Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Threesome spoiling my marriage

91 replies

westendgirlx · 20/04/2020 00:18

Hi, I had to ask what people thought. This is so personal I'm embarrassed to ask a friend tbh.

My husband and I have a strong sexual relationship. I'm bisexual (he knew before we got married) but happy with him. He asked if we could have a FFM threesome and I decided to try. We found a woman on Tinder and we had sex a few times. She got too close, too demanding. She said that she had fallen in love with us both.I got out of the situation quickly and told her I didn't want anything to do with her again.

She got very upset and emotional. My husband felt sorry for her and agreed to be friends with her because he was worried about her mental state. They texted a lot. This upset me and I asked him to stop. He said that he would back in January and the texts petered out.

Well, since the lockdown she's been back in touch. There's lots we both agreed we don't like about her...she's a proven liar and a racist, for example. Yet, he carries on texting her.

I've asked him to stop because it's hurting me but he says I'm being over emotional because he doesn't intend ever seeing her again. We have had a row about her tonight and he's refusing to come to bed because I got angry and shouted at him. But, I don't seem to be able to keep my cool about this. I've said to him that if she's nothing to him that it should be easy to stop texting and just block her. I don't understand. He hates racism and lying so why does he need to bother with her?

OP posts:
Sweetandawfulsour · 20/04/2020 07:12

Imma go out on a whim here and say she’s probably saying all the things he wants to here. She’s flattering and massaging his ego whilst you’re stood there trying to quash his relationship with the new (older) shiny sex machine in his life.
I agree with the others. You have to get your boundaries established and if he tiptoes over them he needs to know the consequences. Be it separation or divorce.
I’d consider confiding in someone closer to home. With mumsnet it can all get twisted and taken out of context and before you know it you’re 2 steps away from being under a patio.
Good luck and don’t let this in anyway affect how you see yourself. It’s no reflection on you!

Sweetandawfulsour · 20/04/2020 07:12

Obvs hear not here Blush

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/04/2020 07:15

OP you need to raise the bar and raise your self respect levels. I would pull him up on his complete lack of respect for you. It might be worth suggesting to him an open marriage where you both befefit rather than threesomes and watch him shit himself if he thinks you are serious! Suggest if he keeps contact with this woman then you feel the boundaries are there for you to do the same and you will be taking a lover of your own in due course...this worked for a friend of mine whos boyfriend couldnt respect the boundaries and went on to muddy the waters so to speak. Either way is it possible this relationship with your husband has run its course? Might be worth looking at where you want to be in a years time and if he fits in with your plans...he sounds like he has his own agenda here..I am sorry.

copycopypaste · 20/04/2020 07:25

I agree with the pp who said he's dipped his dick elsewhere and wants to continue to do so. He used your sexuality to get this.

Threesome, or no threesome, he's having an emotional affair but in plain sight as he thinks he's got the green light to do so. I think it's time you told him that he stops now. You are (or should be) his priority, not her, he's putting her (actually himself), before your thoughts and feelings .

pictish · 20/04/2020 07:35

Well didn’t your open-minded and thoroughly modern threesome turn into a mess? Who knew?! Wink

Don’t be fooled into thinking his sexual wants are needs. You’re not obliged to provide him with extra women to fuck...and you’re certainly not obliged to sit back while he carries on without you.

Sadly I imagine this is a can of worms that won’t be stuffed back in.
Sorry it has all gone sour - even if it was probably inevitable.

GeraniumJohnsonsBlue · 20/04/2020 07:37

I've said to him that if she's nothing to him that it should be easy to stop texting and just block her. I don't understand.

I don’t understand either. He’s more invested in this than he’s admitting. Time to put your foot down and mean it.

She doesn’t sound very well by the way. I harbour a suspicion that many people who indulge in this sort of thing are not very well actually.

ITasteSpring · 20/04/2020 07:45

I think this is a classic example of why thressomes are a bad idea. In fantasy land, you imagine that you will always be the alpha female/ male, the one in control and calling the shots. But it doesn't work out like in reality, where the invited person doesn't see themselves as an unthinking passive object who only exists to fulfil your fantasies. And your partner may actually come to genuinely fancy them. Or just be more turned on by them because they are new, and newness is sexy.

BrooHaHa · 20/04/2020 07:48

I agree with PP. Put your foot down and make it an ultimatum- it's you or the other woman.

AgentJohnson · 20/04/2020 07:49

You’re right, you can’t go back in time but there’s nothing wrong in learning from the experience and resetting boundaries. Your issue however is your H doesn’t, this person has become part of your relationship dynamic and your H clearly wants to maintain that dynamic.

The issue is bigger than this woman, the threesome has exposed boundaries that were previously hidden and your H is keen to see how far he can push those boundaries.

The relationship with her clearly has a pay off for him; sexual attraction, his ego being stroked, using contact to keep you on your toes etc. Whatever his ‘reason’, you have to decide if his continued contact with this woman is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, you need to communicate that to him and be willing to follow through with any measures you deem appropriate.

lau1998 · 20/04/2020 07:55

I've been with a bisexual male once and My personal choice but never again as his mind was constantly wandering. I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC before someone slaps me with 'but not all of them are the same'. I'd rather not take my risk again.
I'm trying not to be small minded but please either set your boundaries with him or run a mile. His attitude towards your stomach not being flat, him not thinking about YOUR mental health, disregarding you asking to leave her alone and generally marrying you should of been enough commitment wise and sexually to fulfill his needs without having a threesome. Fantasies are fantasies and sometimes need to stay that way, if that fantasy is over for him and he doesn't want to do it again then he'd surely listen and act upon how you feel seeing as he is your husband otherwise you've married the wrong man.
Only you know what is best and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Jupiter202020201 · 20/04/2020 07:55

He makes comments about your stomach not being flat? I’m assuming he has absolutely no flaws or imperfections then if he has the cheek to do such a thing?
This is just all kinds of wrong OP. And from an outside perspective it really does sound like he is definitely taking advantage of your sexuality as someone has previously mentioned and kind of giving himself a hall pass.
There are so many men around who just would not act so immaturely and the fact he can’t see what is wrong with texting this woman is very concerning.
This is not a healthy relationship OP.

Jupiter202020201 · 20/04/2020 07:57

fantasies are fantasies and sometimes they need to stay that way

As @lau1998 said. That’s very true.

PrincessBuggerPants · 20/04/2020 08:01

You agreed to a threesome and the other two of them seem to be behaving as though you agreed to a polyamorous relationship when you didn't.

Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with this, their lack of boundaries and unethical behaviour does.

Exactly what was said to her, exactly how was she contacted? These are questions you haven't answered yet OP. Hope you are ok Flowers

dottiedodah · 20/04/2020 08:04

Sadly most threesomes dont end well! If he has had sex with her without you then that is cheating Im afraid. He sounds like he is calling all the shots here .How dare he tell you your stomach isnt "flat" enough,Is he an Adonis I wonder,No thought not!Relationships should be about loving a whole person not just their tummy! I think with him texting her as well then there is more going on than he is owning up to .Ask him to come to Counselling ,otherwise decide if you want to stay in a relationship like this or not .

Mummy43026 · 20/04/2020 08:12

I am after some advice as I’m not sure wether I am being overly sensitive. Last year my husband lied (didn't tell me) about a friendship he had with a young girl that he worked with. The only reason it came to light was that I saw hearts on his Snapchat messages next to her name - I didn't snoop through his phone, I went into his Snapchat to use the filter (as I dont have that app) to take a selfie & accidentally went into his messages. He swore it was just friendly messages & that the hearts were there because she was the person he had most contact through snapchat (I googled this & its was correct) - this broke my heart as even if it was platonic, why was he messaging this girl so much more than anyone else he has on Snapchat. He promised me there was nothing going on, that all his workmates use Snapchat to chat rather than text. He deleted snapchat. I did check his phone after this & any text messages to her were funny or about work with no kisses or flirting so part of me believes him, but part of me still has suspicions. We have been married for 16 years with 3 kids & this was the first time I had EVER suspected him straying, but that gut feeling just wont leave. Its now been a year & I just cant move on, I check his phone almost daily to see if he is messaging her. He does still text her but its maybe once per month now (although they obviously speak face to face every day in work)

Am I being over sensitive or am I justified? Yelp :(

I dont want to be that controlling psycho that tells her husband who he can & cannot speak to, but also don't want to have the piss taken out of me.

GilbertMarkham · 20/04/2020 08:19

You agreed to a threesome and the other two of them seem to be behaving as though you agreed to a polyamorous relationship when you didn't.

This.

I fact I think he just wants a polyamorous (or is that polygynous??) relationship full stop, a d he thought you being bi was a handy route to getting it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he had a lot of things like this, and cheating in his background.

He sounds highly sexed/oversexed.

Comments about your stomach - cheeky cunt. Had he got the body of a male fitness model himself? Six pack and hung?

Very shallow and nasty to say it out loud.

Also he's unfavorably comparing your body to hers cause she has a flat stomach. Wouldn't worry though - he'll get bored with her and want other women too.

I think you've got yourself a cheater, disguising himself as s man who wants a relationship with threesomes/experimentation

So if you go polyamorous/open - you can text and shag other men right? I'm sure he won't mind you comparing his ass/dick/arms etc. unfavourably to theirs either.

GilbertMarkham · 20/04/2020 08:21

@Mummy43026

Best to start your own thread.

Click on down pointing blue arrow top right of page, then start new thread.

Starlight1243 · 20/04/2020 08:21

Mummy you need go start your own thread.

OP it sounds like hes been having an affair especially the fact they had sex without you there

Janaih · 20/04/2020 08:25

Dont put up with this shit. Take control and LTB.

BovaryX · 20/04/2020 08:26

I tried to be liberal and modern about all this and allow him a sex outlet but I found that my emotions wouldn't let me even if my logic would. They had sex once without me

Hmmm. You describe reluctantly going along with something you didn't want to do in order to pander to your husband's aggressive sexual demands. If your 'logic' suggested this was a good plan, your 'logic' is dysfunctional. That sounds like a rhetorical device you have come up with to berate yourself further. Your husband wants you to be unconcerned and indulgent of his sexual involvement with another woman. I suggest you go one better. Demonstrate your indifference to his squalid shenanigans by leaving him. You don't seem to be getting much love or respect from him. Why don't you let your 'logic' inform your next logical move?

EmbarrassingMama · 20/04/2020 08:29

He told you to go take a walk so he could call her.

He's cheating on you OP.

sleepingpup · 20/04/2020 08:31

They've had sex without you there?

OP this has gone pear shaped.

The threesome seems irrelevant now and has kind of led you into this situation as if you are compliant. By being 'liberal and modern.'

He's texting and communicating with her. He's has had sex with her without you there. You feel crap. This is shit.

Realise that.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/04/2020 08:33

Your husband is a cheat.

He's a cheat who thinks he can get away with it, have his cake and eat it, because his affair partner has already been involved in a threesome with him and his wife, but he's a cheat none the less. Having sex with someone else without you there is cheating.

It may be that lockdown is making him focus more on her, as she's more unobtainable (you're around, no opportunities to 'just pop out') but that doesn't actually matter.

He slept with someone else, he cheated. So deal with that in the way you normally would deal with it - in other words, sort out your boundaries and self-esteem and kick his arse out.

HalloHalloHallo · 20/04/2020 08:35

They had sex once without me

You mean once that you know of.

copycopypaste · 20/04/2020 08:51

I'd be telling him to cut all contact with her, and any further contact you will consider cheating and having an affair and you'll deal with it accordingly.