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Original poster

Threesome spoiling my marriage

91 replies

westendgirlx · 20/04/2020 00:18

Hi, I had to ask what people thought. This is so personal I'm embarrassed to ask a friend tbh.

My husband and I have a strong sexual relationship. I'm bisexual (he knew before we got married) but happy with him. He asked if we could have a FFM threesome and I decided to try. We found a woman on Tinder and we had sex a few times. She got too close, too demanding. She said that she had fallen in love with us both.I got out of the situation quickly and told her I didn't want anything to do with her again.

She got very upset and emotional. My husband felt sorry for her and agreed to be friends with her because he was worried about her mental state. They texted a lot. This upset me and I asked him to stop. He said that he would back in January and the texts petered out.

Well, since the lockdown she's been back in touch. There's lots we both agreed we don't like about her...she's a proven liar and a racist, for example. Yet, he carries on texting her.

I've asked him to stop because it's hurting me but he says I'm being over emotional because he doesn't intend ever seeing her again. We have had a row about her tonight and he's refusing to come to bed because I got angry and shouted at him. But, I don't seem to be able to keep my cool about this. I've said to him that if she's nothing to him that it should be easy to stop texting and just block her. I don't understand. He hates racism and lying so why does he need to bother with her?

OP posts:
Maybeimweird · 20/04/2020 08:54

It's like you're being the party pooper in all of this now to him, first you were all up for it and now she keeps worming her way back in, probably giving your husband attention he may not get from a normal everyday life with a wifexdojy do the pick me dance, you are the wife! You are the important one! Either he stops talking to her or he's gone is what I would say! Let him go to her, he would soon regret it after she lies about leaving her husband and actually there's nothing there apart from sexual fantasy which you can't base a while relationship on. He needs to get some respect, be firm

Leflic · 20/04/2020 08:58

Op in the kindest way; you aren’t listening to him.
He suggested the threesome, he’s saying your body isn’t what he likes and saying everything’s fine so you don’t stop doing whatever benefit he’s getting from the marriage.
He‘s also demonstrated by sleeping with her alone that you come second to his needs.

Frankly he sounds a nightmare,

Janaih · 20/04/2020 09:04

Yep he's showing you who he is and all that.

LolaSmiles · 20/04/2020 09:06

This isn't about a threesome or sexuality.

It's about a man thinking cheating is acceptable, a man who makes unpleasant comments to his wife, a man who thinks he can behave how he wants because the women in his life must be falling over themselves to do the pick me dance.

Electrical · 20/04/2020 09:31

He treats you with utter contempt and you’re now in an open marriage with him. Get a lover of your own and if you don’t like being treated as an appliance, consider ditching the bloke.

Qgardens · 20/04/2020 09:35

He's certainly not affording you a lot of respect.

Imstillskanking · 20/04/2020 09:36

If I were you I would tell him that if he doesn't end all contact with her immediately then your marriage is over. Keep a close eye on it, and if you find out that any contact continued behind your back then kick him out of the house and call a divorce lawyer.

kateandme · 20/04/2020 09:46

hes cheated.
it didnt/doesnt just happen once

Womenwotlunch · 20/04/2020 09:52

He’s an idiot
He has used your bisexuality as a licence to cheat.
The fact that he slept with this woman without your knowledge shows that he has little respect for you.

Coconuttts · 20/04/2020 10:24

If he wanted to be with you, just you, he wouldn’t have any contact with this woman, at all. There’s your answer.

RantyAnty · 20/04/2020 10:29

He's cheating.
I would end the marriage over this. You told him how you felt and he's still sneaking around with her.

He seems to think he has an open marriage now.

I would get on Tinder and swipe and flirt a little and bring it up likes it nothing, since he thinks what he's doing is fine.

Make sure you compare him unfavorably to the guys you're chatting with.

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 20/04/2020 10:32

Once a man gets his cake and eats it, all he'll ever want is the cake. - My Mum in1987.

As true now as it's always been.

ANoiseAnnoys · 20/04/2020 10:35

And this is what happens when you bring a third person into your marriage!!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 20/04/2020 10:42

He acts like a child if he doesn’t get sex
Makes you feel bad about not having a flat stomach
Priorities her mental health over yours
... and has cheated on you

B1rdbra1n · 20/04/2020 11:11

Definitely do some tinder flirting and compare his body parts to those of the guys you are flirting with, I really like this one with the big manly shoulders, check out the gorgeous arse on this guy etc

GilbertMarkham · 20/04/2020 11:15

They had sex once without me

That's cheating.

As someone said he's just used the threesome to facilitate cheating.

I was acquainted with a guy like this.

He was in his 50s by the time I knew him.

He cheated on his wife with a barely of age young woman who worked in his bar and then they had a longish relationship, got married and had an open, experimental attitude with some ffm threesomes. He told me he had sex again with one of their partners in their hotel room while his wife was in the shower (she didn't know).

It was a cluster fuck of s relationship/marriage by the sound of it. He suspected her of cheating too (probably because he was always up for cheating) and used to zone in on things like how long she took at the hairdresser's - he told me he grabbed her and checked inside her knickers once having returned from what he considered an overly lengthy trip to the hairdresser (my first thought was, wouldn't she have been using condoms?).

They ended up divorced unsurprisingly.

When I met him he was in a (not v long) distance relationship with a woman and was trying to cheat on her with me. After saying he just thought I was an interesting, easy to talk to girl he'd like to join their social scene and he knew I was in a steady relationship etc.

He was always suggesting my bf was cheating on me when e weren't together (lived an hour apart) - because that's how he thought.

Men like this aren't relationship material and rarely change. Lady time I spoke to.him he was talking about Thailand and wanting to go there for long holidays (the cheap young pretty exploited sex workers there were what he was interested in, it was obvious, still thinking with his dick at sixty).

GilbertMarkham · 20/04/2020 11:17

*Last

pooopypants · 20/04/2020 11:37

Threesome aside - he's cheated. He slept with her while you weren't there, and weren't aware. That's the definition of cheating.

Also, based on your update about criticising your body - he's fucking vile and you deserve better. He has no right whatsoever to compare you to someone else or criticise you or your body.

Please see that he's treating you like shit so that he has the best of both worlds. Take a stand OP.

lialiana · 20/04/2020 11:38

He's used your sexuality as an excuse to cheat and he's criticising your body... those 2 things are awful, I'm sorry, you deserve better xx

BackseatCookers · 20/04/2020 11:44

He says lovely things about my looks but he frequently goes on about my stomach because it not flat.

Not exactly a shocker that you've gone off having sex with him then is it? If you went on a date with someone and they said this, what would you think of them as a prospective partner?

This is why you should never do anything sexual you don't really want to do just because

I'm bisexual. I think there's some odd idea that bisexual people must be ok with really liberal sexual values (no judgement, I mean things outside of monogamy) which is offensive. And there's also an odd idea that bisexual women having sex with other women is somehow 'lesser than' doing so with other men. I believe this to be because women having sex with each other is viewed as something they do for men's entertainment. Which is offensive also.

It sounds like because you've had a threesome he now views sex outside your relationship as fair game, even if it's one on one. But you didn't sign up for that and he knows that.

Am I also right in thinking even though he's started an emotional relationship with the woman you had a threesome with and slept with her alone, he wouldn't want you to have an emotional relationship with a man and sleep with him alone? I assume so and if that's the case, have a think about what that means re him respecting your sexuality and your clear preference for monogamy.

I hate that people assume I have a preference for polyamory because I'm bisexual. It doesn't sound like you enjoy that assumption either.

Your values and boundaries are totally incompatible. Why are you fighting to make it work with him?

FreeKitties · 20/04/2020 12:23

Unfortunately many women make the mistake of thinking that the sexual revolution and being 'liberal' and 'modern' means pushing back boundaries- it does not, and we really need to acknowledge that sex has an emotional value as well as a physical one, and acknowledging and respecting our boundaries ensures a healthy sex life.

OP being bisexual doesn't mean you have to share your husband with other women, and honestly I think the fact he asked is a red flag in itself.

nolovelost · 20/04/2020 12:35

I don't undersand why you'd want to bring someone else into your marriage.

NoMoreDickheads · 20/04/2020 12:36

He says lovely things about my looks but he frequently goes on about my stomach because it not flat

That's really nasty, @westendgirlx . I would say he had a wandering eye.

You did nothing wrong by having a threesome btw, or by letting him have sex with her once (if that's something you agreed to, rather than something he sneakily did.)

I can completely understand not minding him doing other stuff at one point/trying that arrangement as it could take the pressure off you. But you're allowed to say at any point that you aren't comfortable with it.

It's not ok him prioritizing her so much, and messaging her when you said you weren't comfortable with it. Her mental health isn't his responsibility, and he's made a commitment to you.

If you're very unhappy with it, I would give him an ultimatum that you will split with him if he carries on. It's disrespectful of your feelings, and as he knows how she feels about him it's not ok.

gettingfedupagain · 20/04/2020 12:38

@nolovelost well I don't understand why you'd post such an unhelpful comment! It's not about you understanding why she did it, it's too late now, it's done. It's about helping her with the aftermath

lialiana · 20/04/2020 12:48

@nolovelost OP didn't bring someone else into the marriage, she agreed to a threesome, it's not the same at all. It's her DH who chose to go outside the boundary.

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