Am I naive and stupid to get involved with someone who is an alcoholic?

[PurpleLondon]

I've been seeing a guy for about 5/6 months now. We get on really well and have both developed deep feelings. However it has become apparent that he has a serious problem with alcohol. Drinking about 5/6 large bottles of beer almost daily. (He admitted this to me). I know he has been drinking every day this week. This has been going on for years apparently with the severity changing according to his mood and life situation. He is also mentally unstable and has some mental health issues.
There are times when I've met up with him and he's been completely out of it. I've spoken to him about this at length and he always says he wants to change but the next day he is back drinking.
Should I just end things whilst it's still early days? I have two DC and really wouldn't want to subject them to this in the long run. I have no experience of being with an alcoholic. Part of me is hoping he will change.

So true what another post said earlier about their personality changing if they do get sober. My ex gave up drinking. Brilliant....except he became a different person when sober. Spiteful and cruel. Hence why he is my ex. Believe me, the person you've fallen in love with while drunk is probably not the same person sober. Take your children and walk away. And then get some professional help to work out why this man and the chaos he would bring your family ever seemed like a good idea to you.

There will always be problems. From broken stuff to massive melt downs. Cuts and bruises from them falling down. Doesn't matter how rich you are drinking your money away is a thing.

Hes probably reeled her in with sob stories. Who thinks alcoholics are nice people to date?

He should not be in your life at all let alone putting your children in his path.

Why is part of you hoping that he will change?. That mixed up thinking is also your downfall. What makes you any different here from all the other women who have also presumably tried to change him?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Are you codependent; I would read about codependency as this and alcoholism go hand in hand.

An earlier respondent wrote, "And try to work out what needs to be fixed for you that this seems an attractive option". Indeed and through therapy too, how did this "hoping that he will change" thinking come about at all?.

Talking won't solve an addiction and he's not listening to you anyway. He's giving you lip service so he has somewhere to drink and do his washing.

Walk away.

He'll be a homeless bum in six months

If you didn't have children I'd say walk away.

But you have children, so fucking RUN.

Don't put yourself and definitely not your DC through an unstable life with an alcoholic and a mother who picks up the pieces and puts an alcoholic first.

You have 2 children????

RUN don't walk....
This would be a terrible thing to do to both yourself and your poor poor children.

He won’t change unless he wants to change, and that is extremely unlikely, especially if you’re enabling him

Don’t get involved with him until he’s been at least a year sober, of his own accord. I think you might be waiting a long time

Walk away. Now. I've been there and made the mistake of staying. It was the most horrific couple of years of my life. It almost ruined me mentally, physically and financially. Ignore any promises he makes. He will hurt you and your children. Please dont stay with him.

I'd walk away from a man like this before you get in too deep and his problems become yours. You have two children so all the more reason to end it.

Please don’t. And ask yourself why you e even considered getting involved with someone like this is the first place. Don’t you think better of yourself than to explore a relationship you know is doomed and will only cause you pain?

Does he live locally or another county?

I wouldn't call you stupid but it is naive to think you can change someone. He wont improve, it only gets worse. End it before you get emotionally invested.

Yes end it now. You won't be able to change him. He can only change himself, and if he's been an alcoholic for years he's hardly likely to change now, no matter how nice or good you are to him

If you take him on, move in, mingle finances etc you will find some things happen as surely as night follows day:

He will spend more money than you could possibly believe on alcohol.

He will spend more time just drunk enough to prevent you doing normal every day things with your kids, let alone family occasions, holidays etc.

He will take up so much of your emotional efforts your kids will lose some, if not all of the mother they currently have.

He will very effectively make you believe that if you only tried harder he would be nicer.

He will succeed in making you believe that anyone and everyone else is to blame for his drinking.

He will succeed in making you believe that he isn't that drunk, he is just a bit sad and you could make him happy, if only you tried right

He will succeed in making you carry his shame. You'll be the one hiding his behaviour, hell just carry on doing it.

So far you haven't been all that connected and see how much you are trying to believe in him. Take a step back and think: what has he said and done that makes you believe you can save him? What is it you have been told, led to believe, that makes you want to believe there's a version of him you could love? What are you willing to lose in order to find that man?

If the answer to that last question is not: your wider family, your financial stability, the respect not your kids and your own sense if self, just don't do it.

Run ----> thataway. Right now. Use lockdown to give yourself time and space to get this man out of your head and heart.

His issues are his. Leave him to them!!!

Don't even think about it.

Yes you are. I met someone 6 years ago, fell in love, he moved in with me and then I found he had quite a liking for neat vodka, from the bottle. It was hell.

I'm not a drinker and my life was turned upside down. He was pissed daily, luckily if that's the right word he would fall asleep. He would insist on cooking and served up some right disgusting messes. I spent my evenings, in my house, in the bedroom, alone with my cat. I'll never forget him saying nastily when drunk "your cat's going to die". Sadly Troy died of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy aged 5 which was nearly 5 years ago and I've never forgotten those words. He would never remember he said them.

14 months after us meeting he decided to stop drinking, I had told him if he carried on then I would not include him in my then 5 year old niece's life. She adored him and he adored her. He stopped. That was nearly 5 years ago but it's always in the back of my mind that some little setback could see him reaching for the vodka again.

I would end the relationship. Very different, if, for example, someone considers themselves an alcoholic and is now abstinent. Or, if they were involved in a recovery programme etc at present. It doesn't seem like this guy is even thinking of stopping. Yes, it's an awful illness, but you have to think of your children and yourself.

Echoing other replies.

End it now.

You can't fix him.
Protect yourself and your children.

As someone who is living with someone who is teetering on the edge of an alcohol problem (caused by his medication) I can safely say RUNAWAY and don’t look back.

He will ruin your life and the lives of your children because that is what alcoholics do - without fail.