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Original poster

Threesome spoiling my marriage

91 replies

westendgirlx · 20/04/2020 00:18

Hi, I had to ask what people thought. This is so personal I'm embarrassed to ask a friend tbh.

My husband and I have a strong sexual relationship. I'm bisexual (he knew before we got married) but happy with him. He asked if we could have a FFM threesome and I decided to try. We found a woman on Tinder and we had sex a few times. She got too close, too demanding. She said that she had fallen in love with us both.I got out of the situation quickly and told her I didn't want anything to do with her again.

She got very upset and emotional. My husband felt sorry for her and agreed to be friends with her because he was worried about her mental state. They texted a lot. This upset me and I asked him to stop. He said that he would back in January and the texts petered out.

Well, since the lockdown she's been back in touch. There's lots we both agreed we don't like about her...she's a proven liar and a racist, for example. Yet, he carries on texting her.

I've asked him to stop because it's hurting me but he says I'm being over emotional because he doesn't intend ever seeing her again. We have had a row about her tonight and he's refusing to come to bed because I got angry and shouted at him. But, I don't seem to be able to keep my cool about this. I've said to him that if she's nothing to him that it should be easy to stop texting and just block her. I don't understand. He hates racism and lying so why does he need to bother with her?

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 20/04/2020 00:27

It's potential affair territory. He should be putting your feelings before her "mental state". You're his wife, she's just someone you shagged. If he can't or won't drop her like a molten dogshit then there's a serious problem in your marriage. You've asked him to make a choice, and he's refused. I wouldn't accept that tbh.

Sadiesnakes · 20/04/2020 00:27

He's having an emotional affair with her now and is way too invested, won't be long before he's declaring his undying love and packing up.

He needs to stop all contact with her straight away or you are leaving. Don't agree to anything less.

AddictedToLoveIsland · 20/04/2020 00:30

What about your mental state? He sounds like he is being a dick.

mamato3lads · 20/04/2020 00:36

What? Threesome or no threesome, your DH is taking the absolute piss. You may have blurred the boundaries by agreeing to this in the first place but you've made it crystal clear now and he should respect that

Be very careful and very aware, this is how affairs start
She should be told straight to go away and you and your husband should be united on that! Her mental health? She was a shag right? A part of your fantasy with DH. He is way, way too invested. Watch out OP x

SandyY2K · 20/04/2020 00:41

He's obviously getting something out of being in contact with her.

This isn't him being a good samaritan.

Is his communication with her worth risking your marriage?

I get the feeling he wanted sex with another woman and suggested a threesome or is this not the first time.

It just sounds like you being bisexual was a convenient excuse for him.

pooopypants · 20/04/2020 00:46

Yeahhhhhhhh

He used your sexuality to dip his dick somewhere else. He got his end away. Now he wants more.

You don't overlook things like racism (when you despise it) because of someone's MH unless there's more to it.

NoMoreDickheads · 20/04/2020 00:48

I don't understand. He hates racism and lying so why does he need to bother with her?

I'd say he's sexually into her OP. Men don't have to like a woman to be into them sexually.

I'm bi and I've experienced a very similar situation- it was really unpleasant.

Unfortunately a threesome is a lot of men's dream, and when they meet a bi woman they see that as a green light.

You are human and probably don't do everything he wants sexually what with being a human being- he doesn't know her so he can think of her as a sexual object- if he doesn't like her that's probably evn easier. Of course, he could be being slightly untruthful about disliking her- someone cn be a racist or whatever and we can still like them for other things.

He's clearly emotionally involved with her life.

It sounds like she's like my ex-best friend who was the other woman in my threesome- an unstable attention seeker who uses sex to get what she wants, or is fueled by men's sexual attention.

In my case I can't entirely remember what happened but I think she just moved on to other things/people eventually. She wasn't really into my then partner- she's just into anyone who gives her attention or something.

But it did damage our relationship- or rather was an example of problems that were already there with his attitude to sex.

How is your sex life in other ways? Does he expect you to have sex on demand, or fulfill his fantasies? Is he pushy? Does he get in a mood if he doesn't get it as much as he wants it? Does he like you to act/dress 'sexy?'

Or are there other problems in the marriage?

My ex took me for granted so thought he could treat me poorly. He also saw sex as an entitlement.

browzingss · 20/04/2020 00:53

This is why you don’t have threesomes with a partner that you want longevity with. This wouldn’t have been an issue if it was a casual relationship but you’re married, so you’re stuck in an awkward situation

Greenmarmalade · 20/04/2020 01:03

Think through your boundaries and tell him straight. For me, I wouldn’t be ok with my husband texting another woman who he’d recently had sex with. Or a woman who says she loves him.

He’s standing his ground because he’s getting attention and affection from her, so doesn’t mind pissing you off.

You are allowed to change your mind and reestablish healthy boundaries in your marriage!

Original poster
westendgirlx · 20/04/2020 01:14

Thanks, I didn't expect so many replies so soon!

NoMoreDickeads, he likes sex often and I used to but not so much these days. He doesn't push me into it but I can see his disappointment when I don't. That happened yesterday morning, for example, and he spent all day madly painting the house and suggested I go out for a walk instead of helping him. We live in a rural area so relatively safe virus wise btw.

He says lovely things about my looks but he frequently goes on about my stomach because it not flat. Our 'friend' is older than me but she has a flat stomach but she's an exercise freak who seems to exist mostly on wine and gin!

I feel such a fool now for having the threesome but I can't turn back the clock. Don't know what to do. He says he's very happy with us and can't understand why I get so upset....

I tried to be liberal and modern about all this and allow him a sex outlet but I found that my emotions wouldn't let me even if my logic would. They had sex once without me but her husband found out and understandably went ape! She had told us that she was getting divorced...one of the lies!

It's a big mess that I tried to get out of but my husband keeps dragging us back in

OP posts:
Aveisenim · 20/04/2020 01:18

It's tricky territory but your boundaries are that you don't want either of you to have contact with her and he should be respecting that. Open and honest communication is the only way to get through situations like this, especially when you're in a marriage where you like to explore. You both have to be comfortable with the other person. I'm bi, have also enjoyed a FFM threesome with my DP. We've been together a long time. He respects my boundaries.

Threesomes aren't necessarily a relationship breaker but can be when one person disrespects the other person's boundaries or wishes. Only you can decide whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

Greenmarmalade · 20/04/2020 01:20

He shouldn’t make you feel bad about not having a flat stomach!!

Don’t feel you need to be ‘liberal and modern’ or the cool wife. I consider myself to be liberal and modern and I have strong boundaries about certain things (porn, strip clubs, even on stag nights, seeing/texting other women). Think about YOUR boundaries and what you think will ensure a strong loving marriage. What is happening now is definitely not that.

Don’t bring her racism, etc, into it: you don’t want him to have a relationship with another woman. End of story. And you are not willing to tolerate it.

Pomegranatemolasses · 20/04/2020 01:20

he frequently goes on about my stomach because it not flat. Our 'friend' is older than me but she has a flat stomach but she's an exercise freak who seems to exist mostly on wine and gin!

How dare he! that's awful Op, regardless of anything else.

FlaskMaster · 20/04/2020 01:28

Eugh, he sounds worse and worse op. You can't polish a turd.

browzingss · 20/04/2020 01:30

They had sex once without me

Regardless of you all having a 3way in the past, he’s actually cheated on you with her. You definitely need to rethink your boundaries, it’s all a bit strange. Fair enough if you both want an open relationship and can mentally handle it, but it doesn’t sound like this is for you. And that’s okay, but if he doesn’t respect your wishes the relationship is fundamentally flawed

CoupeCourte · 20/04/2020 03:07

So your husband

  1. Makes sure you know how 'disappointed' he is, at length, when you don't feel like sex
  2. Constantly criticises your body
  3. Cheated on you (slept with her without you there)
  4. Has point blank refused to stop talking to the woman he cheated on you with
  5. Would rather sleep on the couch and text another woman than come to bed with you

Any one of those, by itself, would be enough for me to drop him. He is carrying with this woman right under your nose. He is treating you like shit. You do not have to tolerate this in the interests of being a good, liberal wife. There's nothing modern or liberated about what's happening, it's just a cliche old-fashioned sleazy affair.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 20/04/2020 04:28

Hes into her. Its easy to see that, this will develop into a full affair of he carries on

hesgotit · 20/04/2020 05:36

I tried to be liberal and modern about all this and allow him a sex outlet but I found that my emotions wouldn't let me even if my logic would.

Stop! This tells me you're doing it to be a "cool wife" and appease your DH, it won't work and it's not working and it will destroy you.

It's a straight choice, you or her?

MsDogLady · 20/04/2020 05:44

He has had an agenda from the beginning.

She is his priority. He feels entitled to dismiss your feelings and run roughshod over your boundaries to pursue the ego boost she provides. He has physically cheated with her and is now developing an emotional connection. I would assume that he will again hook up with her.

He sounds despicable with his sulking about sex and negging your body. Now this affair. I would show him the door and leave them to it.

DeathByBoredom · 20/04/2020 05:56

Nightmare. He has broken all the rules that are usually in place, for very good reason, around threesomes like this. Now he is having an affair right in front of your face. Just because you both slept with her, doesn't give him the green light to sleep with her whenever. And emotional investment was not part of your agreement either. I agree with another poster that she is using him rather than all that interested really but he is your problem, not her.
As for what you can do? Put your foot down and leave sounds best, he sounds the type to continue being unfaithful. If you can't bear to yet, you could try the longer route and go to swingers clubs where you will find yourself much more in demand and at least have a nice time while the marriage slowly falls apart. Or go to swingers clubs by yourself. Even better. Or agree to open up the marriage (you will do much better than him, men are ten a penny)
Bottom line is, if he keeps refusing to stop all this, your main choices are accept or leave
Sorry Flowers
It's not happening because you agreed to a threesome. He would just have had an affair otherwise (sometimes they are the affair partner and it's a bit of a set up. Nasty)

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2020 06:14

I have no experience in this. But agree with Death, had you not agreed to the 3some, he would have had an affair. What he is doing now sounds like a deal breaker to me. Where or how did you meet her?

byebyebeautiful · 20/04/2020 06:57

Your relationship was over the minute you both decided to shag someone else tbh.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/04/2020 06:57

Question for you: who found her on Tinder, you or him?
I'm just wondering if he'd actually already met/found her, and only suggested the FFM to introduce her into your relationship because he had already got a thing for her.

This might explain why he's having a hard time letting her go - he should, of course, if he respects you and your marriage at all! - but the attachment to her is unhealthy.

gettingfedupagain · 20/04/2020 06:58

How dare he criticise your body! Ew, he has no respect or consideration for you.

He means and whines when he doesn't get sex? How about he cares about what you want?!

Did you agree to them having sex together? If you did then were you pressured into agreeing? If you didn't agree or know then he's cheating.

Pull up your boundaries and reinforce them

OuterMongolia · 20/04/2020 07:05

He is completely in the wrong here. You are married and he shouldn’t be texting another woman if you don’t want him to. The threesome thing makes him think it’s ok, but it’s not. If he can’t see that and stop, then your marriage is over.

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