He ended the relationship after we found out I was pregnant and then miscarrying. Please help.

[Amandaspies]

Don’t know where to turn as feel my life has turned to darkness.

Had the first tablet to bring in miscarriage today. Go in on Thursday for the second. I’m terrified of what it will be like.

On top of that, the new relationship of 7 months, when we found out a week ago, seems to have fallen apart. Neither of us knew what to do, he said if we went ahead he wanted me to be clear that while he would financially support he would not guarantee that the relationship would last. I said some things I didn’t mean like I didn’t need him in the child’s life if that’s not what he wanted and that I didn’t need his financial support anyway if he was going to be so cold about it all. I then and cried and cried, he made me food, drinks, hugged me. I apologised and said I shouldn’t have been so upset and that I just didn’t know what were going to do and I was very scared. He then told me as far as he was concerned the relationship was hanging by a thread and that he’d see how it went but he had huge doubts now. At this point we thought I was miscarrying as I was bleeding slightly. He had hour long conversations with his mum that he said he wanted in private. He’s leave the house then come back and reiterate that if I went ahead with this and it wasn’t a miscarriage then he had severe doubts about a future and I would essentially be on my own. I found all of this very distressing, all the while having blood taken to find out what was going on physically with the pregnancy.

Yesterday I feel so insecure that I cried to him and said I don’t feel like you even want me here. He said the relationship was over as far as he was concerned and suggested I move out (had been staying with him during isolation). Last night I had to drive back to my own place over an hour away alone, in pain, having just found out I was miscarrying from the hospital. Been confirmed today that I need the treatment. He sent me a text saying I had made the relationship unworkable by my inability to be calm and that he wished me every happiness...

I feel distraught. I can’t believe that a week ago we were happy together and then a week later he can write me off because I haven’t been calm enough dealing with surprise pregnancy and upcoming medical treatment for miscarriage.

I feel so alone and so scared. Was this my fault the relationship has ended? Was I so terrible? I am so scared for this week and to go through it alone. I am desperately sad.

It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Your reaction was perfectly normal considering the circumstances.
You'll come through this.

Ok so I was in a similar situation but I don't want to go into details as it's your thread.

Please stop blaming yourself, you are not to blame.

Yes you will, in time feel better and recover but take it slowly, it will not happen overnight.

Go over things if you feel that helps you have a lot to process but believe me see when you get through to the other side, you will come out of this stronger than ever.

Take care x

I'm holding your hand. I'll stay with you awhile. You're not alone.

Thank you. I am just going over and over the discussions we had. It was stressful and horrible and I hadn’t expected the relationship to last either way, but I had expected him to at least deal with this with me before sending me on my way.

Is that unreasonable? Literally a week ago he was telling me he loved me.

His Mum called you and told you you weren't calm enough?

Totally batshit.

I think everyone in this situation is behaving incredibly immaturely for their ages.

I'm not going to judge you for your reactions, but surely a surprise pregnancy is something you know is a risk at if you have sex - protected or not.

You would have had some idea of what would make sense to your relationship.

His actions and comments are very emotionally hurtful but you've only been together for 7 months - would you really expect him to guarantee that he would stay with you if you kept the pregnancy?

Then when he wouldn't (but did in fairness offer you financial support), you screamed and shouted and cried - which was your reaction to the stress of him not doing that.

It must have seemed like a massive temper tantrum to someone as emotionally stunted as he seems to be.

Take the lesson from this, it was never going to work. You were two completely different people and although you managed to convince yourself otherwise, he realised this and has rightly ended it.

No not in the right way and with no care to you, but 'logically' the relationship was over for him

The reason you're still upset is because you think if you had just been calm, you would have stayed together.

But you can't pretend to be someone else, just to keep a man. He is a detached person and you are not. At some point, this issue would have come to ahea. He would have always felt the same way if you displayed anything that wasn't perfectly calm.

I can guarantee that this has happened lots of the last seven months. You've gotten upset and he's gotten cold, you've aplogised and he's just taken your apology. Hence his comments about 'hanging on by a thread'. People don't flip like this, it should be a massive red flag to you that you both had drastically views of your relationship.

Some realisation was obviously happening in his head that you didn't notice and he didn't/couldn't/express until this situation happened.

Ultimately this about you not him, he has moved on. That's why he text you, so you know pointblank its done and you can't wheedle him back.

Him saying you have mental health problems is completely out of line but when you're recovered, you could probably do with some counselling to find out why you made the choices you did.

When you have a miscarriage, they may be able to offer you some free counselling or emotional support. If you use it, I hope it helps.

@foreversville
Can't believe you're trying to put the blame on her for this arsehole 's behaviour

OP it must have been a shock for him to behave so cold and cruel towards you.

A 38 year old man should know how pregnancy happens and if he didn't want that to happen, he should have made damn sure to use a condom correctly every time.

His being suddenly nice just shows what a faker and manipulator he has been. He knew all the right things to say and do to keep your around but when this happened, his real self showed.

Plenty of men fake entire relationships for years just for regular sex and emotional labor.

I hope you have a friend or family you can talk to. This is very hurtful and you'll be ok in time but that doesn't make it any easier right now.

Block the both of their smug arses!

It’s less about the moving on than it is about how he’s done it and the timing.

Surely it’s nit much to ask to expect a man to stick with you through this at the very least. Whatever happened afterwards is a different story, obviously. But he has dropped me when I needed him, when the week before we were happily going about our lives together

Thinking about it OP, would you have wanted to stay with him for the next few days, knowing it was over, that the relationship was finished, and knowing that he wanted you to leave as soon as possible?

Wouldn't that have felt worse than being alone now? In that case I think I'd much rather have left now.

No probably not. And I don’t ever want to hear from him again.

But I am still in shock that he could be so happy one weekend then ditch me the next, so fast, when clearly I needed him.

having just found out I was miscarrying from the hospital. Been confirmed today that I need the treatment. He sent me a text saying I had made the relationship unworkable by my inability to be calm

In response to your other comments, it's not your fault, he's a wanker OP. f someone's calm during a miscarriage, they're abnormal and/or didn't want the baby at all.

But I am still in shock that he could be so happy one weekend then ditch me the next, so fast, when clearly I needed him

Some people can't deal with it appropriately, plus are twats. It's painful- there'll be other men, and life is better without this one anyway.

Love and hugs. xxxxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having a miscarriage is one of the most difficult things I think anyone could go through. The fact that he isn't there for you during this horrible time is the only red flag you need.

This is not your fault. None of this is your fault. It doesn't matter what you said to him, he has chosen to turn his back on you when you need him the most. That's got nothing to do with you or whatever you said, that's him burying his head in the sand and leaving you to it.

I know you won't think so right now, but you're so much better off without him. Look at how he's behaved. It's so selfish. You dont need that in your life. And his mum sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Look after yourself, get support from people who love you and do not blame yourself

I’m so scared about tomorrow and having the procedure and I feel like he’s just ditched me when I needed him most, even though we spent months together and I was ok then, telling me he loved me.

I feel like I will never feel light again.

Has he messaged you today regarding tomorrow?

If not when your well rid.

@Amandaspies what time is your procedure tomorrow? I’ll pop back after on here to check in with you to see if you’re ok.
You’ll get through this - take it one hour at a time.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I too would be completely shocked, and quite frankly disgusted by a man who could be so cold. How you are feeling is completely normal OP - and the hormones aren’t helping either.

Once you are over the shock, you will be so glad that he is out of your life. I’m sorry it hurts right now but I promise you, you will get through this and come out stronger.

He is a nasty piece of work.

Please look after yourself - get plenty of rest and sleep, eat well and treat yourself.

It may help to post in the miscarriage section so you can talk with women who have been through the same procedure.

It is an emotionally challenging time but you will get through it. Hang in there and take care

I am really sorry in reading your post. I’m dealing with the consequences of not leaving a guy who left me to deal with the loss of a pregnancy all on my own. I was gaslighted badly, he abused me for the next 12 years. You will feel terrible but believe me that man will end up being emotionally abusive, he has a lack of empathy, please believe the pain because it’s real and walk away.

All relationships encounter problems/unexpected situations at some point. Strong relationships survive them, and can even grow stronger because of them. For this to come about, both partners need to be unwavering in their love and support for each other. Your DP has not only been unsupportive at a time when you desperately needed love and understanding, but he has made it all about him and how your reaction makes him feel. Could you really spend your life with someone who denies you expressing feelings when you’re distressed because he can’t cope with anything other than calmness? His preference for calm doesn’t trump your need to express how you feel.

It’s normal to be very upset, you’re grieving. You will get through tomorrow, and one day you will feel light again. It will take time, but you will get there. Thinking of you

@foreversville
I completely agree.

Op,please don’t be so hard on yourself.
This was a very new relationship. 7 months is really nothing at all.

Your ex has done nothing wrong. A surprise pregnancy early on in a relationship is bound to shake things up.
Everyone has the right to call time on a relationship.

You are hurting badly from two distinct losses. You will get over it. Please be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry that you are going through this especially at this awful time in the world. You will be in shock and heartbroken right now so do everything you can to nurture and be kind to yourself. Your body and mind are having to cope with so much. As you come through this you will recognise that his (and his Mum's) behaviour breaks the bond of love and trust needed in a healthy relationship. Life is full of ups and downs - at 38 it is unlikely he will change to be someone who is there for his partner for better or worse.

@Amandaspies Is for the most part spot on. I don’t think the OP was immature but her reaction was definitely incompatible with who this man is.

It sounds like deep down the pregnancy was a possible opportunity to ‘upgrade’ a relationship that had its limitations. The bubble has been burst in a painful and traumatic way and I understand the want to hold on to something that felt safe but unfortunately that security was an illusion.

Take care of yourself, this wasn’t your fault.

I will be thinking about you today OP x

Hope you're ok today, OP. Here with a virtual handhold