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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I naive and stupid to get involved with someone who is an alcoholic?

136 replies

PurpleLondon · 18/04/2020 23:55

I've been seeing a guy for about 5/6 months now. We get on really well and have both developed deep feelings. However it has become apparent that he has a serious problem with alcohol. Drinking about 5/6 large bottles of beer almost daily. (He admitted this to me). I know he has been drinking every day this week. This has been going on for years apparently with the severity changing according to his mood and life situation. He is also mentally unstable and has some mental health issues.
There are times when I've met up with him and he's been completely out of it. I've spoken to him about this at length and he always says he wants to change but the next day he is back drinking.
Should I just end things whilst it's still early days? I have two DC and really wouldn't want to subject them to this in the long run. I have no experience of being with an alcoholic. Part of me is hoping he will change.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 19/04/2020 06:05

No I would definitely not be in this relationship it will be a nightmare

Aloe6 · 19/04/2020 06:06

‘Surely you’re not that desperate’
‘Other cock is available’
‘Stop thinking with your bag’

It’s no wonder the OP has vanished.

Aloe6 · 19/04/2020 06:06

*Vag

Ritascornershop · 19/04/2020 06:12

Fuck no. I married someone who was a social drinker, then we had kids ... then it was unthinkable not to go to the pub Friday night, then it was every single night, then it was constantly hungover, cranky, money and money and money going down the drain, kids in clothes from the charity shop as money flew out of his wallet and cruel words flew out of his mouth (& sometimes hands toward my head).

It absolutely ruined my life. I will be forever suspicious of men and incapable of trusting a nice one (& I believe all the things he told me, that I’m poison, lazy, stupid, etc).

Please don’t, you are getting the warning no-one bothered to give me.

rvby · 19/04/2020 06:16

Yes. Yes you are.

TedsFederationRep · 19/04/2020 06:20

I hope OP feels able to come back.

Please end it. Please end it now. He will always love the bottle more than you, more than anyone, more than the entire world put together.

This is not about you being unloveable or anything like that. You sound so caring. This is about him and the love of his life - the alcohol - and he will always put that first, regardless of the effect on you or your children or your relationship with him. The love of his life will destroy you as a person, and lay waste to the happiness of your children, your wider family relationships and your friendships.

He is on the road to nowhere. He will promise to change. He will promise you that every single morning. By evening, he will be drunk again. And you will be sitting there watching your life wither away to nothing.

I am sorry to sound so bleak - this will be hard for you to hear - but I speak from experience.

There is help available for him but the only ones who can do it are professionals. They are accustomed to dealing with repeated failure but they are not emotionally invested so they can cope with it. You can't fix him. If you try, he'll break you in the process.

It has taken much courage for you to write your opening post so please do what your head is already telling you. 💐

miccymaccy · 19/04/2020 07:07

You've got kids and you are honestly even considering this? Shame on you

EdwinaMay · 19/04/2020 07:07

I read that when someone gives up alcohol after being an alcoholic they can have quite a personality change. I can believe this as alcohol is such a prop.
So the risk is you support the alcoholic through their drinking and moods, then, when they have finally managed to stop drinking, they decide that their relationship with you is not actually what they want and the codependent who has been around for years gets dumped.

joystir59 · 19/04/2020 07:10

My 40 year old son is an alcoholic. His only abiding relationship is with alcohol. Run like the wind.

Windmillwhirl · 19/04/2020 07:22

You need to leave. I hope you take all the advice oh here. Do you have a habit of falling for men you may subconsciously want to 'save'. Drinkers are unpredictable at best, please walk away.

Aussiebean · 19/04/2020 07:24

If he says he will cut down for you (with your help) he won’t be changing his life for himself because he realises he needs to change. The responsibility will become yours, because he is doing it for you.

That is a lot of pressure on you.

Suddenly your focus will be on him. That is where your mental load will go. Is he ok? How much has he drunk today? What is his mood going to be like? What can I do?

Even if your kids have never met him, your focus will be on him and what he is doing today, not on your children. Not counting the emotional toll it will take which you inevitably will take out on them.

They don’t need a mum who is focused on someone else and you don’t need to prop up a man who can’t help himself.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/04/2020 07:24

Yes.

He will always put alcohol first. Speaking from experience, in my younger days I had low self esteem and used to date men like this because I wanted to be the one to "save them" and make them "change".

He won't change for you, and you can't save him. He needs to save himself.

Stronger76 · 19/04/2020 07:27

OP would you be with this guy if he was openly in a relationship with someone else? Telling you he loves you but going running back to her whenever he can, flaunting her in front of you? Introducing your kids to him, with her tagging along?

He's already in a relationship with alcohol. Unless he can break it off completely, you will always have that feeling of second best, not to mention the financial, health, social aspects of living with an alcoholic.

Do the right thing for you x

Nestofvipers · 19/04/2020 07:30

Yes, end it.

We get on really well and have both developed deep feelings.
He hasn’t because his primary relationship and love is alcohol. You have, but you’ve developed deep feelings for who you think he is, not who he actually is. You don’t know who he actually is because you’ll never see that while his primary relationship is with alcohol.

And no, you can’t change him. Don’t even waste your time trying.

Whoopsmahoot · 19/04/2020 07:38

Run. He won’t change unless HE wants to - YOU WILL NEVER change him. Don’t waste your mental and physical well being. RUN.

Cnoc · 19/04/2020 07:44

What in your life has turned you into someone who thinks she can ‘save’ an ill and damaged addict at the expense of her own life and that of her children?

heyday · 19/04/2020 07:48

Nothing good with come from this relationship. He may well be a nice guy but his mental health and alcohol problems will take over your life and cause mayhem. Get out now whilst the relationship is in its infancy and be thankful that you did not subject your children to this negativity. You cannot 'save' him nor help him as he has to do that for himself. I started a relationship with an alcoholic as a young adult, went on to have children with him as I had no self worth, (due to my own dysfunctional childhood) and I have had to watch every penny - that could have helped my family - be pissed away on booze. It has caused myself and my children so much pain, suffering and hardship and I hang my head on shame that I inflicted this life upon my children. This new man will always have one priority and that will be alcohol especially as alcohol use causes depression once the high wears off so he will look for his next fix to try to stave off the next wave of depression. Please, walk away now and put this one down to experience. Believe me, you really do not want the trauma that this man will bring to your lives.

Ilovethekittehs · 19/04/2020 07:52

If you have children you are being seriously selfish if you continue this relationship and even more so if you introduce them and they may never forgive you.

Alcoholics moods can be erratic, they can fall into deep depressions, can be highly manipulative and the sadness that comes with seeing someone you love destroy themselves leaves scars.

StampMc · 19/04/2020 08:00

Of course you can’t involve your children with a mentally unstable alcoholic because you want to...I don’t know what. Be a saviour? Have a shag? Sadly for you, the choice to be a mother removes other choices, like the choice to be a drudge for a mentally unstable alcoholic for no good reason.
Living with an alcoholic as a child is like being one of those prisoners who marks off the days until your ‘release’ in the wall. My whole childhood was wished away by focusing on when I would be old enough to escape. As it happens death got me out early. Lucky me. You’ve know him a few months and you’re willing to chuck your children’s childhoods under the bus for him, yet he won’t even put down the can of special brew for you. Deep feelings, my arse.

SallyWD · 19/04/2020 08:08

I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years. All I can say is get out while you can!

Mopedfear · 19/04/2020 08:14

I did this before I had children. It’s my life’s biggest mistake
You need to say no now. Please read up
About co-dependence; you may find it useful
Please take all the unanimous responses on board.we know what we are talking about Flowers

wonkytonkwoman · 19/04/2020 08:23

@PurpleLondon maybe give Al -Anon a call and have a chat with them?

0800 0086 811

Babyg1995 · 19/04/2020 10:34

No I could have written this 16 years ago when I was 17 met a guy the exact same I fell in love with him don't know why Confused ended up with him for 11 years he totally ruined my life I had nothing when I did see the light best thing I done was leaving him .I will never be with a drinker again it's all about them .

MorrisZapp · 19/04/2020 10:36

No because you have kids, sorry.

Wellwhatdouknow · 19/04/2020 10:41

He isnt seeking help. Walk away now. This will not have a happy ending.