He's moved out and wants 50:50 custody of DD

[paperweight1992]

I've been advised to start a new thread as I had wrote on here asking for advice on a few issues but yesterday things took a turn for the worse and my Husband continued to call me even worse names and be even more aggressive and I couldn't take it anymore so I asked a family member to come and get me and DD.

(He'd been wasting our money and getting us into financial strain and then telling me it's none of my business, keeping us awake on shouting his console all night then sleeping all day, not doing a single thing around the house or with DD, and anytime I asked him for help or suggested he wasn't being very nice I got called every name under the sun including bitch, the C word and fat. Ever since the lockdown and him not working he just has turned absolutely vile, and I know everyone is probably having a few issues but honestly it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't say anything to him or ask for any help because he'd just go absolutely nuts at me. The night before last I asked him to be quiet whilst he was gaming as he'd woken our DD, but he got so angry he came upstairs screaming and called me a bitch in front of her and was really aggressive.

He left the house and has gone to his moms for a while, so me and DD can have the house as obviously all of her stuff is here so it makes sense.

We've had absolutely no contact since yesterday and I've asked a family member of his if they will be the go between for a while until he cools down as I think if we speak any time soon he will just give me more abuse.

His family that I spoke to yesterday are implying he wants 50:50 custody of DD and whilst I am happy for him to see her, there's no way I'm happy with 50:50 custody. He has avoided her like the plague in this house, shown no interest in taking care of her and he hasn't had her for longer then 5 hours by himself since she was born. I'd be worried sick.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking that he's going to try and take her away from me today.

[CaptainBlunderpants]

I'd be worried in case he took her to his mum's and didn't let her come home again.

Yes this was my thought too.

[RuffleCrow]

He is abusing you. You need to keep a record of everything he says and does. Save all his texts and emails. If you can show the court 50:50 would be unworkable in your case this should help. 50:50 is really for parents who are good friends and on the same page and able to co-parent effectively for their dcs.

It's not the norm when there is abusive behaviour from one party. Normally the courts will look at who normally has the lion's share of responsibility for the child and make recommendations looking at the whole picture. Where coercive control is a factor this has to be taken into consideration as courts, since 2017, recognise that abusive men often use child contact as a means to further abuse and control an ex partner. Basically you need to document everything and then find a good solicitor who 'gets' coercive control.

[Mix56]

If he is flouting the rules & out & about, you can refuse contact. for your & your childs's safety

Don't speak to him on the phone, if he wants to contact you let it be by text or email. that way if there are any threats you will have proof.
Meanwhile get copies of his pay slips, savings, pensions, joint bank account, get hold of all mortgage paperwork, ID, info. & hide them somewhere he won't find them.
Keep the doors locked, if he wants to come in he will have to knock.
Does he have access to your cloud ? Change your passwords
Is he/you on the lease/mortgage ?

[Ulver]

Contact your GP and explain what’s happening. They will be able to refer you to local support networks.
They will know your child and will be able to advise you on how best to manage your anxiety.

[Ulver]

Why is he taking your car if he has one? Don’t you need it for shopping etc?

[MzHz]

He’s taking your car to deprive you of it. Leave you vulnerable

How are you supposed to get shopping?

No contact, no visitation, LET him call the police, invite them in and tell them what you’ve told us.

They will make him go away.

[HollowTalk]

I agree about the car - he's already got his own car so why does he need yours? By taking your car away from you he is leaving you and your child vulnerable.

[paperweight1992]

He hasn't taken DD, she wasn't mentioned in any of the messages from his family at all.
He's dropped his vehicle off at our house and taken the car. His mum said he needed it for an hour. I don't know why and my family advised me not to ask, he will only suggest I'm trying to "control him" again. So I just said yes. He came and went without knocking the door or anything and me and DD were upstairs.
I can't for the life of me think why he'd need the car.

I was just saying to my friend I feel wary of reporting this as abuse because the way he acts when I suggest he's being unreasonable and now his family too, genuinely makes me wonder if I'm just making it all up. But she said that these people are experts and as long as I tell the truth they will be able to advise me on whether or not it needs to be logged. I feel like I need to do something, I can't live like this I haven't eaten since yesterday morning before he woke up. My stomach is doing somersaults. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm okay and I've got a really good family and some great friends who have been telling me for a long time that he was abusing me so I know I can trust them. I'm only mentioning how sick I feel because I need to take some kind of action so I can at least try and calm down and enjoy my time with DD.

My mat leave ends very soon and I'll be working from home due to covid19, so it's not quite as sad as if I was leaving her but still, I should be enjoying this time with my little one.

[RantyAnty]

Very common tactic from abusers. They throw this out there to intimidate and scare you to back down.

They don't want custody. They just want to bully you.


Call the police and. make a report on him every time.
Block his family. You don't have to speak to them or be harrassed by them either.

Let him take you to court.
These deadbeats usually disappear when it will actually cost our of their pocket or slightly inconvenience them.

[category12]

Don't be afraid of him calling the police. There's no court order. You can explain it's an abusive relationship and you have recently split.

Speak to Women's Aid and get advice from the Rights of Women.

[category12]

I'd be surprised if you get the car back. Is it in your name?

If you do get it back, he may have put a tracker on/in it, so be wary.

[paperweight1992]

If for whatever reason he doesn't bring the car back after the couple of hours he's asked for, I am very lucky that my family are all nearby and will do shopping for me.

I will be unable to go myself anyway if he doesn't take care of DD. Luckily we're ok for now and I've got our dinner on in the slow cooker ready for tonight so providing he leaves us alone or at least plays ball, we should be able to try for a nice day.

[Ulver]

Please just call the police!!
You will be surprised at the answers you give to the questions they ask.
They will easily know that this is an abusive relationship. Be honest with them and yourself. Do this now.

[BrooHaHa]

Don't panic, OP. You did the right thing by leaving and are getting some good advice on here. It'll be OK.

[Ulver]

They can arrange to come round at another time.

[Windyatthebeach]

Woman up!! It's your bloody car ffs!!.
You need to think tough op. Family don't need to do your shopping! You own a car!!
Stop being a walkover!!.

[newstarting]

You don’t have to agree to anything today. Don’t answer any messages. Don’t speak to them. Lock the doors and put the key in so nobody can get in. He’s going to try and come back to the house. He’s not going to stay at his mums without a game console!! Be firm. He’s out. He stays out. He can call the police. He has no paperwork. He has no custody info. What can he tell them? He needs to go to court to get custody decided. That won’t happen today. Call a solicitor today. Get residency order. Speak to them about your concerns, his abuse and his threats. You owe him nothing. You should say no to the car. He is pushing again to see how much he can get you to agree to. It’s all about him. Screaming and waking a child because you’ve asked him to switch a game off. Disgusting. He’s vile and you know it. You and your child are better off away from this teenager. If he pushes seeing her, you tell him no. He’s not seeing the child until it’s been looked at by a judge. You say “you are glued to your gaming console. You wake her up by screaming when she’s asleep. You abuse me with vile language when I ask you to stop. So far, you’ve done zero parenting. You are not mature or dependable or normal or reliable. Somebody who happily plays games waking up their child cannot be trusted to have their child alone. Somebody who screams abuse at their child’s parent cannot be trusted to have the child alone. You are done. You no longer get to say what is what. I will no longer tolerate your childish and disgusting behaviour. You had your chance to step up. You failed. Now it will need to go to court for professionals to decide if your behaviour is appropriate for a parent. I have contacted a solicitor today. You will be hearing from them shortly. I have contacted CMS to file for maintenance. You will be hearing from them shortly. Do not contact me again. Any future contact will take place through my solicitor”
Then F him and his behaviour. Wanker.

[timeisnotaline]

Oh dear I wish you hadn’t let him take the car. If he brings it back can you ask for his key?

[BrooHaHa]

@Windyatthebeach

That's unnecessary and harsh. The OP has 'woman(ed) up' a hell of a lot recently. It's bloody difficult to leave an abusive relationship, she's done phenomenally well so far and is feeling a lot of strain and stress. She does not need your 'FFS' and your multiple explanation marks. She's not being a walkover. Wind your neck in.

[Windyatthebeach]

You do need to find some fire in your belly op.
But you are doing great.

[billy1966]

OP,

You have to help yourself unfortunate.
Contact your GP, you are the victim of prolonged domestic abuse.

Contact the police, you are the victim of prolonged domestic abuse.

You have to do these things for yourself.
You have to find the strength to do this.

He has nothing to do with his daughter.
He screams and wakes her up.
He screams obscenities at you.
He tells you you are lucky he is not hitting you.

Tell your GP.
Tell the police.
Help yourself OP.

He shouldn't be allowed near your daughter.

He shouldn't be allowed near your home.

Help yourself.
Panicking and waiting for this to fix itself, will not happen.

Stay away from his family.

[Mix56]

You can also get a non-mol order, tell the police you are afraid.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Mix56 you're very optimistic about what she can do with absolutely no documented evidence of abuse. A non molestation order is a court order that requires evidence.

[LouHotel]

OP will a member of your family be go between rather than his? Also make sure all communication is by text or email. Preferable email.

Taking your Car is a control tactic, how dare his family not question it and I would seriously suspect whether he would put a tracker in it.

His family are not your friends you need to seek advice from women’s aid.

[thefourgp]

I agree with others who say do not speak with him by phone or on your doorstep. If for whatever reason you are alone with him discretely record the conversation on your phone. I really wish I had done this. He would lie constantly and totally deny that he had said things. He deleted abuse sent to me by messenger. Emails are easier to store and print. I was foolishly optimistic that once his anger faded he’d be reasonable. It’s never happened and it never will.

My ex was swinging between crying his eyes out and threatening suicide, to shouting at me and calling me an ungrateful piece of shit in front of the kids. We had a joint mortgage and he refused to leave the home so I had to move out. I couldn’t keep the children in that environment and legally I couldn’t force him to leave. He was very aggressive and scared me. The threat of physical violence was there and he had grabbed me by the throat a couple of years, pushed me, slammed doors, smashed his phone off a wall, threw stuff around the room, threw stuff at me etc before so I was always on edge. I had to stay with my mum for two months, go through the council temporary homeless process, stayed six months in a council homeless house (I was very lucky to get a house close to where we had lived) then I bought a new house in the next town when our joint home was sold. He was harassing me and I eventually had to block him on everything. I felt sick to my stomach every time my phone beeped and I’d think ‘what now?’. I got 50 texts in one day and so many phone calls.

The day after I left he told the police he had concerns about the welfare of our children with me. They spoke with me and agreed I shouldn’t go home and warned him to back off.

The childcare agreement we had was constantly changed by him. He started with two nights a week, went to one night a week with me dropping them off and his cousin bringing them home the next morning. His cousin can no longer do this so he refused to take them overnight anymore. For nearly two years he repeatedly refused to take them at the last minute. He would bring them back early, send them to me if they got sick, he told me he couldn’t take them because he was working and he posted on Facebook he was watching football at the pub, he refused to take them to school, he wouldn’t feed them properly, he didn’t get them to brush their teeth, he never put pyjamas on them so they would sleep in their clothes, he would let them stay up as late as they wanted even if they had school the next day, our youngest is on the spectrum and will only drink one type of dilute juice and he would come home having had noting to drink because his dad didn’t make sure he had it, during holidays I had to keep getting my mum to watch the kids at the last minute because he would let me down and I had to work,