He ended the relationship after we found out I was pregnant and then miscarrying. Please help.

[Amandaspies]

Don’t know where to turn as feel my life has turned to darkness.

Had the first tablet to bring in miscarriage today. Go in on Thursday for the second. I’m terrified of what it will be like.

On top of that, the new relationship of 7 months, when we found out a week ago, seems to have fallen apart. Neither of us knew what to do, he said if we went ahead he wanted me to be clear that while he would financially support he would not guarantee that the relationship would last. I said some things I didn’t mean like I didn’t need him in the child’s life if that’s not what he wanted and that I didn’t need his financial support anyway if he was going to be so cold about it all. I then and cried and cried, he made me food, drinks, hugged me. I apologised and said I shouldn’t have been so upset and that I just didn’t know what were going to do and I was very scared. He then told me as far as he was concerned the relationship was hanging by a thread and that he’d see how it went but he had huge doubts now. At this point we thought I was miscarrying as I was bleeding slightly. He had hour long conversations with his mum that he said he wanted in private. He’s leave the house then come back and reiterate that if I went ahead with this and it wasn’t a miscarriage then he had severe doubts about a future and I would essentially be on my own. I found all of this very distressing, all the while having blood taken to find out what was going on physically with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I feel so insecure that I cried to him and said I don’t feel like you even want me here. He said the relationship was over as far as he was concerned and suggested I move out (had been staying with him during isolation). Last night I had to drive back to my own place over an hour away alone, in pain, having just found out I was miscarrying from the hospital. Been confirmed today that I need the treatment. He sent me a text saying I had made the relationship unworkable by my inability to be calm and that he wished me every happiness...

I feel distraught. I can’t believe that a week ago we were happy together and then a week later he can write me off because I haven’t been calm enough dealing with surprise pregnancy and upcoming medical treatment for miscarriage.

I feel so alone and so scared. Was this my fault the relationship has ended? Was I so terrible? I am so scared for this week and to go through it alone. I am desperately sad.

@Amandaspies Really sorry that you have had such a painful experience. This really is not you. You've had lots of great advice here and hopefully you will find it sustaining over the coming weeks while you process the very distressing and painful experience of your unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage and your X's pathetic and deeply inadequate reaction to your emotional response.

And if you only have time to re-read one post, I recommend @WelcomeToTheMountaintop who sums it all up perfectly.

Op I'm so sorry. Tbh he sounds like a complete cold bastard. Do not criticise yourself for being emotional during what you were going through. I went through similar a long time ago, miscarried and my partner went out for a pint of milk ( said he'd be 5 minutes) and ran away to the pub leaving me to deal with it alone. When I tracked him down days later I punched him in the face. Not my finest hour but I've forgiven myself. You really haven't behaved badly, I know your emotions must have been all over the place. You will get over him, it may not seem like it now, but you can. He doesn't sound like he deserves your love.

Lolliloo is absolutely spot on.

Grieve the relationship but your reaction isn’t why he ended the relationship, the responsibility of becoming a father and the inevitable change in relationship dynamic is why he ended it.

This!

Thank you for the replies and words of support.

I don’t know how I am coping today, I am beyond distressed and just sitting in shock at everything that has happened. I can’t imagine a time where I will feel better again. I thought he was someone special.

You will survive this Amanda. It was not your fault. It was not your emotional reaction that caused this. He didn't want the responsibility of being a father and he rather cowardly walked away. This will pass. You will be OK.

I just can’t believe he’s sent a text saying he ‘wishes me every happiness’ and that’s that. No idea when or where or how I am sorting this out, he doesn’t care.

He’s literally cut me out of his life for being a mess over this and not knowing what to do.

I am really struggling to cope today and don’t know how I will get through the hospital appointment tomorrow, I feel sick

Lucky escape. Sorry it didn't work out for you OP, hopefully in time you will look back and breathe a sigh of relief, you would not want to have children with this man, your reaction to a shock pregnancy was normal.

Please be as strong as you can - you can do it! You are honestly better off without him, he is selfish and lacking any kindness. It would have been disastrous to carry on with him. Believe us you have dodged a bullet, and you can manage. It will be ok.

@WelcomeToTheMountaintop Everything’s easy when things are going well. That’s not the marker of a relationship. It’s when you hit a tricky patch that counts.

This.
You found out all the horrible parts of this man. It's shitty now, but in time you'll realise you are better off without him.

We were so happy a week ago! I am in so much shock.

I know that I shouted and cried and went back and forth on my decision about termination..I even threatened to leave the house a couple of times when I felt he was changing his stance on what he wanted and when he started having 3 hour calls a day with his Mum about it in private. Those things made me feel unsupported and I panicked even more. I was mean to him though and he did do some nice things like sort food and make me drinks and hug me.

I just can’t believe that ultimately he asked me to leave the house when I had no idea how this was going to be resolved and what was happening with my body. He just let me drive off even when I asked him to reconsider and for him to forgive me. Up until this we were perfectly happy. He said my lack of calmness meant the relationship was over.

I am so confused and sad and can’t see the light

Is anyone around to help, I feel desperately sad

OP he sounds like an absolute bellend.

You are not 'mentally unstable' - you had very normal feelings in response to a surprise pregnancy.

Your shock, grief and feeling that you can't cope IS you coping with it. It will feel unbearably, crushingly awful, and then, bit by bit, this will pass and you will get through it.

You deserve a partner who is kind, respectful and supportive. This man is not that. Be kind and compassionate to yourself - you are going to make it out the other side.

3 hour phone calls with his mum? Can you look at this logically? Would you ever treat someone like this? I suspect not. He is not treating you like this “because” you did something wrong, he is treating you like this because he is immature and can’t cope with it. You honestly do not need this in your life. You need someone kind.

OP does he have OCD or autism?

I know people say you can't forgive people behaving like dicks and make an excuse up.

You see I suffer with both and rather than face the problem I like to ignore it. I like calmness and order.

But I am married with kids too.

What do you mean you can’t forgive people behaving like dicks?

I think he had some mental health issues

Sorry I didn't work it correctly.

I mean I realise there are mean / nasty people out there because that's who they are and you can't blame it on MH.

I'm sorry I can't express myself well.

I wouldn’t have left someone like this no. I am just shocked he let me drive off and that was that. As if I never existed.

Are you getting support in real life OP? Anyone you can talk it through with? You can do this Xxxx

You do understand that sorting food and making drinks and giving you a hug is the MINIMUM don't you? Most decent people would do that for a colleague or a neighbour who needed support.

The truth is that he's turned out to be a waste of space who runs to mummy instead of being a supportive partner.

Yes I guess it is the minimum you’d expect.

I feel like the blame is on me as he said my interactions with him made the relationship end. His mum called me to say that I hadn’t been calm and enough and that he liked calm and I had pushed him away through my behaviour.

Honestly I think you're all focussing on the wrong thing.

He just doesn't want to be a Dad with all the responsibility and life changes that go with it.

He doesn't want to admit to that as it would make him look bad. Far far easier to say it's her fault for losing her cool. That way she looks unstable and gives him the perfect excuse to walk away with his halo intact..

A week ago he was telling me he loved me. A week later he does this. I’ve never felt so alone.