He ended the relationship after we found out I was pregnant and then miscarrying. Please help.

[Amandaspies]

Don’t know where to turn as feel my life has turned to darkness.

Had the first tablet to bring in miscarriage today. Go in on Thursday for the second. I’m terrified of what it will be like.

On top of that, the new relationship of 7 months, when we found out a week ago, seems to have fallen apart. Neither of us knew what to do, he said if we went ahead he wanted me to be clear that while he would financially support he would not guarantee that the relationship would last. I said some things I didn’t mean like I didn’t need him in the child’s life if that’s not what he wanted and that I didn’t need his financial support anyway if he was going to be so cold about it all. I then and cried and cried, he made me food, drinks, hugged me. I apologised and said I shouldn’t have been so upset and that I just didn’t know what were going to do and I was very scared. He then told me as far as he was concerned the relationship was hanging by a thread and that he’d see how it went but he had huge doubts now. At this point we thought I was miscarrying as I was bleeding slightly. He had hour long conversations with his mum that he said he wanted in private. He’s leave the house then come back and reiterate that if I went ahead with this and it wasn’t a miscarriage then he had severe doubts about a future and I would essentially be on my own. I found all of this very distressing, all the while having blood taken to find out what was going on physically with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I feel so insecure that I cried to him and said I don’t feel like you even want me here. He said the relationship was over as far as he was concerned and suggested I move out (had been staying with him during isolation). Last night I had to drive back to my own place over an hour away alone, in pain, having just found out I was miscarrying from the hospital. Been confirmed today that I need the treatment. He sent me a text saying I had made the relationship unworkable by my inability to be calm and that he wished me every happiness...

I feel distraught. I can’t believe that a week ago we were happy together and then a week later he can write me off because I haven’t been calm enough dealing with surprise pregnancy and upcoming medical treatment for miscarriage.

I feel so alone and so scared. Was this my fault the relationship has ended? Was I so terrible? I am so scared for this week and to go through it alone. I am desperately sad.

Of course this wasnt "your fault". He's shown his true colours re his lack of compassion for you- you are truly better off not in a relationship with someone so unsupportive/disinterested. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Wishing you well.

Bullet dodged. What a wanker OP.

This is NOT a man you want to spend your life with much less raise a child..... but i am extremely sorry for your loss. When you're ready do seek some proper support for the miscarriage.

I was horrible though. I said those things and even though I apologised and said I didn’t mean them and that I would show him when I was feeling better that I knew it wasn’t ok, maybe that was enough to tip him to the edge.

I just don’t get it as literally a week ago we were so happy.

I feel as though he should have pushed through this with me together at the very least and not broken up with me while I am going through it all.

When I asked yesterday if he wanted to break up and he said yes, when I then tried to salvage the relationship and beg him to just give me time to recover from all this, he said it was ME who had suggested ending it and he was just agreeing.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. You need to be with people who love you at the moment.

If you can't physically be with them, get support on the phone.

This man isn't going to be any use in your life.

I have got some support IRL for Thursday and getting my head around that.

I just know I will be hit soon with the shock of having had a miscarriage and a relationship end in the space of ten days. I can’t believe it and just wanted to sound it out here for support

I don’t think I will ever get over this

I was horrible though. I said those things and even though I apologised and said I didn’t mean them

No no no no no!!

You should not have apologised. Not one 'I'm sorry' should have left your lips.

You're suffering from gaslighting fatigue. He turned the situation into your fault and then added emotional bribery with his 'baby or relationship' bullshit.

You have absolutely dodged a HUGE bullet. This time is awful for you but having a cold selfish little shit like him in your life forever would have been far worse.

One day - you can't see it now - but one day you'll realise he's done you a favour. Spare your tears for next unfortunate woman who takes him up.

So sorry you have been treated so cruelly.

He was nice to me though... made me dinner, offered to run a bath, held me, made me drinks. He was supportive most of the time, even when I woke up in a panic.

I lashed out at him because he seemed hesitant about the relationship when I was in that situation, as if it was a reason not to go ahead with the pregnancy. I got upset and said I didn’t want him as a dad anyway etc...

I did apologise loads for this and just said I was struggling and when I recover from this nightmare he will see I am back to myself as not shouting or getting upset.

I can’t believe 5 days after doing the test, all this has happened and hes left me to confirm whether I am miscarrying and then miscarry alone.

His mum called me a few days ago to say that he liked calmness and I should try and be calm, she asked if I had ever been in a crisis before to know calm is best...?!

She also said her son couldn’t keep taking time off work (he took 3 days off last week) and that he needed to focus while he was there.

I am sorry you are going through this. You will get over this and you will find a lovely partner that gives a shit. Honestly, do you really want to be with someone that is capable of treating you this way? He is so cold. It will take you time to adjust and go through the process of both grieving for your relationship and your miscarriage - but the you will feel anger for what a shitter he had been. And then you will feel relief you are not with him and you are now free to meet a better partner. And then you will look back and be so happy that you moved on from him and were free to meet a nice person who cares when you are going through stuff. What you are going through is shit...but others have gone through similar and worse. Find their stories of trauma and how they not only coped but ended up surviving and then thriving. You just need a bit of time to mend mentally, emotionally and physically.

Of course you will get over it. Not only that but your life will be immeasurably better without this selfish and immature wanker in it. Anything you said was just a direct defensive reaction to his shit but you need to recognise how bad he actually is.
Honestly, you are understandably emotional at this time but you will soon be on an even keel again with the help of people who truly have your back.

Thank you.

I just can’t help feeling it was my fault as I was so horrible to him.

I just felt in such a pit of darkness and shock, I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t calm.

Just seen your update, what grown man needs their mum to do the awkward calls for him? Honestly!

I don't actually think he has done anything wrong in terms of in the first instance saying that he may not foresee a long term relationship with you, although he would support the baby etc. 7 months in I don't think that's unreasonable.

The fact is, this is the first major life hurdle you faced as a couple and it fell apart. It won't feel like it but it was better to find out earlier on how resilient as a couple you were rather than later. You obviously have said some things you didn't mean and can't take back now as I'm sure he has too. Now isn't the time for regret, the miscarriage is happening and you need to nurture yourself and get it from those around you.

I can’t believe ten days ago I thought I was in a happy loving relationship. Then this happens and he leaves me because I am not calm enough, because I have made the relationship unworkable. He couldn’t even stay to get me through this, although he suggests he could still come to an appointment if I wanted, tho he ‘assumed I wouldn’t want that now.’ Two days before he had suggested I go to a friends to miscarry, if that’s what it was, as he would be working!

His mum sounds just as controlling as he seems. I guess he got it from her. One thing I learnt from therapy...people can not help their emotions. It’s what they do about them which counts. Very few people are calm during such trauma. If he needs one of those people - that’s ok and he needs to go look for it as it will be hard to find. You are just normal. Please see suggesting you change yourself to being calmer means changing yourself!! Find someone who loves you for who you are - a much nicer feeling than spending your life treading on eggs shells...

Please block him and his mum. She's a prize idiot for bothering you at a time like this.

It's little surprise he's turned out as he has with her as a mother.

I'm not sure how you restrained yourself from telling her to piss off tbh.... or words to that effect.

It was definitely not your fault
Block him and his toxic mother
Take care of yourself

You may feel it’s your fault because of how you spoke to him...but it’s not. Relationships are stronger than one conversation. You need to consider how you feel now - even if you were to patch things up than you will be spending your life being careful about what you say just incase he takes offence and ends your relationship.
The best thing you can do right now is focus on getting your confidence back and being you. You sound very emotional vulnerable. I wonder if without realising it this relationship has been eroding your confidence in other ways already.

I suspect he has been confiding in his mum and his mum has took the view that her son needs to not be in this relationship and (like most normal mums) we do what we can to protect our own, regardless of age, including piping up and getting involved and thinking we can sort it woman to woman. Everyone can moan but I've never yet met anything other than an overprotective mother of sons.

it all goes to absolutely confirm that this is not the guy for you and it no more of your energy. He would not have been your life partner and someone else is right for you

I don’t want to be with him as I don’t think I can get over him asking me to leave the house last night when I am in the middle of all this. He won’t contact me either. It’s definitely the end. I’m just trying to piece it together to understand :(

We were happy before this. He’s 38 and his longest relationship was 18 months and he’s only lived with one woman his whole adult life which lasted 5 months. I didn’t notice anything strange when I moved in with him though, I was happy.

I just didn’t expect him to be so hard nosed about a break up in the circumstances and when in reality, i needed him the most.

Don't worry about him and how he feels, please prioritise yourself and be kind to yourself. He has shown you who he is, and the fact that he runs to mummy instead of asking you how he can support you through this says a lot.
You don't need to be grateful to him for being nice to you, that is the minimum you expect when you're going through this frightening experience.
I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Tell people who are close to you and let them support you. When I had my first miscarriage I was scared too, as I didn't know what to expect. Don't look too far ahead, just get each day done and look after yourself. I hope that Thursday goes as well as possible, have someone with you and take it as it comes.
I'm sorry about your relationship. It must be frightening and devastating for you right now, but it won't always feel this way.

oh you poor thing

still, silver lining, you've found out this man is useless emotionally in a crisis...

(his MUM rang to tell you he needs you to be CALM? what the ACTUAL fuck?)

You don't need to apologise for anything. Ok, your response to his initial freaking out was possibly sub-optimal (obviously you should have been CALM...) but if that makes him consider the relationship to be "hanging by a thread" then he's clearly not ready for a mature adult life-partnership.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Right now it feels like it will always be this painful, but even the worst things get easier to bear with time.

I'm glad you have support for Thursday. Is it someone who can help with everything else too?

Maybe he saw your reaction to the pregnancy as proof that you did not see a future in a relationship with him? (I think you said that one of the things you said was that you didn’t want him as a dad? Not that you didn’t want the pg itself?)
It doesn’t sound as though either of you want a baby or see a future in your relationship. It’s brutal timing to find out this way, but in the longer term, you will both realise that the end of the relationship is a good thing. Sometimes a crisis gives us a good glimpse of ourselves and our partner. Sometimes it cements the relationship and sometimes it fractures it. You got to see a bit more of each other and both decided that you weren’t compatible. It’s awful that a pg and then miscarriage was the trigger, but it’s very clear neither of you wanted to be together with a child. Grieve both for the baby and the relationship, and then move on.