He ended the relationship after we found out I was pregnant and then miscarrying. Please help.

[Amandaspies]

Don’t know where to turn as feel my life has turned to darkness.

Had the first tablet to bring in miscarriage today. Go in on Thursday for the second. I’m terrified of what it will be like.

On top of that, the new relationship of 7 months, when we found out a week ago, seems to have fallen apart. Neither of us knew what to do, he said if we went ahead he wanted me to be clear that while he would financially support he would not guarantee that the relationship would last. I said some things I didn’t mean like I didn’t need him in the child’s life if that’s not what he wanted and that I didn’t need his financial support anyway if he was going to be so cold about it all. I then and cried and cried, he made me food, drinks, hugged me. I apologised and said I shouldn’t have been so upset and that I just didn’t know what were going to do and I was very scared. He then told me as far as he was concerned the relationship was hanging by a thread and that he’d see how it went but he had huge doubts now. At this point we thought I was miscarrying as I was bleeding slightly. He had hour long conversations with his mum that he said he wanted in private. He’s leave the house then come back and reiterate that if I went ahead with this and it wasn’t a miscarriage then he had severe doubts about a future and I would essentially be on my own. I found all of this very distressing, all the while having blood taken to find out what was going on physically with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I feel so insecure that I cried to him and said I don’t feel like you even want me here. He said the relationship was over as far as he was concerned and suggested I move out (had been staying with him during isolation). Last night I had to drive back to my own place over an hour away alone, in pain, having just found out I was miscarrying from the hospital. Been confirmed today that I need the treatment. He sent me a text saying I had made the relationship unworkable by my inability to be calm and that he wished me every happiness...

I feel distraught. I can’t believe that a week ago we were happy together and then a week later he can write me off because I haven’t been calm enough dealing with surprise pregnancy and upcoming medical treatment for miscarriage.

I feel so alone and so scared. Was this my fault the relationship has ended? Was I so terrible? I am so scared for this week and to go through it alone. I am desperately sad.

He seems to be completely useless and not someone you want in your life. Non of this is your fault. You have just been through a traumatic event and he was about as useful as a wet blanket

We were happy before this.

You may well have been. Let's say you were. But all relationships must withstand testing to see how 'real' and authentic that happiness is. Your's failed the test. It also revealed your future life partner to be cold, callous, unempathetic, a mummy pleaser, gaslighter and cruel to boot.

This is good to know 7 months in, rather than 7 years in. You won't waste your valuable years on someone who will shatter your self esteem and leave you high and dry and feeling 10 x worse than now.

Now you can grieve, build yourself up and concentrate on your future.

Be kind to yourself. And maybe get some therapy as you sound too willing to take all the responsibility for the relationship and I agree with pp, it sounds like he's been doing a number on your self esteem.

I feel like I can’t cope I am so sad

He’s shown you who he really is, and it’s not a loving, kind and empathetic person. I’m very sorry for what you are going through. He sounds awful. To make you move out and drive home whilst extremely upset and in the middle of miscarrying is callous beyond words.

Painful though your situation is, you have dodged a bullet. There are plenty of decent, caring and supportive men. He is not one of them. I hope you have family/friends to give you moral support to help you through this.

I suspect his mum has become used to handling him, it sounds like he has issues with conflict and has avoided relationships in the past - seems like she is going to need to carry on looking after him now!
Sorry for all you are going through OP

He didn’t know i was miscarrying as hadn’t had tests back. I just don’t know how he could leave me go deal with this alone simply because he thought my interactions with him over the last five days weren’t calm

He’s a 38 year old man who turns to his mum for comfort and support. You deserve better.

Nothing is going to make you feel better. The fledging relationship was tested, it did not pass the test. I hate to be the one to say it but like you I learned the hard way. A 38 year old man who hasn't had a serious relationship 9 times out of 10 isn't a good bet, as was the case with my ex. The signs are there but you don't want to see them until you become the next ex. You need to focus your energy for now on you and getting through this situation. You'll do it and you'll be ok and when your anger kicks in which it will, you'll process this and realise that he wasn't it.

However before anyone comments - my DH was 37 when I met him and never been married/living together seriously either , longest relationships 2/3 years off and on - and we're happy and settled nearly 6 years on. So the exception makes the rule.

You now know why he hasn’t had a long term relationship. He’s disgusting in the way he’s handled this and his mum had the audacity to tell you to stay calm to APPEASE this giant man baby. Diddums can’t be upset? Screw that. You’re human, not perfect and having a miscarriage. You told him you didn’t want him to be the father in reaction to the horrible way HE reacted. If he’d held you close and said nice things and said how upset he was about losing the baby there is NO WAY you would have got upset. You know this. You know the way he reacted isn’t normal or ok. Normal people react with upset and emotion at a major life trauma such as a miscarriage. You are best off away from this man. You won’t go through the whole of life with no upset or trauma. Everytime you aren’t “calm” he’s going to end it and get his mum to call you! What if you had a child and that child got sick or had an accident and you got naturally upset? Life cannot be lived in an emotional vacuum. Take this time to grieve the pregnancy. Block his number. When lockdown is over go get therapy and move on from this arsehole. Find yourself somebody who has empathy

and stop worrying and pondering his reactions. Be firm and resolute that the way you reacted was NORMAL and ok. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel. That’s abusive and controlling and weird.

He would say he was supportive and there for me he just wasn’t great when I got upset and apparently behaved erratically, for example changing my mind about whether to go ahead with the pregnancy at all at the very start. He said he thought I had mental health problems because I was crying so much and getting hysterical about what to do.

This isn't your fault and you know where you stand with him now.
You can't know somebody after 7 months, they are like a stranger to you really.
I'm sorry you are going through this, do you have friends/mum irl to confide in.
he has gone now and good riddens.
Stay single for a while and get to know yourself before you think of settling down with someone again, then only after about 4 years together.

I am sorry for your loss. He has shown who he really is! He has left you when you need him the most. After all you are miscarrying his child. You don't need this kind of person in your life. You deserve better than a man who will leave you when you really need him. You are lucky he is out of your life -he is a sorry, pathetic excuse for a human being. He is very shrewed as well - he made food and offered to run your bath knowing he can turn this around to make you look the bad one and make you guilty. Was he not the first to indicate that the relationship may not last anyway. He should have had the decency to see this through and then make a decision. He is a crap human being. You deserve better. I wish you well OP. Sending you virtual hugs and .

Hugs loads of them you will survive sweetheart, but you are well rid of a callous unfeeling man.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Surprise pregnancies in new relationships are always a strain. Some couples work past it and bond together even stronger, but many do not.

His Mum rang you and he's 38!! He's got big problems, and getting to his age without having anything lasting is very telling. I think you know this, which is why you posted his poor track record, you will see him for what he is in time.

I just keep feeling in shock every time I think about it. We were so happy. Everything was fine. This happens and he turns his back on me and tells me my reactions are unstable and do I have mental health issues etc.

I am terrified for this week and getting through it.

This is who he is and always was, Your pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage has just exposed it. If he couldn’t cope with your reaction, it would be very unlikely that he would have coped with a baby.

I’m very sorry for your loss but relatively new relationships rarely survive a pregnancy.

Grieve the relationship but your reaction isn’t why he ended the relationship, the responsibility of becoming a father and the inevitable change in relationship dynamic is why he ended it.

He sounds very immature for 38 - you are better off without him.

We were so happy. Everything was fine

Everything’s easy when things are going well. That’s not the marker of a relationship. It’s when you hit a tricky patch that counts.

So, you have a horrible life changing experience and the loser dumps you because he thought you should be calm. Fuck that.

You might have been temporarily happy, but it wasn’t fine. Anyone can prop up a crap relationship by rolling over and pretending to have no needs and no boundaries.

Bullet dodged. Now you know why he can’t hold a relationship down. He runs off crying at the slightest hint of difficulty.

He got annoyed that you weren't calm
He accused you of having mental health problems
He gets his mother to call up
He got you to leave in the middle of the night in a horrible situation

He's a grade A prick and you're better off without. At least you only wasted 7 months on him. It's going to be hard but I think you will be relieved, ultimately.

He honestly was the horrible one. Not for ending things, but fir the gutless way he tried to make it look like your choice. You really have escaped from a nasty man who will control future partners, freezing them out if they show emotion that ruffles the feathers of his lovely shiny coat. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. In time, you will see the loss of this man as a really good thing. And his mum needs to butt out.

You are allowed to have a meltdown after finding out you're pregnant and it wasn't planned op. Any decent human being would understand that and support you through it. He in the other hand, has decided to kick you whilst your down. Good riddance

You found his true colours. Block his family and get yourself well physically and mentally and move on. I mean it with the kindest heart. Put yourself first.

@Amandaspies i could legitimately say anything I liked to my DP, lose my fucking shit, turn into the exorcist and spin my head round spitting blood at him and he wouldn’t leave me whilst I was going through a miscarriage. Because, you know, empathy and that.
He is a gaslighting, nasty, disloyal piece of shit and you have dodged a massive bullet.
You will get over this, it will be okay again, the sun will rise again I promise you.
One day, when you are with a wonderful supportive and kind man who adores you and you’re looking at your children playing in your garden, this will be a distant memory.
I held onto that when I was in a similar situation.

Bottom line: This guy is an absolute dog shit human.