in his hands. When you start divorce proceedings you tell your solicitor that he does nothing for your dd, he doesn’t really know her routine and he likes to game all night and sleep all day.
Your solicitor will then pass this on to the judge in family court and the judge will decide what hours your ex gets to spend with dd.
My ex tried to say I was a shit mum and get all three children for 100%

The children are adults now and refuse to talk to their father because he was so cold and cruel to them when they were with him.
The courts are not fools. Talk to your solicitor.

[CaptainBlunderpants]

This has nothing to do with his family, you don’t have to communicate with them as they will only be looking out for him. Also, you don’t know what he’s told them.

[HollowTalk]

I imagine it's to do with child support - he's realised that if he has the child 50% of the time, he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

I wouldn't want him to take her anywhere in the car today - I'd be worried in case he took her to his mum's and didn't let her come home again. I'd call the non-emergency police line and ask for advice.